Chapter 4
Four
Jeremy froze and the water beat down on him. Blinking furiously as the shampoo slid into his eyes, he ducked back under the shower.
Juliana needed only that one frozen moment to confirm that she had stumbled upon what—or rather who—had been distracting him lately. A wave of nausea choked her as she walked out of the bathroom to find some clothes.
Knotting a towel around his waist, he came out a moment later still dripping. “It’s not what you think.”
She pushed past him, slammed the bathroom door, and locked it. After she scrubbed all traces of him from her body in the shower, she got dressed, her hands shaking as she fought the urge to scream.
Dressed and waiting for her when she came out, Jeremy crossed the room to her. “Let me explain.”
She couldn’t even look at him.
“It’s nothing. She’s just a friend.”
“You’re lying,” she said in a small voice. “I saw it on your face.”
He took hold of her hand. “Let’s take a walk.”
She pulled her hand free of his grip. “Don’t touch me.”
“Juliana, please. Take a walk with me. Let me explain.”
Since she didn’t know what else to do, she slid on flip-flops to follow him outside.
Accompanied by the roar of the pounding surf, they walked down a long boardwalk to the beach.
Juliana continued to fight the need to shriek.
This could not be happening. Not Jeremy.
Not my Jeremy. He wouldn’t do this. Would he?
He walked along the water’s edge with his head down. Finally, he looked over at her. “You know I love you, babe. I love you more than anything. I always have.”
Juliana didn’t trust herself not to scream, so she said nothing.
“I’ve missed you so much since I’ve been here. It’s like my whole world is out of sync because I don’t have you with me. I had no idea how essential you are to me until you weren’t there every day.”
“So you decided to replace me?”
“Oh God, replace you? There’s no replacing you. You’re everything.” He paused, looking pained. “But that’s kind of the problem.”
She stopped walking. “What are you talking about?”
“I want us to get married when I get home.”
“What? After all these years you can’t just blurt that out when there’s clearly something else going on.”
He took her hands and gazed into her eyes. “I love you. You’re my family, Jule. I want to marry you and have babies with you. I want the forever we were always meant to have.”
Her breath caught on a sob. How long have I waited to hear that? “So what’s the catch? If you want all that with me, who’s this Sherrie person?”
He sighed. “She’s just this girl who hangs out with us. She’s nothing.”
“Then why is she calling you when you’re with me?”
His handsome face clouded with annoyance. “That’s a very good question.”
Juliana pulled her hands free and walked away.
He caught up to her. “Jule? I meant it. I’m not prepared to ask you properly this weekend, but I want to. Soon.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“If your ‘nothing’ friend Sherrie hadn’t called this morning, would we be having this discussion about marriage and babies and forever right now?”
He looked stricken.
“I don’t buy it, Jer. Where’s this been? You’ve had the chance to say all this for years, but you never did. My friends have been telling me forever that I needed to give you an ultimatum, but I never saw the need. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been a total fool.”
“In ten years there’s been no one but you. You know I haven’t so much as looked at another woman.”
“Until now?”
“That’s all I’ve done, Jule, is look.”
For some reason she believed him, but suddenly she felt cold all over. “You want to do more than look, don’t you?” she asked, her voice so soft it was almost lost in the roar of the ocean.
A tortured look crossed his face. “God, how can I say this?”
“Just say it! I can’t stand this!”
“I’ve never been with anyone else. Since I was seventeen, there’s only ever been you. I remember so vividly the day I met you. I took one look at you, and I was a goner. We should be married by now, Jule. I know that. It’s just sometimes I wonder what it would be like to, you know—”
Her heart shattered into pieces. “To be with someone else.”
His eyes glistened with tears. “I love you. In my whole life I’ll never love anyone but you.”
“But I’m not enough for you,” she said, choking on a sob. Had anything ever hurt this much?
“That’s not true! How can you say that after the way we just made love? It’s not about you being enough for me.”
She wiped the tears from her face. “Then what?”
“I’m afraid if I don’t get some shit out of my system now I won’t be faithful when we’re married.”
If he had punched her in the stomach he couldn’t have hurt her more. Her knees buckled, and she dropped to the sand as sobs overtook her. He couldn’t be saying these things. This was not happening.
He knelt down next to her and took her in his arms.
She didn’t have the strength to push him away.
“Jule.” He kissed her forehead and then her cheek. “Please. Don’t do this. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“What did you think would happen? That I’d just say, ‘Have at it, Jer? Sow your wild oats, and give me a call when you’re done?’”
“Don’t you ever wonder how it would be with someone else?”
“No!” She pushed him away. “No! No! No!”
He seemed taken aback by her vehemence.
“You’ve always been enough for me. It would never occur to me to wonder about other men.”
“Never?”
“Never.”
He buried his face in his hands. “Fuck.” His hands muffled his voice.
“You said it.”
“Look, let’s just forget all this, please? I’m a stupid ass. That girl means nothing to me. I swear to God.”
“I can’t just forget this, Jeremy!” She knew she sounded hysterical but didn’t care. “How can I live with knowing you want to be with someone else?”
“Because I’m telling you I won’t do anything about it.”
“So I’m supposed to go home and wonder what you’re up to down here? I don’t think so.”
“I thought you trusted me!”
“I didn’t know I couldn’t!”
“This is so fucked up! I’ve been faithful to you forever! I admit to having thoughts—and that’s all they were—thoughts—about someone else, and you act like I’ve been fucking my way through Florida or something!”
She whimpered.
He sighed and put his arms around her. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so sorry. This whole situation sucks. None of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t taken this goddamned job down here. If I’d known it would cause all this trouble for us I wouldn’t have done it. The extra money’s not worth it.”
She rested against him because she didn’t know what else to do.
He had been her world, her life, for so long that the idea of living without him was unimaginable.
But how could she live with what he had said?
Would she always wonder if he was thinking of someone else?
Would he come to resent her because they met too soon? Did he already resent her for that?
“Hey,” he said after a long period of silence. “Why don’t we get something to eat? You’ll feel better when you eat.”
She got up to go with him, but she knew nothing would make her feel better.