Chapter 22
I didn’t sleep all night. I laid in the darkness, my eyes never leaving Ben. I couldn’t make it make sense—my choice in him. My choice to stay. Regardless, I wrestled the monster within, and I’d lost. I was exhausted, but I was sure.
I wasn’t leaving.
How I could make it work, I didn’t know.
All I could do was take it one day at a time.
One moment at a time. And—for now—my secrets were still my own.
Scorpion was an unknown. He was a wild card.
I knew better than to trust him, but it was possible I wasn’t quite as memorable to him as he was to me.
The last time we saw each other, he’d been doped up.
I could hardly remember a time when I saw him and he wasn’t drunk or on drugs.
His unreliable memory was a flimsy possibility on which to hang my hope, but it was all I had. Maybe I was delusional. Perhaps it was my lack of sleep. Whatever the reason, I wasn’t going to let go.
When Twister began to stir, I closed my eyes, feigning slumber.
Rather than get out of bed right away, I felt the heat of his body as he rolled toward me.
In a touch more delicate than I thought him capable, he grazed his fingertips across my shoulder, tickling the side of my neck before tracing the curve of my jaw.
He then swept the pad of his thumb across my lips before he pressed his own against my temple.
More times than not, he was the one waking me up in order to say goodbye in the mornings. I’d never felt him touch me this way, and it made me wonder how many touches I’d missed while I was sleeping.
I didn’t need another reason to stay—but he just gave me one.
He got up and headed for the bathroom. When I heard him start a shower, I opened my eyes and stared at the rumpled sheets he left behind.
Worn out as I was, I knew there would be no rest for my wicked soul, so I got up.
I searched the floor for the muscle shirt we discarded on the floor hours earlier, using it to cover my nakedness when I found it.
Raking my fingers through my hair, I padded my way out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, headed straight for the coffee maker.
My cup was brewed and I was adding a drop of stevia to the mug when I felt him at my back. He grabbed hold of my shoulders and gave me a squeeze as he pressed his lips to the crown of my head.
“Didn’t expect you to be up,” he mumbled into my hair.
“I—uh—I had a hard time sleeping,” I confessed.
He grunted then urged me to turn in order to face him. Butting a knuckle underneath my chin, he tilted my head back and stared at me with a furrowed brow.
“Thought I fucked that out of you.”
I forced a small smile and replied, “I’ll be fine.”
“Baby, I’ve seen you sleep. No bullshit. Talk to me.”
It was like he thrusted his hand inside of me, grabbed hold of my heart, and squeezed . It was a simple if not earth-shatteringly complicated request. It was also a reminder of who he was—of what we’d become.
He never hid from me.
He never lied to me.
He never hurt me.
Staring up into his beautiful brown eyes, it felt like a knife to the gut to admit how I was the one who couldn’t be trusted. But I wanted to stay. I wanted this thing of ours to be as true as it was real. I wanted to be honest, but I didn’t know how .
“There’s so much you don’t know about me,” I whispered, clutching my mug tightly to my chest. “So much no one knows.”
He quirked an eyebrow at me and replied, “Hate to break it to you, sparky—but this is not news to me.”
I searched his face, afraid of his judgment, and yet I saw nothing but his amusement.
“It isn’t?”
He chuckled softly as he shook his head.
“Not two weeks ago, you told me you used to work a fuckin’ pole.
Won’t soon forget what that jackass I ran out of town did to you when you were a kid, and I’ve had you every which way except for on your back.
Not to mention, I still don’t know why you carry that knife on your hip.
“Ali, I’d have to be a fuckin’ idiot to think there’s not a whole lot about you I’ve yet to learn.”
All at once, I felt as relieved as I was afraid.
Relieved he wasn’t demanding answers.
Afraid one day he would.
A part of me was certain I could never tell him the whole truth.
But there was another part of me—the weakest most reckless part of me—that wanted him to have it all.
He wouldn’t want you if he knew the whole truth, and you know it , taunted the devil within.
I gripped the mug in my hands tighter, keeping my mouth sealed shut. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing at all.
Not surprisingly, this didn’t deter Benson in the slightest.
“Told you last night. I’m not goin’ anywhere. Not in a hurry, either. You’ll tell me when you’re ready. Don’t care how long it takes, nothin’ changes. It’s you and me, Ali. Hell, I’ll be the first to admit, I didn’t see this shit comin’—but we’re solid. Hear me?”
More than anything, I wanted to believe him, so I didn’t argue. Instead, I nodded my reply.
“Good. I gotta go.” He leaned down and pressed a firm kiss against my lips. He didn’t linger but a second before he pulled away and muttered, “See you tonight.”
I nodded once more, and then I watched him go, clinging desperately to every promise he’d ever made me—hoping, against all odds, I wouldn’t have to let him go.
That night, Rodeo and Buck were my company behind the bar. I was running on fumes, which meant any mistakes Buck made flew under the radar. I had only enough energy to worry about keeping my patrons happy until the end of the night.
Two AM couldn’t arrive fast enough.
It didn’t go unnoticed how business seemed a bit slower than usual, the crowd thinner with a lack of Stallions.
Earlier, I didn’t ask Benson for details about how the situation with Scorpion was being handled.
Neither had Rodeo or Buck brought it up in conversation.
In all honesty, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. I simply wanted him to stay away.
But what I wanted and what I got were so rarely the same.
When Scorpion walked in on the cusp of midnight, it felt as though the universe was mocking me.
He approached the bar casually, and I watched as he scanned our faces.
I knew right away he was looking for Mustang.
Upon realizing he wasn’t there—the only brothers on duty too young to hold a grudge against him—he pulled out a barstool and signaled me for service.
So far as I could tell, he’d yet to recognize me.
Apprehensive as I felt, I greeted him as I would any other customer.
“What’ll it be?” I asked, setting a coaster in front of him.
“Heineken.”
I grabbed a chilled glass and poured him a draft. I didn’t look at him as I delivered his order—but he was obviously looking at me.
“Do I know you?” he asked, stopping me in my tracks.
My eyes found his and I tried my damnedest to ignore the pounding of my pulse in my ears as I replied, “I don’t know. Do you?”
There was a bite to my words I couldn’t hold back. As a slow smile spread across his face, I knew then and there I’d given myself away. He remembered me, and the truth felt like a battering ram knocking down the flimsy safeguards I’d erected around my hope.
I turned away from him, in search of a task to busy my hands. Yet, nothing could block out the voice in my head telling me I was fucked.
Scorpion sat at the bar until last call. I did my best to avoid him, and he didn’t go out of his way to get my attention, but I knew that meant nothing. He couldn’t be trusted. Worse, he held all the power. He knew my darkest secrets. He could open his fat mouth, and I would lose everything.
You’ll lose everything anyway .
I tried to shake the thought away, but it was no use. I couldn’t reason my way out of the truth. Scorpion would either expose me or exploit me. I would have been a fool to assume otherwise. Either way, it would ruin me and the life I’d managed to find.
Fuck—but I thought I had more time.
Six years.
I thought I had at least one more.
I thought I had time to prepare. To decide. To live .
“Hey—you good?” asked Rodeo, yanking me from my thoughts.
I jerked my gaze in his direction and found both him and Buck looking at me.
“What?” I murmured distractedly.
“We’re done, Phoenix. Let’s get out of here.”
“Right. Okay.”
As I headed for the back office to collect my bag, I did so wondering where I would go.
I wanted another night with Ben—but I wasn’t sure that was a luxury I could afford.
Fact of the matter was, so long as Scorpion was around, I wasn’t safe.
It didn’t matter how badly I wanted to stay.
What I wanted never seemed to matter. Not ever.
‘I got you, sparky. You’re safe.’
I thought I could stay. I thought I’d wrestled the monster and lost, but no amount of longing could make me that stupid.
My home, my life, my relationship with Benson was all built on a bed of lies. I wasn’t who everyone thought I was—and when they found out, no one would ever look at me the same.
Ben would never look at me the same.
I couldn’t stand that.
Worse than losing him by choice was losing him to the truth.
I locked up, Rodeo and Buck leaving me behind with a wave.
I lingered by the door, staring across the expanse of the empty parking lot, my boots suddenly heavier than cinderblocks.
I knew, unlike the night before, when I got behind the wheel, there was no telling when I would be back, if ever.
The reality of it was soul crushing in a way nothing ever had been before.
Nothing .
“Was hopin’ I’d catch you.”
I gasped, the sharp, audible sound piercing even to my own ears.
Scorpion came out of the shadows, and my heart began to race as he came toward me.
I knew I should run, but I could barely breathe.
It was like his presence, his awareness of me, was debilitating—chipping away at the Phoenix in me, exposing the weakest version of Ali-Mae I ever was.
“It’s been a long time, Red. Can’t say I spent a lot of it thinkin’ of you while I was locked up, but seein’ you tonight brought it all back. Wild ride like you is hard to forget.”
He came to stand directly in front of me, but I didn’t look up at him. I refused to give him the satisfaction. I gritted my teeth, willing myself not to cower. I was better than that. I wasn’t his to beckon. Not anymore.
“What do you say we find a quiet spot and get reacquainted?”
“No,” I whispered pathetically. “Out me if you want, but I’m not climbin’ on your dick.”
He barked out a laugh, but the sound was off and void of any humor.
Before I could make a move to step around him, he grabbed hold of my chin and jerked my head, forcing me to meet his gaze.
His touch coupled with the sight of his face this close to mine was enough to make me sick—but it was the memories I’d locked away, now more vivid and abhorrent than I remembered, that made bile scale the back of my throat.
“What the fuck?”
I registered Benson’s voice only after he grasped hold of Scorpion’s shoulder and yanked him away from me. In the blink of an eye, he threw a punch and muttered, “Touch her again, and I’ll fuckin’ kill you.”
Scorpion, having lost his balance, stumbled a few steps before he caught himself and laughed.
“Ah, shit.” He turned to face us, grinning in spite of his split lip as he asked, “This one’s yours, huh?
” He wiped at his chin with the back of his palm, smearing a bit of blood onto his hand.
He glanced at it but didn’t seem to care as he quirked an eyebrow at Ben and warned, “Best watch yourself. She’s wicked with a knife. ”
My heart was hammering wildly in my chest when he looked at me and promised, “Don’t worry, Red. Your secret’s safe with me. I did my time. Got no intention of goin’ back.”
I watched him as he walked away, as out of breath as if I was the one sprinting in the opposite direction.
He said exactly what I wanted—no , needed him to say—and yet it wasn’t enough.
I knew better than to trust the likes of him.
Just because he wouldn’t go to the police didn’t mean he wouldn’t tell another Stallion.
“Hey, you okay? What was that about?” asked Ben.
I looked up at him, still short of breath, and I was pierced by a revelation so startling, I couldn’t speak. It was like his genuine concern for me turned my world upside down. Except, instead of everything toppling over in confusion, I saw things for what they were. I saw me through his eyes.
It was in that moment when I understood the monster I wrestled all night wasn’t a monster at all. It was me . It was my heart. Battered, bruised, and riddled with cracks—but unrelenting and fiercely determined to hang on to one thing and one thing only.
He was handsome and wild. Rugged but gentle. Honest and safe.
Benson was everything I didn’t know I wanted and leaving him was going to rip my heart out.
I thought, maybe, when the time came, the end of us would break me—but I’d been broken before. I knew how to put myself back together.
This was not going to be that.
I stood there, staring at the best man I’d ever known, aware this was the end. Not merely the end of us but the end of me . The real me. The me he let me be.
“Baby?”
He reached for me, but I was quick to step away.
I had to get out of there. I didn’t have a choice.
“I have to go,” I managed to whisper before I started across the parking lot.
I didn’t get far before he caught my elbow.
“Ali, wait?—”
Wrenching my arm loose, I caught his brown eyes and cried, “I’m not Ali, okay? Not anymore! I thought I could be but—” The knot lodged in my throat made it difficult to speak, but I choked out my next words the best I could. “Don’t follow me.”
He furrowed his brow in confusion, but when I turned for my Bronco and hurried across the lot, he didn’t trail after me. With each step I took, I felt my heart being torn from my chest. The pain was almost unbearable, and I still couldn’t fucking breathe.
I wanted him to ignore me. I wanted him to chase me. I wanted him to fight for his Ali-Mae—but the stupid bastard always listened.
‘Respect I’ve got for you goes deep.’
He was going to give me the space I demanded.
He was going to give me the time to sort my shit.
He just didn’t know that by the time he was done waiting…I’d be gone.