11. Lenni
ELEVEN
lenni
“I fucking hate this plan,” Jade says petulantly as she watches me lay a lacy bra and thong out on my bed. Red, of course.
I try to picture myself two hours from now, sitting in Reeve’s bed waiting for him when he walks in from Friday night team dinner, and a rush of nerves hits me.Quite a different setting from the newsroom where I typically spend Friday evenings.
“I think it’s sexy,” I say, though sexy is far from what I feel.
“Walk me through it again,” she orders, and I know she’s looking for more flaws so she can talk me out of it.
“It’s not the Normandy invasion, Jade. I get naked in his bedroom, he walks in and—surprise!—we fuck.” Of course, sometimes it’s the simplest of plans that can make us so nervous we want to puke. “What, you think he might turn me down?”
“Of course not.” Jade flops onto the bed while I shrug off my robe and put on the lingerie. She reminds me of my mother before my first and only prom, wringing her hands over every possible tragedy that might befall me. “I just have a bad feeling.”
“Well, I need to get out of my own way and Reeve’s going to help me do it.” I give her a sharp look. “You said you’d support me.”
“I support your decision to sleep with him, I just don’t see why you have to go about it this way.”
“Because I’m in control. I’m deciding where and when, and he can either acquiesce or not, but I’m calling the shots. That’s just how it’s going to be. End of story.”
Jade looks impressed.
I take a deep breath as I hazard a glance at myself in the full-length mirror on the door, trying to will myself to feel as confident as I sound.
I’m not so worried about what’ll go wrong tonight as tomorrow morning. I worry that nothing has changed and that a night with Reeve will end in the same disappointment as with every other guy, but I’m ready to stop wondering. I don’t care if Reeve is an asshole. I’m tired of giving men power just because they’re popular or athletic or they’ve slept with the entire female student population. I can make that power work for me, not against me.
I adjust my boobs inside the barely-there bra and pointedly ignore the dimpled skin on the backs of my thighs. “Well?” I turn toward Jade for my final assessment.
She whistles and looks me up and down. “Your only potential problem is him busting a nut in his pants before he can get his hands on you.”
I laugh and let myself believe her.
I’m in.
It’s scary how easy it is to waltz into the football house and up to Reeve’s room without any explanation, but being a girl has its advantages.
Once inside his bedroom, I strip down to my underwear, feeling like the world’s biggest fraud. I mean, who does this? Women in movies with perfect bodies, sure, but what about real girls? I can’t believe I’m here. I don’t have the seduction skills or the body confidence for this shit.
But then I think of Cam and my resolve strengthens. I think about getting dressed and slinking home defeated, and I know I can’t give my fear that much power. I want this.
I get comfortable on Reeve’s bed and put on a sexy playlist Jade helped me put together. I try to adopt a casually seductive position, then realize it’s impossible, at least for my body. A few minutes pass while I scroll my phone. Thirty minutes, forty-five. My nerves have just about worn a hole through my stomach, so I text him.
Lenni: Hey. What are you up to? Plans tonight?
He responds within a minute.
Reeve: Heading home now. Game tomorrow morning so I probably won’t see you tonight.
I wiggle my fingers, trying to come up with the perfect response. Do I tell him I’m here? It’ll kill the surprise, but suddenly I’m imagining everything that could go wrong. There are too many people around. What if someone else walks in? Or he comes in with five friends in tow?
Lenni: You will if you come up to your room now.
His response is immediate.
Reeve: What do you mean?
Reeve: ??
It won’t be long now.
I’m right. Within a few minutes, voices drift up from the front porch. I spring out of bed and look out the window. Reeve’s taking the steps two at a time, with Cameron behind him—damn, he looks good—and a redheaded woman teetering in black stiletto boots.
Butterflies swarming my stomach, I dash back to the bed, fluff my hair and wait. Someone pounds quickly up the steps. God, let it be him. Footsteps come down the hall, the door opens and there’s Reeve.
His jaw drops when he sees me on the bed.
I smile.
He looks fucking horrified.
Instantly, I know I made a colossal mistake.
“Lenni. Jesus Christ, what are you doing here?” His eyes are wild as he glances over his shoulder into the hallway.
“I wanted to surprise you,” I say.
“No.” He shakes his head furiously. “No, no, no. You can’t do this. You can’t be here.”
I’m frozen on the bed. “What do you mean?” My voice quavers. “What’s wrong?”
“You gotta go. I mean it,” he insists, waving his hand rapidly toward the door. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a situation and you’ve gotta get the fuck out of here. Now.”
I hesitate for a second, paralyzed by confusion and humiliation. Reeve comes toward me and takes my arm. “Please, Lenni. Now!”
I’m shaking as I stand up, but I still have the strength left to yank my arm from his grip. Reeve is muttering panicked curse words and apologies, but I barely hear any of it. Then someone else is in the doorway. Cameron.
He looks at Reeve, then at me and his face registers shock. “Oh, shit,” he says, taking in my near nakedness.
My humiliation is complete.
“Can you fucking believe this?” Reeve spits the words at Cam. “Is she still downstairs? You gotta keep her downstairs, man. I gotta deal with this.”
Even through my shame, I manage to glare at him because I know I’m the this he’s talking about, and fuck him.
“You shouldn’t have done this,” Reeve says, answering my glare. “You’re putting me in a real bad spot.”
The tears of humiliation threatening to fall boil into tears of anger, but before I can say anything back, Cam takes control. “Lay off her,” he orders Reeve. Then, looking at me, “It’s not her fault.”
“Reeve?” comes a female voice from downstairs.
Panic lights up Reeve’s eyes again. Who is this woman he’s so desperate to hide me from? “I’m coming down,” he calls back, looking at Cam with a pleading expression.
“Go,” Cam tells him. “I’ll take care of her.”
Reeve obeys, hustling out of the room without sparing a glance at me.
Cam and I are alone. We stare at each other for a few awful seconds as the abject mortification of the situation bears down on us.
“It’s okay, Lenni,” he says gently. “It’s okay.”
The kindness in his voice is too much. Without warning, my waiting tears rush forward. I feel excruciatingly vulnerable, and I flash back to a day in fourth grade when I threw up in front of the class and my sweet, well-meaning teacher tried so hard to reassure me while making sure she didn’t come anywhere near me.
My tears have an energizing effect on him. He scrambles to pick up my clothes from the floor and he’s somehow produced a towel that he throws over my shoulders, all while assuring me that it’s okay, not to worry, and skillfully averting his eyes from my body.
“Come on,” he says once I’m covered. “You can change in my bathroom.” He must see the fear on my face because before I can protest, he glances out into the hallway. “Don’t worry, no one’s out here. No one will see. Come on.”
I follow him, still crying but not fully believing what’s happening to me. He leads me into his bedroom, shuts the door, and steers me toward the bathroom. There’s a door at the other end, presumably leading to Reeve’s room, and Cam is quick to flip the lock on it. “Go ahead and change,” he says, backing out into his room. “I’ll, um, wait out here.”
Speech is impossible, so I just shut the door. Alone in the bathroom, I sink to the floor, ball the towel up around my face and let out the only remaining tears I’ll allow myself. God, I hope he can’t hear me.
Then I dry the tears and jam myself into my clothes, wishing I could take off the lingerie and throw it away and never think of it again. It’s trash. It’s not me and it never was, and I should have known that the second I looked at it. I did . But I ignored what I knew. I splash cold water on my face, which only makes my mascara run darker under my eyes. Then I stare in the mirror and try to figure out how the fuck I’m going to walk out of this bathroom and face Cam. I can’t do it. I actually can’t.
My gaze stops on a small, frosted window above the toilet. An escape route? But no, that’s ridiculous; my ass would never fit. I close my eyes and force myself to breathe slowly and deeply. I have to go out there and deal with this.
When I open the door, Cam stands up from his seat on the bed and looks at me, his face a mixture of concern and uncertainty. It’s kind of cute. “You all right?”
I nod.
He’s trying hard not to look at my body, and my cheeks burn to realize it’s because he knows exactly what I look like under my clothes, right down to the size of my areolas. My shame must be palpable because he clears his throat and says, louder than necessary, “I can take you home.”
An odd little part of me resists, wishing I could stay locked in this room forever, but I don’t blame him for wanting to get rid of me as soon as fucking possible. “I’m only a couple blocks away, don’t worry about it.”
He shakes his head. “It’s dark. And I think it’s about to rain.” He doesn’t wait for a response, and I don’t argue; tonight his presumptuousness is a comfort, not an annoyance. He opens his closet and pulls out a rain jacket, which he hands to me.
I put it on. I think I thank him, but I’m not sure. I’m operating like a robot, still not certain what’s happened and more than anything, just grateful someone else is in control.
We move into the hall, but when I hear voices coming from downstairs, I freeze. No way I can face Reeve and the woman he rebuffed me for.
Cam’s warm eyes settle on mine. “Only one way out of this house.”
“Is he going to freak out if I walk downstairs?”
“Just pretend you’re with me and no one will ask questions.”
I follow him down the stairs, hoping against hope that Reeve won’t be anywhere between the steps and the front door but, of course, my luck is shit. He’s standing with his body in a protective stance near the redheaded woman, and even though I avoid his eye, a fresh surge of shame hits as I feel him watching me. I want to disappear. The door seems miles away. Then I feel Cam’s hand close around mine.
“We’re out,” he says to Reeve and the woman with a nod. “See you guys later.”
Reeve’s gaze rakes over me, but I won’t look at him. And even though I know Cam taking my hand is just an act, the feel of his strong fingers around mine makes Reeve briefly cease to matter.
Once outside, I breathe a little easier. Rain is just starting to fall, leaving polka dots on the sidewalk, and Cam walks close to me, though his body is rigid. Free of the house, I finally have the wherewithal to start putting the pieces together.
“What was that?” I ask without looking at Cam.
He hesitates. “That was Reeve’s mom.”
“That’s his mother?” I let this sink in. The woman was older, but she didn’t look like someone’s mom, not with her stylish clothing and stiletto boots and long, vibrant hair. Not with her bloodshot eyes and the smears of mascara on her cheeks. “Okay, so my timing was off,” I say bitterly. “Why was he such an asshole about it?”
Cam doesn’t answer at first. “Look, don’t repeat this, okay?”
I nod. Like I want anyone hearing a word of what just happened?
“She needed a place to crash for the night. And Reeve works hard to keep his family life separate from his life here. I guess he didn’t want you to see the messiness that is Dina Dalton.”He pauses. “And also, Reeve can just be an asshole sometimes.”
Yes. And didn’t I know that already? Wasn’t I told? Cam warned me this could happen and now it has. I want to hate him for it. I cross my arms tight over my chest, so they don’t brush his. But I steal a glance at him, and in the shadowy glow of the streetlights, he looks exactly like the guy I remember meeting in the garden. There’s no way to hate that person. Nor can I find any excuse to hate the person that just rescued me from complete humiliation.
The rain begins to fall harder. I stick my hands in the pockets of Cam’s jacket and my fingers close around something cold and hard. I pull it out; it’s a little toy sports car painted glossy royal blue.
I hold up the car. “Still playing with toys at your age?” I ask, trying for a joke even though I don’t feel lighthearted in the slightest.
Cam smiles. “So that’s where that went. My little brother’s been wondering about that thing for a month.”
“I didn’t know you had a little brother.”
“Yeah, Liam.”
I try to picture Cam lying belly down across from his brother, driving toy cars across the carpet. “I have a little brother too. He’s nine.”
“I remember. Is that him?” He nods at my phone, which I’ve just taken out of my pocket. Gus grins at me from my lock screen.
“That’s him.”
“Cute kid. He’s got your dark curls. My brother’s a towhead.”
“Sounds adorable.”
“You see your brother much? I know your family lives a few hours away.”
I forgot how much I told him about myself. “Not as much as I should. But he comes up for weekend visits sometimes. He loves coming to football games.”
Cam gives a little smile at that. Then we lapse into silence.
As we round the corner, my building comes into view, and I stop. “You can leave me here.”
“I’ll walk you to your door,” he says brusquely. Then, a little gentler, “Please.”
We keep going.
“Do you live with anyone?” he asks.
“Yeah, with a friend.”
“Will she be home?”
“I think so.” It’s early enough that Jade will still be getting ready to go out, thank god. As much as I don’t want to recount this little horror story, I don’t want to be alone tonight.
“Good,” he says.
We’re silent as he follows me inside my building and up the stairs to the second floor. But as I start down the hallway, he reaches out to stop me. His fingers are featherlight around my wrist, but their effect is like a thousand elephants. I can’t feel anything but his hand.
“Listen, Lenni.” He turns so we’re face-to-face, his body blocking my path. He looks into my eyes, and as hard as it is to meet his gaze, it’s even harder to look away. No one should be so gorgeous.
“I know how you must feel,” he begins.
“No, you don’t,” I hear myself blurt.
He blinks, struggling for words, and I feel a small sense of triumph to see that the great unshakable Cameron Forrester is, well, shaken. “You’re right.” His voice is deep, like he just woke up from sleep, and in the silence of the hallway, I feel the raw sound of it in my veins. “But I know it must be bad. And I just want to tell you not to sit with that too long. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Here it is again, that singular, intense gaze that reaches straight down into me. “I mean, any guy would give a couple years of his life to have you offer yourself up like that. Believe me.”
Now I have to look away because the question that immediately pops into my head is, Would you? He’s waiting for a response, but all I can do is nod. He steps back and we walk on.
I unlock the door and there’s Jade, standing in our tiny kitchen, pouring herself a drink. She looks up at me and I watch her expression transform from surprise to alarm as she takes in my blotchy, mascara-stained face, and then Cam just behind me.
“Oh my god.” She rushes to me, knocking a capped bottle of vodka over on the counter. “What happened?”
Suddenly, I’m on the verge of tears all over again. “I’ll tell you later,” I manage to say shakily.
Jade slings a protective arm around me and hits Cam with a look of both interest and accusation. Jade’s looks alone can feel like an inquisition, and I see Cam ready himself to defend against her silent barrage.
“I was just bringing her home,” he tells Jade, then looks at me. “She’s okay,” he says in that same gentle tone he used in Reeve’s bedroom.
His words stir something inside me, and tears spill down my cheeks.
“Thanks,” Jade says coolly. She puts her hand on the door, ready to close it on him. “I’ve got her now.”
“Bye, Lenni.” He gives me a final look before the door shuts in his face.