Chapter Fourteen #3
Nazir slid into the booth across from me, stretching his arm along the backrest as if he owned the whole restaurant.
Comfortable.
Confident.
Far from the man who used to order water and let me get whatever I wanted. His aura had always been the same, and his confidence was always there. The money never was, and that’s where his insecurity came in.
The silence surrounded us, and I found myself humming the words to an old-school song. I busied myself with the menu, pretending to read like I didn’t notice his gaze burning a hole in the back of it. I knew the minute I put the menu down, his eyes would be ready to pierce beyond my soul.
When the waitress came, he ordered for both of us without asking me what I wanted.
There was no need to ask or complain about him ordering my food.
It was something he did. He knew me so well that he always ordered my favorite foods, and I never complained.
This time, I was slightly nervous because just like things had changed for him over the years, they had changed for me, as well.
I hated how impressed and excited I was just from something as simple as ordering my food.
The lump crawled up my throat just from him paying attention and doing what he had always done.
The problem wasn’t what he had always done, but what he had done.
He never ran, and that was exactly what he did when it came to us.
When she set our drinks down, he finally spoke. “You look good, Tata.”
That name.
It felt like heaven opened, and the angels were singing to me. I guess, in a way, it had always felt like that to me. It always felt like heaven because Nazir was that to me. I worshipped him like a god.
A leader.
And he let me down.
I quickly took a sip of my lychee martini and gathered the courage to look across the table into his eyes.
“It’s just dinner. You don’t need to compliment me all night like we’re on a date.”
My eyes scanned the restaurant, desperate to see anything but his gaze.
“Don’t do that.”
I sipped my drink again. “Do what?”
He picked up his bourbon slowly, lifting the glass to his thick lips and taking a sip, never wincing because we both knew bourbon puts hair on your chest––especially the specified-aged bourbon he requested.
“Pretend that this doesn’t mean something to you.”
Pressing my lips together and setting my glass back down, I fixed the end of the table curtain, desperate for anything to distract me.
“I don’t have to pretend, Nazir. This is a dinner…a business dinner with my security.”
“Damn.”
The words hit harder than I wanted them to. Before I could try to fix things, the food arrived at the table. The heat from the plates created a barrier between us while the chef sliced and salted the Kobe A5 Wagyu ribeye in front of us.
Before he left, he thanked us for dining at the restaurant tonight and explained the way he cooked the steak.
Apparently, whenever someone ordered this particular cut of beef, the chef would come out to properly slice and salt it for you.
Everything was family-style, so we shared the side dishes.
Nothing was to be touched by us because once the chef excused himself, two other staff member came to properly plate our food.
As they served us, Nazir leaned back with his arm still draped around the booth, and his drink in his other hand. He nodded to signal what he did or did not want.
When they were gone, I bowed my head to say grace and then cut into the steak. I’ve had my fair share of Wagyu, but the way this one was cooked should have been illegal. It was butter-soft and melted in my mouth as I chewed.
“So, have you ever been here before?”
He finally leaned forward, shrugging his shoulder. “A few times. Nothing like this, though.”
I continued to busy myself with my food. “Like what? This restaurant? It’s certainly an experience.”
“I’ve been here before.”
My eyes finally found their way to his.
“Like sitting across from you…someone I lost. In this seat, staring at how beautiful you look tonight, it’s even more confirmation that I still want us more than I want to breathe, Tata.”
That damn lump reappeared, and my vision slightly blurred. Not because of tears, but because this was something I had envisioned for years. What would a dinner with Nazir Kane look like?
It was easier to pretend I didn’t feel anything.
It was especially hard to pretend when Nazir was so damn honest. He allowed me a second to overthink––or try to put the pieces together––because he wanted me to know how he felt.
His honesty had always been a turn-on for me.
I hated myself for craving his honesty like oxygen.
Shaking off the feelings that kept creeping up my spine like a chill, I picked up my drink again and took a sip.
“You don’t get to sit here and say that.”
He leaned forward, his forearm muscles flexing against the edge of the table. “Why not?”
“It’s been years, Nazir. We’re not those people anymore or in that place. We’ve both moved on.”
As much as I was turned on by his honesty, it had me taken aback. Although what I had said was true, I didn’t expect him to agree.
“You’re right. We’re not. But everything I have felt for you, Tata…that shit didn’t just die because my stupid ass decided to leave.”
I slowly looked up into his eyes, too nervous to use my drink as a distraction. It was like I was seeing him for the first time––really looking into his eyes and seeing past my own hurt that I felt every time he stared at me.
The same man who loved me before he knew how to extend that same love to himself. The man who was trying to be everything that I needed him to be. A man who couldn’t let me down, so he decided it would be better for him to leave than see the pain he would cause.
My fork slipped from my hands, making a loud clattering sound through the quiet restaurant. The low music did little to hide the sound of my plate and fork clashing against each other.
He leaned back into the booth, eyeing me down with that same gaze that always made me feel like I was standing in front of him naked.
“Finish your food,” he finally said. “I’ll walk you back to the room.”
The waitress came over to check on us, and I ordered another drink.
She was quick and had that drink back to me in less than five minutes.
I kept requesting drinks while eating my food.
Nazir continued to watch me, like only he could, while slowly eating his.
The first drink was strong, and I felt a little tipsy.
The second and third drinks sealed the deal.
They told me I was going past my limit, but I ignored it.
I needed several drinks to sit across from this man.
When the check came, she placed it toward the center of the table and started using that infamous little scraper to clean every last crumb from the surface. Stupidly, I reached for it, and the daggers he sent were enough to make me put my hand back under the table.
“Tata, don’t ruin dinner. Alright?”
“How would I ruin dinner?”
Hearing the slight slur of my words, I thought it would be a good idea for me to shut the fuck up.
He put his credit card into the black leather folio and handed it back to her.
“Why the fuck would I make reservations here for you and expect you to pay? I know you got it, and that shit is sexy to me…always been sexy. You’ve always been kept a certain way, and with me, it’s no different. I know that wasn’t the case in the past.”
Just then, someone came from the back. He must have been very important because other diners were discreetly pointing as he made his way toward our table. He smiled, introduced himself to me, then held his hand out, and he and Nazir embraced.
“Give me a few minutes, Tata.”
I took a long sip of my drink. “Take your time. I know how to get back to my room.”
He looked at me, giving me those eyes that told me to stop playing with him. I watched as he swaggered away, leaving his phone and wallet on the table.
I couldn’t understand why my heart and mind were at war. My heart kept reminding me that this man couldn’t be trusted with my heart again. He had shattered us, and although we were able to pick up the pieces, some were still missing.
The pieces that were missing, I believed he held them.
My mind was telling me that this was Nazir. The man I could trust with anything and who had never let me down. If he disappointed me, there was a reason. He wouldn’t have intentionally hurt me. The part that scared me more than my heart and mind at war was the fact that I wanted to trust him again.
After he finished his conversation, he helped me up, and just like when we first arrived, he placed his hand on the small of my back as we made our way out of the restaurant. We didn’t even make it to the restaurant’s lobby before the liquor started telling me to get slick out the mouth.
Maybe it wasn’t the liquor, but years of pent-up anger. So much had gone unsaid for so damn long. With drinks involved, it was inevitable that something was going to slip. The calm exterior I had perfected over the years would slip, and I would come undone right before his eyes.
“How was dinner, Tata? You want something else?” he asked, his hand still on the small of my back, his cologne lingering.
“Yeah, I would have wanted you not to leave, but you did that already,” I mumbled as I picked up my pace.
Despite increasing my pace, my four steps were one step for Nazir.
“Never said that.”
His calm, nonchalant attitude infuriated me.
I don’t know why, because that had always been him.
In a room full of men puffing out their chests and acting arrogant, there was Nazir––in the corner with a drink, quietly observing his surroundings.
Even though he wasn’t the loudest in the room, his presence was commanding.
Sexy.
Kept you drawn to him.
Like now, I was furious with him. Yet, I wanted to tear his clothes off and have him right here. I craved his touch, his lips on every part of my body.
“You never have to say anything, Nazir. Calm Naz…always breaking hearts but keeping it cool, right?” I flapped my arms, forgetting I was holding my clutch.
It flew across the small courtyard that separated the restaurant from our hotel. He went over to where my bag had landed and picked it up, holding it for me.
“You had too much to drink, baby.”
“Baby?” I said in disbelief. “You look at me like that, take me out to dinner like I’m supposed to forget everything. How you left me and didn’t care. How am I supposed to act like everything is normal when you ripped my whole world apart, Nazir?”
A couple walked by giggling in the distance. The woman looked at her man in a way that I once looked at Nazir–so in love and sure of who I was giving my heart to.
“Girl, if you know like I know…run from that nigga!” I hollered, and Nazir came over and pulled me toward the hotel.
“Yo, you need to chill,” he said, with a hint of amusement in his tone.
His body was pressed against mine as he guided me through the revolving doors, making sure we remained close as it turned to bring us inside the hotel.
“What are you doing? Why are you stopping me? I need to warn her of the mistakes that will haunt her years later when she’s staring into her little girl’s eyes, knowing she lied to her.”
“You think it was easy for me?” He spun me around when we stepped out of the revolving doors. “Tatiana, you are crazy if you don’t think I didn’t die every fucking day after I left you––that I didn’t spend every waking moment thinking about you.”
The laugh that escaped me was unrecognizable. It was laced with bitterness and came out quicker than I intended.
“Nazir, I think you moved on just fine. I think you slept well at night, while I was stuck trying to put together the pieces of my heart you shattered. It’s funny how you’re in my face, but you have a girlfriend and a daughter. Worry about them.”
He looked past me.
The accusation that he slept well and went on with life perfectly had hit him. Not because it was true, but because I had no idea how much he struggled. His body tensed, and his eyes shifted further away from mine.
His voice lowered as he finally looked down at me. “You don’t know shit about what I’ve been through. You have no idea how many times I wanted to come back and fix things. How many nights I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about you.”
He swiped his hands over his face, as if trying to wipe away everything we had just said.
“Well, you stayed away, so you weren’t that worried,” I shot back.
“Staying away was what was best for you. It was the least I could give you when I had nothing to give.”
“Fuck that and fuck you! You left because of your fragile ego. You left because you couldn’t handle a woman having more money than you. You never let me help you, always would have rather strugg—”
“A real nigga ain’t gonna pull his woman down with him.
Why the fuck would I take you from a life where I knew you would be taken care of and safe to make you struggle?
Staying would have meant introducing you to struggle––a life that was beneath you.
I wouldn’t have been a real man if I willingly led you into that life. ”
“So, now because you have money, you think you can come get me back? Bullshit. I am not even that kind of woman.”
“I don’t expect you to fall into my arms and everything will be fine. Tata, I know I fucked up, and I own that shit. You have every right to hold that pain and hate for me. I fucked this up… fucked you up.”
“I’m not that same girl you left in that bed, Nazir. I will never be that girl again.” My voice cracked as I stared into his eyes.
Ugh. I was so damn angry with him. We were both strangers, not really knowing each other. Why did he have to leave me? I didn’t want him to be a stranger. I wanted him to be who I had always known him to be.
Nazir.
His hands found mine and held them. My heart did somersaults in my chest as I looked up at him. Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks, ready to ruin my makeup.
“I don’t want her,” he said, his voice rugged and rough. “I want you. Exactly as you are–– however broken you believe yourself to be. But I’m not leaving again. I’m going to fix you. I broke it, so it’s up to me to make it right by loving it back together.”
He rubbed my chest, and my heart melted.
My body grew warmer as I kept staring up at him, speechless. In that moment, I could feel the earth slowly spinning on its axis. Why did he have to say the right things? I hated how I wanted to believe every word he said to me.
Without saying another word, I spun around and headed deeper into the hotel toward the elevators. I didn’t need to look back to know that he was right behind me. The touch of our hands and the intense stare told me that he felt the same way.
We both felt everything.