Chapter 16 Ben
sixteen
Ben
James has had his own life running like a top while I’ve been having a life crisis. We haven’t had a guys’ night in what feels like forever, and I needed this.
James pushes the container of sweet-and-sour chicken my way. Our Chinese food sits in various containers across the coffee table, and we’re eating directly from the containers. It’s a habit we developed when neither of us wanted to do dishes, and it’s just never left.
“So…you’re still seeing Brandon?”
James nods and sets his dish aside. “Yeah, he, ah…asked me to move in with him.”
“What!” My mouth drops open as he nods. “James, I’m so happy for you!” He beams a smile at me, and I truly am happy. He deserves someone in his life to treat him like the gem that he is.
“Thanks, Ben. But I told him I’d think about it. I can’t leave until you get settled.” He holds up a hand when I open my mouth. “And before you protest, I already spoke to Brandon about it, and he agrees. He doesn’t want to put stress on you.”
“You can’t put your life on hold for me. Say yes. I’ll figure it out.” No way in hell am I letting my best friend pass up happiness because I haven’t found a place of my own and keep living on his couch like it’s college. “Could I just take over this lease?”
James shakes his head. “I asked if I could sublet, and it’s specifically in the lease that I can’t. When I give notice, they’ll need a new lease, and the rent will go up too. They have renovations planned.”
“Of course it couldn’t be that easy,” I huff.
“We’ve got time to figure it out. Don’t stress it.”
Reaching for the container of noodles, I let this information from James sink in and share with him what’s been going on with me.
“I’ve been spending a lot of time with Lukas, as you know.”
“I know.” He grins and picks up the beef and broccoli.
“Is it…Do you think we’re both moving too fast? You met Brandon at the same time I met Lukas. Does it feel weird to be moving in and having…feelings?”
James munches and cocks his head as he considers. “No. Not to me. I know myself, and I trust my gut. It may be quick, but I’ve never connected to anyone like I have with Brandon. Things don’t have time limits for me. If it feels right, then it’s right.”
I’ve never thought of it that way. Mind you, I’ve never really given myself a chance to examine feelings or even form them. I moved on, or the other person moved on, and nothing ever lasted. I didn’t dwell on it. It was just the way it happened.
But Lukas has been different since I met him upside down in the bar.
Not a single thing about our relationship has been like any other I’ve had.
We’re progressing the same way we met—upside down and backwards.
The attraction, sex, dates, and the way I miss him fiercely now that he’s on the road all seem out of order to form an actual relationship.
“Lukas asked me to stay before he left on this road trip. He asked me to water his plants and said I could stay there if I wanted. Then we had the most tender and mind-blowing sex. He ran me a bath after, James. A fucking bath.” I shouldn’t be so stuck on that, but it was the way he went about it that just made me feel like I was special.
“I joked, of course, and asked him if he wanted something, and all he said was for me to stay.”
Just one simple sentence delivered in a way that felt more like a confession than a request. He was simply stating what he wanted because I asked, and his answer left me speechless.
“You like him more than you thought, don’t you? The speed of the connection has taken you by surprise, and you doubt whether it’s real. Maybe you’re not taking enough time to weigh the pros and cons?”
He’s not my best friend for nothing.
“You know me so well.” I poke at the dish of mixed vegetables. “I want to say yes, but part of me thinks it’s just infatuation with someone new or the great sex. How can I feel so much for him in such a short time? How do I know he won’t get bored?”
James raises an eyebrow and steals the mixed vegetables from me. He stabs a carrot before handing the dish back. “You aren’t even close to being boring to Ben, and you need to trust him, too. He’s taking a huge leap by asking you to stay. He might even have the same questions himself.”
I trust Lukas. He’s so genuine, and his teammates look up to him.
I’ve only met a few of them, but there’s nothing but respect for him.
He’s a good man, even if he punches people on the ice sometimes.
Honestly, don’t we all wish we could punch the people we work with some days? He’s living the dream.
He loves plants, for god’s sake, and sentimental stuff that I’d normally scoff at. Lukas is not a bad guy. In fact, he’s so good I know he fits my life in the best way.
“I think I could fall for him,” I say before shoving a piece of chicken in my mouth.
James smiles. “I know you can, and if you feel like you’re on the edge, then fall, Ben. Fall fucking hard, and if he catches you, the reward will be the best damn feeling.”
“What if he doesn’t catch me?”
“Then you pick up your pieces, call me, and we’ll talk shit about him until you feel better.” He sets the rice aside and reaches for my hand. “If it doesn’t work out, then you have no regrets for trying, right?”
“Right.”
Everything James says makes sense, and I know he’s right, but I’d rather drop from an aerial silk without a safety net than take this leap.
“Can I tell you about Brandon now? Is your mini-crisis over?”
“I’m such a shit friend.” Setting aside the food, I focus entirely on James. “I would love for you to tell me about him.”
And he does. James tells me what the two of them have been up to while I’ve been wrapped up in Lukas, and my smile grows bigger the longer he talks.
“Wait. Are you telling me the guy is a cowboy!?”
James nods as he finishes clearing the coffee table, and I open a bottle of wine. Our second tonight.
“Well, kinda? He helps run a ranch here, but he wears boots and a hat, and he rides a fucking horse!” James laughs, wild and free as he bounces on the couch next to me and takes the offered glass.
I’ve never seen him this happy. Not even the day we graduated.
“He may have hinted that he owns chaps because he used to do rodeo, and I may have asked if he could wear them naked.”
“Oh my god, James,” I half groan and half laugh.
“He has a great ass. It’s a fantasy.” He shrugs as he takes a drink from a glass. “A fantasy I will see to fruition, my friend. I won’t fail when I’m so close to the prize.”
He snorts, and the two of us are giggling like kids while trying not to spill our wine as we talk like we did in high school. We talk about hot cowboys and athletes, men who have passed us over and how we wish them an eternity of uncomfortable beds and itchy balls.
Not sure when we opened a third bottle of wine, but I won’t regret tomorrow’s hangover.
“I’m gonna call Brandon. Do you mind?”
“Fuck no, but why don’t you just ask him over instead?”
His brows knit, and he reaches over, clumsily squeezing my cheeks together. “Because I’m here with you, Benny. We’re catching up and sharing shit. Talking about love and drinking wine.” His eyes dart to the table where the empty bottles sit. “Wow. We drank a lot of wine.”
“We did, and it’s okay to call him over. I want to sleep in Lukas’s bed, anyway.”
James releases my cheeks and nods. “I love you like a best friend, Ben.”
“I am your best friend.”
He nods as if it’s the wisest thing he’s ever heard. “Right. I meant I love you like a brother. You’re my best friend—like a brother.”
I burst out laughing as James frowns, mumbling that it doesn’t sound right either. “I love you, too, but call the man over. I’ll call an Uber.”
James already has his phone to his ear as I order myself a ride. My smile is genuine as I listen to my best friend speak far too loudly into the phone to the man he’s obviously falling in love with.
And I want that too.
“James.” He holds a finger up to the phone that Brandon can’t see and turns to me. “My ride is here. Thank you for tonight.” We hug, and I grab the phone from his hand.
“Brandon? Hi, it’s Ben. I’m leaving now, and you should come over to take care of James. He needs a greasy breakfast in the morning, and he’ll whine that he drank too much, but he’ll want to snuggle all day.”
James grabs the phone from me. “Text me when you’re home, you brat.”
“I will.”
I slip out and take the single flight of stairs outside, where the Uber waits for me. The driver isn’t chatty, and if he were, I’d likely not answer with all the wine-fuelled thoughts in my head.
He drops me off at Lukas’s building, and once I’m in his apartment, this odd warmth settles over me. I’m not so drunk that I pissed myself, but I check anyway. Confirming the warmth isn’t something physical, I flop on Lukas’s couch and pull out my phone.
After texting James that I’m home safe, I check Lukas’s plants. As I fill the watering can, my lips spread as an idea forms. After changing into my favourite sheer thong undies, I find my tripod I use at the studio for filming my routines and rejoice at my foresight to bring it to Lukas’s.
After setting it up, my fashion shoot with plants begins, and I don’t waste any time before texting them to Lukas with a single warning line.
‘Only open when alone.’
Then I fire off the four best pics, one with each plant, and hope he gets to see them before he’s on the bus home. As the hours pass, I guess I missed my window, and he’s already on the bus. I climb into bed, but then get back out and rifle through his closet.
After slipping into one of his sweaters, I feel better, and my eyes drift closed. My phone is still nearby, though. If he texts, I don’t want to miss it.
The next time I open my eyes, it’s because my phone is ringing, and without looking at the caller, I answer.
“’Lo.”
“Ben?”
“Mmhm.”
“It’s Christine.”
My eyes fly open, fully awake now. “Hey, I’m not quite awake. What’s up?”
“It’s not on your schedule, but with the team’s recent road trip success, we’re organizing a welcome home rally at the rink tomorrow afternoon. 3 P.M. Would you be able to be there?”
My wine-fogged brain recalls my schedule, and while it’s not what I want to do, I can’t really say no.
“It’ll be tight, but I can be. What would be expected of me there?”
“Just your presence this time. Welcome the team home and get the fans excited.”
That shouldn’t be hard. I’m already excited to see Lukas.
My phone pings with a text. And another.
“Yeah, I can be there.” I was going to be there as a boyfriend, but it’s not like I can say no and then turn up out of costume.
“Thanks, Ben.”
She doesn’t even say goodbye. Just hangs up the phone. Which is fine because more texts come in, and it’s all Lukas.
Lukas: Holy hell, Ben.
Lukas: Again with the barely there underwear. I love it.
Lukas: Text me. I don’t understand your voice note.
Lukas: I’m home tomorrow, baby. Fuck, I miss you, and you’ve made this road trip harder and easier at the same time.
My heart rate goes wacky, and I’m pretty sure I have a dopey grin on my face, but I don’t remember sending a voice note. Yet there it is in our text thread, and I hit play to hear myself drunk babbling about burnt toast, handstands, and plant dads.
Jesus, I was messier than I thought.
Ben: Can I call you?
Lukas doesn’t wait and calls me instead.
“Are you hungover?”
I huff a laugh. “Not overly. I’m sorry for the message. I’m not even sure what I was trying to say except…I miss you.”
That’s only a small lie. I’m pretty sure I was trying to tell him I wanted to raise more plants with him and share burnt toast. I’ll have to unpack that by myself later. Missing him, though? That’s the truth.
“I miss you, too. And I stored those photos on my phone. Very motivating.”
My chest puffs. “Yeah? I’m quite proud of my creativity, and no plants were harmed in the photos.”
Lukas laughs, and I close my eyes, letting the brief sound of it bathe me.
“I trust you with them. I had no doubt. I’ll be home tomorrow, and the first thing I want to do is kiss you. Fuck, I miss kissing you.”
The way he says that makes me breathless, like I’m already lost in a kiss with him while he's still hours away.
“I can’t wait. Oh, did they tell you about the welcome home rally? I just had a call from Christine.”
“Not yet. What’s going on?”
After relaying the same info Christine gave me, Lukas sighs. It’s drenched in disappointment.
“So the first time I see you, I can’t even touch you.”
“I know. It’s not how I wanted to welcome you home at all.”
My way definitely didn’t include a beaver suit and a crowd of people. But I rearranged a few classes to be free that evening, so at least we have that.
“If I weren’t about to board the bus, I’d ask you for a more detailed answer of how you’ll welcome me home.”
“Oh, is there no Wi-Fi on board?”
Lukas laughs softly. “I have to sit next to someone. Please don’t send any more naked photos until I’m home.”
Laughing, I send him the one I took just before bed with the warning of incoming. “Too late.”
Lukas growls, and it’s just the way I want him when he gets back. Sexually frustrated and ready to maul me.
“Ben, I swear…”
“That you’ll fuck me into next week when you get home?”
“You have no idea.”
“Lukas?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t wait to find out.”