Chapter 14
Grace
Ahatred I’d never experienced before welled inside my body, threatening to swallow me whole.
From my upbringing, I’d been taught to be kind and courteous, to show people respect and offer forgiveness wherever possible.
Kai was right; our upbringing was a load of dung.
How absolutely hypocritical all those teachings were.
It was as if I’d had blinders removed and I was seeing everything I’d experienced in the harsh light of day.
I was seeing the truth, and it was disgusting.
Although I resented my parents and detested my brother, I had never truly hated them.
I didn’t like them—at all—but I’d never had this bone-deep loathing for them.
Not in the way I now loathed Kai’s father.
I’d thought my father was bad, hiding behind the church’s teachings as a way to justify his actions towards me and my sister, but Malachi’s father deserved a special place in hell, just for him.
How could a father violate their own son like that?
I had no words. Kai was a million times stronger than I ever knew.
“I’m so thankful you escaped,” I whispered into the silence.
“Hmm.”
“I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I’m always here if you need to talk.” He needed to know that what he’d told me changed nothing. If anything, it had the love and compassion inside me soaring to new heights.
This man, who’d suffered truly horrific things as a teen, escaped and served his country, where he lost a leg and I’m sure experienced other trauma, was still standing today, and was able to share even a little of his heart with me. I felt truly honored. Kai was incredible.
We sat like that, snuggled together on the couch by the fire, just breathing each other in. In his embrace, I found peace, calmness settling into my bones. I never wanted this moment to end.
The feeling of safety and contentment was not one I was used to.
I’d only felt glimpses of it in my teen years with Kai, but having it here with Kai as adults, it was nearly overwhelming.
It was freeing and scary and exhilarating all at the same time.
I knew Kai would never hurt me, but I’d been living on edge in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety for so long, I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I rarely trusted myself or that I was free to enjoy all this.
Deep down, my intuition screamed at me that this was all a dream, all too perfect, and that I would lose it all when I least expected it. I shivered at the thought.
“You, okay?” Kai rubbed my arms as he held me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” My fear was irrational. No one knew where I was, and Kai was as good and honest as they came, so it was no wonder I’d think he was too good to be true.
“How about I make us some dinner?” I said as I rose from the couch and made my way back into the kitchenette.
“You cook?” Kai’s eyes widened in surprise. “I mean, you want to cook for me? Us? Here?”
His fumbling was adorable, and I couldn’t help but smile. I had to walk back over and kiss his sweet lips.
“Of course, I cook. You know what roles we were each bred to fill,” I reminded him, rolling my eyes. “But I don’t mind cooking and would love to cook for you.” I kissed his scruffy cheek and watched his face blush as he glanced up at me, looking delightfully flustered.
He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “As much as I’d love that, I’m not sure I have anything to cook.”
“Well, let’s take a look, shall we?” I pulled him up and handed him his crutches before we headed back to the kitchenette. A peek in the fridge revealed he wasn’t kidding. There was beer, sparse sandwich fixings, and some milk and creamer.
“You weren’t joking,” I said absentmindedly as I shifted things around, hoping for something, but there was nothing. “Do you think they have stuff at the main ranch house? Or is that stuff we’re not supposed to touch?”
“You really want to cook that badly? I don’t know; I’ve never asked.
” He shifted to lean on the counter and rubbed a hand over his sharp jaw.
“I don’t even know who does all the cooking over there.
The food just sort of appears, and I’m too busy with work and exhausted from chores to think much about it.
It’s probably Ev or Maisie. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we needed something or if you wanted to cook in the ranch house. This kitchen is kinda tiny.”
The shy smile he sent me made my heart flutter.
“Well, it can’t hurt to ask. Let’s go see.” We headed for the door, and I put on my coat, scarf and gloves. “Are you okay with the crutches? I’m sure I could fit your chair in the trunk if you’d prefer.”
“Crutches are fine.” He placed his large hand on my shoulder, turning me to face him. His mesmerizing cobalt eyes swirled with so many emotions that I couldn’t decipher them all. “Thank you.”
Now it was my turn to blush. “It’s no problem. I want to help, but please let me know if I overstep or say or do something wrong.”
“You’re doing fine. Just keep being you.” He kissed my cheek and grabbed a thick red beanie before placing it on my head, over my still damp hair. “Can’t have you getting cold on me.”
And with that, we made our way out to my car.
“How many people live on the ranch?” I was curious now. Kai had shown me different parts, and it had been a whirlwind tour, so I couldn’t really take it all in. “Isn’t this a holiday destination with guest stays? Isn’t there a restaurant or chow hall or something?”
“We closed the guest ranch for the season to do repairs and upgrades. Now it’s my old unit, Ev, Maisie, Gramps and Everly, and three ranch hands that live on site.
So that’s twelve, but Ev, Maisie, Ollie and Everly, and Gramps live in the main house.
But we have so many workers, and they rotate so regularly, I’m not sure how many there are at any given time. ”
The drive to the ranch house was so short, Kai hadn’t even finished speaking before I was pulling into the circular driveway and parking.
I hurried around to open the passenger door, hoping I wasn’t overstepping.
Kai moved his crutches with an ease of familiarity as we made our way up to the front door.
I shifted from foot to foot, feeling nervous about invading Everett’s home.
Kai didn’t seem to notice as he pushed open the door and hollered a greeting.
“This way.” He encouraged me to follow when no one greeted back. “He might be out or not finished with work.”
“I guess running a ranch is a twenty-four seven thing. It is not possible to have the weekends off when there’re horses and animals to look after.” I smiled as I followed him into the kitchen and gasped.
This kitchen was a thing of beauty. It was huge, with an eight-burner stove and side-by-side double ovens; my mind raced at all the things I could cook and create here.
There was an extra-large kitchen island with a rustic polished wooden bench and eight chairs around the back of it.
The fridge looked like something out of a sci-fi movie and was bigger than any standard fridge I’d ever seen.
The entire kitchen was an open plan with so much space between the island and dark gray cabinetry along the walls and sides.
You could fit every kind of appliance you’d ever need in this kitchen and still have space left.
Marble countertops finished the look and complemented the wood and stone design of the house.
“I could live in this kitchen,” I sighed, awe clear in my voice as I ran my fingertips over the smooth polished wood. “It’s amazing.”
“I’m glad you think so. I’ll see where Ev’s at and see what we can nick.” He sent me a wink as he brought his phone to his ear.
I continued to inspect the kitchen as I only half listened to the phone call.
One thing I’d truly missed since leaving was baking.
Cain had never let me bake, said it would make me fat, and he couldn’t have a fat and ugly wife.
The things he said about my body, and how he controlled the amount of food I could eat—even though I did all the cooking—still affected me.
He’d even put a padlock on the fridge, even if it meant he’d have to eat dinner late because I couldn’t have it ready for him when he got home.
He didn’t care as long as he could enforce his control over me. Who did that?
His hatred and vile words had crawled into my brain and set up shop, vilifying my relationship with food, and I was still trying to untangle his voice from my issues with food. It was one of the many things Levi was helping me with.
I was so caught up in my memories that when Kai stepped up behind me and touched my shoulder, I jumped and cowered away before I could stop myself.
Cain’s not here.
You’re safe.
You’re free.
“Gracie?” The pain in Kai’s voice broke through my mind more than my own mantras did. My gaze snapped to his.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered.
Kai’s hand caressed my cheek, closing the gap between us. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I scared you. You know I’d never hurt you, right?”
“My reaction wasn’t about you.” He’d shared his truth with me, so maybe it was time I shared a little more of mine with him.
With a deep inhalation, I steeled myself.
“Cain used to control my food. I was forbidden to bake, and he’d put a padlock on the fridge and pantry so I couldn’t access them while he was at work.
He left ‘rations’ for me, and that was all I could eat each day.
When faced with a kitchen like this, I’m overwhelmed by all I could do and create, but he’s still here, still in my head.
His hatred still whispers to me, and I hate it.
If I eat too much, I feel sick. I hate how he’s still controlling me even when he’s not here. ”
Tears were trailing silently down my cheeks. I’d come so far, but still had a way to go. I hated that he and my mother still haunted my thoughts and could still affect me so much.