Chapter 34 Amelia
Amelia
I’m taken to the visiting room and my heart rate spikes expecting to see my dad. It plummets when I see Darius.
I sit and keep my mouth firmly shut. We sit in silence for a few minutes, but I hold his gaze, never once wavering or looking away.
“Do you remember the night of your graduation when the house got shot at?” I nod and he continues.
“You accused me of not caring about you. I told you I was ride or die for my crew, but you were a part of that too. I was terrified you’d get hurt.
I’d never, ever, felt fear like it. All I wanted was to take out any and every threat to you.
” Hearing this stuns me. He has never said it before.
“I kept you away to keep you safe.” He turns angry.
“And yet you’re here any-fucking-way. In here because of my world and your shitty friend. ”
“She’s no friend of mine anymore.”
“She’s nothing to no one anymore.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“She not only put the blame on you, she ratted on you. Rats don’t live long in my world.”
“What did you do to her?”
“I did what I had to do.”
That all he says on the matter and as usual I’m expected to coast along listening to what he has to say.
“How are you getting on in here? Any trouble?” he asks, completely changing the conversation.
“No.”
There’s no point telling him about the drama after dinner the other night. It wouldn’t surprise me if he even knew already.
“How’s Elsa?”
“You’d know yourself if you let me bring her.”
I look away from him.
He sighs and says, “She misses her mama. Why did you tell your dad you didn’t want me to bring her?”
“Because seeing you reminds me of why I’m here.”
“Then let your dad bring her in. She still needs you,” he pleads.
“And what is it I can do for her here?” I snap trying to keep my voice down. “I can’t feed her, I’ve dried up. She’ll have to be searched on her way in and over my dead body will that ever happen. There are too many reasons why it’s a piss poor idea.”
“She just needs to be held by you, smell you, feel you.”
“Like you fucking care,” I spit. “Has my dad seen her recently?”
“Of course he has, I check in every couple of days.”
“When you’re not busy breaking the law, involved in drugs and drive-bys,” I snipe, not able to help myself.
“Amelia…”
“Don’t, you can’t tell me to do shit. In fact, the only thing I can do for my daughter is get her as far from you as I can. The next time I speak to my dad, I’m getting him to fight for her…”
“I swear, if you get your dad to try and take her from me, you’ll regret it. Besides, how’s it going to look when her mother is behind bars and her dad is not?”
Something in his eyes leads me to believe this is true, but I’m too angry to keep staring at him.
“There isn’t much you can do to me, is there?”
“You’re the only one I don’t want to hurt. Since I met you, you’ve been the centre of my fucking life. You here, you getting hurt… or killed, it’s what I’ve never wanted to happen. Why can’t you see that?”
“Maybe it’s a little difficult to see anything while I’m in here.”
I raise my hand and one of the correction officers comes over and walks me back to the block.
Pacing my cell, I’m sure I’m annoying my bunkie, but I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Biting down on my thumb nail, I wear it down until I start to see everything clearly.
If I push Darius too far, he could disappear with Elsa.
She’ll forget about me and my dad and I’d never find her.
I need to change tactics if I’m going to keep Darius on side, at least until I can get out of this place.
Once I’m free, I can bring her back and never let him see her again.
I’ll keep her safe from the danger surrounding him every single day.
Needing to calm down, I brush my hair until I can breathe without wanting to spit fire and then I reach for my notepad and pen. I can’t do this over the phone, he’ll hear the insincerity in my voice. Putting ink to paper is best, and I begin…
Darius.
I should begin by apologising for how I acted when you came to see me.
I hope I can explain, and you’ll understand, maybe even forgive me.
I’m angry, I’m scared, I’m missing everything I once knew, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’ve never felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to implode.
Seeing you today, all the anger and resentment bubbled to the surface, and I took it out on you because when I saw you, I saw everything that happened to me, and you were easy to unleash on.
I didn’t mean what I said, you’re a good dad to our daughter and I’d never break that bond you’ve created.
If she’s not with me, I’m happy she’s safe with you.
I can admit I’m jealous. I miss her so much it physically hurts.
I didn’t think it was possible to feel such strong emotions and not break.
Maybe I am broken, so broken I don’t see it myself yet.
I’m so confused, and all I have now is time to think it over and over and I still don’t have any answers.
I fear the day I find them because I’ll have nothing left to fill my days.
I sit in my cell and time moves on and I don’t.
I’ve spent my life believing the worst thing to happen to me was having to wait till my eighteenth for my own car.
I was such an idiot. Where I am now is not worth everything I had.
The choices that have led me to here, I regret every second that passes, but I can’t ever regret meeting you because you gave me Elsa-Marie.
I think it’s best if you don’t come to visit for a while, I need to figure out how I’m going to get through this on my own and I can’t handle seeing you and then watching you leave without me. I hope you write me back but if you don’t, I get it.
Amelia.
What a load of crap. I read over what I’ve written and pray he believes every word. It’s all I have left to get me through the day. When I’m released, it will be me and my daughter together without any threat from her father or his way of life.