Chapter 29
Darkness surrounded me.
It was vast. Specks of light dotted the expanse as misty clouds wafted across.
I felt my feet sinking down, finally meeting a ground that wasn’t visible.
I attempted a step forward, and was immediately unsuccessful. My body wouldn’t move.
I began to see a small sliver of something reflective in the distance, slithering toward me. As it approached, I realized it was translucent, as if lit from within. It looked like the webbing that rested at the base of my spine.
I reached out, and it began to swirl through my fingers. A smile crept up my lips.
Soon enough, another was flying toward me, drifting into my other hand. They doubled in size, then tripled, weaving their way up my arms.
Suddenly, they began to pull me, as if wanting me to walk forward, but my feet still wouldn’t budge. They unraveled themselves and retreated to the darkness once again.
I wondered where they wanted me to go .
What they wanted me to see.
Osta was sprawled out on the sofa as I stepped into the living room. One hand was draped over her eyes, and she was gripping a few pages of parchment in the other. A quill and ink sat unused on the table.
“Osta? Did you sleep in here?” I asked, noticing the small throw haphazardly covering her lower half.
“Hmm?” Osta murmured, rubbing her eyes. She slowly sat up on her elbows and leaned her head back to look at me, still squinting from the early morning light.
“Oh–erm, I must have dozed off,” she said quietly. I walked over, gently tugging the blank parchment from her hand.
“What were you doing with this?” I raised an eyebrow. I’d never seen Osta write in anything beyond her design journal.
“I haven’t heard from any of the Nobility about a follow-up…” she murmured, running her fingers through her hair. I sat down at the end of the sofa. I could spare a few moments before heading to the Apothecary.
“You were going to write to them?” I eyed her hesitantly.
“Well, one of them. Lady Soleil. She was the one who really seemed to like me.” Osta sighed.
I paused for a moment, turning the words over in my mind. Soleil was the one she told me about at the ball, but I hadn’t yet connected it with…
“Baelor’s mother?” I asked with wide eyes. The thought of Osta working for people of such prejudice was nauseating. I wasn’t sure I’d even allow her to do it, knowing how nasty their opinions of Riftborne were.
“Lyanna Soleil. She’s the wife of Lord Soleil. They don’t have children from what I was able to gather.”
Lord? I knew Baelor came from generations of Nobles turned military heroes, but I wasn’t aware that any of them still maintained their Noble status. Being a general, even a retired g eneral, in the Sídhe Guard well outshined a title of Lord or Lady.
“So not the wife of General Soleil?” I questioned.
“Ysabeau? Oh, absolutely not. She wouldn’t give me a second glance.
” Osta huffed a small laugh, shaking her head.
“She practically turned her back to me any time I opened my mouth to speak. Her and Lyanna seem like polar opposites.” She twisted her lips, looking down at her blank parchment. “Their husbands must be brothers.”
“You didn’t tell me any of that,” I said, leaning back into the sofa.
“It wasn’t important. I wanted to focus on the positive.” A half smile crept up her lips.
“Well, don’t worry too much. Write to her, even if you don’t send it out.” I reached for the quill and ink, pushing it closer. “I would stay with you, but I’ll be late to the Apothecary. Don’t want to give Ma any more reasons to be upset with me.” I sighed, standing.
“She still hasn’t come around?” Osta eyed me gently.
“No, and I don’t expect her to. I think this is just the new normal. At least until I get stationed out West, which seems certain now that–”
I winced, an unfamiliar pain shooting through me, stopping the words from coming out of my throat.
The blood oath.
I couldn’t tell Osta anything about the Wraiths or the impending doom that now seemed to be spiraling rapidly towards Sídhe. I whispered a curse under my breath.
Osta shot her eyes towards me. “What are you talking about?” she asked quickly.
“I just assume, being in the General’s faction, I’ll probably be stationed where he spends most of his time.” I shrugged, trying to play it off .
Osta paused for a moment, realization setting in.
“I guess I hadn’t thought that far ahead,” she whispered.
“I don’t think any of us expected me to make it this far, if I’m being honest.” I chuckled, looking around.
The room went deathly silent.
“But I could be wrong. I don’t know what his plan is for me…
” I lied. “Even if I’m deployed, it’s not forever.
I’ll have to come back to Luminaria sometime.
” I swallowed hard. She stared at the wall with glassy eyes.
“And I’ll still be able to send back money for my half of the rent…
” My words seemed to have no effect on her.
After a few moments, she sighed. “I did say I’d support you through all of this. I just can’t imagine being here without you.”
“There’s no reason to be upset about it now. Let’s save that for when we actually know something definite. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be living your best life at some noble estate soon enough.”
I walked over and wrapped my arms around her. “Seriously, focus on you right now. Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you after work, okay?” I raised an eyebrow and gave her a reassuring smile, waiting for her to acknowledge me before making another move.
She nodded. I turned towards the door and escaped into the hallway before the tears in my own eyes could start to swell.
I looked up as Ma slammed the back door of the Apothecary, hobbling over and dropping a plant box onto her desk, causing dirt to spatter across the floor.
“How is this even possible?” She nearly yelled, throwing her hands on her hips and sighing loudly.
“What is it, Ma?” I asked, rushing over to see what she was so upset about. I peered into the plant box to see that our collection of rare flowers had died. Not a single shred of life remained in their petals, which fell to the ground around us. Even the soil looked devoid of color .
Ma reached into the box, digging into the dirt with her hands. She pulled out a dusty, violet-blue crystal. I recognized it immediately as arcanite from the way light seemed to glow within it. But this stone seemed brighter and more intense than I remembered.
“This is supposed to help them grow,” Ma said, dusting off the surface of the crystal. She tossed it onto her desk and sunk her head into her hand.
“I don’t understand either,” I murmured, careful not to upset her even further. “When will the rare plants trader be back in Luminaria?” I asked.
“Not for another six months,” she said flatly, slumping into her desk.
I could feel her irritation. I hated this feeling, like I was walking on eggshells around Ma.
The Apothecary felt so different now. A home away from home that had once brought me so much peace and security now made my anxiety flare up in violent waves.
I couldn’t help but laugh at how much had changed in such little time.
Was it possible that I found more comfort in the Compound of all places?
I loved Ma so much. That hadn’t changed. But her disapproval of my decisions was beginning to take its toll. I didn’t know how many more of her scowls I could tolerate.
The pressure from the Guard was enough on its own. And there was so much more… My priorities had taken on a new alignment. One of those was protecting her, and Osta, and the entirety of Luminaria for that matter. Even if I couldn’t tell anyone about it.
I tried my best to stay focused on the distillations that Ma tasked me with, but my mind continued to wander. This seemed so inconsequential in comparison to the threats that were brewing in the West. My thoughts were spinning with shadows, Wraiths, and darkness.
I managed to grind about half of the herbs needed for a particular tonic Ma was crafting when I noticed the sun looming halfway over the horizon. I needed to get out of here, or I’d be late for training. I would just have to finish tomorrow .
I began storing away the powder when I felt Ma approach from behind. She peered over my shoulder.
“Fia, I really need all ten bottles done before you leave. They’re picking up the order later today. You know my hands are too shaky to get them to the right texture.”
“I’m really sorry Ma, but I can’t be late to training. My body cannot handle the extra sprints.” I bit my lip, cautiously eyeing her reaction as I continued to gather my things.
“Fia, please, I really needed this done. If you hadn’t been staring off into space all day, you would have finished with plenty of time to spare,” she said coldly.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I stated, trying to control my tone.
“Yeah, that’s your constant state of being these days. I don’t even recognize you.” Ma threw up her hands, gesturing towards my appearance. “You don’t even wear your work uniform anymore. I only see you in this,” she spat. “Just another reminder of the mindless puppet you’re being molded into.”
Rage flared at her accusation, and a realization washed over me. Ma and I had once been one in the same, and that used to make me happy. She used to make me feel like I wasn’t so alone. But now, the truth crept into my blood like a poison.
Although she didn’t do it intentionally, Ma fed into my greatest fears and weaknesses to keep me safe, to keep me out of harm's way. But all it really did was hold me back. So much of my life had changed for the better since joining the Guard. But maybe she would never see that.
“I was a ticking time bomb and a danger to everyone around me. This was the only way. I’m no puppet.
I am finally able to be who I am meant to be without fear and anxiety.
I am stronger, more confident. Don’t you want that for me?
” I pleaded. I needed her to understand.
Desperation clung to my skin like sweat.
“Your decision makes no sense to me, Fia! This change happened so quickly. And there seems to be no good explanation! You’re throwing your life away. I can’t bear the thought of you dying for the Guard. Do you know what that would do to me?” Ma shouted, frustration lacing her expression.
I paused. I could tell her... I could finally tell her the truth about the Grove.
About what I had done to Bekha and Jordaan, but everything inside me was revolting.
Telling her would be worse. It was better this way.
I couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at me with that fear from before.
I’d rather she hated me for something she didn’t understand.
“Ma, I can’t explain it, but I’m a part of something now. I can be useful. I can help protect the people I love instead of being a danger to them. I don’t take any of this lightly.” Tears welled in my eyes. The words tumbled out, but I knew they would make no difference.
She paused for a moment, and then clicked her tongue.
“It seems their ways have burrowed too deeply into your mind. You’re radicalized. You can’t even see reason anymore, Fia. You’re a stranger.” She shook her head, sighing.
“I’m done having this conversation with you over and over. You need to accept my decision–”
“Or what?” Ma hissed. Her eyes were now flickering with flames.
“Or I’ll have no choice but to remove myself from this situation.” I tried to keep my voice strong, but I couldn’t help the crack that sounded at the finality of my words.
I knew how much that would hurt her. After losing her brother to the Guard, I knew she would think I was doing the same thing. Abandoning her.
Ma huffed a sarcastic laugh and turned away from me.
“By all means, Fia. Run off to your faction . Don’t do me any more favors. You clearly don’t want to be here anymore.”
“I’m not Miguel.” My voice was just above a whisper.
Her eyes flew back to me, and I saw the hurt inside them, burning across her irises.
“You might as well be.”
We stood in silence, Ma unmoving, keeping her back to me. I could see the heat emanating from her palms.
“I’ll start looking for your replacement,” she said. The parchment she had been holding turned to ash and fell like snow onto the floor.
I winced as her words hit me. My mouth opened in protest, but I realized… she was right. I didn’t want to be here anymore. There really was nothing left to say.
I grabbed what was left of my belongings and rushed out the door without a backwards glance, breathing in the scent of smoke and burning ink as the door shut behind me.