33. Liliana
33
LILIANA
A week after my fight with Roman, Tina finds me miserably jabbing at the buttons on our coffee machine.
She bumps me aside to take over coffee duties, and once the air fills with the smell of brewing coffee, she turns around and crosses her arms, fixing me with a hard stare.
“Alright, I think I’ve given you more than enough time and space. Are you ready to talk about whatever happened last week?”
I pluck at a string on my sweatshirt. “Not really,” I murmur sullenly.
She lets out a sad sigh and drops her arms to her sides. “Just talk to me. You’ve barely left the house and…I can hear you crying at night.” When I only sniffle in response, she adds quietly, “I already know it’s about Roman.”
It doesn’t even surprise me by now that my feelings for Roman were this obvious to everyone. But I still ask, “How?”
She gives me a sad smile. “Because he’s the only one I’ve ever known to affect you this strongly. Now and two years ago.”
I let out a shaky exhale and nod. “Yeah, it’s about Roman.”
Tina’s eyes move over my face for a moment before she nods and turns around to quickly prepare two cups of coffee for us.
“Start at the beginning,” she says as she slides a mug over to me.
Forty-five minutes later, I’ve confessed every honest, ugly truth. I’ve been crying on and off, and I think I’ve hit every emotion on the spectrum with the chronological retelling. By the time I tell Tina about the fight with Roman, I’m in the same heartbroken state I was in when I walked away from Roman.
“You did the right thing with him,” Tina says, her tone gentle. It’s the first time she’s said anything, so I release a single, somewhat relieved breath when she says that. “There’s no way you could have kept working with him after that.”
“I know, I just… I can’t stop worrying about him. I knew he wasn’t going to react well to it, but I didn’t think he’d just quit entirely.” When I wipe away yet another tear, Tina hands me a tissue. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him. But now I’m worried that I ruined everything.”
“Lily, you can’t feel guilty for Roman quitting,” Tina says, her tone somehow both gentle and stern. “ If he quits, that’s his decision. He’s a grown man. You’re not responsible for his life choices.”
But then she pauses, and I look up to see her nervously mulling something over. I know what she’s going to say before she even opens her mouth, and my stomach sinks.
The look she gives me is almost pitying as she says, “But you are responsible for your life choices. And Lily…you need to come clean to your boss.”
I nod miserably. “I know. I’ve been stressing over this all week. These past few months, I wanted to tell Fran so many times, but every time I almost walked into her office, I just…couldn’t. Because of Roman.”
Tina gives me a confused look, but I’m relieved to see there’s no judgment in it. “What do you mean?”
“Tina, he got better ,” I rush to explain. “Everything I was doing, all the texting and time we spent together, all of it was helping him. He was motivated, he was trying—he was finally making real progress for the first time in two years.”
“Is that why you did it?”
My gaze drops to my lap, throat tightening up. Because no, that’s not why I did it.
When I finally gather the strength to look up again, I shouldn’t be surprised by the sadness that enters Tina’s eyes, because it’s merely a confirmation of what I’ve known subconsciously this whole time.
“Because that doesn’t make it okay,” she says with an expression that shows just how kind she’s being about this. “You have a moral obligation as a healthcare provider, Lily.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I know, I know.”
“So, then you have to tell your boss,” she pushes. “For one, it’s the right thing to do. For another, it’s clearly eating you up inside. This is what you’ve been stressed about, isn’t it?”
I nod silently.
“Tell Fran. Tell her the truth, and deal with this the right way.” When she takes my hands in hers, the touch warm and comforting, my eyes fill with tears all over again. “And no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you.” She gives me a love-filled smile, her eyes also glassy. “We’ll figure it out, Lily. You’ll be okay, too.”
I nod my defeat and fall into her arms. But even as I prepare to come clean, and to possibly lose my job, my license, my life , all I can think about is…
If he’s happy and better off at the end of all this, it was worth it.
* * *
I look like a wreck when I walk into the clinic a few hours later. I debated waiting a day or two to hopefully pull myself together a little more, but in the end, I decided I don’t want to wait. I need to deal with this.
I enter through the back door at a time when only a few other people are still working, and immediately approach Fran’s office. She calls for me to come in as soon as I knock, but does a triple-take when she finally looks up at me.
“What’s wrong?” she demands, standing from her chair and coming around her desk. “What happened?”
“Do you have a few minutes to talk?” I ask instead.
“Of course, of course.” She gestures for me to sit in one of the guest chairs, and she takes the one beside it. “Tell me what happened.”
I suck in a shaky breath. All day, I’ve been trying to figure out what to say and how to start, but I’m no closer to knowing the right answer. So I just…start talking.
“Fran, I made a mistake. I…developed an inappropriate relationship with a patient.”
A wall drops over Fran’s eyes, making it impossible to read her. She leans back in her chair as she studies me.
“This is about Roman.” She says it as a statement, not a question.
I nod. I had already assumed it wouldn’t be hard to guess which of my patients.
“It was only a friendship for the longest time,” I explain, trying to make my voice sound as neutral as possible, and not at all defensive. “But then that friendship went beyond the clinic. I knew even that was wrong, but…” I swallow thickly. “I felt that I could help Roman as more than just his physical therapist.”
The words taste bitter on my tongue. Because while that’s true in a way, none of what I did was solely because I wanted to help Roman. I didn’t give him my pity friendship.
I wanted his friendship.
“I see,” Fran says, still giving nothing away. “And I’m assuming this friendship later developed…feelings?”
I’m grateful for her wording. If she had asked me relationship questions, or—God forbid—questions about whether a physical relationship developed, I probably would have given everything away and expired on the spot.
Again, I nod slowly. Then, deciding to be honest about my feelings, I admit, “It was impossible not to. With him.”
That finally elicits a reaction I can decipher. Fran softens the tiniest bit before letting out a heavy exhale.
“Lily, I’ve been a manager within the healthcare space for almost twenty years. I’ve known you for almost ten. I’d like to think I can read people well enough to not be completely oblivious.” Sliding her glasses off, she massages the bridge of her nose. “To be honest, I should take partial responsibility for this. I had a feeling something was going on.”
I drop my gaze, shame rolling through me. I’ve known Fran since I was a senior in high school—she was my dad’s physical therapist and became something of a mentor for me way before she ever hired me as a PT. The last thing I ever wanted to do with all this was hurt someone I respect so much.
Fran continues her thought. “But I, too, was amazed by Roman’s progress. I just figured whatever friendship you two had struck up was working. I should have realized that wasn’t the end of it.” She pauses, and when she speaks again, the disappointment in her voice is obvious. “You know better, Lily.”
I choke on the sob I’ve been holding back. This feels almost as bad as my conversation with Roman.
“I know,” I say, a tear running down my cheek as I look up to meet Fran’s eyes again. “And I am so, so sorry. You’re right, I should have known better. I should have told you sooner. I just— I don’t know why?—”
I feel Fran’s eyes on me as I once again try to compose myself. I have no idea what she’s thinking, or where she’s going to take this. My future really is in her hands at this point.
As if reading my mind, she says in an even tone, “I should fire you.”
I flinch at the harsh statement.
“I should report you to the state board, too. On paper, this is an abuse of power and any future patient in your care would be at risk.”
My stomach sinks. I knew this was the most likely outcome, but I never really thought?—
“But I won’t.”
My head snaps up in shock. “You… What? ”
“I’m not going to report you, Lily,” Fran says in that same even tone. “Or fire you. But I am putting you on probation.”
My head is still spinning. “Why… why would you do that? I don’t understand. I broke so many rules. I did the most unethical thing I can think of in this profession, I… I don’t understand.”
“If it were any other therapist, or any other patient , I would.” Her tone eases. “But I know you. I know your soul, Lily. I know that you wish every day that you could take your patients’ pain from them. I know that if you did something like this, there was an irrefutable reason for it. Not to mention, I also know Roman. I saw how he changed, between his first day and now, and I saw how much your care meant to him. How much it affected his recovery. How you helped him. I think that’s why I didn’t ask you more often how things were going.”
When she hesitates, I look up at her with a confused frown. She’s studying me. “I was also scared of what would happen to him if I disrupted your process with him. Which I was apparently right about.”
My frown deepens. “What do you mean?” I ask with a sniffle.
Another hesitation. Then, “He hasn’t been back to the clinic since I reassigned him. He never showed up to his sessions with the new PT last week.”
And after everything, maybe that cuts the most. Because regardless of what I fucked up, regardless of the mistakes I made, the only thing I ever wanted for Roman is a better quality of life. “Then none of it helped,” I say, my voice thick as tears start to fall again. “He’s right back to square one. Everything I did, everything I justified—it didn’t work.”
“Oh, Lily,” Fran says with a sigh. “Did you really think his recovery wasn’t going to have some highs and lows? When I admitted him in here as a patient, I expected him to quit twice as many times as he has. He’s not back at square one, I can promise you that.” She waits until I meet her eyes before saying, “You know just like I do that that man has more fight left in him.”
And I realize…she’s right. My guilt hasn’t allowed me to see how much hope I still harbor for Roman’s health and happiness. But the truth is, I believe in his ability to better himself far more than I’m letting myself admit.
I reach for the tissue box on Fran’s desk to wipe the tears off my face. “Even still,” I murmur, still nervous about this part of the conversation, “I can’t be the one in his corner anymore.”
“No, you cannot,” Fran agrees, standing from her chair and rounding her desk to settle in her own office chair. “I would have pulled him as your client.” Her focus has already locked back on her computer screen, but it flits to me for a split second. “But I’m glad you recognized that before I needed to act on it. If nothing else, that tells me that you’re still somewhat clear-headed enough about this whole thing.” Her gaze moves back to her screen. “I’ll deal with Roman. But as far as your next steps…”
I stiffen in my seat before hanging my head. “I’ll accept any punishment you see fit. Just tell me what you want me to do. Anything is a blessing compared to losing my license.”
“And don’t ever forget that. No, you’re not losing your license or your job. But I’m officially putting you on probation for the next six months. I will be in complete control of your case load, and you will do a weekly debrief session with me to review every single one of your patients. If I see any unprofessional behavior, any at all, you’re gone. I’m not doing a repeat of this, Lily.”
I shake my head rapidly. “Never. This will never happen again, I promise.”
Fran nods her approval. “Good. There’s one more thing.”
My brow furrows with confusion, but I say anyway, “Anything.”
She holds my gaze, imprinting the importance of whatever she’s about to say.
“No one can know about this. As of right now, what happened between you and Roman Ward does not leave this office.”
My eyes widen. I know she’s right because I know how badly my professional reputation would be tarnished If something like this came out even as a rumor.
It’s just hitting me a little hard that this also means?—
“That also means you two cannot have any kind of relationship right now,” Fran confirms. “It would be far too easy for people to put two and two together if you two remained friends. It’s easier to say you two hit a wall in his recovery and he transferred clinics to continue his physical therapy elsewhere.”
I nod, feeling miserable. “You don’t have to worry about that. He wants nothing to do with me anyway.”
Fran gives me an odd look. I expect her to comment on what I just said, but she only shakes her head.
“Regardless, we just need it to be quiet. I’ve taken care of the rest.” Her expression becomes stern. “Are we clear about everything?”
I nod once more. “Crystal. I can’t thank you enough, Fran.” My voice cracks as I add, “I don’t deserve you, but I’m grateful for you.”
At that, Fran releases an exhale and stands from her chair, then comes around to lift me from mine so she can wrap her arms around me.
“You’re a good person, Lily,” she whispers in my ear. “Don’t lose sight of that in all of this.”
I don’t know if I can agree with her at the moment, but I return the hug with a squeeze anyway.