Chapter 15
CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
Rain
I just got home ten minutes ago, and already Ridge’s absence is felt. I am so used to him already being here when I get here. I don’t think I have ever truly been alone in this place. It feels weird without him. Empty.
I’ve been here alone without him before and been just fine, so why is today different?
When did I come to rely on his companionship so much?
It’s not only that. Ridge is out doing club business, and while I have lived with this my whole life, I never truly had to experience it like this.
I know I shouldn’t be worried, but I am.
By the time I was old enough to understand what the club life meant, my dad had already given up going on runs and doing the dangerous stuff.
The club understood. He had a small child he had to provide for.
One that would have nobody should he die.
So he stayed close to home when the others would ride away.
I would still see it, though. The fear in the old ladies’ eyes as they watched their men drive away. The anxiousness every time something would go wrong. The restlessness during every lockdown.
I thought I knew what being with a biker entailed, but it didn’t truly sink in until tonight. Until I was that woman waiting for her man to come home. Waiting for any indication that something went wrong.
I don’t know why I thought I could do this.
Picking up my phone, I dial Aspen.
“Hey, what’s up?” she answers.
“How do you handle him being gone?” I spit out.
She chuckles. “I take it Ridge is with Wolf on whatever adventure they have set out on?”
“I guess so, yeah. I thought it was fine, but now I’m at home by myself, and it feels so empty. My nerves are shot waiting for my phone to ding, letting me know he’s okay or worse, dead. I don’t think I’m built for this,” I admit.
“Breathe,” she tells me. “In for four and out for another four. They are going to be fine. Our men know what they are doing. This is the life they chose, and we chose to live it with them. They don’t need us freaking out over every little thing.”
“I get that, but how? How are you so calm?” I ask.
She sucks in a breath. “I think it might be a little different for me. Wolf and I went through something terrible together. We trauma-bonded in a way that should have never happened, but it did. We grew from that place. So when he is out on his rides, I worry, but I know he is capable of taking care of himself because he saved me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you go back there,” I say softly.
“Nonsense. It happened. It’s part of my life. I’m done shying away from it. Maybe we should add Maggie to this call. Give me a second.”
The line goes silent as I chew on my lip. I get what she said. She trusts her man. Do I trust mine?
Yes. I do.
Still, that fear is there.
The fear that something could happen to him. That I could truly end up alone.
When Maggie comes on the line, I have myself on the brink of a panic attack.
“Hey, Rain. You doing okay, honey?” Maggie asks.
“No. I am freaking out, and I need someone to talk me off a ledge,” I hiss out.
“Okay, then let me tell you something. As an old lady, people think we should be tough. We can’t show emotions.
We cannot feel fear. That’s not true, though.
We feel all of those things, and guess what?
It’s natural. We are only human. When Panther goes out, I worry the entire time he is gone.
He is the president. He is arguably the biggest target in the club.
What if someone takes a shot at him? I could lose him. Then where would that leave me?”
She is echoing my own feelings, making my own panic crawl under my skin.
“Is that supposed to help?” Aspen asks.
“Let me finish.” Maggie sighs. “We are allowed to feel those things, but our men need us to be strong. If they think that we are sitting here suffering, it would not only distract them on the run, but it might mean they don’t want to go in the first place.
We need them to have their minds in the game.
So we send them out the door with a kiss and a ‘Be safe.’ Then we sit here, and we distract ourselves.
I’ve taken up crocheting. While he is gone, I put on a mindless show, and I crochet.
Or I meet up with you guys. Or I go shopping.
Anything to keep my mind off what he might be doing.
Then, when he comes home, I show him how much I appreciate him being home. ”
I take a deep breath in and think about what she’s said.
“What do you do, Aspen? When he’s gone?” I ask.
“I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess Maggie is right. I play video games until he gets home. I don’t think I realized I was distracting myself, but I guess I was.”
“Okay, so I need a hobby. Not reading. I’ve been trying that, and my mind can’t focus,” I mutter.
“Do you want us to come over? I really don’t mind,” Maggie offers.
It’s right there on the tip of my tongue. I want to say, “Yes, come save me from this.” I don’t, though, because they are right.
If I want to be with Ridge long term, then I need to figure this out for myself.
“No. I think I will go to the store and see if anything speaks to me. Thank you, though,” I tell them.
“Anytime,” Maggie says.
“What she said,” Aspen adds.
As we hang up, I grab my keys. There is something I have always enjoyed doing. Could it be my hobby to keep my mind off things?
I guess we will find out.
I only hope Ridge doesn’t think I’ve lost it when he comes home to see what a mess I’ve made.
Ridge
“Thanks for the help, brother. We appreciate you getting us up here safely,” Hudson, one of the leaders for the Devil’s Den, says as he shakes my hand.
Being the senior brother on this trip, I am in charge. So far, everything has gone well. I still have that feeling in my gut, though, so I won’t let my guard down until I’m back home.
“Anytime. It was a pleasure riding with you. Catch you later,” I tell him.
He nods as he heads off toward his guys. I do the same.
“Good job. You all did well,” I tell them.
I can see the way Jimmy takes the compliment and puffs his chest out a bit.
“It’s not over yet, though. We still have a few hours’ drive home. Be vigilant. We might not be carrying anything illegal, but you never know what is waiting out there for us,” I tell them.
“Understood,” Wolf says. “I’ll take the back this time. Yak, you ride with the prospect.”
I hide my smile. I know Wolf has some words for the prospect when we get home. He has made some minor mistakes, like falling out of formation and such. Nothing that cannot be taught, though, so I will let Wolf handle the corrections.
We get back on the road, heading home. About an hour into the drive, the hair on the back of my neck stands up. I look in my mirror and see two dark SUVs speeding our way. I don’t speed up. I don’t change anything we are doing. When the lights turn on, I indicate for my brothers to pull over.
I take off my helmet while the others keep theirs on. The man from the SUV approaches.
“Do you know why I am pulling you over?” he asks, full of attitude.
He’s an undercover cop. He isn’t wearing a badge or anything indicating he is police.
“I’m sorry, but who are you? I don’t see a badge or anything telling me who you are,” I tell him.
“You don’t need to know who I am.” His words are hard and cold.
“I’m sorry, but without identification, how am I supposed to know you are even a police officer? Maybe you bought those lights online and are playing cop,” I say casually.
Another man walks up then from the second SUV. “Stand down, Lee.”
The man in front of me looks put out, but steps back and lets the new man take his spot.
“Hello there. I’m Detective Hampton from the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office Gang Division. I wanted to have a little chat with you and your brothers here. How about you follow us down to the station?”
I frown. “You are a bit outside of your jurisdiction, aren’t you? We won’t be in Boulder County for another twenty minutes.”
“We have permission to be here. So will you be following us?” he asks.
“Are we under arrest? If so, I will need to call our lawyer. We don’t speak to cops unless one is present,” I inform him.
“Really? Yet you have one in your midst. Hello, Asher. Nice to see you again. Settling into your assignment well?”
My back steels. He is trying to paint a target on Asher, but he doesn’t know him like we do. There is no way in hell he is playing both sides. Not with the way he loves Aspen.
“Larry, great to see you too,” Wolf replies as he takes off his helmet.
“I really am liking this side of the law much better. A lot less red tape. We really can help people here instead of watching them suffer, all for the good of the many. Nice try, though. I wouldn’t work with you if it was the only thing to keep me alive. ” He snorts.
“Oh, but what if it kept Aspen alive? Or perhaps your sister, Ashley?”
Wolf looks like he is about to get off his bike when Yak speaks up, flipping up his visor, “You could never touch them. See, the difference between us and you is that we actually protect the people we care about, while you exploit them. I wonder what your daughter would say about you threatening innocent women. She is a humanitarian, is she not?”
The officer looks shocked before he tries to hide it. “Is that a threat to my daughter?”
“Whoa, all I asked was what she would think about your actions. I didn’t say I would tell her about them.
Social media might, though. You know, I used to think dash cams were stupid until I realized how much they catch.
I think I’ll post this ride online and make sure it circulates to a certain college.
What do you think, boys?” Yak asks us as if we are part of the decision-making process for him.
Detective Hampton throws a glare his way before turning back to me. “Are you following us or not?”
“Are we under arrest?” I ask.
He shakes his head no.
“There’s your answer. Now, if you are done, we will be leaving.”
Without waiting for him to respond, I put my helmet back on and start my bike. He doesn’t follow us as we take off down the road. By the time we make it back to the clubhouse, my arms are shaking from holding my bike so hard.
“Why don’t you go home. I’ll fill Panther in on what happened,” Wolf tells me.
“You sure?” I ask.
He nods. “Yak is handling Jimmy. I got this. Go see your girl. It was her first time, right?”
I nod.
“Go comfort her then.”
I don’t hesitate. I take off, heading toward the house we share. Once there, I expect to find her in her bed, sleeping. I planned to sneak in and place a kiss on her forehead.
That’s not what I find, though. Instead, I find the kitchen a wreck. There is flour all over the place. It looks like she decided to bake, and from the smell of it, I would have to say it was bread.
Looking around for her, I find her on the couch, slumped down. I lean down to press a kiss to her forehead.
Her eyes blink open as she looks up at me. Then she flings herself up into my arms, holding me tight.
“You’re home.” She breathes a sigh of relief.
It shouldn’t feel good to know she was worried, but it reinforces that there is something between us. Something real.
“I am. Let’s get you to bed,” I whisper, picking her up.
“No. I don’t want to sleep without you. Not tonight. I know I’m supposed to be strong, but I was worried,” she admits.
I look down into her sleepy face and smile.
“I don’t want you to worry because it stresses you out, but you are allowed to worry.”
She sighs. “For tonight, can we just cuddle for a bit?”
I nod. “Sure. Whatever you need.”
I take her into my room and lay her on one side of the bed. Then I go about doing my nightly routine. When I finally crawl into bed, she is already sound asleep.
I keep my distance, not wanting to take too many liberties with her, but I shouldn’t have worried. The moment I’m settled, she moves over to me, resting her head on my chest over my heart. Then she relaxes into me.
This is what it feels like to have a home.
This right here.
I will do everything I can to protect it.