Epilogue
Amelia
Ihang the last bauble on the Christmas tree, turn the lights on and step back.
It certainly beats the miniature tree the C.O.
’s had in their little office last year.
It was more depressing than not having anything.
I would’ve preferred to flow through the holiday with no decorations and trick myself into believing it wasn’t happening.
It’s been a few weeks since I was released, and the memories are still vivid that I’ll be doing something and forget I’m at home.
I sent Lori a holiday card. In all the years she’s been locked up, she’s not received anything from the outside.
She has no one. I can picture the lines at the top of her nose deepening when her name is called on mail day.
Then her smile when she opens it and sees I haven’t forgotten about her.
It’s not that I miss her, but it’s obvious she’s not around twenty-four seven anymore.
A part of me feels for her that she’s still there and I’m not.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that even in the worst of situations, everyone is still human.
Some don’t act like it and there’s no desire to help them in any way, but monsters aren’t real, just humans.
Lori’s past will haunt her for the rest of her life, but it’s her humanity that fuels the guilt each and every day.
She can’t ever right her wrong, she believes her serving her time in prison for the rest of her life is what she has to do, and she will do it because of her guilt.
I’m not going to spend my life allowing the bitterness of injustice to gnaw at me anymore.
There’s nothing I can change about it and to live with happiness and peace in my heart, I have to let it all go. I doubt I’ll forget but I can move on.
“I don’t think we have enough decorations.”
Rolling my eyes at Darius’s attempt at sarcasm, I ignore his jibe and look around as he wraps his arms around me from behind. I admit, I’ve gone overboard for the holidays. I missed last year’s festivities and perhaps I’m trying to make up for it, but who am I harming. No one.
Darius moved in with us the day after he showed me the house for his family.
We’ve agreed to live with dad until he has saved enough for a deposit for our own house.
Dad has offered to buy us one but Darius outright refuses.
I guess it’s a pride thing. Whatever it is, I don’t mind spending time with dad before we move out.
Neither of us have heard from Mom and I don’t expect to hear from her anytime soon.
Mr. Burley is the one who hasn’t surprised me at all.
Clare disappeared over a year ago and he hasn’t even reported her missing.
He has no idea she’s dead and buried in an unmarked grave.
To him, according to my dad, he believes her habit had her running off with some drug dealer.
I sometimes wonder how different Clare’s life would’ve been if her mom hadn’t have died.
But then I remember what she did to me, and she becomes another memory I have to live with but move on from.
“What time are you picking up Marie, your mom and the boys tomorrow?”
“9 a.m. sharp, just like you told me to.”
Turning in his hold, I look up at him and wind my arms around his waist.
“Maybe they should stay over, and then we can all wake up and open the gifts together?”
“Babe, your dad has his work thing giving us the house to ourselves, all I want tonight is for me, you, and Elsa to have our first proper Christmas Eve together. We can light the fire, drink hot cocoa, put on a holiday movie, whatever you want, I don’t care, as long as it’s just us.”
I hug him close and then kiss him. It’s brief, and never enough, but I have a lot to do before Elsa wakes up from her nap.
“Can you bring the presents down from the guest room.”
“Sure.”
He plants one last kiss on me before disappearing upstairs and I give the tree one last look of appreciation.
To me, this is the starting point of moving on.
The first few weeks after being released had me in a dream like state.
I spent every minute of the day with Elsa and the nights locked in my room with Darius.
Come January, everything that’s happened is being left in the past where it belongs.
“It’s going to take me at least five trips…”
Over my shoulder, Darius walks in with four large gift bags full of gifts. Smiling, I take half his haul and sit by the tree to set them out.
“You know, there’ll be a time where Elsa’s going to have brothers and sisters. Christmas is gonna cost us a fortune if you go this overboard every year.”
All the air in my lungs becomes trapped. “Brothers and sisters?”
His smile is truly wicked, and he kneels beside me. “You look hot as fuck carrying my kid, our daughter is perfect, why the fuck wouldn’t I knock you up at every opportunity.”
Heat creeps over my cheeks and I brush off the memories of him constantly pushing me away during Elsa’s pregnancy.
“How many kids are you planning exactly?”
“At least two boys and another girl. I’d love it if the boys were twins like my brothers, but if not, I get to see you knocked up again.”
“How about we get through the next four years of me finishing school and then we’ll talk about it.”
“I can deal with that.”
I was young having Elsa, but I wouldn’t change a thing when it comes to her, but baby number two will be planned.
I love how he talks about our future and how it looks. I know what he’s given up for me and Elsa and what it took for him to change every aspect of his life. I will love this man for the rest of my life and if he wants a big family, then that’s what he’ll have.
Later that night, the three of us are tucked under a blanket on the couch and the movie has just finished, not that Elsa stayed awake long enough to watch it all.
Halfway through I did picture our future kids all tucked up with us.
After our conversation earlier, I see it all with him.
I don’t move a muscle and nor does Darius, Elsa’s soft snores between us.
“I have a gift I want to give you now.”
“It’s not Christmas yet,” I tell him.
Looking at the clock on the mantle, he shrugs, “It’s close enough.”
I watch him as he leans over and lifts one of the couch cushions, picking up a small black box. He angles his body so he’s facing me and stretches his arm along the top of the cushions, stroking the loose strands of hair back behind my ear.
“I knew you were different when Tariq dragged you out of that club and we had to lay low that night. I saw it in the way you moved, the way you spoke. If I could go back and change everything that’s happened, I would, but I’d never change meeting you, or having Elsa.”
He opens the box and sitting pretty inside is a diamond ring with ruby stones around it.
“I promise you a life worth living, Amelia. You make me the man I was meant to be. You’ve given me something more precious than I could ever repay in our daughter but if you say yes and marry me, I’ll never stop trying.”
“Yes.”
I don’t need to think it through. This is the final piece of the puzzle falling into place. Every shard of pain I’ve felt has truly been healed and I bite down on my smile when he slides the ring onto my finger and leans over our daughter to kiss me.
“I think she needs to go to bed so we can celebrate,” he says arching his brow.
I love it when he does that, making me hot.
“You always have the best ideas.”
While he scoops Elsa up into his arms, I collect all the blankets and make sure everything is in place for the morning before I shut off the light.
I store the blankets in the closet and join Darius as he tucks Elsa into bed. Kissing her goodnight and backing out quietly, Darius takes my hand and locks us in our room. It’s no longer my room alone. He lifts my left hand and presses a kiss to the ring.
“Sometimes I think you can’t get any hotter, but then I see this, and it proves me wrong.”
“Does my dad know you was going to ask?”
“He gave me his blessing three months ago. Now no more talking.”
He pushes me back and I land on the bed with a soft thud.
All I wanted was him to fall with me and now I get more than I hoped for.
We’re falling and there’s no landing. We’ve got the rest of our lives to freefall with each other, always together and enjoying what may come our way.
After everything we’ve been through, there’s nothing we can’t overcome.
I’m no longer the lost lamb, I know what I want and where I’m going, and no one will ever bring me down or get in my way… never.
Darius
I don’t know where to look. My daughter, my woman, or the diamond on her finger telling every fucker she’s mine.
I always thought money was the answer to everything needed to be happy.
I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong, money is essential to pretty much everything in life but the shit that truly counts are the things that don’t cost a penny.
I have everything I never wanted and if working a desk job is the price I have to pay to keep them, it’s what I’ll do.
I can’t go back to a life where everything costs something when everything I have now is priceless.
The fear I had when I ran the streets holds nothing to the fear I hold when I think about losing my girls.
Elsa’s excitement this morning as we sat around the tree opening presents filled the house and all I could do was sit watching.
Amelia made today one of the best days of my life, bar the day our daughter was born and last night when she agreed to be my wife.
There’s a power in being complete with the one you love, it’s nothing I’d ever find on the streets.
I’m grateful to her in ways she’ll never be able to comprehend.
My phone rings and I debate answering when I see it’s Jermaine calling. He knows I’m out, but I know him, he wouldn’t reach out if he didn’t need me.
“Yeah?”
“Yo, Dar, we’ve got trouble coming from the Rathbones.”
Closing my eyes, I force myself to take a deep breath.
“I’m out, Jer, you know this.”
“I hear ya, but this is like nothing we’ve seen before. We’ve lost six guys in the last four nights.”
Shit. Six guys?
My first instinct is to demand to know the details but over my shoulder, my girls sleep on with the lights from the Christmas tree casting colorful shadows over them, and I squash that shit down.
“I can’t help you.”
“Come on, Dar, just for tonight. I know it’s Christmas and you’ve got your family, but we’re gonna hit them hard, it’ll be like old times. A one-off.”
“Nah, man, I can’t be dipping my toes, bro.”
“It’s not just the Rathbones, there’s a Motorcycle Club reaching out, wanting a meet.”
It’s not worth losing my family. I have no doubt Amelia would walk away if I ever went back. My only job is to kill her fears, not rival street crews.
“I put you in my place because I know you’re the next best thing. I’m sorry, I can’t.”
I hang up and snap the phone in half. I can’t be half in and half out, that shit doesn’t help the streets or me. Jermaine will understand. When all is said and done, and he wakes in the morning after dealing with whatever the problem is, he’ll understand.
“This is what life is about. No matter what’s thrown at you at work, in life, perfection is what you get to come home to.”
Richard stands beside me. I didn’t hear the fucker come in thanks to the plush carpet. I couldn’t agree more.
“I know what I have, I’m not going to jeopardise losing it.”
“Who we’re meant to be changes all the time. Just remember that and you’ll do fine. It’s better to be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience than to be somebody you have to hide.”
How much of my conversation with Jer did he hear?
“I’m going to take them up to bed.”
“It’s been a lovely Christmas. It’s so nice having family around.”
Richard was an enemy when I first stepped into this house and now he’s a man I hold a lot of respect for.
For someone like him, rich and successful, he isn’t judgemental.
Even during the first time we met, he didn’t look at me with disgust. He looked at me like a father meeting the guy who knocked his daughter up.
I could’ve been one of the preppy boys from her school and he would’ve looked at me the same.
“This is it for me,” I tell him.
“Everything you’ve been through doesn’t have to be a negative in the rearview, it’s made you who are today, who you will be in the future.”
I hear him and I slap him on the back.
“I’m going to take them up now.”
Crossing the living room, I nudge Amelia and she kills me with her sleepy smile when her eyes land on me. The thing I love most is I’m the last one she sees at night and the first person she sees in the morning and I’m the one who makes her smile.
“It’s time to go to bed.”
Blinking the sleep from her eyes, she sits up and I scoop Elsa up. The hardest part about going straight is people go to bed at normal times. I laid awake till the early hours for weeks trying to readjust, not waiting on the phone to ring, or having to wait till dark to conduct business.
I climb in bed every night, fuck the shit out of my woman and don’t listen out for the phone.
Instead of making sure my ringer is on, I check the alarm is set.
Sometimes I fear being normal like it’s the worst thing in the world, but I’m not ever going to be normal because the small voice in the back of my head wants to know why an MC is wanting to meet with my… my old crew.