15 #2
‘There was only one major bomb dropped on the city,’ Luca continues keenly.
He really seems to be enjoying sharing his knowledge with us.
‘That was on Vicarage Terrace in 1940. They think the bomber mistook the light on a nearby church for the lights on a control tower. Nine people died that night.’
We all go quiet.
‘You guys suffered a lot in that war,’ Annie says softly. ‘It was the Blitz, wasn’t it, when you were most hit?’
‘I believe so, yes,’ I reply. ‘London in particular, but all the big cities suffered a lot of damage.’ I turn to Luca – he seems to be the expert in all this. I had no idea before now he was interested in any type of history other than that of vintage clothes.
Luca nods. ‘Yes, there was huge loss of life during the Blitz. Whole cites were decimated and people’s lives torn apart.’
‘Unimaginable for us, isn’t it?’ Annie says. ‘Imagine one day just going about your daily life and then, boom, just like that, your house and your whole life are gone in an instant.’
We all nod sombrely.
‘I’ve studied quite a lot about the Second World War,’ Luca says.
‘It’s a bit of a hobby of mine. I’ve read accounts of people who were trapped for days under the wreckage of their houses.
And there are amazing stories of people and animals just about giving up hope of ever being rescued, when someone randomly heard them calling out.
Sometimes it took days to get people out safely. ’
While we all think about this, I hear Adam ask, ‘Another drink, anyone?’
I turn to him and frown.
‘No?’ he asks when no one responds. ‘Well, I need another one.’ He finishes off the last of his pint and slams the empty glass onto the table. ‘Back in a bit.’
‘Did we say something wrong?’ Annie asks, looking concerned as Adam strides across the little beer garden.
‘I don’t think so.’ I turn back from watching Adam stomp back towards the pub. ‘He isn’t usually abrupt like that.’
‘Does he have trouble hearing in busy environments like this?’ Annie asks gently.
‘No, I don’t think so …’ I reply, thinking that was a strange thing to say.
‘It’s just that I noticed he has a hearing device in his right ear.’
I stare blankly at Annie.
‘Most people wouldn’t notice it; they can make them so tiny these days. But I have one.’ She taps her left ear. ‘And sometimes I have trouble hearing in busy places. I often go back to old-fashioned lip-reading if it’s really bad.’
‘I … I didn’t know he had anything in his ear,’ I say, as a few things suddenly begin to make sense.
The times I thought Adam was staring intently at me when we first met …
was he lip-reading? Then there had been a couple of times when I spoke to him when his back was turned and he didn’t hear me properly, even though I was quite close to him – and just now in the busy pub …
‘I have to admit I hadn’t it noticed either,’ Luca says. ‘And I notice everything about a person’s appearance.’
‘I’m sure Adam would be pleased to know it,’ Annie says, smiling kindly. ‘No one who wears a hearing aid particularly wants people to notice. But we often notice each other.’
I feel awful. Adam and I have spent a lot of time together since we met in February – how can I not have noticed he had a problem with his hearing?
‘Do you think it’s to do with him spending so many years in loud environments?’ Luca asks. ‘You know, at rock concerts and things.’
‘Maybe, I don’t really know,’ I say, shaking my head as I try to process this news. ‘I think I’m going to pop to the ladies. Back in a bit. I won’t be long.’
I head quickly across the garden to the pub, but instead of turning in the direction of the toilets, I walk towards the bar with the intention of finding Adam.
But he doesn’t seem to be anywhere at the bar, so I take a quick tour around the rest of the building, eventually returning to the toilets.
But when Adam does not appear after a couple of minutes, I pull my phone from my bag.
I’m about to call him to see where he is, when I notice I have a new text message. It’s from Adam.
Sorry, had to go. Please pass on my apologies. A x
I look at the text for a moment. Should I just leave him be? Maybe something has come up? I’m about to put my phone back in my bag, but a nagging feeling in my gut stops me. What if something is wrong? So I press reply, then I hesitate with my finger hovering over the blank screen before I type.
Where are you? Are you all right? E
I hesitate again, then I quickly type a kiss. It doesn’t mean anything; everyone puts kisses in text messages. Then I press send.
Clockmaker Court comes the reply before I’ve even had time to put my phone back in my bag. Under the tree. X
I think for a moment, then I text Luca.
Sorry, something’s come up. Please pass on my apologies to Annie and Ed, and tell them it was great to meet them. Fill you in tomorrow. Eve xx
Then I head quickly back to Clockmaker Court and find Adam, as expected, sitting under the old tree on the bench. But he’s hunched over with his forearms resting on his thighs as he stares at the ground in front of him.
His appearance stops me in my tracks. He looks so different from how I’m used to seeing him. Nothing like the Adam I’d always known before, full of bravado. He looks … broken is the only way I can describe it.
‘Hi,’ I say quietly as I approach him. ‘Are you OK?’ Then I remember what Annie had said, and I repeat it in a slightly louder voice.
As Adam slowly turns his head towards me, I can see immediately that he’s not; his face is drawn and pale and his eyes look tired and heavy.
‘Why are you shouting?’ he asks.
‘Sorry.’
‘If anyone should be the one apologising, it’s me. I’m sorry I ran out on you. Did you make my apologies to the others?’
‘Sort of. What’s going on?’ I ask, sitting down next to him. ‘You don’t look too good.’
‘Thanks,’ Adam says with a half-smile that vanishes as quickly as it appears. He sits back on the bench and sighs. ‘There’s probably something I should tell you. But it’s not something that comes up easily in conversation. It’s also something I don’t like talking about unless I have to.’
‘It’s all right, I already know,’ I say confidently. ‘It’s fine, don’t worry about it. No one would ever notice.’
Adam looks at me strangely. ‘OK …’
‘Honestly, I’d never even seen it until Annie mentioned it just now. Is it because of all the loud music you’ve been exposed to over the years?’
‘Eve,’ Adam says, tilting his head a little to one side with a puzzled expression. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Your hearing aid.’ I look at his right ear. ‘Honestly, I can just about see it now. But I’d never noticed it before. You shouldn’t feel bad about having to wear one. I’m sure lots of people do.’
Adam’s puzzled expression slowly changes to one of amusement. Then, in complete juxtaposition to the way he looked a moment ago, he throws his head back and laughs.
‘Why is that so funny?’ I ask, totally confused by his reaction.
‘It’s not,’ Adam says, shaking his head.
‘Wearing a hearing aid isn’t funny in the slightest. What’s funny is I wasn’t talking about that.
I was talking about something completely different.
Something much more serious. But you’ve just managed to lighten an awkward moment for me and for that I’m extremely grateful to you. ’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask, still confused. ‘What were you talking about, then?’
Adam’s amused expression fades and he becomes sombre once more. His eyes wander over my face, as if he’s deciding whether to tell me or not. He looks so lost, so concerned about his next words, that I actually feel a bit scared.
‘If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine,’ I say. ‘You really don’t have—’
‘There’s something I need to tell, you,’ he says slowly. ‘No, there’s something I want to tell you.’
‘OK …’
‘It’s something that happened to me a long time ago, but still affects me today.’
‘Go on …’ I try to sound encouraging. But I’m actually quite worried about what he’s going to say. ‘In your own time. There’s no hurry. I’m here.’
I hesitate, but then I reach out and put my hand on his arm, as Annie did for me, hoping it will have the same comforting effect.
Adam looks surprised at my gesture and he gazes at my hand. But then he looks gratefully up at me. ‘It’s nothing. Silly, really. I shouldn’t be bothering you with it.’
‘If it’s made you look like this, then I’m pretty sure it’s not silly and it is worth bothering me about.’ I continue to hold on to his arm.
Adam nods slowly and deliberately. ‘You’re right,’ he says, and he takes a deep breath. ‘The thing is … I have PTSD,’ he says quickly, as though he’s allowing it to escape from him. ‘It’s not due to anything brave or heroic. I’ve never been in the armed forces or anything like that.’
‘You don’t have to have been in a battlefield to have PTSD,’ I say knowingly.
Adam looks at me. Right at me, as though he’s looking deep into my soul. For a moment I think he’s going to ask me how I know, but to my relief he doesn’t. He turns away and stares in front of him as if he’s watching something play out on an invisible screen.
‘It should have been me,’ he says. ‘Not her.’
I wait, but he doesn’t immediately continue. ‘What should have been you?’ I ask gently.
Adam turns his head slowly towards me.
‘It should have been me that died that day. I shouldn’t be here now. I should be dead.’