Chapter 36 Rachel
THIRTY-SIX
RACHEL
I was going to be sick.
I could feel it.
My stomach was churning and everything south of my throat was bubbling away like I’d swallowed ten laxatives.
Wynter wanted to talk to me.
The afternoon had turned to shit when Rex had cut the call with me then had refused to answer when I tried phoning back.
I’d been dreading that conversation, but I had no idea how long he’d be down there, and I knew it was unlikely that he wouldn’t follow Bear’s request to the letter no matter how much it hurt him.
I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, but instead, I was terrified that I’d killed off any chance Rex had of wanting to talk with me.
The anxiety that imploded inside me took me back to some darker times, making it resonate with me again how much I needed him. How much I missed him. Our impasse was one thing, but for him to ignore me was just hell.
His text message brought relief, but it was followed up with more terror.
I could literally feel the acid in my stomach eating away at the lining.
Hello, Ulcer, pleasure to meet you.
Having managed to buy myself two minutes, I wished like hell I could down a shot of vodka, but that wasn’t to be.
Instead, I plunked myself in the back seat of the car and raised the privacy screen with an order to Emile not to disturb me until I lowered it. Even if it meant driving around the block a couple times outside the Attorney General’s office where my next meeting was being held.
I sucked in a few deep breaths which almost made me more nauseated than earlier, and before I could talk myself out of it, I hit the 'connect' button.
When he answered, I quickly tapped the 'mute' button and let out a sob of relief.
“Rach?” he asked. When I didn’t answer, he grumbled, “Rach? You there?”
I allowed myself a single sniffle, untapped the 'mute' button, and murmured, “Hi, Rex. Sorry, the line must be bad.”
I sounded like I'd been strangled.
“I have someone here who wants to say hello.”
There was silence, then the softest voice came down the line. “Hi, Rachel. This is Wynter.”
My mouth worked, and I whispered, “Hello, Wynter. Pleasure to meet you.”
I had no idea what to say.
Not a single clue.
I was supposed to fill in the gaps—I was the adult here.
Was this supposed to be so fucking hard?
Like always, fear shadowed me.
That I’d be like my mom.
That I was just as crappy at parenting as she was.
She’d have let the silence continue too.
She’d have made me do all the work because she didn’t care.
She never cared—
“Rex tells me you play the piano,” I blurted out, refusing to listen to that stupid inner voice for much longer.
I didn’t have to be like Mom.
I was me.
I was Rachel.
“I do,” Wynter murmured.
Nerves still taut, I rasped, “I always wanted to play the piano.”
“You did?”
“I did. Classes were too expensive though.”
“You could learn now.”
“I’m too busy—” My brow furrowed as a thought occurred to me. “I guess you make time for things that matter though, don’t you?”
“Work’s your mother’s priority.”
Rex’s voice was flat enough that it made my cheeks flush then blanch. I wasn’t sure if he’d meant to sound so critical, but it came out that way. Which, to be frank, was bullshit. Many people could judge me for being a workaholic but the pot calling kettle black was appropriate here.
“It’s something we both lean on,” was my only retort, and I tried to keep my own voice as toneless as possible.
“I think that’s normal. In my history class, the teacher was talking about how societal evolution means that we’re not fighting for survival anymore but our instincts are still there, so we push ourselves into work because that’s another, more modern, means of surviving.”
Her history teacher needed to stick to the curriculum.
Not that I said that.
Those were two or three sentences she’d uttered that I hadn’t had to pry out of her.
After I cleared my throat, I said, “Survival comes in many shapes and sizes. I-I actually just hired someone to help me out with some things so maybe I could take classes?”
I didn’t know why I’d voiced that as a question.
I sure as hell wasn’t asking permission from Rex.
“That’d be good if you could take some time for yourself,” he rumbled.
Closing my eyes at the sound of his voice, the relief hitting me that he was talking and not just being a jackass, that he might forgive the messenger and not keep on shooting at me, I murmured, “Yeah. Lily’s a godsend so I might be able to start soon.
” I didn’t know if it was something I was saying to fill in the gaps or if I meant it. I’d figure it out later.
This was worse than the oral exam in French class.
“Who’s Lily?” Wynter asked.
“The girlfriend of one of your father’s friends.” A gasp escaped me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to call him that—”
“It’s okay, Rachel,” Wynter said calmly.
It wasn’t okay.
“To me, he is your dad,” I whispered miserably. “I wasn’t thinking. Truly, Wynter, I apologize.”
“Honestly, it’s fine. I understand.”
How could she?
“Calm down, Rachel,” Rex said gruffly. “It’s a learning curve.”
That meant he found it hard too.
Relieved again, I decided to change the subject back to the one I’d derailed. “Link’s one of Rex’s closest friends. He and a bunch of other guys here grew up together and now, they help him with his businesses.”
“Businesses? Do you own a porn studio like they do in Sons of Anarchy?”
My eyes flared wide as Rex started choking as he coughed.
Seeing as he was going to be no help, I blurted out, “No! They don’t own a porn studio. Aren’t you too young to be watching Sons of Anarchy?”
“I’m seventeen.” Wynter snorted. “Plus, who’s going to stop me?”
It could have sounded bitter, but it wasn’t.
It was… playful.
She was amused at our shock.
Because Rex was still spluttering like an idiot, I tried to streamline things again. “They have a bar and a garage, a club—” No way was I telling her it was a titty bar. “—and then there’s the diner. They just bought a motel too and are in the process of developing a microbrewery.”
“Really?” I heard Wynter’s surprise. “That’s a lot of businesses, Rex.”
“Yeah, it’s a lot of responsibility.”
“Shouldn’t you be there?”
Rex’s answer was instantaneous. “I’m where I need to be.”
“Oh.”
I didn’t need to look at Wynter to know she was blushing.
“Lily is,” I continued into the silence, “very smart, and Giulia reminded me of that so I brought her in to help me with some of the licensing and some of the more political maneuvering that’s needed here in town.”
That had probably gone over Wynter’s head, but Rex asked, “You talking about the mayor’s election?”
“I am. Do you know what NGOs are, Wynter?”
“Like charities, right?”
“Yes. I manage some of those, and though she’s only been here a week or so, Lily has already proven herself to be invaluable in helping me out with them. I-I think you know that I’m a defense attorney?”
“I do.”
“Well, unfortunately, a lot of the crowd I know are criminals, whereas Lily is a Lindenbourg so she knows the Manhattan socialites.
“I have a gala coming up soon and I wish Lily had been around when I was planning it. It would have been twice the size with all the people she’d have invited.”
“Can’t you get a bigger venue?” Wynter asked, her curiosity clear.
“The hotel upgraded us to a different suite, but it’s too late for anything bigger sadly. But there’s always next year, isn’t there?” I asked brightly.
“There is,” Wynter agreed.
“We’ve been upgraded to another room, but it’s still smaller than it should be.”
“I have to admit that I’m surprised. Do you work with charities because you feel bad about helping criminals when they’re guilty?”
My throat felt thick, and as I stared at the privacy screen in front of me, my eyes blurred.
A shaken breath spilled from my lips as shame and mortification went to war deep inside me.
I didn’t think she’d meant to cut into me, but she had.
She really fucking had.
And Rex wasn’t saying a word.
“Rachel?”
Again with the curiosity.
It made me realize she wasn’t trying to be cruel. Her words weren’t intentionally barbed.
That didn’t make them hurt less.
“A lot of bad things have happened to me in my life,” I said, voice wobbling. “If I can stop them from happening to someone else, or if I can make things better for other people, at least I’ll have accomplished something.”
“So it isn’t to do with the people you take as clients? Because surely their victims are the ones who need help?”
“N-No,” I muttered. “Everyone has the basic right to a defense.”
“Do you have to be so good at it?”
“Everything in this life should be done to the best of one’s ability.” I swallowed. “Look, I-I have to go. It’s been great speaking with you, Wynter. I’d love to do it again sometime—”
“How about tomorrow?” Rex inserted before I could finish. “I can call you when we’re having breakfast.”
I gulped.
He wasn’t going to let me get out of this.
“F-Fine,” I stuttered. “I’ll eat my second breakfast with you.”
If I didn’t puke out the first one.
Rex chortled, “You and The goddamn Hobbit.”
“You like The Lord of the Rings?”
“She’d fan girl Tolkien if she could,” Rex grumbled.
“We could do a video call,” Wynter suggested eagerly.
She didn’t sound like she understood how badly her remarks had cut and the Tolkien thing seemed to have smoothed over troubled waters… right?
“O-Okay,” I whispered, even if the prospect of her seeing my expression was terrifying.
I guessed I’d be able to see her too though.
Seventeen years ago, I’d never imagined I’d reconnect with my daughter via video call.
“I’ll speak with you later, Rachel,” Rex said coolly.
I didn’t answer him, just said, “It was lovely hearing your voice, Wynter.”
Before she could reply, I ended the call and, like a fool, burst into tears.
My cell buzzed after a while.
Rex: I’m sorry I hung up on you earlier. I’m sorry for acting like a dick. This isn’t your fault. I shot the messenger, and this is on Dad, not you. Can I call you later?
Blindly, I looked out onto the road, staring at the traffic, knowing that I had to somehow get through the next meeting without breaking down.
God, the anxiety… it was almost a tangible entity. It might as well have taken a seat beside me in the car.
My cell flashed again.
Rex: I’m sorry I fucked up.