42. Cameron
FORTY-TWO
cameron
Saturday sucks.
I watch my team win without me, which is only marginally better than watching them lose; at least I didn’t fuck up our season for the satisfaction of cracking my knuckles against Connery’s jaw.
I have zero regrets. If I could do it all over again, I’d hit him harder. But a couple of the guys on the team are pissed I basically chose to sit out a game for no good reason they can see, and I hate the feeling of being the kind of captain they defer to because they have to, not because they want to. I keep reminding myself of my reasons. Of her.
Reeve and Cash try to drag me to a couple bars after the game, but it wasn’t my win and anyway, I’m running on three hours of sleep, so I say no. The house is silent for once. I lie on my bed and think about how Saturday afternoons used to be: laid out in Lenni’s bedroom, watching her naked body move over me, using all the energy I had left just to slide my fingers through her hair and tell her how amazing it felt when she put her mouth on me. I remember thinking how lucky I was, but really, I had no idea how lucky I actually was or how quickly it would all go away.
I should have told her last night how I felt. The words were right there: I miss you, I need you. Please come back to me. But I don’t know if those feelings can stand up to the reality of where we are. Lenni’s still so deep in her past I don’t even know if she wants to hear those things from me anymore. And I’m such a long way from who I want to be.
My mind goes back to the first night she was in my bedroom, tears spilling down her cheeks. I was useless, clueless about what to do and fumbling my way through my desperation to make her feel better.
I close my eyes as the weight of realization hits me. Lenni’s seen my flaws since the beginning, and she wanted me anyway. Every time I’ve tried to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, I only hurt her, and every time I was honest, she held onto me tighter.
There’s only one way to go if I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wrestling with regret.
I try to sleep but my mind just won’t quit, the energy inside me building the longer I think about her. I can’t call her now with everything she’s dealing with, but waiting until she’s back seems impossible. My eyes open. I’m wide awake, the sun still bright outside. I can’t sit with this feeling anymore, and I can’t take the chance I pussy out and stay silent.
I get out of bed and head for campus.