Chapter 3
My back slammed against the rough wooden frame of our apartment door, my chest heaving with weighted breath as I inhaled the familiar scent of safety.
A smell that now made me sick with guilt.
I bolted to the waste can, finally expelling the contents of my stomach, retching until there was nothing left.
How had I let myself escalate to the point of such chaos? Why couldn’t I hold onto control long enough to remove myself from the situation? Were they dead? Did I kill them? They certainly didn’t look alive with blood gushing from their eyes. Wonderful, Fia, you’ve sealed your fate now.
You’re a fucking murderer.
And I had been seen . Would I even make it through the night without the Sídhe military breaking down my door?
Did I deserve to? It was only a matter of time.
The General had let me escape, probably on a high from the cocktail of mind-altering tonics we so graciously provided.
But that high wouldn’t last forever. At some point, he would remember the events of the night.
He would realize it wasn't just a sick hallucination.
And then he would come for me. And I would deserve it .
My mind flipped through every possibility, every option, but each one seemed worse than the last. At the very least, I needed to talk to Osta.
Osta. Esprithe be damned, Fia. The maelstrom of thoughts flooded my mind, and the corners of my eyes began to sting.
What would happen to her? Would they take her away and lock her up?
We were roommates. We were Riftborne. Would they view her as my co-conspirator?
Or punish her just because of her association with me?
Salty tears streamed down my face as each question struck my mind like a poisoned arrow.
I crawled to the battered sofa that Osta had rescued from the streets, intent on giving it new life. She hadn’t even had the chance to reupholster it yet. I curled into a ball, letting my head fall into my hands as sobs riddled my already-shaking frame.
I stayed like this, pondering my fate, until the tears dried up and the tremors subsided.
I would face the consequences of my actions. I would let the Sídhe leaders tear me apart. But not before explaining myself to Osta.
We had been together for our entire lives, and she meant more to me than I could explain. If anyone deserved the truth, it was her. I dragged myself into my room to wait, collapsing on the bed with a heaviness I wished would just swallow me whole.
After what seemed like centuries of restlessness, I finally accepted that sleep would never come. My thoughts churned, stretching each passing hour into an eternity.
I stared at the peeling paint on my ceiling, intensely aware of the morning light now looming through my window like funeral candles in a dark temple.
In some sick twist of fate, the only nightmare I suffered was that of my own unwavering consciousness. Why should my mind come up with its own terrifying dreamscapes when it could torment me with the memories I had created all by myself—the ones that had sprung forth from my own hands?
As I lay there, enveloped in the suffocating embrace of my own thoughts, the sound of a creaking door crept through the room.
I shot up from the bed and ran into the living room to find Osta slipping off her shoes near the front door. Relief rushed over me at the sight of her. She looked up, meeting my gaze.
Silent anger flickered in her eyes.
"Fia?" she questioned, furrowing her brow. "What happened?”
I stumbled over my words. "Osta, I… I lost control... It happened again… but it was so much worse this time. The girls?—"
She cut me off. “I know you didn’t want to be there, Fia, but you completely abandoned me. You didn’t even say goodbye,” she sighed, dropping her head into her hands.
I stared in silent confusion. My mouth opened, and then closed as I searched for the right thing to say.
“At some point Fia, you’re going to have to grow up and–”
“Osta… Bekha and Jordaan. Near the woods... I... I killed them. It was me. They mentioned the accident… The River. The Dam….and I.... I just lost it. I just completely lost my mind, Osta. It happened so quickly… I knew it was a risk, I knew I shouldn’t have gone.
I didn’t want you to worry about me, but my…
well, the powers… they’ve been raging out of control the last few weeks.
I thought maybe I could handle them, that I could get through it…
I’m such a fucking idiot, Osta.” I crumpled to the ground as the words tumbled out.
How could I explain something I didn’t even understand?
"Fia, slow down," Osta interrupted as frustration etched her features. "No one died. What are you going on about?"
How did she not know?
“Osta. Bekha and Jordaan Fairbanks. From the House of Unity? They are dead, ” The whisper escaped me as my eyes crept up to meet hers. “They really haven’t found their bodies yet? ”
The creases above Osta’s brow deepened. "Fia, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you sure you're okay? Did you take any of that damn… genesia tincture? Or whatever it’s called? You look like you’ve been up all night."
The weight of her skepticism hit me like a punch to the gut.
"Osta. He saw me. The General. He fucking saw the whole thing," I insisted, my voice shaky. "He saw me attack them."
“Fia. If a Sídhe General saw you commit murder, I highly doubt you’d be a free woman right now.”
I considered her words. She was right. None of this made sense.
Osta took a small step toward me, raising her hands as if to calm a wild beast. "Fia, I saw Bekha and Jordaan tonight. I watched them leave with soldiers from Emeraal, very much alive, " she knelt next to me on the uneven floorboards, reaching for my hand.
“That’s not possible. I swear to Fírinne, I watched them die. I watched the blood flow from their noses after I... Their eyes literally glowed white . The General saw. He seemed... Well, I thought he was going to kill me right there. I don’t know... I don’t understand any of it.”
I shook my head, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Then, he walked away… I figured he was high or drunk... But... he definitely saw me. You must be mistaking them for different girls. I can… I can show you where their bodies are.” I was nearly yelling. “I swear it.”
“The General saw you? You’re sure?”
I met her concerned gaze and nodded.
“Do you think... Maybe he was able to find a healer? I’m sure there were several in attend–”
“Osta, he wouldn’t need a healer, he would need a damn resurrectionist. ” I cut her off.
She responded quietly. “Either way... Maybe that’s what happened… I mean… He is the General, I would assume he has access…” Her words trailed off, and she looked away. Both of us knew h ow ridiculous that sounded. Why would he let me walk away if he was sober enough to go fetch help?
He watched me kill them with my fucking mind . Osta knew what it looked like. She had seen me do it once before, but we didn’t talk about it.
I didn’t talk about it.
“I’m not crazy,” I whispered.
“I don’t think you’re crazy, Fia. I just know the dreams have been getting worse.
I could imagine what seeing Bekha and Jordaan might do to you, especially if you haven’t had much rest. They always treated you the worst of all of us.
Perhaps it didn’t happen like you saw. Maybe…
it wasn’t real,” Osta offered. She peeked at me cautiously.
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came. It had all seemed so real, there was no way my mind created that horrifying sequence of events… was there?
Osta looked at me in contemplation for what felt like hours, she sat down next to me and rubbed her eyes before inhaling deeply.
“Fia… it’s not that I don’t believe you…
I know you well enough to recognize when you’re telling the truth.
I just don’t understand what to make of this.
I saw them leave. Hours after you disappeared. ”
We sat together in shared silence until I felt Osta’s head on my shoulder. Her breath deepened with the hums of sleep.
It wasn’t long before I slipped into the darkness myself.