Chapter 48
Chapter Forty-Eight
Drea
I thought I would never make it out of that hospital! I had one hell of a headache and a few broken ribs, but overall, I was lucky.
The one thing that made everything a little less painful was having Blair by my side for a few days. I was shocked when she insisted on helping.
She still thought it was her fault, but I tried to tell her it wasn’t. We all did. If it was anyone’s fault it was mine. I knew I didn’t intentionally space out, but it was still my car that hit the truck, causing the pileup. I hoped everyone else was all right.
I was still lying in bed two days later. Blair refused to let me get up unless I had to go to the bathroom. She even slept next to me, and I had to fight the urge not to touch her. I didn’t get to do that anymore.
Every few hours I was awoken by her jumping from her sleep and trying to find me, probably making sure I was still there. I hated that I made her feel that way. I was so happy to have her back, but I knew she wasn’t back in the way I wanted her to be.
I still planned on trying to make things right, but I didn’t want to use the accident as an excuse for her to stay. I was going to wait until I didn’t need supervision anymore. That way she could walk away guilt-free if she wanted to, which I imagined she would.
“Blair, I can’t thank you enough for being here for me, but don’t you want to see the outside world, maybe go visit Milo, or the Taj Mahal?”
She was sitting in a chair she’d made my housekeeper help her bring up from the living room. She’d tipped her a pretty penny for it, but still.
“I’m sorry for wanting to make sure you’re okay. Next time, say no to my help and come home on your own!” She pouted.
I smiled. She looked so cute like that. “When have I ever said no to you? Wait—” I paused at something she’d said.
“What?” she asked, confused.
“Okay, this is going to sound totally crazy, but did you talk to me when I was unconscious?”
She snorted. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, I…” She groaned. “Fine, yes I did. It’s stupid I know, but why do you ask?”
I shook my head, adjusting myself and wincing at the pain.
“Stop moving!” She jumped up and positioned me again.
I grabbed her hand and she froze. “Blair, stop. I’m fine, okay? None of this is your fault, so please relax. I promise.” I caressed her hand, but she slowly pulled away. I’d pushed too far.
“Why are you asking if I talked to you? Why does that matter?”
I ignored the way she shook off my touch, and continued. “Because you said ‘come home on my own.’ I kept hearing a voice inside my head telling me to come home, but I thought I was dreaming. Maybe I was, I don’t know.”
She looked at me and smiled softly as tears started to pool in her eyes. “You heard me talking to you? What else did you hear?” She seemed embarrassed, like maybe she’d said something she didn’t want me to know.
“That’s all I remember,” I answered honestly.
She nodded and hummed, leaving it alone for now. “How’s your dinner?” she asked, nodding to my almost empty plate of steak and potatoes.
Blair had cooked for me every night since I’d come home from the hospital. I’d tried to insist it wasn’t necessary, but she wouldn’t hear it, and I learned it was best not to argue with her. When it came to her, she would always get her way, whether we were together or not.
I grinned. “Just like the chef, it’s amazing.”
She gave a faint smile. It was odd how I enjoyed the domesticity of the situation. Eating dinner together, watching TV, talking. Although we didn’t do too much talking, and never about us. I hadn’t wanted to bring it up if she didn’t.
“Thank you again for everything you’ve done, Blair. I mean it. You didn’t have to do any of this. I’m sure I’ve more than earned my punishment to heal alone.”
“I know,” was all she said.
I didn’t press anymore as I stood up and headed for the bathroom, but she stopped me before I could even get out of the bed. “Where do you think you’re going?”
I groaned. I was an adult, dammit, and I was perfectly capable of moving on my own, sort of. I still had a nasty headache, and it was a little painful to move, but I could do it.
I’d cleaned up with help from the nurses before I left the hospital, but I desperately needed a shower, and I wasn’t stupid enough to ask for help this time. I had a bench in there I could sit on, and I would manage just fine.
“Blair, I’m fine. I’m going to take a shower. I’ll leave the door open so you can see me, okay?”
“You’re joking, right? You may be able to walk fine, but there is no way I’m letting you take a shower on your own. The chances of slipping for a normal person are already high, add your disabled state to those numbers, no thanks.”
She tried to help me up, but I stopped her. “I know you want to help, but this is something I can’t ask you to do. I feel like this crosses a line I know you don’t want—”
“Drea, stop. It’s just a shower. I’ve seen you naked plenty of times, and I’ll be.
.. I have to know you are safe before I leave.
” She said it as if it were that simple.
As if it were that simple for us to be vulnerable together and not feel what we had before.
As if it were simple to walk away from us, and maybe for her it was.
We had been in every state of undress together, but never when I couldn’t just reach out and hold her. Her words were saying the opposite of her body as she shakily reached for my hand.
I was in no position to argue, so I had to trust her words, even though I knew they were a lie. At the end of the day, she was right, and I didn’t want to risk another accident. I simply nodded and let her help me up.
The shower was big enough for at least six or seven people, with a rain showerhead above and a bench against the wall underneath it. She walked us over to the bench, never taking her hand off my arm, and sat me down.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I was partly okay. I was okay in the sense that I wasn’t hurt. I was okay in the sense that a naked Blair stood only a few feet away from me.
But I wasn’t okay in the sense that we weren’t together and I couldn’t take advantage of this moment. That there was an emptiness in her eyes I had put there.
“Fine.” I had to force the word out past all the thoughts running through my mind.
Before I’d sat down, she had washed off my back, and I could feel her trembling, but I stayed silent. The whole time neither of us spoke, the water raining down on us being the only sound in the room.
I stiffened when she walked back over with a freshly soaped loofa and started washing my body, starting with my neck and shoulders.
If she washed only my back, I could have survived without a problem, but the second I came face-to-face with her, staring into those sad hazel eyes, it became more of a challenge.
When she started to make her way to my breasts, she paused and looked at me, waiting for permission. “You never need permission to touch me, Blair,” I said with a nod.
She didn’t respond as she continued to clean me, and my muscles spasmed when she got to my stomach and worked her way down to my thighs and legs. I was thankful the water and soap were able to cover up just how she was affecting me.
The moment was anything but sexual, but she always had a way of getting my body to react to her, no matter what.
When she came back up to my arms and shoulders, I couldn’t resist. The tension was mixing with the steam from the shower, and it permeated the air. She was being so gentle, looking so beautiful, and I needed to touch her, even if it wasn’t sexual and even if it would be for the last time.
I reached up to push a stray hair behind her ear before I cautiously wrapped my arms around her waist, slowly bringing her closer to me.
She hesitated before allowing the contact and placed her hands on my shoulders. “Drea.”
I hugged her, breathing her in, committing every part of her to memory. I wanted to stay like this forever, but I knew we couldn’t.
“God, I’ve missed you,” I whispered. She didn’t respond, but as soon as I began to lightly dust her hips with soft kisses, she tensed and slowly pulled away. I grabbed her wrist, making sure there wasn’t too much space between us, as I slowly stood up.
I pulled her closer and brushed my thumb across her lip. “Blair, I—”
“I think we’re done.” She shook her head and rinsed me off before she turned off the water, handing me a towel. I didn’t think she was only talking about the shower.
“Blair, please—”
“Just dry off. I’ll be right outside.” She turned and left me alone in the steamy bathroom.
I walked out and saw Blair on her phone, sitting on the edge of the bed. She had already gotten dressed, and her bag was at her feet, ready to leave with her.
She looked up when she heard my throat clear. “I’m going to go downstairs and call a car.”
I frowned. “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question. We both knew what she was doing.
She stood up and sighed. “I think it’s best if someone else takes over. Now that I know you are okay, there is no reason for me to stay.” Her words sounded confident, but her wandering eyes that refused to land on me told me a different story.
“I don’t think that’s true.” She turned to leave without another word, but she didn’t get more than two steps before I grabbed her wrist again. “Wait.”
She stopped but didn’t turn around. “Drea, please don’t.” I could already hear the crack in her voice, but I had to push the words out.
“Please just let me say this, Blair. I’m so sorry.”
She turned around, and I let go of her wrist. “You think an apology is enough to make up for everything you said? You made it sound like I was your whore to use around whenever you liked, like my feelings meant nothing.”
“I don’t think that at all, Blair. Your feelings mean everything to me. I was upset and drunk and it just came out. I know it’s not an excuse and I can’t take it back, but you have to know that’s not how I feel about you at all. I…” I stopped myself.
“You what, Drea?”
I sighed. I would not let her leave again without getting the words out.
“You weren’t just something I added to my to-do list because I was bored.
I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings or putting a label on anything.
But for you, I wanted to try. If you were to ask me to do just that and label what we were, I would say we were in a relationship.
We were in a committed exclusive relationship, at least for me.
I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone else when you are all I want.
I am still committed to you, and I will do whatever it takes to keep that relationship, because I am in love with you, and I cannot even fathom the thought of losing you. ”
She stood there, unmoving. This was not how I wanted to tell her I loved her, but if she was really walking away, she had to know the truth.
“You love me? How could you possibly know that? You had a funny way of showing it to Cara.”
I chuckled, taking both of her hands in mine.
“Are you kidding? How could I not be in love with you? You’re beautiful, inside and out.
You’re compassionate, brave, hardworking, and you see the beauty in even the ugliest parts of life.
You encourage me, you don’t put up with my bullshit, and you challenge me.
When I’m with you, I feel like I can accomplish anything as long as I have your eyes to look into.
Loving you feels effortless. It’s something I do subconsciously, and when I’m not with you…
my heart doesn’t beat. I love you, and that isn’t up for discussion, Blair.
I loved you before you left, and I love you now.
It’s the only thing I am meant to do in life, and I think you might love me too or you wouldn’t still be here.
When you asked me to come home, you didn’t mean just to Seattle, did you? You wanted me to come home to you.”
“Don’t you fucking dare use your accident to get me back. That is not fair!” Her eyes were filled with tears, and she took a step back.
I shook my head. “No, that’s not what I am doing. If you genuinely want to be done, I’ll let you walk away without another word. But look me in the eyes and tell me we are done. Tell me you don’t love me.”
She didn’t say anything for a long minute, and I honestly thought I got it all wrong. I was convinced she was going to walk away again.
At this point she couldn’t hide her tears, and I was ready to accept defeat. She shook her head. “You know I can’t do that, Drea.”
“Why not?” I asked. I wanted to hear her say the words.
“Because I haven’t thought about anything else except for you since I left.
Because my world came crashing down when I thought you died.
Because I didn’t want to think about going a single day without you on this planet.
Because… goddammit, because I love you, Drea!
You’re my safe space, my home, and I need you here, okay? !”
I brought her closer to me and brushed my thumb under her tearful eye. “Baby, I’m not going anywhere unless you’re going with me. I’m so irrevocably and undeniably in love with you, and I will never forgive myself for letting you go a single second thinking otherwise.” And I kissed her.