33
I need to walk and walk and walk. Even if it doesn’t matter.
Because it won’t fix me.
Nothing will.
The night air is humid, the mountains tall and looming, stars like white stones in the sky.
The feet of my walker drag the earth, over pebbles and gravel and weeds.
Walking the edge of the highway like it’s a tightrope.
Too close, too dangerous. Every so often, a car or a truck rushes by, leaving me in the whip of the wind.
My thigh trembles with the movement, but I force myself onward, as quick as I can go, as painful as it is.
I have to move. I have to keep going. Because if I stop, the bad thoughts take over.
The roaring in my ears builds like a cyclone. I fucked up. Unforgivable, what I said to Ruby, to Reese, to my family. I was a raging witch, uncaring about anyone I hurt. A monster like Aiden.
Why?
Why can’t I get over this, over him?
Because he hurt you , a voice says. He took advantage, he lied, he made you weak .
Weak. The word sends my insides into a tailspin.
Weak because I can’t ride.
Weak because I can’t let anyone in.
I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out, from the anger that bubbled and churned in my veins.
The muscles in my bad leg protest, the ache in my hip like dry ice.
I deserve the pain.
I deserve worse.
Adrenaline crackles inside me at the whizz of traffic at my back. My walker bravely tackles the high grass along the side of the road. If I could, I’d let my soul hitch a ride and go someplace far and away.
But a small voice inside me reminds me, You already tried that didn’t you? And how did that work out for you?
My vision blurs.
Failed. I failed.
I lost.
“Fallon.” A rough voice behind me. “Fallon, wait.”
Shame crashes into me. I gasp but keep moving. A big hand grazes my shoulder. And then there’s Wyatt, his warm, steady presence coming out of the dark and into the glare of the headlights.
“Fallon, are you fucking insane? Where are you going?”
Vision blurring, I stumble over a rock, surge forward. “Go away, Wyatt.”
“You’re drunk, Fallon, and you’re unsteady. You’re gonna get hit.”
I fight past the burning in my eyes. “Good. I deserve it.”
“Don’t fucking say that.” His hand grabs my elbow.
I jerk away from him. “Leave me alone.”
“Please, Trouble. Move away from the side of the road. Please.”
The break in his rugged voice stops me. Stops my heart. Slowly, I turn to look at him.
He stands with a hand out, as if he can shield me from the cars, then quietly, he says, “If you get hurt, I’ll never forgive myself.”
Forgive
Forgive
Forgive
I wish I could.
“No more running, Fallon. I won’t let you.” He moves closer, stones clicking beneath his boots. “I’m here, okay? I’m here. Let me help you.”
It’s Wyatt and the kindness in his eyes. Something shatters inside of me.
My fingers fall from the walker, too weak to hold myself up any longer. I collapse to my knees in the wet grass, cover my face in my hands, and weep.
Gut-wrenching, animal-like sounds I haven’t heard since my mother left.
I weep for everything. For the way I treated Ruby, for my mother who’s never returned for her little girl, for my dreams gone to ash, but mostly, for myself.
A weight beside me, steady and warm. “Fallon.”
“ Don’t .” I thrash my head. “Don’t touch me.”
“Why?”
“I’m awful.” It’s unbearable, the gentle way he holds me. His kindness.
Fingertips on my cheek. “You’re not awful.”
I shudder into my hands. “I am.”
Words build on my tongue, shrieking to get out. The guilt buried so deep in my fucking guts erupts until I’m a mess a torrent of tears, of words.
“Aiden,” I whisper.
Wyatt tenses.
“Aiden hurt me. He hurt my sister. My father. He came into my life because I let him. Because I was stupid and didn’t see.”
“That’s not your fault.” Wyatt’s voice is pained, choked.
“It is.” I nod into my hands, bow lower. “I didn’t see what he was. I should have seen it—I should have done something . I didn’t fight hard enough—I didn’t—”
I break down, sobbing into my palms.
Wyatt’s arms surround me, strong and safe. He pulls me into his lap, tucks me tight against his chest. “Get it out, baby. All of it.”
Words I’ve never admitted to anyone tear from my lungs. “I was weak. I was stupid.” I let out a wrenching cry. “I can only imagine what you thought of me.”
Voice laced with pain, he says, “I wanted to kill the man who hurt you. I wanted to fucking blow up the world when he took you from me. But not once did I ever think you weak or stupid.” Wyatt’s big hand strokes my hair. “You’re strong. And tough. And you survived.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I weep in his arms, holding on to him for dear life. “I hear Aiden at night, what he said. I feel him, his hands on my body, his words in my ear, those binds on my wrists.”
Wyatt freezes.
I hang on to him tighter, feel the racing of his heart against mine. “I let him touch me. I let a man like that, who did awful things to my sister, touch me.” As I ramble on, I’m reminded it’s not just a story I’m telling. It actually happened to me. “I had to leave. You, Koty. My father.”
“Baby, why?” The way his question catches in his chest tells me he’s been waiting for this for a very long time.
“I didn’t want to be a burden. I knew you were looking out for me. I almost got you hurt.” I shudder at the memory. “Every time I rode those bulls, I hoped they’d kill me.”
Wyatt swears.
I pull back from his chest, finding his eyes wet and pained. “And you know what the worst fucking part about it all is?”
“What?”
I inhale a deep breath. “I didn’t want Aiden. I wanted you.”
Shock crosses his handsome face before turning to something heated and hungry. “You have me,” he says, clutching the back of my head to press a kiss to my brow. “Do you hear me? You have me, Fallon.”
“No.” I whimper, shaking my head. “You’re too good. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.” More words fight their way out of me. I squeeze my eyes shut. “Any of you. Especially after what I just said. I deserve nothing.”
The world around us quiets, the dark seeming to even listen.
Finally, Wyatt’s rasp shatters the silence.
“Look at me,” he orders fiercely, and I do. He grips my chin. “You deserve everything good and beautiful, Fallon. You deserve wild horses and sunsets. And you deserve me.” He grins. “Hell, we deserve each other. Too reckless, too stupid.”
I choke on a sob, smile through my tears. “I’m too broken.”
“We’re all broken, but you don’t need to be fixed.” He strokes a callused thumb over my cheekbone, swiping away my tears. “Baby, you are the toughest cowgirl I know. You’ve been tryin’ to heal all this time, but it won’t work if you push us away. Let us in. That’s how you heal, Trouble.”
Wyatt leans down until our brows touch.
A warmth spreads inside of me. Like broken pieces of myself being filled with gold.
“Don’t push me away,” he murmurs.
I clutch at his broad shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
He chuckles, the deep sound rumbling through his chest to mine. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? I’m not goin’ anywhere. You have me as long as you want me.”
I stare up at him, this man who’s been there for me, who’s never walked away, even when I raged. Who’s always been patient and kind. A sure and true cowboy. A cowboy who stays.
In his bottomless blue eyes, a plea. A promise. I read it so loud and clear it nearly steals the breath from my lungs.
God. What is this? What are we?
Suddenly, I ache to know. Ache for him.
“Yes,” I say, knotting my hands in his shirt. “I want you.”
“Good,” he says, his handsome face sobering. “Because if it ain’t you, Fallon, it’s no one.”
And then he kisses me, heat building between us like a bonfire, and that bomb that exploded inside of me is no more.