30. Roman
30
ROMAN
I’m walking on cloud nine the entire weekend.
I can’t remember ever feeling this hopeful, or this light. Between the physical victory of walking and then opening a whole new connection with Lily, I feel like me again.
I think about texting Lily way too often, but I don’t want to bother her this weekend. I know how close she is with her family, and I don’t want to be that guy who pulls her away from that.
So, I try to keep myself busy. I push myself way too hard with PT at home, but I revel in the soreness. Knowing that I can walk makes every physical exercise I complete feel that much more valuable. I’m more eager than I’ve ever been to get back to the clinic.
When I’m not working out, I’m either cooking, cleaning, or hanging out with Mom. I want to move . I want to do something. When I move my video game controller as I’m cleaning, I realize it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve had the urge to waste time with it.
Even still, that only covers a few hours out of my day. And that restlessness only grows.
I find myself thinking about work again, the same way it’s been constantly in the back of my mind since the conversation with Lily during Trivia Night. Especially with walking finally being a possibility on the horizon, I need to get my ass back to reality and find a job.
But…I can’t quite bring myself to take that question in the direction of Lily’s suggestion of school. It’s too big of an ask, too big of a change. Despite all my progress lately, I still need some things to remain in my comfort zone.
And that’s how I end up emailing my old manager to ask if there are any coaching opportunities open anywhere in the organization. Before my injury, I’d heard whispers that they were planning to do more seasons of their reality TV show, and that they were adding more assistant coaches to the roster this time. I might not be able to fight, but I still have more sport knowledge than most of the fighters in the organization. A coaching job, or even a mentorship, could be perfect.
After I’ve mentally crossed my fingers and hit Send , I release a heavy exhale and once again look around my house for something to do. Now I’m restless and motivated.
And thinking about Lily more than ever.
Honestly, I’m surprised I make it to Saturday night before texting her. I’ve been fighting the urge since Thursday, wanting some sort of connection with her after a moment like sending my first job application since the injury.
In the end, I keep it simple. Can’t wait to see you on Monday. Hope you’re having a fun weekend. I can wait until then to share the exciting news with her. I don’t need to vomit it all through text. I just wanted to let her know I’m thinking of her.
At first, it doesn’t bother me that she doesn’t respond right away. I mean, she’s hiking a canyon. I don’t even know if she has cell service.
But by the time Sunday rolls around, and I still haven’t heard from her, my gut starts to churn. Because I know she came home today.
I tell myself maybe she took a late flight home, or maybe she’s just busy unpacking. And I shove the worry to the back of my mind. Because I can’t imagine that she’s not excited to see me tomorrow. There’s no conceivable way that what we shared didn’t mean anything to her. I saw the look in her eyes, and I felt the way we connected. I know how Lily feels about me.
I’m so convinced of it that by the time I enter the clinic fifteen minutes early on Monday, my chest is bursting with just as much happiness as it was when I left last Wednesday.
But when I set eyes on Lily, where she’s working with another client, that happiness…dims.
And doubt starts to take its place.
She’s working with a little girl. They’re doing some kind of wrist exercise, making me wonder if the girl is coming off a broken arm. She’ll occasionally wince in discomfort, but once Lily soothes her with soft words and a gentle hand, she looks up at Lily with trust in her eyes.
The sight makes me wonder what kind of mother Lily would be. No doubt an incredible one, with her patience and ability to comfort. In a way, I feel like I’m seeing that future in front of me right now.
And that doubt becomes full-blown dread.
Because even though I’m entirely aware of the fact that I’m putting the cart way before the horse, I’m too lost in the growing fear to stop the direction of my thoughts. That I might not be able to give her that family. Or, at the very least, it would likely require the help of a fertility clinic. I may have gotten a hard-on with Lily last week, but that doesn’t mean it will be a consistent thing with me, or that there’s nothing wrong with my semen quality. I wasn’t exactly focused on getting that checked when I first became injured.
And when the man who I assume is the little girl’s father steps forward and into my view, that dread becomes a mental breakdown.
It’s not just that the three of them together complete the picture my mind had already created, of Lily with the family she wants and that I might not be able to give her.
It’s also that he’s flirting with her. And she’s smiling back at him.
As my heart starts to race, I take in more details about the guy. He’s young and attractive, wearing a tailored suit, his smile bright and his hair perfectly styled.
And he’s standing .
When Lily laughs at something he says, it hits me that even if I learn to walk on my own again, I’ll never be as whole as that guy right there. I’ll always be missing something, never again the Roman of before who may have deserved her, once.
In an instant, I’m angry . At the unfairness of it all. At the humiliation this injury comes with. At the inferiority I’m constantly battling with. I fucking hate it.
I stare at the guy, visualizing taking my anger out on him. Thinking about how good it would feel to hit him, to use him as a relief valve for all these feelings. To just let it out ? —
But then Lily turns, and we lock eyes.
And that anger becomes a sinking black hole of despair.
Because I can see it on her face that she’s done with me. Whatever we had—whatever I thought we had—is ending before it can even begin. She’s going to end it today.
“I’ll be right with you, Roman, I’m just finishing up,” she says, her tone as flat as the look she gives me.
Fuck. I… Fuck. I should’ve known this was coming.
I should’ve known she was too good to be true. I should’ve known this was too good to be true.
When she turns back to the little girl, all the emotion, all the sweetness that I was looking forward to today, comes flooding back when she smiles.
“Alright, Alice, I’ll see you next week, okay? Have fun on your field trip, but remember to be careful. Your wrist is still a bit fragile.”
“Thanks again for rescheduling us this week,” the dad says, giving Lily a warm smile of his own. “I really appreciate you being flexible.”
“Of course,” Lily says as she straightens from her crouch. “I’m happy we could make it work.”
Watching their interaction, I think it makes me angrier that the guy isn’t some smarmy jackass. If he was leering at Lily or making an inappropriate pass, maybe I could write him off and convince myself I’m still better than him, even with a physical limitation. But the guy just seems…nice.
I’m still reeling from the knowledge that Lily is going to end it with me as she walks the two of them out of the clinic. I feel like I’m standing on a boat in the middle of a storm, being flung around and unable to get my bearings. I can’t get my feet under me.
When she finally re-enters the room and it’s just the two of us, her expression is equal parts sad and wary. Her steps slow as she nears me.
“So that’s it, then?” I ask. It’s all I can get out.
She lets out a heavy breath, looking suddenly exhausted. “Roman…” Her eyebrows pull together as she reaches up to rub the weariness from her eyes. “You have to know that what we did was wrong.”
Maybe she sees on my face that no, I don’t know that, because when I don’t respond, she locks eyes with me and straightens.
“I don’t know how it took me so long to see it,” she says in a near-whisper. She sounds sad. “But I can’t ignore it anymore. Not after last week. Not after—” Something flashes in her eyes, her throat working on a rough swallow.
Maybe that’s what causes my outburst, maybe it’s the feeling of my heart cracking in my chest.
“So, you’re just going to abandon me?” I ask. “You’re going to be like every other therapist and pass me off to someone else?”
“Roman, I can’t be your therapist,” she says, the pain and desperation obvious in her voice. “I’m so far past the level of unprofessional that I can’t even see the line anymore. You have to understand that.”
But I can’t understand it. I’m terrified of losing Lily, of seeing who I am, and what I might become, without her. Not to mention, the idea of not being with her is more than I can stand.
And because I can’t accept what she’s saying, my brain grasps for some other reason she might be doing this. It has to be because of my injury.
“Was the sex really that bad?”
She jerks back at that. “Was…what?”
I dive headfirst into the accusation, my words snowballing as my head spins and my heart shatters.
“All of this because I can’t fuck you properly?” I shake my head with a scoff. “Damn, Lily, if you’re going to dump me because I’m bad in bed, at least be honest about it.”
Lily’s eyes widen. “You cannot be serious right now.”
“I don’t hear you denying it,” I say defensively.
I can see the thoughts roiling around her brain as she searches my face, trying to figure out how to respond.
“So, that’s what your brain is hearing right now, huh? It’s not that I could lose my job, or even my license , you think I’m doing this because I have an issue with our physical chemistry? Are you serious?”
Before I can respond, frustration changes her tone. “Do I need to remind you about the night we met? Because you and I both know I was just as hot for you last week as I was two years ago. So don’t you dare bring your injury into this.”
Her words have my body heating, lust flaming at the memory. I remember exactly how turned on she was two years ago.
I remember everything about that kiss. The way she tasted like berries, but with a hint of mint. How soft her skin felt under my hands. The way she wrapped her leg around me and rocked against my cock, silently begging for more until I finally lifted her into my arms and ravished her against the wall.
That last detail blasts me back to the present.
Because I can’t lift her up anymore.
There’s a different kind of heat in my voice when I look at Lily and tell her, “Trust me, I know why you wanted me then .”
Her lips part to say something, but before she can dispute it, I temporarily lose my mind and tug her into my lap.