Bonus Goodies #2
I manage to put the cruiser in park. At least I think I do. My hands don’t feel connected to the rest of me anymore. My lips do something weird, twitching and trembling as though they’re preparing to recite poetry about how absurdly beautiful this man is.
A groan escapes me.
I am so dead.
I’ll never escape Shasta.
I’ll never get out from under my parents’ shadow.
I’ll never have any of those wild, reckless experiences I sometimes fantasize about when I’m feeling brave enough to imagine a different life.
Because judging by the way my heart is trying to beat its way out of my chest, I am not going to be able to stay away from this man if I can possibly help it.
The thought is horrifying. Exhilarating. Frightening.
I shake my head sharply.
The movement must catch his attention because he stops approaching and just stands there watching me. It gives me a chance to study him.
No designer clothes.
No obvious clues.
No dramatic swagger.
No loose-hipped walk like Gabe sometimes has when he’s feeling particularly amused with the world.
Truthfully, Gabe and television are about the only reference points I have for gay men, and this stranger doesn’t fit any of them. Not that Gabe is flamboyant exactly. Well...not entirely.
I force myself to get it together or at least fake it. I unbuckle my seat belt and climb out of the cruiser.
The stranger is still smiling.
God help me.
I tip my head in greeting and attempt a smile of my own. What comes out probably looks more like a grimace, but, hey, I’m trying.
The stranger smiles again and everything inside me melts.
“Hi.”
His voice is deep. Warm. Friendly. He sticks out a hand as he walks toward me.
“I’m Adam Soames, the vet taking over Dr. McIntire’s practice.”
Adam.
Even his name sounds unfairly attractive.
My palm is suddenly damp, so I wipe it on my uniform pants before shaking his hand. The second our skin touches, my brain completely abandons me.
His hand is bigger than mine. Stronger. Rougher. There’s dark hair dusting the back of it and his grip is firm without being aggressive.
I stare at our joined hands far longer than any normal person should.
Adam’s voice is deeper than I expect. His shoulders are broad. His smile is captivating.
Everything about him seems bigger somehow.
More.
And all I can think is that he’s probably straight.
Of course he’s straight.
Men who look like Adam Soames don’t move to tiny towns in Texas looking for shy, stuttering deputy sheriffs with enough emotional baggage to fill a moving truck.
“Is there a problem?” Adam asks.
I blink.
Then realize I’m still holding his hand.
Mortified, I jerk mine back so quickly I nearly punch myself in the stomach.
“No.”
The word comes out too fast. Too loud. Too panicked.
“I, ah...it’s...”
Oh God.
No.
Not now.
“I j-j-j...”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It doesn’t help.
If anything, it makes me more aware of the fact that my face is probably bright red and I’ve just made a complete fool of myself in front of the most attractive man I’ve ever seen.
When I open my eyes again, I nearly die. Because Adam is looking at me with understanding, which somehow makes everything worse.
“Welcome to Shasta,” I blurt out.
The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. At least I don’t stutter.
Small victories.
Unfortunately, I sound about thirteen years old and halfway through puberty.
Adam’s smile widens. Actually widens.
The effect hits me somewhere in the vicinity of my stomach and leaves me feeling as though I’ve just been sucker-punched.
“Thank you, Deputy Benson.”
For a second I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about or how he knows my name.
Then Adam taps my badge and heat floods my face all over again.
Right.
The uniform.
The badge.
The reason I’m standing here in the first place.
“Yeah,” I say intelligently. “Uh...welcome.”
Smooth, Todd. Real smooth.
A painful silence stretches between us, but Adam doesn’t seem bothered by it. Whereas I am absolutely dying.
My brain chooses that exact moment to ask a question I am spectacularly unprepared to answer.
Now what?
Seriously.
What happens after this?
What happens when you finally meet someone who makes your heart stop and your stomach flip and every secret you’ve spent your life hiding suddenly feels impossible to keep hidden?
More importantly, what happens when that person almost certainly isn’t waiting around for you?
Because there is no universe in which a man like Adam Soames takes one look at me and sees anything worth wanting.
Even if he’s gay. Even if by some miracle he’s interested in men. Even if every impossible fantasy I’ve ever had somehow comes true.
I’m still me.
Still Todd Benson.
Still the shy, awkward deputy who can’t get through a simple conversation without tripping over his own tongue.
I force myself to take another breath. Then another. Get it together. That’s what I need to do.
Get myself under control before every thought in my head ends up written across my face.
Maybe, if I try hard enough, I can keep my secret hidden a little while longer. Maybe I can convince myself this is just another conversation. Just another day. Just another man.
The problem is, standing there looking into Adam’s dark eyes, I already know I’m lying to myself.
I’ve also got some bookish goodies for y’all over at my website.