Chapter Six
Tatiana
Ten years ago…
“Almost Doesn’t Count” by Brandy
I spun around as I felt the breeze caress my face, as we walked closer to the pier. Nazir had been on his phone for most of dinner, and that was normal for us. While he answered messages and calls, I just went along with the flow.
I’ve watched my mother deal with the same things. Except, with Nazir, it was slightly different. Each time he received a call or a text message, he would grab my hand and mouth his apology to me.
My father never apologized.
This trip was special because this was our first trip together. Nazir had surprised me with plane tickets and a hotel for a few days. Whenever he got an extra money, he almost always was ready to spend money on me.
He never cared that I came from money and could do all of those things for myself. Nazir was a man of pride, and he was going to always foot the bill. Our hotel was a few blocks from the beach.
We had eaten at a Mediterranean restaurant or dinner and decided to walk towards the beach.
I could see in his face that he was stressed out with the way he was texting on his phone.
Usually, I remained out of his business and allowed him to do what he felt was necessary.
Tonight, I couldn’t help but to ask what was going on, and who he was texting.
“Hey,” I touched his hand, and he lowered his phone down, staring directly into my eyes. The fear and worry was etched into his brows.
“You had a good time tonight, Tata?”
I knew he was trying to prevent me from asking how he was doing. He didn’t want to burden me with everything he had going on. Nazir was the kind of man that would keep everything bottled up and handle it on his own. He would never burden me with his problems, and I hated that.
A relationship was a give and pull thing. We should have been able to come to each other about our problems. I came to him whenever me and my father got into arguments. He was always there for me, and all I wanted was to be there for him.
“Dinner was delicious and anytime I get spend time with you is always a good time. I’m not talking about dinner, Nazir.”
He looked out towards the ocean, as the sun was slowly setting in the background. Both the sunset and the ocean were competing, which made for a picturesque moment. As much as I wanted to pull my phone out and snap a few pictures, I was more concerned about my boyfriend.
“I got a lot going on right now, baby, the reason I wanted to take you away… wanted to spend some time with you.”
I hugged him, while staring up at him. “I understand that, but you haven’t been present… Naz, you have been everywhere but in this moment with me.”
He bent down and kissed my lips. “And I apologize for that.”
There was this look that I couldn’t put my finger on. A sadness that consumed him when he stared down into my eyes. As if there was something he wanted to tell me, and he couldn’t find the right words to convey the message.
“I want you to let me in. You tell me that I’m going to be your wife one day. Why keep things from me?”
His phone buzzed again, this time he ignored it.
“There’s a lot of shit that I cannot talk to you about. This part of my life isn’t up for debate, Tata. I want you to be my wife one day, but who knows if that will happen.”
I ripped away from him and stared at him, tears threatening to fall because I couldn’t picture a future without him.
I refused to have one without him.
Nazir was my comfort and the person who made me feel good about life. My life before him had been on autoplay and I was just living through it. When he entered my life, he showed me the other side of life.
A side that didn’t consist of posh neighborhoods, jets, and expensive restaurants.
Nazir showed me how the other side lived, and that everything wasn’t always about money.
He allowed me to see that I had lived in a bubble my entire life, and life had much more to give than living life like the Rich’s.
He didn’t treat me like Malcolm Rich’s daughter like everyone else did. Nazir didn’t care that I had a beautiful condominium or wore designer garb and knew which fork was used for a salad at dinner. All he cared about is if I was truly down for him like I had been for him.
“What the fuck do you mean who knows if that will happen?”
He tried to pull me back, but I stayed back because he had me messed up. Why were we wasting all this time if he didn’t see us being together? He was allowed to be hesitant about things, but to actually hear it from his mouth irritated me.
“You already know how your father feels? Why you acting like this is shocking news to you. Tatiana, your father don’t want you with a nigga like me.”
He wasn’t wrong. My father wanted me to marry a man from Greenpointe that was exactly like him. He wanted my future husband to come from a well to do family, so that our family remained connected to money.
All Malcolm Rich cared about was money. He would never approve of me and Nazir’s relationship which is why I kept things private.
I would have thought he would have been accepting being that Nazir came from humble beginnings like he did.
My father loved to remind me that he had to claw his way up the ladder of success because he was raised poor.
He almost always forgot about that humble lifestyle speech whenever he was around his rich friends. None of that mattered, as he tried to fit in like he had always belonged within their circle.
“What did I tell you, Nazir?”
“Not trying to be the reason you fall out with your family, Tata.”
“My family is already broken, Nazir. My mother and father’s marriage is nonexistent, we don’t take family vacations, and I barely visit home. My father would for sure cut me off, but I know my mother… she wouldn’t cut me off and that’s all I care about.”
“Your mouth says that now.”
“Why the fuck do you always try and tell me how I feel? I know exactly what I’m doing, Nazir, I’m not a stupid child.”
We hardly got into arguments, however, whenever we did, he was always so calm and reserved while I was the lunatic. Like now, we were standing on this boardwalk while my hands were flailing in the air, and he was staring down at me. To someone walking past, I looked like a lunatic.
Resentment doesn’t have a timeline. Right now, it seems cool to hate your father because he won’t allow you to have your way.
Years later when he’s on his death bed, and you’re staring at him in his last moments, Tata, you won’t think of anything except the time you could have spent with him.
You’ll think of me, the reason that you stepped away from him. Baby, I don’t want that for you.”
I turned and walked away because the tears were burning my eyes. Nazir always had to make sense, even when I wanted to be irrational. As much as I didn’t want to accept what he was saying, he wasn’t completely wrong.
Me and my father didn’t have the best relationship, but he was my father. There would come a time when I had to sit with my decisions and would I ate Nazir for them? Resent him because of decisions that I made?
With my arms folded I walked down the boardwalk, no longer concerned with the beach. I felt his hands wrap around me, and pull me towards him as I was mid-step.
“Let me talk to you real quick, Tata.” His was gentle as he continued to pull me towards him, and I allowed him.
He slowly turned me around so I could look at him. The thing about Nazir was that he was so tall all I was staring at her was his chest. Lifting my chin up, he peered down into my eyes.
“Not everyone wants us together, baby. I need you to understand that. If someway we end up apart, I need you to know that I would rather die before ever leaving you… okay?”
“What are you not telling me?” I finally peered deeper into his eyes.
Finally seeing the look of worry, concern and regret. The regret was lingering in his eyes, like it hadn’t happened yet, but he was already regretting it.
“I’m telling you the truth. I love you, Tata. I love you enough to tell you that.”
A tear fell down my face, and he quickly wiped it away. “We don’t need to worry about the future… let’s worry about now.”
“The future is important though. I want to be with you forever, Nazir… not just for now.”
He kissed my lips a few times, holding the side of my face. “And I want the same thing. A nigga didn’t spend all this money for us to be bickering.”
I giggled because this vacation wasn’t supposed to be about arguing. We needed to focus on us, and leave whatever we couldn’t control away.
“I know and I’m sorry… can we start over.”
“Don’t ever apologize to me for you feelings, Tata… I love you, baby. Never question that, okay?”
“Okay.”