Chapter 19
Nineteen
Sally met him at the door. “You’re out early today, Jack. Are you all right?”
Nodding, he wiped the sweat off his face.
“Is everything okay with the girls?”
“Yeah, they’re on the cruise with Clare’s mother.”
“Oh, good. Anna was here before they left, and she was excited about the trip.” Sally led him into the kitchen where she had brewed a fresh pot of coffee. She poured him a cup and studied him. “You want to talk about it?”
Surprised that she’d seen right through him, he looked down at his coffee. “I was packing up some things last night, some things of Clare’s. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I don’t know what I was expecting, but…”
“I’m sure it was very difficult for you, Jack. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you’ve probably taken another step in your recovery. One of the key stages of grief is acceptance.”
“Is that what I’m doing? Accepting all this?” He gestured angrily at the condo.
“I don’t know. Are you?”
“Well, my girlfriend and her son are moving here from Chicago to live with me, so I guess I am.” When he saw that he’d failed to shock the older woman, he set down the mug, feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry.”
“You must love her very much to make that kind of commitment to her.”
“I do,” he whispered, all the fight draining out of him. He sat down hard on one of the kitchen chairs, and held his head between his hands.
Sally sat next to him.
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I’m thrilled to have Andi and Eric coming.”
Sally squeezed his shoulder. “Please don’t apologize to me. I’m glad I was here when you needed a friendly ear.”
“Clare and I were married twenty years ago today.”
“It’s all piling up on you, isn’t it?” She paused. “Want my take?”
He nodded. “Please.”
“You’re about to take a big step forward with Andi by making room for her in your home and your heart. You’re leaving Clare behind—much more so than you have already.”
“I never wanted to leave Clare behind.”
“I know.” She rested a hand on top of his. “But it’s probably time, don’t you think?”
“I guess so. I’m sorry to show up here in this condition.”
“I told you not to apologize to me,” she said in her stern mother’s voice.
He gave her a weak smile as he got up. “I’d like to spend some time with Clare, if that’s all right.”
“Of course. Take your time.”
He went into Clare’s room and sat in the chair next to her bed, thinking about the stack of cards she’d saved and wondering once again what could’ve happened to drive her away from him in the months before the accident.
As he stared at the diminished woman in the hospital bed, hundreds of memories from twenty years flooded him, culminating with her standing in front of a speeding car.
He still couldn’t believe the Clare he’d known and loved would do such a thing, and even after all this time he couldn’t accept that she’d done it on purpose.
“I like to think you can hear me,” he whispered.
Rising, he bent over the bedrail to press a kiss to her forehead.
“Twenty years ago today was one of the best days of my life. Happy anniversary, Clare. I love you.” Overcome by a flood of happier memories, he stood by her bed for a long time, brushing his fingers through her hair, before he turned to leave the room.
On the way out, he thanked Sally again.
“I hope it all works out for you and your Andi,” she said as she saw him out the door.
He reached out to squeeze her hand. “Thanks.”
The refrain from the song he had listened to earlier ran through his head during the short jog home, reminding him that, despite the painful loss, he had every reason to be thankful for the life he had now.
Between the awful scene with her mother and the odd conversation with Jack, Andi had tossed and turned all night.
At four in the morning, she finally got up, knowing it was pointless to try to sleep until she was sure he was okay.
She’d never heard him sound that way before, and she knew something was very wrong.
By seven she couldn’t wait another minute to talk to him but got the answering machine at home and voice mail on his cell phone. His voice on the message made her yearn for him while she waited to hear from him.
She was thinking about calling the airlines by the time he rang her cell phone at nine. “Jack? Are you all right? I’ve been so worried.”
“I’m sorry, hon.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I, um, I cleaned out Clare’s stuff last night. It was a lot harder than I’d expected it to be. I’m sorry you were worried.”
Andi ached for him. “You did that all by yourself? Why didn’t you wait to let someone help you?”
“I wanted to get it done, and it seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said with a wry chuckle.
“I’m so sorry it was tough for you.” She swallowed hard. “Do you want to put our plans on hold for a while to give yourself some more time?”
“I don’t want more time, Andi,” he said with a desperate edge to his voice. “I want you here. I need you here.”
“If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure. Nothing’s changed. So how did it go with your mother?”
“Just as I thought it would,” she said with a sigh. “She’s ‘very disappointed’ in both of us.”
“I’d hoped she’d be more supportive of you.”
“It was more or less what I expected, but it did hurt a little.”
“I’m sorry, hon. I wish you were already here.”
“Me, too. Are you lonely in that big house by yourself?”
“Kind of. It’s way too quiet.”
“I can imagine. Where are you now?”
“On my way to the office.”
“Will you be okay?”
“I’m better now that I’ve talked to you. I’m sorry you were worried.”
“I love you, Jack. You know I’m here if you need me, right?”
“I know. I love you, too. Have a good day. I’ll call you tonight.”
“Talk to you then.” She hung up but still felt anxious. Something wasn’t right. She thought about it for a few minutes and then picked up the phone again.
As Jack opened a beer and put a frozen pizza in the oven, the doorbell rang, startling him. He wondered who was there at that hour.
He opened the front door and was stunned to find Andi on his doorstep. Her long dark hair was in a ponytail and she wore jeans with a black leather jacket. He’d never been so happy to see her. “What’re you doing here?”
“You were lonely,” she said with a casual shrug. “You gonna let me in?”
He stepped aside. “Of course.”
She dropped her bag in the front hall and reached up to brush the hair back from his brow, the loving gesture so familiar that he nearly swooned with need as she drew him into her arms.
“How’d you know I needed you?” He rested his forehead on her shoulder and breathed in the scent he would recognize anywhere.
“The same way you knew I needed you when Eric was sick.”
He lifted his head to find her eyes. “How’d you get here?”
“The slowest cab in all of Rhode Island. What’s burning?”
“Shit!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her along with him to the kitchen where he retrieved the pizza just before it turned black. “Hungry?”
“That’s what you’re eating?” She took in his old T-shirt and ratty sweats. “The situation’s worse than I thought.”
He smiled and shrugged. “It was here, and it looked good.”
“Don’t let me stand between you and your fine cuisine.”
“Want some?”
“I’ll pass.” She opened a bottle of wine and poured a glass as he ate the whole pizza. “That’s really gross.”
“I ran six miles today,” he said as he finished the pizza and drained his bottle of beer.
She got him another beer, opened it for him, and joined him at the table. “What’s wrong, Jack?”
He took her hand and kissed it. “Nothing now.”
“What was wrong earlier, then?”
Standing to put his plate in the sink, he took a sip of his beer and turned back to her. “Let’s go in by the fire.”
The temperature outside had dipped well below freezing, and the fire cast some welcome extra heat upon the family room as they sat together on the sofa.
Waiting to hear what he had to say, Andi fought back panic.
She realized she’d never seen him so disheveled or so undone.
Whatever had happened the night before had clearly shaken him.
His dark hair stood on end, as if he’d been running his fingers through it all day, and his face was scruffy with whiskers.
It was the despondency she saw in his eyes, however, that was the most disconcerting.
Loving him so much she ached with it, she had no idea what she’d do if he’d changed his mind about them.
“I can’t believe you came all this way.” He twirled a curl around his finger. “Where’s Eric?”
“My mom was happy to watch him. Her time with him will be limited, so she was glad to have him to herself for a little while.”
“Just a little while?”
“As long as you need me.”
“You’d better get comfortable.”
“Are you going to talk to me?”
“I am talking to you.”
She raised an eyebrow.
He released a jagged deep breath. “I found some things of Clare’s, stuff I never knew she kept, old cards and letters… It just, I don’t know…it hurt,” he whispered.
She held her arms out to him.
“It was a pile of paper, but it brought it all back again,” he said, resting against her.
She tightened her hold on him. “And you were all alone.”
“I’m glad I was. I don’t want the girls to see me like that anymore.”
Choking back the fear that lodged in her throat, Andi closed her eyes and breathed in his familiar scent. “It was pretty bad?”
He nodded.
She ran her fingers through his thick dark hair.
When he looked up at her, the shattered look in his eyes brought tears to hers.
“It scares the hell out of me to think there may be other things around here that could set it off. I can’t promise it won’t happen again.”
“You don’t have to.” She guided his head back to where it had been resting against her chest and continued to caress his hair as a tear rolled down her cheek. “If it happens again, I’ll be right here with you, and we’ll get through it together.”
“I’m so tired, Andi.”