Chapter 4 Rachel #2
But as I looked at Giulia, I found that I couldn’t.
Uneasily, I told her, “Scott… he said things that were…”
“Hurtful?” she prompted when I fell silent.
I nodded. “Very. He… I shouldn’t have said what I did either though.”
“I heard most of the conversation,” she admitted.
I didn’t bother cringing. “Is that why you asked if I had an abortion? Because he said I ‘threw my baby away?’”
“Yeah. No judgment here if that’s what actually happened.
” She squeezed my wrist. “Don’t know you all that well, Rachel, but what I do know is that you’re on the cold side.
Me? I blow up. I get mad, set metaphorical fire to shit, punch the wall.
You’re the opposite. If I know that, I’m sure if you’ve been friends a long time, he knows that too—”
“Not sure that makes this better,” I grumbled, rolling the glass against my forehead.
Maybe she was right to ask if I was okay.
I sure as hell felt feverish, and keeping any food down was next to impossible.
It didn’t help that I hated doctors. Going to the hospital as often as I did for Bear was a fucking nightmare in and of itself. The last thing I wanted was to be back there with my own symptoms.
“Not sure I said it to make it better,” Giulia replied with a soft laugh. “I was just saying that he must have come to you for logic.”
“Or law advice,” I muttered bitterly.
“That too. You’d have a problem with that?”
“Not ordinarily, no.”
“What he said really was out of order if that helps any.”
My mouth firmed. “I’m sure he thought I was invalidating his feelings.”
She snorted. “So he invalidated yours? See, this is why I don’t like people.”
Despite myself, I found that my lips were twitching. “In general?”
“In general,” she confirmed, planting herself on the seat beside me. Her nails, short and blunt but still long enough for the black lacquer on them, tapped the table. “They suck. Do you disagree?”
“How can I?” I countered on an exhalation. “You know most of my clients.”
A choked laugh gusted from her. “True. But they’re decent. Mostly, anyway. And for all that they’ll kill a pedo, I mean, they wouldn’t hurt us, would they?”
“No.” I placed the glass back down on the table. “I’m okay, Giulia. You don’t have to sit with me or anything.”
“You still look pale,” she said mutinously. “Do you want something to eat? Maybe get your blood sugar up?”
I shook my head, grimacing at the thought of food.
“Before I found out I was pregnant, I looked just like you. Turned my nose up at food, was puking all the time. I even lost weight, which is one of those ironic things, don’t you think?
Lose weight before you put on three times as much?
” she complained but patted her stomach as if she were trying to soften the blow to her baby.
“I’m not pregnant though,” I mumbled. “I think I’m coming down with the flu or something.”
“Ugh, that’s miserable. You should get some rest.”
“I can’t. I have things to do.”
“Like what?”
“Like work?” I heaved a sigh. “Plus, I need to find out how to fight Scott’s surrogate if she is thinking of absconding with their baby.”
“Even after he talked down to you?”
“Even after that,” I said grimly.
Her arched brow told me that she thought I was crazy.
Maybe I was.
She shrugged. “I’ll leave you to it.”
I watched her get up, wasn’t going to say anything at all, then as she made it to the door, I said, “Thanks, Giulia.”
She hitched a shoulder but her grin flashed as she turned back to look at me before she strode out of the kitchen. “I speak the truth and no bullshit.”
No, her bullshit-o-meter was definitely low.
Most days, mine was too, but Scott had gone for the jugular, and he’d scored a solid hit.
A part of me wondered if I should contact Craig, see what else was going on.
Scott had a habit of overreacting and blowing up at the smallest thing.
Craig was a lot calmer. To be honest, I didn’t know how Craig put up with Scott, and after today, after such a nasty sideswipe at me, I was left questioning that even more.
The rest of the afternoon, as a result of that one call, was unproductive as hell.
I couldn’t get past how easy it had been for him to jump on everything I had to say and to cut close to the bone with each retort.
When I eventually gave in and tried to call Craig, he didn’t pick up. Which told me he was taking Scott’s side in this.
I guessed that made sense seeing as they were in a relationship and he had to live with the man, but that hurt too.
I hadn’t done anything wrong aside from be myself.
Was it so bad that I wasn’t maternal?
I’d never pretended to be. When they discussed their plans of using a surrogate, I’d listened because I loved them and wanted them to be happy—they’d been considering this for years by the time they’d contracted everything with Andrea—but I hadn’t promised to be the best aunty in the US.
Nor had I said that I’d be their babysitter whenever they needed.
I’d figured that they knew how I was because upon realizing they were going to ask me to be Sarah’s godmother, I’d told them that I wasn’t a good fit.
I didn’t think they were offended—they hadn’t said anything.
After they’d offered the role to someone else, the topic had never been brought up again.
Maybe it was a point of contention, maybe they felt insulted, but I didn’t see why. I wasn’t the one who suddenly wanted a kid.
It felt as if they’d changed the parameters of our friendship and they hadn’t told me.
Giulia, I realized, wasn’t wrong—people sucked.
I just didn’t think I’d ever lump Scott and Craig into that mix…
Fine. I was fine. Just, it was more F.I.N.E.
I’d never liked that acronym.
“What’s with you?” Parker, my EA, demanded on our final call of the day. “You don’t even have to go out again and you’re grumpier than a sow’s paw.”
My brow furrowed. “Isn’t it a bear’s paw? Do sows even have paws?”
“My grandma used to say it.”
I rolled my eyes, but I was used to Parker’s grandma’s wrong sayings. It didn’t stop me from always correcting her though.
“I’m sure she did.”
“She did!” Parker argued, but she was laughing at me, and my lips, I had to admit, were twitching. “Come on then, sourpuss. What’s going on?”
“I’m just stressed.”
“When aren’t you?”
“Well, that was below the belt.”
“The truth often is,” she intoned, her fingers clacking away at her keyboard. “Just FYI, your groceries are arriving in two hours.”
“Did they have the raspberry water kefir I like?”
“They did. That stuff’s nasty. It tastes how farts smell.”
“Lucky you’re not the one drinking it then.” My lips curved. “Thanks, Parker.”
“No worries. Laundry service will be by before seven as well, and I managed to get a meeting with Francine Petronelli scheduled too—”
Parker managed both my personal and business life. Some days, I didn’t know where I’d be without her, even if she did have bad taste in fermented drinks.
“Parker?” I asked when she was done telling me about the next couple days’ schedule—most of which made me internally groan because I’d be spending more time in Manhattan than I’d like before Christmas.
“Yep?”
For a second, I contemplated blurting out the whole sorry mess with Scott to her. I’d long since learned that Parker had my back in all things, but…
It was humiliating.
Though I knew she’d make me feel better, I shoved those thoughts aside and turned it back to work.
When Rain came home an hour later and asked me how I was, even after speaking with Parker, F.I.N.E. was still my answer.
Frantic. Insecure. Nervous. Erratic.
He knew too.
Arching a brow at me, he asked, “Rach?”
Somehow, my baby brother had become a man who could discern that my throwaway answer was total bull.
As I stared at him, at his concern, I didn’t answer, just blurted out, “When did you grow up?”
A grin creased his lips. “You were there for most of it.”
Sometimes, even though I’d accomplished a lot while I was out of his life, I regretted those lost years.
Years where Axel had been the driving force in his childhood.
Years where my stepfather had managed to imbue a desire in Rain to become a goddamn soldier.
That was the last thing I wanted for him, especially knowing what Maverick had gone through during his service, but I knew that was his plan. He thought he could hide his dreams from me, but I could read him like a fucking book.
I huffed. “You’ve gone from an awkward teenager into this Captain America replica.”
Something flickered in his eyes, something that made him backpedal. “Nah, not Captain America—” I almost scoffed but he spoke over me, “I’m just working out more.”
More?
Ha.
He had muscles on top of muscles. I’d seen him working out in the yard the other day. He had actual pecs! My baby brother—pecs and abs. It was weird.
He was probably getting laid by all the clubwhores. We’d had the sex talk years ago, but I just hoped he didn’t get one of those bitches pregnant. I thought I’d prefer for him to serve our country than become a dad at eighteen.
As judgmental as that sounded, I figured I was in the right place to judge. I’d been pregnant at eighteen, and it had been hell for me. Why would I wish that on him?
“No shit,” I retorted. “Working out more? I’ve seen you training outside at all the hours God sends.”
He shrugged. “I like it. Anyway, what’s going on with you?”
Noting the quick shift in conversation, I didn’t bother grumbling under my breath as I made us both a coffee from the machine.
This was one of our rituals.
He had school, a job, and he trained, but we always met up for a coffee after he returned home.
Dumping his bag on the kitchen floor, he perched on the stool as he waited for me to slide the mug in front of him.
“Nothing’s going on with me.”
He snorted. “You could probably get away with that with anyone else but me. I know you too well.”
That wasn’t a lie.
Jesus, he was eighteen.
He was going to leave home soon.
Worse, he’d be in basic training.
There’d be no more coffees after school or work.
A bewildering feeling settled inside me—it was hurt and grief and panic. An odd combination that made me breathless with dread.
Forcing myself to calm down, to act normal, to focus on the conversation with Scott so I could explain it to him, I muttered, “Scott was a prick to me earlier.”
Rain arched a brow. “I don’t like him.”
“I know you don’t.” Rex didn’t either. “That’s not the point. I do.”
“You spend most of your time arguing,” he countered. “And he’s usually the one who puts you in a shitty frame of mind.”
I scowled. “That’s not true.”
Disbelief etched into his expression as he accepted the coffee. “What did he do this time?”
Rain didn’t know about Wynter. I didn’t want him to know. Not yet.
Someday.
But not today.
Clearing my throat, I answered, “He said that I didn’t care about his surrogate.”
Rain blinked. “Well, you don’t, do you?”
I almost snickered. “Rain!”
“What? You don’t!” he remarked guilelessly. “You’re not the most maternal of women, Rach, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’d like to think you did a decent job with me but I don’t see you signing up for babysitting duties—”
God, it was uncanny how well he knew me.
Grimacing, I agreed, “No. That’s not me.”
“And seeing how he’s known you almost all your life, you’d think he’d have realized that by now.” His sniff was dismissive. “Anyway, what was the emergency this time?”
“How do you know there was one?”
He rolled his eyes. “Because there always is with him. He’s a pain. I like Craig. Craig’s rational. Scott, not so much.”
“I know what you mean.” Even that made me feel cruel though. Scott was very emotional, and there was nothing wrong with that, but Craig and I were on the same wavelength. “His surrogate has gone missing.”
“Missing?” Rain repeated blankly.
“Well, she hasn’t answered her phone—”
He started to snicker. “He probably calls her ten times a day, wanting to know if the baby farted or something, and she got sick of it.”
My lips twitched because I couldn’t imagine Scott wasn’t ‘hands on’ with the process. “That’s mean,” I chided.
“Mean but true,” was all he said, a twinkle in his eye that probably had the girls in his class fluttering around him like a flight of butterflies. “So, what was the problem?”
“Well, he thinks she’s gone missing, and I wasn’t as understanding as he’d have liked.”
“So?”
I swallowed and tried not to feel like I was back in grade school. “He called me names.”
He tipped his head to the side. “What did he call you?”
“Even gay guys aren’t imaginative,” I mocked.
“Bitch?” he guessed.
“Yes.”
He hummed as he took a sip of coffee. “I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be a bitch.”
“Meaning I am one?”
Rain’s grin was sheepish. “I mean you’re you, Rach.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I sniped.
“Not particularly. But if you had a dick, they wouldn’t call you bitch. It’s just that people expect you to be a certain way because you’re a girl, but you’re kinda masculine in how you respond to stuff—”
I gaped at him. “Rain, you need to shut up before you dig yourself a deeper grave.”
He chuckled. “I’m always one foot in a grave with you anyway.” He leaned over the counter and smacked a kiss to my cheek before he pulled back, drained his mug, and got to his feet. “You don’t normally care what people think of you, Rach. I don’t think you should let Scott get under your skin.”
Because he thought I was a bitch too.
Wow.
Maybe I shouldn’t have been hurt because I knew he didn’t think it was a flaw in my character, but I was.
He was accustomed to me being a bitch and didn’t know any other side of me.
And he perceived all that without knowing that I’d given up my baby for adoption, which would only lead to extra judgment.
Because, after all, what woman gave up her kid?
My teeth ached from how hard I ground down on them at the thought.
Like I’d had a say in things.
Like it was my fault I hadn’t been fit to parent my daughter…
He bussed me on the cheek, telling me, “I love you whether you are or not, so that’s all that matters, right?”
I didn’t answer.
As he wandered off, muttering something about an essay he needed to complete before he headed for his shift at Crosskeys, the country club where he worked, I tried not to feel like he’d stabbed me.
Apparently, my baby brother wasn’t as perceptive as I’d thought.
My throat was tight and thick with emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. A part of me could have puked; the other part wanted to cry.
With how weird my body was behaving right now, I might have been able to do both at the same time.
Truth was, I didn’t mind if the rest of the world thought I was a bitch. I lived up to the title in the courtroom and with my clients; it was, after all, one way of corralling the bunch of criminals that called me their attorney.
But first Scott, then Rain?
Ouch.