Chapter 4
Four
Neisy
THEN
The last few weeks have been bad. I can barely get out of bed. I got fired from my job at the restaurant my mom’s cousin owns because I missed too many shifts. For the first time ever, I’m thankful to have an alcoholic mother who’s so self-absorbed she barely notices me.
However, my dad is due home later today, and he’ll see what my mom has missed. He and I have always shared a tight connection, and even though I’ve answered all his daily texts while he was away, he’ll take one look at me and know something is very wrong.
Part of me hopes he can tell that a terrible thing has happened.
The other part dreads him knowing.
What will I say to him when he demands to know what’s wrong?
He’s well aware that life has been hard for me here and it was probably a mistake to let my mom talk him into moving me to her hometown for my last two years of high school while he’s stationed in DC. My mother hated it there like I hate it here.
I miss the friends I had in Virginia, who I’m still in touch with and hope to join in college at the University of Virginia after one more very long year in Rhode Island.
I yearn for Kane, who’s deeply concerned about me. Even with an ocean between us, he can tell I’m not myself and keeps asking what’s wrong. Last night he asked by text if I’ve met someone else and am afraid to tell him.
No! I replied. Just the same old shit with this place. It’s definitely not you. You’re the one bright spot in my whole life.
I wish you didn’t have to stay there. Why can’t you go back to DC with your dad and go to your old school?
Because he’s too busy to keep tabs on a teenager, or so he says. He works like 12 hours a day.
Still, you’d be better off there than where you are.
Not going to happen. I lost that battle a year ago when they insisted on moving here.
They’d had concerns about the “fast” crowd I was running with in Virginia. I tried to tell them they were wrong about my friends, that we were average teenagers. They didn’t buy it. When my dad sided with my mom over the move to RI, I didn’t speak to him for a month.
I could tell that really upset him, but not enough to change his mind.
If he ever knew what’d happened with Ryder, he’d lose his mind.
He can’t ever know.
In anticipation of his arrival at some point today, I force myself out of bed and into the shower.
For the first time in weeks, I work on my appearance by blow-drying my hair and putting on a bit of makeup to hide the dark circles under my eyes.
I stare at the reflection in the mirror, as if I’m looking at a stranger.
Who is that girl after what happened to her?
The injustice burns in my gut. I’m devastated, and he’s off living his golden life like nothing has changed.
I saw on Facebook that he hosted his annual fundraiser for Louisa’s family, which attracted a massive crowd and raised close to one hundred thousand dollars.
He posted photos of himself smiling widely, his arm around his beautiful, frail girlfriend as their parents stood on either side of them.
His hypocrisy makes me sick.
Did he decide to attack me because she’s not able to have sex with him? Did he pick me because he knows people hate me, and I wouldn’t dare speak out against him?
Kane and I had been waiting to have sex until he comes to visit next month, which is another thing Ryder took from me—my first time with someone I truly love. Now I can’t imagine doing that with Kane or anyone.
Ever.
What used to be something I looked forward to with anticipation and a tiny bit of fear is now something to be avoided at all costs.
I want Ryder to pay for what he took from me.
I’m angry, hurt and terrified he might’ve gotten me pregnant. My period is due in two days, and if it doesn’t show up on time, I don’t know what I’ll do.
A couple of hours later, I’m pretending to read a book while lying on top of my bed, which is made for the first time in weeks, when my dad appears in the doorway.
“There’s my baby girl.”
“Hey, Dad.” I get up to greet him with a hug. He’s tall, dark and handsome, which is how my mother always describes him.
The minute I catch a hint of his familiar scent as he hugs me I want to break down and tell him the whole sordid story.
But I can’t.
I just can’t.
“How’s my favorite daughter?”
“Still your only daughter, that I know of.”
The back and forth with him is one of the best things in my life.
His smile fades a bit. “How’s your mom been?”
“A little worse than usual.”
“How’s that possible?”
“I’m not sure.”
He runs his fingers through his hair, which he does whenever he’s annoyed or frustrated. I’m sure he’s both when it comes to her. “I have to get her into a program somewhere.”
“There’s no point in that until she’s ready for it.”
We’ve done the research. A year ago, we had a local facility ready to take her for three weeks of intensive in-patient treatment, but she refused to go. We found out we couldn’t make her go. She has rights.
What about our rights, my dad asked at the time.
“Ronnie called the other day.”
My stomach sinks. “He called you?”
Ronnie is my mother’s first cousin. He owns the restaurant where I used to work.
“He was worried about you when you stopped coming to work.” He leans against the doorframe. “Your mom wasn’t answering his calls, and you were vague about what’s going on. You didn’t tell me you quit your job. I thought you liked it there.”
“I do. I mean I did.”
“What happened?”
“I wasn’t feeling well for a couple of days, and Ronnie got mad when I called out.”
“He said you never called out. You just didn’t show, which isn’t like you either.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I didn’t think Ronnie would reach out to him.
“I’ve been a little down the last few weeks.”
Hearing that, he straightens out of the slouch he was in. “Like before?”
“Maybe. A little.”
I had a depressive episode, as it was called at the time, in seventh grade. After more than a year of intensive counseling and medication that I still take, I started to feel like myself again.
“We have to get that checked. You might need a different dosage now that you’re older. I’ll make an appointment for you at the navy clinic.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“You should’ve told me about this, Neise.”
“I didn’t want you to worry when you’re so busy.”
“I’m never too busy for you, and you know that.” He gives me a more intent look. “Are things any better with the kids in town?”
“Eh,” I tell him. “It is what it is.”
“I’m sorry this move has turned into such a mess for you, sweetheart. I hate that.”
Oh, Daddy, you have no idea… “It’s okay.” I want to plead with him to take me back to DC with him, but he won’t. Most of the time, he splits the month between the two places and would never leave me there alone when he has to be here. “It’s only one more year. I can get through that.”
Can I, though? How will I ever go back to Hope High School and have to see him in the hallways, acting as though nothing happened? For him, nothing did. For me, everything has changed, and he did that to me.
“Neise? Where’d you go?”
“Nowhere.”
“I’m worried about you, sweetheart.”
“No reason to be.”
“Let me go make that appointment so we can get you feeling better.”
“Okay.”
Two days later, my dad drives me to the navy clinic. I tried to talk him out of coming, but he insisted on driving me and said we can go to lunch afterward.
I realize he took time off for this and appreciate the attention, even if I’m scared I’ll crumble in front of him and confess the whole story.
I want to.
I want to tell him.
I want to watch him go ballistic and make Ryder’s charmed life into the living hell that mine has become.
Because that’s what he’d do.
But then he’d have to hear how all the girls at school think I’m a slut simply because their boyfriends find me attractive. He’d learn how they say I screwed the varsity football team and have my gaze set on the basketball team next or whatever crazy bullshit they come up with.
The irony isn’t lost on me. I was a virgin until Ryder stole that from me, but thanks to those viperous bitches, no one would believe that.
“Do you want me to come in with you, sweetie?” Dad asks when we’re in the waiting room.
“No, that’s okay. I’m sure it won’t take long.”
“Make sure you tell her how instrumental the meds were in making you feel better the first time this happened.”
“I will.”
“Okay. Text me if you need me.”
“Denise?”
No one calls me that, so it’s weird when someone does. I get up to follow the young, male medic into the clinic.
Thankfully, he leaves the door open when he weighs me and takes my blood pressure, otherwise, I would’ve told him to open it. I notice his gaze is trained on my breasts as he takes my pulse.
I’m tempted to tell him that my dad, the navy captain, would end him and his career if he saw him looking at me that way.
That’s a thought I never would’ve had before Ryder raped me. I used to low-key enjoy the attention I got from boys and men. That was before I found out what they’re capable of. Now I don’t want any of them looking at me or imagining me naked or any of the other vile things they might be thinking.
“Dr. Cummings will be in shortly,” he says on his way out the door.
I exhale a sigh of relief that he’s gone and pray that Dr. Cummings is a woman. Military doctors cycle in and out of the clinic, so you never know who you might see.
I don’t want men anywhere near me, even in a place like this, which is supposed to be safe.
Is anywhere safe?
Dr. Cummings is short, blonde and very pregnant. She wears her khaki uniform shirt untucked over her round belly. I glance at the gold insignia on her collar. Lieutenant commander. My dad would be proud. I knew all the ranks by the time I was six.
“Hi there, Denise. I’m Dr. Cummings.” She goes to the sink to wash her hands. “How are you doing?”
“Fine.”
She uses paper towels to dry her hands and then sits on a stool. “What brings you in today?”
“I’ve been feeling a little low lately.”