Chapter 18 #3
I know exactly what he was planning on doing. It’s what we all like to do after a game, when the adrenaline is still coursing through us. And I interrupted him.
“I’m sorry, man. But I really need to talk.”
He must notice the slump in my shoulders and the defeat in my voice because his harsh expression softens, and he lets me in.
I kick off my shoes, and just as I look up, Winnie appears in a robe, her hair slightly messy.
Hell, I really did interrupt them.
“Sorry, Winnie,” I say. “I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”
“It’s okay,” she says softly. “What’s going on?”
I pull on the back of my neck. “I need some advice.”
“Okay, sure. Do you want me to get you a drink?”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Well then, come sit down.”
We all take a seat in their living room. Winnie sits on Pacey’s lap, and he loops his arm around her like the happy little couple that they are.
“What’s going on?” Pacey asks. “Everything okay with Ollie?”
“Not really,” I say and let out a deep breath. “Uh . . . Ollie and I aren’t really together.”
“What are you talking about?” Winnie asks.
“It was all fake. We met at a bar. She needed me, and I needed her, so we formed an agreement. Since Sarah started working at the Agitators, I thought it would be easier to pretend I was with someone than have you fuckers constantly ask how I’m doing, or have Sarah assume she could get back together with me. ”
“Jesus,” Pacey mutters.
“Anyway, as you probably can see what’s coming, I developed feelings for Ollie, and she developed feelings for me.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” Winnie says with a bright smile.
“It is when you have your head on straight. Unfortunately, that’s not me, and I’ve been pushing her away.
I’m just so fucked up from Sarah that I haven’t been able to get over the feeling of distrust. All Ollie wants is for me to give her a piece of me, and I haven’t been able to.
And now . . . well, I think she’s pulling away.
She took off for the weekend, and I won’t see her until we get back from our away trip.
I feel like that’s too goddamn long, and I don’t know what to fucking do. ”
Pacey nods. “You like her, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “And I fucking shouldn’t. I mean, Jesus Christ, she’s still in college. We’re clearly in completely different phases of our life, but I can’t stop thinking about her. I want so much more when I’m around her, but my brain won’t let me. It’s like there’s a mental block up there.”
“Maybe because you never talked about what happened with Sarah,” Pacey says quietly. “And I’m not asking you to tell us, but dude, how can you move on if you’ve never dealt with what put you in this headspace to begin with?”
“He’s right,” Winnie says softly. “It’s not easy moving on from any kind of heartbreak, especially if you keep it inside you and never let it free.”
“I know this, yet I’m so fucked up that I can’t seem to get myself to talk about it.”
“Are you afraid you’re going to be judged?” Pacey asks.
“Maybe. I also don’t want to revisit it. I mean, fuck, Pacey, I was going to propose to her.”
“I know, man,” he says. “But it might be good to get it off your chest.”
“Have you told Ollie everything that happened?” Winnie asks.
I shake my head. “I haven’t told anyone.”
“Maybe you should tell her,” Winnie suggests.
“That would mean that I’m committing myself to her.”
“Isn’t that what you want?” Pacey asks.
“I mean, I want her, but I . . .” I swallow hard.
“I just don’t think I’m good enough. I don’t think I’ll be what she needs.
And then what? I end up in the same position I’m in now?
And she’s going places. She has a future in front of her.
I’m not going to thwart that with the restrictions of hockey life. ”
“Who says it needs to be thwarted?” Winnie asks. “I do my own thing, and I’m still able to be with Pacey and work on our relationship. We might have ups and downs, but we still make time for each other. Our schedule might revolve around hockey, but our life doesn’t.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“Let me ask you this,” Pacey says. “How would you feel if you called her up tonight and ended things with her? Just called it all off.”
I consider the idea. No more visits to her dorm. No more teasing. No more of her sweet, mind-melting kisses. No more witty text messages.
“Like shit,” I answer.
“Then there’s your answer. You might be scared, doubtful, and not ready, but you’re also not ready to let her go. What’s going to be more fulfilling? Navigating through a new relationship together? Or suffering apart?”
He makes sense. I’d rather be with her.
“But what happens when I tell her about Sarah, and she doesn’t want to be with me? I don’t think I could take it.”
“That’s not going to happen,” Winnie says.
“How do you know?” I ask.
“Because I’ve seen the way she looks at you.
I saw how she reacted when you kissed her outside the locker room.
I’m honestly shocked that you said you’ve been faking it because nothing about her reactions around you is fake.
That girl likes you . . . a lot, Silas, and I think she’s ready to be there for you in any capacity. She’s not going to scare easily.”
“You really think so?” I ask, feeling so insecure that I actually hate myself for it.
“Yes, I really think so,” she answers, then leans forward and places her hand on my knee.
“You’re a good man, Silas. A caring, thoughtful, protective, loyal man and you shouldn’t be living in Sarah’s shadow any longer.
Don’t let her take away a good thing in your life.
Because if you don’t go after Ollie . . . Sarah wins.”