Chapter 36 My Mistake
MY MISTAKE
PATIENCE
“You insulted him.” Mom shoves me to my knees in the basement, and I feel the skin immediately rip.
Blood pools in my tights, slowly leaking through to the pavement.
“He grabbed my leg.”
“Because the deacon cares, Patience.” She crosses the room. “About our family. About you. Is that so terrible?”
“It’s just—” I shake my head, my palms flat on the cool concrete.
“It’s just what?” Mom narrows her eyes. “Is it too much to ask you to be a good daughter?”
I swallow, trying to level my tone. “His fingers were too close. He was going to touch me—”
“You think so highly of yourself.” Mom grabs the cross hanging around her neck, cutting me off.
“That’s my fault, I suppose. I give you too much freedom.
We were not put on this earth to chase our selfish whims, Patience.
We do not get to pick and choose who we will be with. Those choices are not in our hands.”
“Because of God or Sigma Sin?” I shouldn’t have asked that, but it’s a fair question.
While Mom lives with this illusion that she’s serving something greater, she refuses to admit who that actually is.
Rage brews in her eyes as she walks over to me and slaps me so hard across the face that my cheek stings.
She grabs my chin, digging her nails into my skin.
“Do not speak ill of those who provide for you. Such a selfish little whore. Tempting the deacon with your skirts and then blaming him for not having control. Men are not as strong as we are, even if we let them think they are. You have to make your spine iron, Patience, or you won’t survive them. ”
Mom frowns, storming across the room to grab the stool.
“No, please.” I scoot back, and my knees drag on the concrete.
“You will repent. You will be strong.” Mom is chanting more to herself than to me. “You will learn what is worthy of your reverence. And you will be better than I was.”
Mom drags the stool over.
“Give me your wrists, Patience.” She holds out her hands, and I want to fight her, but it will only make this worse.
The first tear slips down my cheek, further proving my weakness as she tightens the shackles at my wrists, binding me to the stool and forcing my chest to bend over it. My elbows dig into the splintery surface.
“You’re lucky you have me, you know. My father was worse. He didn’t care like I do. But I care, Patience. And even if it hurts us both, I’m going to save your soul.”
When I’m bound, Mom circles me. She uses a knife to slice the back of my shirt open. Tears fall freely now, even though it’s yet to hurt. And I let them drain because then maybe Mom’s punishment won’t hurt so badly. Maybe then, I’ll feel nothing.
“Men are weak, Patience. And if you aren’t careful, that weakness will seep into you.” Mom steps back, and I brace myself. “But I promise you one thing. I will make you strong.”
I spin the poppy between my fingers, tossing it into the trash before answering the door. It’s been three days since I had sex with Jacob on the side of the road, and each morning, I’ve woken up to another one on my nightstand.
When I found the first one in LA, I thought it must have been a mistake, getting stuck between the pages of a book and carried into my room by accident. But then the first poppy showed up in Bristal, and like so many other puzzle pieces clicking into place lately, another one found its spot.
Jacob has been watching me long before we ever shared our first kiss or slept together.
Going so far as to watch me while I sleep.
Once, he asked me how I’d feel about him waking me up with pleasure.
It wasn’t just to gauge my limits. He was testing me to see how I feel about what I can only guess is one of his kinks.
But instead of confronting him about the poppies, I continue with my day. Tossing each one in the trash and knowing another red flower will be on my nightstand by morning. Little gifts that can’t fix what we’ve become, even if there is a small part of me that wishes they could.
Another knock echoes in the doorway, and I grumble. God forbid she has to wait one more minute for me to answer.
I swing open the door, and Mom presses her shoulders back, frowning at me.
“Mother.”
Her eyes narrow, scanning my outfit. “Do you still need to change?”
I look down at my jeans and long-sleeve T-shirt. It’s not nearly dressy enough to meet her standards, and usually, I’d care to impress her so I wouldn’t have to hear about it. But today, I don’t have it in me.
“No.” I grab my purse, walking past her before she can open her mouth to scold me.
She huffs, following me down the hallway, and I feel her disappointed glare assessing me for the entire elevator ride. When we finally reach the lobby, I choose the most secluded corner.
Mom frowns at the worn cushions, sitting right on the edge, like the tacky red velvet might rub off on her.
I’m surprised she even agreed to meet with me here.
I assumed that by telling her I wasn’t going to my parents’ estate, she would decide I wasn’t worth the trouble. Instead, she showed up at my dorm room.
“I see this summer didn’t help with your attitude.” Mom straightens her spine, clutching her purse.
“What do you want, Mom?” I’m never this snippy with my mother, and her hard glare is proof she doesn’t appreciate it.
“Can’t I just be checking in?” She says it too sweetly.
“You never just check in.”
Mom shrugs, her gaze darting off.
“This is about Alex, right?” It’s always about Alex.
My entire life, I’ve come in second to my brother in my parents’ eyes. He can do no wrong because he’s the son who will carry on my father’s Sigma Sin legacy. While I’m just a girl to be married and bred, advancing the Lancasters’ political interests.
“I need you to help your brother understand.”
“Understand what, exactly?” I lean back in my seat. “That Dad almost got him killed during his trial and then lied to him about it. Or that he stabbed Alex’s girlfriend?”
“Your father made a mistake.”
“Then let him suffer the consequences. That’s how it works, right?” After all, that’s how it was for me growing up.
Any little error and my mother would drag me to the basement. Place me on my knees in front of that cross until I bled for my sins. Until I begged for forgiveness.
“This is getting out of hand.” Mom shakes her head.
“And whose fault is that?” I push to standing. “I can’t do this, Mom. If you have a problem with Alex, confront him about it. I’m done standing in the middle.”
Mom shoots to her feet when I start to walk away, raising her voice. “Finally growing a spine now that you have a man at your side, I see.”
I freeze, looking over my shoulder at her.
“I suppose that isn’t a surprise given the rumors circling. I never pegged you as having that much ambition, Patience. Aiming straight for the top. To the one poised to lead them all.”
I shouldn’t be surprised Mom’s heard about me and Jacob when rumors started spreading like wildfire after the Sigma House party.
In LA, it would have been taboo; here, people aren’t as surprised.
They know how Sigma Sin operates. Nothing phases them.
And even if they did judge, they wouldn’t dare say it out loud for fear of what might happen.
“I suppose it isn’t surprising he caught your eye. Although, I am wondering what you did to make him look twice at you.” Her sneer is downright vicious as she glares at me.
“Jacob and I are over.”
“Are you?” Mom steps closer, reaching for the tip of my braid. “Your father and I knew him when you were still too young to remember, but even back then, he had this quality that was hard to deny.”
“You knew him?” My tongue is sandpaper.
“Of course.” She smiles, but there’s nothing sweet about it. “He flew through the ranks of Sigma Sin under your father’s wing. We were all close once.”
A flash of something haunts Mom’s expression. Something I can’t quite place.
Regret?
Sadness?
She shakes it away before I can think too much about it.
“I wonder what he sees in you.” She continues to toy with my hair. “A man like that with so much power.”
“I don’t care about his power.” If anything, I hate it.
“Of course you do.” She brushes my braid off my shoulder. “That much power, and no one can touch you. That’s what you’ve always wanted, right? To be invincible. You’ve always thought you deserved better than me. Better than your whole family.”
“That isn’t true.”
“You think I don’t know you, Patience. But I do. I know him too. Ezra and his fickle heart—”
“Ezra?” I cut her off, my eyebrows scrunching. “You mean Jacob.”
Mom places her hand over her mouth, pretending to be surprised at what slipped out when it’s clear it wasn’t an accident at all. “Of course. My mistake. Jacob.”
“His name is Jacob,” I say again, my chest tightening. “Jacob Gray.”
Mom doesn’t break my stare as everything starts to crumble around me. Jacob warned me there was more we needed to talk about, but I didn’t listen. Maddox said they shared different fathers, among other things. What else is he hiding?
“What’s his real name?” My heart thunders in my chest. “Who is Jacob?”