Chapter 7 #5
The way we laughed together. The way we talked. Why did it have to feel so easy? It felt too easy with him to open up. That's what freaks me out.
I've hooked up with people, I've had flings, I've played the game. I never felt that click.
And I didn't even fuck him.
We just talked. And it felt way more dangerous than any shit I've done in bed.
Part of me wants to scrape my knee on the wall just to feel something sharp and simple. The kind of pain that I understand, the kind of pain that makes total fucking sense.
Pain that doesn't talk back. Pain that doesn't look at me with big green eyes and say, "I'm sorry that happened to you."
I wish I could outrun last night. Leave that rooftop behind me. I hate that it felt that good. I hate that I was so happy after it.
Because I know that I'm not built for that. I'm not the guy who opens up and gets the happy ending.
I am the annoying Ducati guy.
With the fucked-up family.
With a mother who loves her fucking company more than my feelings. A dead dad and a neighborhood that knows my name for all the wrong reasons.
I slam the throttle again. If I don't push Rava away now, he'll realize it later. He'll see how wrong this is for him. How wrong I am. So yeah. Today I kept my distance.
I saw his face when he noticed. He got quiet. Confused.
It hurts.
So now I do what I do best. I ride it off.
Because I'd rather chew myself up than have him do it later.
And thank God I'm not doing it alone.
I've got Lorenzo riding next to me. Lorenzo's the only one who ever kept up. My favorite cousin.
My fucking partner in every crime we never got caught for.
He came down for the meetings, yeah. Business crap.
But with this dude, it never feels like just business. He doesn't look at me like I'm disgusting.
That's why I let him stay. That's why I can breathe when he's around. We stop on this little hill and both of us are panting.
"Holy shit," Lorenzo groans, tossing his helmet to the side. "My ass hurts. My back hurts. I need to lie flat, now." He flops onto the ground.
I look at him with pure disgust. "You're nasty," I say.
"Shut up," he mutters.
"You're taking a shower after this anyway. Come on, live a little. Lay down."
He pats the spot next to him.
I sigh, then drop down beside him. Whatever.
A dirty outfit is the smallest of my problems right now.
Lorenzo lights a cigarette. He offers me one.
"I don’t smoke."
He shrugs. Doesn't push.
That's why he's always been the only one I trust with the mess in my head. Maybe I should talk to him.
Out of everyone, he's the one who would actually understand. Or at least not make it fucking worse. We've been through shit.
He's seen me at my worst.
He's held my head when I was drunk out of my mind.
He's pulled me away from fights, from cops.
If there's anyone I could say it to, it's him.
Still, I don't know if I can. I don't even know if I need to. Actually… do I really have to tell anyone? Can't I just deal with it in my own fucked-up way, like I do with everything else?
Maybe I can kill it before it grows. Before it gets bigger.
Before it turns into something I can't control. You know. Just starve it out.
Less time with him. More distance.
I'm good at pushing people. I've had years of practice.
But right now it's the first time in my life I'm actually feeling something big for someone, and I'm managing it by screaming on a bike and venting to a cat.
Lulu listens, sure.
The picture frames listen.
The walls of my house listen.
But they don't talk back.
It would be so fucking nice to talk to an actual person.
I glance at Lorenzo from the corner of my eye.
Eh. He'd probably take it well. He'd probably say something stupid first, then something good after. I don't know. I will never know.
He turns his head toward me, squinting at my face. "Dude, why the fuck do you look so depressed?" he asks. "Who pissed you off? IS LULU OKAY?"
"Lulu's fine," I mumble. "It's not that."
"Aha, so it is something," he says immediately. "Spill."
Oh, believe me, you do not want me to spill. If I start talking about this, we're leaving this hill tomorrow. Maybe next week. Maybe never.
"I'm not spilling," I say out loud.
"Okay, then I'll talk. Hmmm." He looks at me.
Way too focused.
Way too suspicious. Don't say anything about what happened before, please.
"So. That guy… Rava."
Fuck you, Lorenzo.
"He's our age," I correct him. "Don't start."
Lorenzo looks over at me. "Didn't say anything."
"You said enough."
He actually laughs, surprised. "Woooah," he drags it out, all dramatic.
"Don't woah me," I snap. "I'm not in the mood to talk about him. Please."
Lorenzo elbows me in the ribs.
"Why not? Is my tough little nut finally seeing hearts and clouds and sparkles over his head while he does pirouettes?"
Fuck.
I laugh because the way he says it is stupidly funny, but my face drops right after. "No," I say. "Don't say that again."
"The fuck? I don't get it then," he says casually.
"He must be special," Lorenzo goes on. "You've literally been beaten up, spent nights at the station, gone through all kinds of shit, and you talked about all that just fine.
But now suddenly you can't talk about one angel-looking, green-eyed nerd with glasses? "
I stare at him. Damn. He's going hard with the compliments.
Angel-looking. Green eyes. Glasses.
Relax, Romeo. That was supposed to be my line.
"Please. Rava's nothing special."
He arches a brow. "Sure about that?"
No.
"He's boring. Judgmental. Walks around like he's better than the rest of us."
Lorenzo smirks. "Didn't seem that way when I met him. If anything…" he adds, and I can feel his eyes on me. "He seemed very much like your type of person."
He looks at me.
I look at him.
He keeps looking at me.
I turn my head away.
"Then you don't know my type," I mutter.
"Right." He stretches and gets to his feet.
"Back in a sec. Gonna piss before I fucking explode."
"Don't get lost in the woods," I mutter.
He laughs and disappears down the hill.
What the fuck am I doing. I'm literally sitting here, lying to the one person who actually knows me best. Because I'm trying to convince myself.
If I keep calling him boring, annoying, whatever, maybe at some point my body will believe me and stop reacting like that every time I see him.
Because right now, I'm fucking terrified of him.
Not of Rava the person.
He's not scary.
He's soft.
Does everything right.
Smiles a lot.
I'm scared of what he does to me. Yesterday on that rooftop, I felt it. That thing I've been shoving into a dark corner for years, locking the door, piling shit on top of it.
It moved. I swear it fucking moved.
The second I had him in my arms, it pushed.
Aggressively.
Like, hey, remember me? You tried to kill me? Guess what, I'm still here.
And I can't let that happen. I can't let that out.
I spent too long forcing it down. So yeah. I talk about him like he's nothing. I roll my eyes when his name comes up. Because the alternative is admitting that I care.
That I'm kind of curious.
That I want to know what would happen if I stopped pulling away. I can't do that.
I'm fucked.
If I look this thing in the eye now, after all these years of pretending it's dead, I don't know what it'll do to me.
I hate that I'm doing this.
I hate that I'm scared.
But people are forcing me to be scared.
Lorenzo comes back, zipping up his jeans with one hand and grabbing his cigarette with the other. "Miss me?" he grins.
"Like a hole in the head."
He drops back beside me, smoke back in the air between us. We sit in silence for a beat.
Then I turn to him again. "So, what the hell did he say to you? Earlier, back there."
Lorenzo smirks. "Can't tell you. Confidential."
I shove his shoulder. "Oh fuck off, you're not his lawyer."
He laughs. "I'm serious. He told me some pretty messed-up shit. I'm not gonna throw it back in his face."
"Come on."
"Nope."
I glare. "What, you think we're gonna fall in love and you'll be the asshole who betrayed his trust?"
"Exactly," he grins. "I'm not risking getting called a traitor when you two eventually make out and then you start crying in his arms or some shit."
I shove him harder. "Fuck you, Lo."
He chuckles. "Hey, I'm just playing the long game."
"Well, play a different game," I snap. "Because that one's not happening. Not now. Not ever."
"Whatever you say, cousin."
I know what that look means. He doesn't believe me.
I feel Lorenzo shift beside me. Then I feel his eyes on me.
"So…" he starts, voice casual. "If you're really not into Rava…"
I turn my head slightly, just enough to catch his smirk out of the corner of my eye.
"…mind if I shoot my shot?"
My jaw locks. He shrugs, still staring at the sky like he didn't just drop a bomb.
"I mean, if you're so sure there's nothing there. He's cute. Smart. Got that whole forbidden fruit vibe going."
I sit up halfway and look at him. "What?!" I snap.
He lifts his brows. "What? You don't want him. Waste not, you know?"
"You're not good for Rava," I shoot back without thinking.
"Oh?" he says. "Since when do you know what's good for Rava, hm?"
I flop back onto the ground, staring at the sky. "I don't know," I mutter. "But I know it's definitely not you. Also, what the hell do you mean, 'forbidden fruit'?" I add, turning my head toward him. "What do you know?"
He shrugs. "I know everything. Should I go?"
"Yeah. Sure. Go. If you want him that bad, go for it."
"Really? Can you really picture me and him together?"
"Go for it," I mutter. "Knock yourself out."
Even I can hear the venom in my voice.
Lorenzo chuckles. "Nah. Wouldn't be worth it."
I glance at him again. "Why not?"
He exhales smoke slowly.
"Because the man's already somewhere else. Emotionally, mentally… whatever. He's pretty fucked up."
I sit up again. "Jesus, just tell me what he said. Did he say anything about me?"
"I told you, man. It's private."