Chapter 7 #2
When I reached Bren’s place, which was where I’d been spending most of my days in between dropping off and picking up Zara, he was ready to show me how he’d designed the soundboard on his guitars.
I managed to lose myself in the work for a couple of hours before he asked me how things were going.
By the time I finished explaining everything about the catfish, he was staring at me, stunned.
“I used to think I had it hard going through recovery because I had a wife and three kids to provide for,” Bren said. “I can only imagine how tough it is when you have all this fame pressure added on top of it.”
“I’ve learned how to cope with the fame, but the idea of someone out there using my name and image to con people, it just makes everything feel out of my control.”
“And how are you handling that feeling?”
“I’m reminding myself there’s nothing I can do about it. This person could be anyone, anywhere in the world. If they’re a stranger, then it’s going to be like searching for a needle in a haystack.”
Bren studied me a moment, thinking on what I said before he replied, “When things really are outside of your control, there can be a freedom in that. Like you said, if there’s nothing you can do about it, you just have to accept it.
My mother used to say, if the worst should happen, accept the worst and move on from there. It’s all you can do.”
Bren’s words stayed with me after I left his place to go pick up Zara. He was right; there was a freedom in acceptance, in trying to make the most of a bad situation.
Dixon had switched out his shift with Isla, who now sat outside watching the street.
It was beginning to feel like overkill having a security detail follow me everywhere I went.
Maybe Alison was the catfish’s only victim, and despite the fact that she’d gone out of her way to find me, she wasn’t dangerous.
Luckily, there was no sign of Laura Delamare when I picked Zara up after school before heading over to Elias’ place.
He had a penthouse apartment in a fancy building just outside the city and was always trying to convince me to buy a place in the same area whenever a unit went up for sale.
Before the divorce, Shannon, Zara and I had been living in a rented house because I was constantly travelling back then and buying a place wasn’t even on my radar.
As the years wore on I began to feel the desire for a home but the thought of living somewhere on my own didn’t appeal.
Elias buzzed us up when we arrived. He threw open the door to his apartment and swept Zara into a hug. She was in a particularly good mood because she’d gotten the part she’d auditioned for.
“There’s my favourite girl in the whole wide world,” Elias exclaimed as he hugged her tight.
It was almost comical because with most people he was standoffish, sometimes to the point of being rude, but with my daughter, he turned into a big softie.
Roan sat in the living room, his shoulder length blond hair artfully mussed as he perched a pad on his knee, working on a sketch.
He was the sort of guy who was always moving, always keeping his hands occupied, like if he stopped for a single second, he’d have to contemplate the meaning of existence, and that was just too heavy for his sensitive soul.
Elias brought Zara into the kitchen to help him finish making dinner, so I went to sit next to Roan.
“Hi, Jace,” he greeted but didn’t look up from his sketch.
“Roan,” I said, peering at the sketchpad and finding an outline of the view from Elias’ floor to ceiling windows. “Looks good,” I went on, and Roan finally put down his pencil to peer at me.
“How have you been?”
“As well as can be expected.”
He studied me a moment. “You’re not freaking out about the catfish thing? If it were me, I’d be a nervous wreck.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel so much better,” I deadpanned, and he instantly looked sorry.
I personally thought my dad was crazy suspecting Roan, even if he was besotted with Shannon.
He was too much of an open book. You could read his every thought right there on his face.
I mean, it was why it was so obvious to me that he had feelings for my ex.
The only thing that kept me sane was that the likelihood of Roan ever making a move on Shannon was non-existent.
He had too much loyalty to me and would likely carry his affection to his grave than ever act on it.
It was fucked up that I was relieved by that, even if I did empathise with him.
After all, I knew what it was like to love Shannon and not be able to be with her.
“How has Shannon been taking it?” he asked then, and I was surprised she wasn’t the first person he’d inquired about.
I’d never outright accuse him of having feelings for her because I knew he’d probably never be able to face me again if I did, and I liked him too much to do that.
To be honest, if it didn’t make me irrationally jealous and if I wasn’t still hopelessly in love with her myself, I might’ve encouraged him to pursue her.
Roan was a good bloke with a kind heart, and at least I’d know she’d be with someone who’d treat her well instead of some random dickhead off a dating app.
Fuck, I was still worked up from hearing that ping coming from her phone.
“She’s alright, mostly just concerned about Zara’s safety,” I replied.
“I’m sure she’s worried about you, too,” Roan said. “The way she held your hand the other night at the gallery. She was definitely concerned for you.”
See? This was how good a guy Roan was. He knew I still loved her and that it meant a lot for me to hear someone say Shannon still cared for me, despite harbouring his own feelings.
“She’s a good woman. She’d be concerned for anyone in the same situation.” Why was there suddenly a frog in my throat? The way I subconsciously needed Shannon’s affection was worrying.
“No, I don’t think—”
Before he could finish, Elias and Zara started calling us into the kitchen. “Food’s ready! Get in here!”
“Yeah! Get in here,” Zara echoed before letting out a big guffaw of a laugh. Man, she was such a giddy kid. I loved that about her.
“I hope nobody has plans to kiss anyone tonight because I used a lot of garlic,” Elias said as Roan and I approached the table and saw that the meal consisted of chicken Kiev, mashed potatoes, and greens with a side of garlic bread.
“Not me,” Roan said. “My love life is tumbleweeds right now.”
“What about the manager from the art gallery?” Elias put in. “She’s into you.”
I recalled the tall, pretty brunette from the gallery.
The one I’d purchased Roan’s painting of Shannon from.
Which reminded me, I still had to go collect the piece.
I wasn’t sure if Roan could see the details of who’d purchased which painting, but if he knew I’d bought it, he hadn’t mentioned it.
And that was again why he was such a great guy and definitely shouldn’t be on my dad’s list of catfish suspects.
Roan flushed. “She’s not into me. She’s just a friendly person.”
Elias chuckled. “Sure, bro. I’m glad I’m not as oblivious as you are; otherwise, I’d never get—” He caught himself as he glanced at Zara before finishing, “to spend time with any friendly ladies.”
“Uncle Roan, are you looking for a girlfriend?” Zara asked. I didn’t realise she was paying such close attention to the conversation since she’d been focused on chomping down on her garlic bread. It looked homemade, too. Elias loved to cook.
Roan looked embarrassed. “No, I’m not—”
“Because Mammy’s friend Margie is looking for a boyfriend. I heard her telling Mammy about all the dates she’s been on. Oh, and Lotte doesn’t have a boyfriend either, but I’m not sure if she wants one. She said she prefers her own company.”
“Does your mammy know you’ve been earwigging on her conversations with her friends?” I asked, arching an eyebrow and she had the good grace to look chagrined.
“Eh, I don’t know. Maybe.” Zara cut into her chicken and took a big bite, and I shook my head while grinning.
“And what do Margie and Lotte look like?” Elias asked. I shot him a censoring frown to which he only grinned in return.
“You’ve met Lotte. She’s the quiet girl who works in the National Archive,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, I remember her. She’s h—” Again, he caught himself. “Lovely.”
“And Margie you haven’t met. She’s a bit older than Shannon. Maybe late thirties, works in tech. That’s how she and Shannon met, I think.”
“I don’t mind older,” Elias said with a smirk, and I rolled my eyes. No way was I letting him anywhere near Shannon’s friends. He was notorious for leaving a trail of broken hearts wherever he went, though he’d been keeping a low profile lately.
I cast him a look of warning, and he raised his hands in surrender.
We finished our meal, then hung out for a while.
Elias thought he was being subtle when he brought up the subject of me possibly writing some new songs, but my creative well was dry.
I’d poured so much of myself into recording album after album for eight years straight, and I’d finally gotten to the point of running out of inspiration.
It was fucking scary, to be honest. I was starting to worry I’d never write another song again.
But would that be so bad? I could start my own business like Bren had done, build and repair instruments for other musicians instead of being the one up on stage. Learning about how to build guitars was the first thing that had truly interested me in a long time.
After dinner, we all sat down to watch the original Ghostbusters movie, which was a favourite of Elias, Roan’s, and mine from when we were kids. I loved seeing it through Zara’s eyes. She was so expressive and full of wonder sometimes that it fascinated me.
It was just after eight when we left Elias’ place and headed back to Shannon’s.
The lights were on, and I could hear chatter coming from inside.
Then I remembered Shannon was having her friends over for some club where they drank wine and read famous old letters to one another.
I didn’t exactly see the appeal, but maybe you had to experience it to understand.
I was about to knock when Zara closed her small hand around my elbow.
“Wait, Daddy, we can use my key.” She produced a sparkly pink keychain and slotted it in the lock.
Shannon had one of those older doors where the lock was lower down, so it was easy enough for Zara to reach.
I found it cute that she had her own key, though I guess it was smart if she ever got lost and needed to get back into the house.
She pushed open the door and immediately ran upstairs. Roan had given her a set of paints that she was eager to try out, and though I’d already told her it was too late to open them, she was far too excited to listen.
A feminine giggle sounded from the kitchen, alongside several voices.
Deciding I should let Shannon know Zara was home, perhaps offer to put her to bed, I walked towards the voices.
A man was speaking then, and when I entered the room, I saw it was Shannon’s old college friend, Ozzie.
He was a super friendly, tall, and chubby gay bloke in his late twenties.
I’d always gotten along with him. Lotte, on the other hand, had been a little reserved towards me in the past. I could never tell if she disliked me or if that was just her normal manner.
On the table there were a few opened bottles of wine but they were the non-alcoholic kind.
I recognised the label. Shannon said that she and her friends drank wine during these get togethers.
Had she arranged for them all to drink non-alcoholic wine because she knew I’d be dropping Zara back and didn’t want me walking into a house full of her tipsy friends?
I wasn’t sure if I should be touched or offended.
I mean, I’d never had a problem with alcohol but I was also in a really stable place and didn’t need others tiptoeing around me.
“My angel, my all, my very self. Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours). Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon,” Ozzie said, reading from a tablet open in front of him.
Shannon’s eyes lifted when I stepped into the room, connecting with mine as her friend continued reading, “What a useless waste of time. Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks. Can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine.”
“Jace,” Shannon said, a catch in her voice while the words rang in my ears.
I couldn’t place them yet their sentiment had my chest tightening in a vicelike squeeze.
They expressed something I hadn’t been able to put into words about how I felt for Shannon.
Especially that last line. She had been wholly mine once, but not anymore.
Perhaps never again, and that was the most gut-wrenching part.
I cleared my throat, finally dragging my gaze away from hers. “Zara’s upstairs. Um, we used her key. I hope that’s okay.”
“That’s fine. Did she have a good time with Elias and Roan?”
“Yeah, she had fun. Sorry for interrupting. I’ll get going.”
I gave each of her friends a brief nod of acknowledgment before turning to leave when Ozzie said, “Why don’t you join us?”
The question had me pausing for a beat as my gaze fell on Shannon.
I tried gauging her reaction, but she gave nothing away.
A part of me wanted to stay, but another part didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable.
I arched a subtle eyebrow at her that asked, You okay with this?
She gave the smallest nod in return, though I couldn’t tell if it was a resigned nod or an easy-going one.
In the end, the part that wanted to stick around turned back to Ozzie and replied, “Sure, I’d love to. ”