Chapter 38 Rachel #2
After the day I’d had, I probably looked like shit. It was no wonder she was asking when she was used to seeing me dressed to impress and not like a bag of laundry.
“I used to see a shrink, but I stopped that years ago.”
“Why?”
“Because…” My mouth twisted as I thought about how to answer that without sounding like a lunatic.
Some days, I sure as hell felt like one.
After nights with no sleep and nightmares that were on a loop.
After days of craving Rex only to see his face and be flashed back to those moments when his bastard uncle was writhing on top of me, his body entering mine as Dog held me down, pinching my nose—
A choking sound escaped me, and then Lily was there again. Her hand was on mine, squeezing gently, taking us back to the breathing exercise.
I’d done a million breathing exercises in my time, but it was the way her pretty eyes looked into mine that helped calm me.
Someone who understood what it was like to have your choices taken from you.
Who understood the trauma of not being able to escape a memory.
When I’d calmed down, I choked out, “I was suicidal for a long time at the end of my teen years. I had a shrink then. I was always scared they’d hospitalize me again.”
Her eyes flickered at the ‘again,’ but before I could feel any shame, she rasped, “Maybe you should talk with Tiffany? She almost graduated in her field, and while that’s not…
I know you can afford the best psychiatrists in New York, but if you don’t trust them to—” She swallowed. “Tiff helps me. She really does.”
I stared into those kind eyes and asked, “Is that why you let her mother live there?”
Her smile was sheepish. “To a certain extent. I’ve known her all my life, and she really was like a second mother to me. It’s only since Richard died that she’s turned into such a bitch. If the situation were reversed, I know Tiff would care for my mom.”
Her mom who’d been murdered by her dad.
God.
“I haven’t been this out of control for years,” I admitted.
A part of me knew the pregnancy was the reason for it—excess hormones and I didn’t go well together—but I didn’t want to tell her that.
I hadn’t told anyone in our inner circle.
Giulia had figured it out then told Nyx, who’d informed the goddamn council, but I hadn’t said it out loud to anyone close to us.
That was for Rex.
I wouldn’t let him down again, and I’d tell him soon. When things were better between us. When…
I didn’t know when, but I would.
He’d undoubtedly get pissed at me over delaying, but that was next week’s problem. I had enough to handle this week.
“Grief shakes everything up,” Lily agreed. “It helped that I didn’t care about my father at all. I was glad he was dead, glad to take a part in that. Otherwise that would have been very hard to cope with.”
Nodding, I said, “Makes sense.”
“It also helped that I had Link,” Lily said softly. “He never rushed me. Not even after he branded me.” She turned her wrist face up and I looked at the geometric lines of her fox tattoo.
“You mean…”
She nodded. “We didn’t have penetrative sex for months. He never pushed me. We always went at my pace. It made everything easier, you know? He accepted me for who I am and loved me regardless.”
I knew my eyes were massive as I looked at her. “Link—”
Her grin was sheepish but she knew where I was coming from. “I know he was a manwhore.”
Understatement.
I didn’t say that, just reasoned, “I knew he loved you, but that’s definitely unexpected.”
“I like to think that that’s Link. Always illuminating.”
Her smile was multifaceted. It spoke of her love for him, his for her. It spoke of the feelings he imbued in her. But more than anything, it spoke of how lucky she felt.
I was glad for her.
She deserved a man like Link who cared for her the way he did.
I tightened my fingers around hers. “I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. I’m being ridiculous.”
She shook her head. “Whatever happened to you, Rachel, you don’t have to be sorry for it.”
Something flickered in her gaze, and while her tone wasn’t hesitant, there was something about it that reminded me of when I was questioning a witness on the stand and was trying to get them to admit to things they wanted to hide from the jury.
Preferring to call her bluff, I asked, “What is it?”
“We didn’t ask for these things to happen to us. They were done to us. I know that sounds obvious but sometimes, it’s easy to forget and it’s easy for that truth to blur.”
Throat thick with emotions, I nodded. “I-If it happened and you could erase it, that would be one thing. But it never goes, does it? It’s not just something that happened; it’s something that happens. It keeps happening over and over—”
As I paused to suck in a sharp breath, she nodded. “Would you… tomorrow…”
When she broke off, I swiped a hand over my cheeks, unsurprised to find them drenched, and asked, “What about tomorrow?”
“Thursdays, Tiff has this little group meeting at my house. Would you like to come?”
“What kind of meeting?”
“Indy, me, Amara, Alessa, and Giulia… Stone too if she’s not on shift. We all get together and talk.”
“About what you’ve been through?”
“Sometimes it’s that. Sometimes it’s just, you know, us hanging out. It’d be really great if you could come. Talking about it with someone is better than bottling it up and not expressing it.”
I knew she was right.
Worrying my lip with my teeth, I whispered, “What time and can I have your address again?”