Chapter 36 Amelia
Amelia
My dad appears older, tired. He tries to put on a front that he’s okay, but I see straight through it. CeCe was right all those months ago, you can tell everything by someone’s eyes if you look hard enough. I see it as clear as day that he’s just as empty with this place as I am.
“How’s the publishing house? Find any new stories that are going to change literature?”
He used to have a spark when speaking about work but these days, specifically on our visits, there’s not even any embers.
“I haven’t signed off on anything in over four months. People keeping bringing me empty plots and stories that have been written a thousand times before.”
“How about I write you something? It’s not like I don’t have the time.”
I try to lighten the mood and the spark returns.
“Have you had any ideas come to mind?”
“A couple. I’ll get working on it later.”
“You can send me chapter by chapter and I’ll let you know what I think.”
“Sounds like a plan.” His smile fades and he asks, “Are you going to ask about Elsa.”
My gut tightens and knots. “I know she’s doing good, Darius writes to me twice a week.”
“She cut her first tooth yesterday.”
It’s another milestone I’ve missed and another reason to hate Darius.
“She did?”
His smile returns and it puts me at ease.
“Her hair is getting longer every day, her…”
“I get it, dad, I do.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I can’t bear to see you like this. Unable to even talk about her. I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to keep strong.”
“I haven’t broken down yet, Dad. This is how. It’s torture to hear about her, it’s torture not to, so I go for the lesser evil.”
“Darius keeps asking after you, in fact, he’ll most likely be on the phone as soon as I step out of here.”
“I don’t want to see him.”
“You talk to him in your letters, why won’t you see him? He could bring Elsa…”
“Please,” I grind out. “Stop asking me. I don’t want her in here, tainted by this very air, and as for Darius and me…”
A tear betrays me, and I quickly wipe it away. It’s not sadness, it’s from anger. If I were to see his face, I wouldn’t be able to keep up the charade I’ve built up in my letters.
“He misses you, sweetheart.”
“Yeah, he tells me that in his letters.”
“Do you… miss him?”
Who knows what they talk about these days? They’ve grown closer since Elsa was born. I can’t have my dad telling him something that contradicts what I’ve been writing to him.
“Of course I do but if I think about him, I can’t breathe and some of the women in here are just waiting for someone to leech onto and take advantage of.
I’ll be able to think better once I’m out of here.
If you truly want to help me, donate books to the library.
I’ve read just about everything worth reading.
It fills my days like you wouldn’t believe. ”
The spark begins to burn brighter. His smile genuine and spreading fully across his face.
“That I can do. You want books, I’ll have thousands brought in. I’ll talk to whoever I need to before I leave.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
The rest of the visit flies by and as always, I leave him wishing I was walking out the door with him.
Every step I take back to the block is a step I have to force myself to take. I should be used to it by now but the day that happens, is the day I’ve completely lost myself.
Twenty-six photos tacked to my wall. The first things I see when I wake and the last before I fall asleep.
It’s no wonder I dream about her so much.
The last one Darius sent me, she’s sat up on her own, wearing a pink bow on the top of her head.
That will be Darius’s mother. She bought a bunch of them when Elsa was born, I only put them on her when she was going to see his mom to make her happy.
But I hated them. Now I’d give anything to stick one of them on her head and take a picture.
Darius,
I’m doing okay today. I just saw my dad, it was so good to see him.
He told me Elsa’s cut her first tooth yesterday.
She’s going to have a full set by the time I get out of here.
My dad’s going to talk to someone about donating books to the library.
And I’m going to start writing, my dad said he’ll read it over chapter by chapter.
I’m excited, it gives me something to finally focus on.
It’ll be nice to do something different other than listen to the women complain about the heat.
If I thought I could get my dad to donate air conditioners, I would.
Everyone’s cranky and any small thing starts drama.
I’m still keeping to myself but it’s difficult to hide from the shit flying around.
The other day an argument broke out over a candy bar, one ended up in the hole and the other in medical.
I get it’s a big deal in here, but jeez, imagine losing days or gaining a scar over a piece of candy. This place will never not surprise me.
Dad said you keep asking him to talk to me about letting you come visit.
You need to stop. I’m just about keeping myself together seeing my dad and having to say goodbye every time.
I wouldn’t be able to cope if had to say goodbye to you too.
Cuddle Elsa for me, kiss her a hundred times, and tell her how much I miss her and love her.
I have to go now, so write soon and know I miss you too.
Amelia.
“That should do it,” I murmur putting my pen down.
“What bullshit are you writing him now?” Lori asks noticing the letter on my lap.
“Just how much I miss him, how hard it would be to say goodbye if he came to visit.”
“And he’s still eating that shit up?”
“So far, yeah.”
“Men, they’re all the same. They’ll believe anything.”
Snorting, I rip the letter from the notepad and shove it in an envelope. Occasionally I get sucked into my own words, it’s tiring to hate someone you love. Someone you once loved.
“Don’t forget it’s movie night tonight, you gonna join me for a little comedy?”
I snort. “Sure, only because my trip to Vegas got cancelled.”
I plug my earbuds in and do my best to get comfortable on the unrelenting hard plastic chair.
A lot of the women get so excited over movie night, and I never understood why when I first got here but after the first week, I got it.
The opportunity to escape into a movie from the depressing humdrum life if only for ninety minutes or so is something you look forward to.
You learn to sit with fifty other inmates and sometimes you manage to forget they’re there.
I treat it like I’m going to the movies.
Instead of popcorn, I have Doritos from commissary.
An earbud is ripped from my ear, and I spin around in my chair and three Six-Nighters are sat behind Lori and I.
“Don’t touch me,” I snap, ripping my earbud back.
“You should be more careful where you sit, Haynes. These two rows are reserved.”
Lori scowls at me like I’m the one to blame for the interruption.
“It’d be a shame if movie night ended early cause someone had to be taken to medical.”
“Yeah, word on the street is Madden has made himself untouchable… which means you’re the only way to get to him.”
My heart jumps a beat and I clench the bag of Doritos.
“Darius isn’t my business,” I say, trying not to appear afraid.
“You’re his baby momma, he’s your business for the next eighteen years. My man tells me Madden spends a lot of time driving the kid around when she can’t sleep.”
Another Sixer chips in, “Imagine if they happened to be driving by the wrong people at the wrong time.”
Shoving up out of my chair, their desire to scare me is officially working. Their laughter follows me until the door closes behind me.
I dump my food and earbuds on my bunk and make my way down to the phones. I punch Darius’s number and wait for him to accept the call.
“Amelia? Hey, how are you doing?”
His shock of me calling him is evident.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing driving Elsa around to get her to sleep?” I snap quietly.
“Huh? You wanna explain what the fuck you’re talking about?”
“Apparently, you’re untouchable to the Six-Nighters…”
“Watch what you say over the line, babe.”
“Fuck you. I just had to listen to some bitch tell me how her man knows when and where you’re driving our daughter around.”
“Amelia, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down, I’m freaking out and I need you to tell me that you’re not going to take her out anymore. Can’t you just sway her in your arms when she’s fussing?”
“Okay, okay, I’ll figure something else out, okay?”
“I can’t have another thing to worry about in here, I just can’t.”
“I get it, but you know I’d never let anyone or anything touch our daughter.”
Resting my forehead against the cold wall, I close my eyes and force back the tears.
“Did something happen tonight?” he asks.
“It’s movie night, we sat in the wrong chairs,” I explain. “I freaked out.”
The weight of making this call falls on me and I take a deep breath.
“I should go.”
“Amelia, wait. I’ve been waiting months to hear your voice, just give me another few minutes, please.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“You’re joking? I don’t care what you say as long as I get to hear you talk. Tell me about your day?”
My day? Is he for real?
“This morning I had my hair done at Harvey’s, then I had brunch with my father at Piro’s and this afternoon I went to the spa.”
“Very funny,” he sighs.
“Fine, after lunch I had a visit with my dad, he’s going to look into donating new books to the library and then I spent the rest of the afternoon writing you a letter.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, Dad said Elsa cut a tooth yesterday.”
“Yeah, she’ll have a full set in no time. Hopefully then she’ll sleep a little better.”
“I’d rather it was her waking me up in the middle of the night than the crap that wakes me in here.”
The line goes quiet and then he asks, “You gonna let me come see you soon, Amelia?”
“Don’t, Darius, I can’t keep going over this.”
“I miss you,” he says warmly.
I waited for months during my most vulnerable period of my life for him to say those three words. I would’ve done anything for him to admit that’s how he truly felt.
Keeping up with my plan, I say, “Yeah, I miss you too, it’s just too hard.”
I don’t know how many more times I have to say it before he believes it.
“What were you doing before I called?”
“I just walked through the door. Elsa needed more diapers, since she’s been on solid food, she’s been going through them. I’ve never known anything like it.”
This makes me laugh. There are some things I don’t miss.
“It’s good to hear you laughing, babe.”
Oh shit, I can’t deal with him calling me babe.
“I’ve got to go, can you make sure you’re aware of your surroundings if you take her out in the car in the future, please?”
“Sure if you do something for me.”
Rolling my eyes, I’m glad he can’t see it.
“What?”
“Call me each night.”
“Darius…”
“Three times a week?”
“You’re not going to give up, are you?”
“Not a chance.”
“Fine, I’ll call Monday’s, Wednesday’s and Friday’s.”
“Just so you know I would’ve dealt on once a week.”
“Asshole,” I mutter, and he laughs.
“I’ll wait for your call Wednesday.”
“Bye.”
I hang up and close my eyes, how the hell did that just happen? This is what I get for making a call in anger.