Chapter 25 Darius
Darius
Ican’t bring myself to lay her in the cot.
Amelia sleeps soundly and her dad left, promising to return in the morning.
My adrenaline is hanging on by a thread and as I stare into the tiny eyes of my daughter, she’s got me captured.
Mr. Haynes was right, she looks just like her mom, fucking perfectly beautiful.
“She needs a name.”
Spinning around, Amelia is wide awake.
“Do you have anything in mind?” I ask, crossing the room and sitting on the edge of her bed.
“I was thinking we should name her after our grandmothers.”
My heart swells and it reinstates how deep she is. Someone like Clare would probably name their kid with a stripper’s name or some shit.
“What’s your grandmother called?”
“Elsa.”
“Elsa-Marie.”
“Elsa-Marie Madden.”
I shouldn’t be surprised to hear her give our daughter my name but I am. I should’ve known better.
Amelia, as much as I’ve hurt her, still does the right thing.
“It’s perfect… just like her.”
She holds her arms out and I pass her over and watch the love shining in her eyes as she stares down at what we’ve created.
“You always say we come from two different worlds, but she’s a mix of both. How can she be so perfect when we can’t even get our shit together?” she murmurs.
“Perhaps she’s the exception.”
“I don’t she think she is. I think we are.”
Sighing softly, I frown. “Amelia. This doesn’t change anything.”
“One day you’re going to regret this, and it will be something you’ll have to live with, that can never be changed. We’ll not get this time back.”
Fuck, she’s making this so hard.
“You’re overwhelmed and tired, you’re not thinking straight. You know this would never work.”
“Don’t patronise me. We have a daughter now, no matter what’s happened in the last few months, we had something real. We both felt it. We were both prepared to fall. You’re the only one who believes it couldn’t work. I love you, Darius, and I would happily fall if you were at my side.”
Reaching out, I run the backs of my knuckles down her cheek. I’ve seen a future with us together. It felt fantastic until reality set in.
“I’d rather you be pissed off with me now, slowly getting over it and coming to see it was right to be apart, than you grow to hate me because I’m not who you deserve. We’ll always share her, but that’s all I can offer you.”
“Answer me this and I’ll never mention it again.” I nod and she continues. “When she’s bigger, you want your time with her at your place.”
“Yes,” I confirm.
“Then how could you bring her into your world being she’s the most important part of you now, but not me?”
For a moment I’m stuck for words.
“It’s different.”
“How?”
“With you, you’d be at my side, out in clear danger. With her, she’ll never be around Tariq’s or the places my line of business takes me.”
I’m not explaining this right, but in my world, kids are off limits.
Everyone knowing that if an innocent child was caught in the middle of our fight, it would no longer be a fight, but a bloody war no one wants.
The fight for control of the streets is much different to that of cold violent vengeance of the death of a child.
“Do you not feel anything for me anymore?”
Masking the pain she’s causing, I say, “You’re the…”
“Mother of your child,” she cuts in. “Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry, you’ve made it perfectly clear where I stand now.” Inhaling deeply, she shakes what’s on her mind away and says, “Can you pass me the camera, I want to take a pictures while she’s asleep.”
And just like that, the conversation is done and she’s shutting down any pipe dreams she had for us. It’s for the best, if I can already see it’s for the best, she will eventually as well.
“Sure.”
Like the last ten minutes didn’t happen, she snaps pictures of Elsa-Marie on her own, me holding her, and in turn I take some of her holding our daughter.
I stay long enough for her to be fed, changed and laid down for the rest of the night before I grab my bag and kiss my daughter’s head softly.
“I’ll be back in the morning.”
For a brief moment I think she’ll ask me to stay. But she smiles genuinely, saying, “Okay, see you tomorrow, or later today I suppose.”
I go to kiss her on the top of her head but back off. There can’t be anymore soft tender moments between us. She may not be happy now, but she will in time, and I’ll do all I can to make sure I don’t confuse her further.
Ma and grandma are sat waiting in the living room, a pot of tea long gone cold and two empty cups sat on the coffee table.
“Your smile alone tells us everything is fine,” Ma beams.
“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t call or anything, I couldn’t pull myself away from her. I’ve got pictures on my phone.”
“Show us then,” she laughs, and I sit beside her on the couch.
I flick through the snaps I took, and she places her hand over her heart and coos, “She’s so tiny and beautiful.”
“Just like her mama,” I say.
“Not just like her, look…” she gets up and retrieves an album from the dresser.
She flips through the pages and there’s a picture of me as a baby in the hospital and I don’t look all that different from Elsa-Marie. She really is a part of me.
“Does she have a name?” Grandma asks.
“Elsa-Marie Madden. Elsa after Amelia’s grandma and Marie after you.”
“How lovely,” Ma beams and Grandma dabs at her eyes with her hanky.
“They’re both doing well and should be discharged later today or tomorrow. I’ll either take you over to Amelia’s or bring her over here so you can meet her.”
“I can’t wait. Finally, a little girl.” Mom grins.
She kisses my cheek and busies herself taking out the teapot and cups.
I move to kneel beside Grandma and let her have a closer look at the pictures. She stops me on the one of Amelia holding Elsa-Marie and takes the phone from me.
“Marry her.”
I’m glad she can’t see me rolling my eyes. I’d sure gain a slap to the back of my head.
“No marriage, Grandma.”
“You love her, you’re having a baby with her, you marry her.”
It’s so clear cut to her but still a black fucking cloud hanging over me.
“One day,” she vows on my behalf, and I haul myself up.
The sun is beginning to rise, and I need a few hours’ sleep before I set off back to the hospital.
As I take a quick shower, all I feel is the pull to be back with Elsa-Marie and Amelia.
Slamming my fist against the tiled wall, I force out the memory of the sadness coating her as I rejected her.
There can never be a day she hears how much I love her. It was confusing enough for her to understand why we can’t be together, it would be a hell of a lot worse if she knew my true feelings.
Mr. Haynes follows behind as I drive Amelia and Elsa-Marie home from the hospital.
Amelia sits in the back with the baby, and I flick my eyes to the rearview mirror every now and then and every time all I see is the glow around them both.
I will protect them both the only way I know, even if it kills me.
“What’s your gate code?”
“5-3-2-1-6-9.”
I tap them in and the gates slowly open and I think back to the night I picked them up at the club and she’d rather climb out and do it herself then tell me Clare’s code.
Out front of the house, Catherine steps out before we’ve come to a stop and claps her hands excitedly as I get out and open the back door. Mr. Haynes collects the bags and the bunch of balloons. Amelia left the flowers on the receptionist’s desk to brighten their day.
I deal with the car seat while Amelia scoots out the other side. Inside, I come to a stop when a rainbow of pink and white balloons take up the far side of the living room. Glittery pink star confetti hangs from the arch and pink roses are placed in vases all around the room.
“Wow,” Amelia murmurs.
“I couldn’t help myself. I see this sort of thing all over Instagram and splashed out.”
“What do you know about Instagram, Catherine?” Amelia giggles.
So this is how rich people bring their babies home. I can’t say I’d have thought to do this but I’m glad Catherine did judging by the look of joy on Amelia’s face.
“I love it, Catherine. Thank you.”
“Where should I set Elsa-Marie down?” I ask.
“By the couch.”
I set our daughter down and it all hits home. Shit is about to get real and fuck me if I’m not looking forward to it.
It feels like I’ve not shut my eyes five minutes ago when my phone rings dragging me from a heavy sleep.
It’s just gone two in the morning and Amelia’s name flashes on the screen. I hit answer and sit up.
Her cries hit my ear first and I’m instantly wide awake.
“What’s wrong?”
“She won’t stop crying, she won’t feed, I think she needs to see a doctor.”
My heart fucking pounds away as I’m already dressing while trying to keep the phone to my ear.
“What do you mean, a doctor? Is she sick?”
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m calling you.”
“Where’s your dad?”
“He went out for different diapers, she kept coming out in a rash with the others.”
“How long has he been gone?”
“Ten minutes.”
“I’m sure she’s fine, your dad would’ve known if she was sick, wouldn’t he?”
“He’s not here now though, what if…”
“I’m on my way.”
I’m in the car, driving across the city and parking up out front of her house in under twenty minutes.
She’s pacing the living room, while Elsa-Marie cries in her arms. Frantic fear radiates in Amelia’s eyes.
She passes her over as soon as I’m near and as soon as I have her in my hold, she quietens down and a soft sob shudders through her.
With her mouth hanging open, Amelia drops down on the couch and cries into her hands.
I feel Elsa-Marie’s forehead and she doesn’t feel warm. I put her pacifier in, and her eyes soon flicker closed. Within a couple of minutes, she’s asleep and I lay her in her crib.
“She hates me.”
Crouching before Amelia, I tip her chin up until she’s looking me in the eye.
“She doesn’t hate you.”
“Please, she’s been screaming for over an hour, you show up and she instantly settles.”
“She must miss me.” I smile to cheer to her up.
“How am I meant to settle her at night when it’s you she wants?” she snaps before a yawn takes over.
“How about I stay over for a couple of nights until we can get her into a routine?”
“You’d do that?”
It kills me she would think I wouldn’t.
“Sure. Lay down and get some sleep, I’m going to go for a smoke while I wait for your dad to get back.”
She lays down on the couch and I drape the blanket over her. She’s soon out for the count and I sit out on the front steps and take out my smokes.
I should give up now I have Elsa-Marie, but I light up and inhale long and hard.
It’s pretty chilly out tonight and I pull my sleeves down to ward of the chill.
By the time I’ve finished my cigarette and stubbed it out in the nearest plant pot, the gates are opening and Mr. Haynes is driving through.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, climbing out of his car that is probably worth more than my house.
“Amelia called me in tears, the baby wouldn’t settle. They’re both asleep now.”
He grabs two large bags of diapers from the back seat, and I stand.
“I told her to get some sleep last night when Elsa was sleeping. But she wouldn’t, she just sat there watching her.”
I can understand, I’d have probably done the same if I were here.
Inside, Mr. Haynes dumps the diapers in the hall and pokes his head into the living room.
He points to the kitchen, and I follow him. He grabs two glasses and a bottle of whiskey.
We sit at the table, and he pours us both a large measure.
He raises his glass and I clink mine to his before we both take a sip. I lean back in my chair and nurse my drink.
“How are you doing?” he asks, and I look up.
“I’d like to say I’m tired, but I think that would be patronising to Amelia.”
He chuckles lightly and continues, “You think you have it all planned out but then they come along, and it changes everything. I think Amelia is just overwhelmed tonight, she’ll settle down into a routine soon enough and she’ll find her way.”
“That’s what I told her.”
He smiles but it soon falls.
“When I first met you, I offered to pay you to stay away. You didn’t even think about accepting it, did you?”
“Not for a single second.”
“I then offered to set you up with a job with prospects at my publishing house and you declined. Now she’s here, I’ll offer you it again. Don’t answer me now, think about it. It would change your life. Not only that, but do you want her growing up seeing you run the streets, thinking it’s normal?”
I haven’t thought that far ahead, and I don’t appreciate him putting me on the spot.
“I agree it will be something I’ll have to deal with in time but working for you isn’t the path for me to take at this time.”
“Given what you do, I like you, Darius. You’re the father of my granddaughter and someone my daughter cares deeply for.
While I have the means, my offer will always be open.
I beg that you take it seriously and seriously think it over.
It’s no good having a father if you can only see him through a sheet of glass so many times a month or having to visit their grave. ”
He knows full well where my father is, and to use it against me now has me shooting back the rest of my drink.
“I told Amelia I’d stay and help with the baby. I’m going to check on them before trying to get some sleep.”
Pushing out of my chair, I’m nearly at the doorway when he says, “You’re a father now, every decision you make isn’t based on what’s best for you, it’s all about her. I hope you make the right decision.”
Pressure builds inside me, and I head into the living room, careful not to wake Amelia and sit beside the crib.
One thing Mr. Haynes is right about is every decision I make going forward needs to be for my kid.