Chapter 17
seventeen
CAMILLA
I deleted all ten pages of the chapter I’d spent an hour writing before going into the kitchen to get a third refill on my coffee. My frustration started early that day when I woke up to an email from my agent, Lucy, with the deadline to submit the first few chapters of the new book. Three hours and many grunts of frustration later, I still had nothing to show for it.
Writing my first book came with ease, almost like it poured out of me, and suddenly, I’d stumbled on a brick wall that blocked any creativity. I started to wonder if maybe I only had one book in me. People back home gave Greyson most of the credit for my success, since he’d helped with the marketing, and what if they were right? What if I was just someone who got lucky and wasn’t meant to be a writer after all?
I opened the window and let the sounds of birds squawking and the laughter of people down at the beach fill the room. With only a few more days until I had to leave, I wanted to take in all the peace and quiet before my days were filled with loud traffic and crowded sidewalks again. I thought I would have been homesick after almost a week away, but other than Greyson, I’d hardly given anything from the city a second thought. Was it possible to have a mid-life crisis at twenty-four? New York was once everything I wanted, but when I wasn’t sure anymore, I didn’t know where that left me.
My numbing thoughts were interrupted when Julian entered the kitchen, startled at the sight of me. “What are you doing?”
“Failing at getting any writing done. I made coffee.” I gestured to the coffee pot I helped myself to earlier that morning.
“You’re a lifesaver.” I darted my eyes away from the grin he flashed while pouring himself a cup. “Do you plan on writing all day?”
“I probably should because of my deadline, but everything I’m writing is crap.” I buried my head in my hands.
He sat in the stool next to me. “I highly doubt that, Mila.” That was one thing that never changed about Julian—he always believed in my writing. “Maybe we can figure it out together. I’m all ears.”
I was going stir-crazy, so I figured I might as well tell someone my doubts. “The story doesn’t feel right. It feels like it’s being written by someone else. I’m not sure I know what kind of writer I am anymore.” I bit back tears of frustration as I picked at my nails.
“How did you feel while writing your first?”
“Not like this.” My first book felt freeing to tell, almost like a journal told from someone else’s point of view.
His gaze softened. “Maybe because with your first, there were no expectations. Dig deep and find a story you want to tell, and even if that takes some time, the book you put in front of your publisher will be so good, they won’t even care about a deadline.”
I chuckled at how oblivious he was about the industry, but he said it so confidently, it was almost convincing. “Everything is so simple for you, isn’t it?”
His gentle eyes searched my face long enough for time to stand still. “Not everything.” Despite the window letting in fresh air, I felt suffocated by his closeness.
“What do you have planned for the day?”
I looked up to find a smirk threatening his lips. “How about you take a break and find out?” I shot him a look of confusion when he tossed a set of keys into my hand. “You drive.”
The cold metal on my skin brought back memories of all the driving lessons he gave me in his Mustang. It was an unwritten rule he was the only one who could drive it, but he made an exception for me.
I glanced over at the mess of a manuscript on my computer, then back to the set of keys. I knew I had the deadline, but something screamed at me to get in that car with Julian, so that’s what I did.
* * *
I was afraid I wouldn’t remember how to drive a stick shift after so long, but as soon as I felt the familiar leather under my fingertips, it was like greeting an old friend, and everything rushed back.
I took for granted how freeing it felt to have an open road to myself, letting the wind blow my hair in every direction. “I haven’t driven since I left town.” I admitted.
Julian shot me a look of concern from the passenger seat. “That’s comforting to hear while you’re behind the wheel of my car.”
I grinned. “You have full-coverage insurance, right?”“Since the day you almost plowed down that fence senior year.” Our familiar laughter fluttered through the car. “I swear, it came out of nowhere.” I still stood by the same excuse I used that day.
“I thought you’d be different when you came back, but you’re still the same, Mila.”
“Is that bad?” He shook his head and glowed with a smile that nearly distracted me from the road. “Not at all.” In that moment, I was hit over the head with feelings I thought were dead.
I knew a part of me would always care about Julian. First loves were supposed to own a piece of your heart forever, but that was all they were—the first. I’d love Julian the same way I loved my first apartment in the city, or the first book I ever picked up, but our story was finished. Wasn’t it?
“Are you gonna get that?” My attention pulled back in time to see my phone ringing in the middle console, Greyson’s name across the screen. “Is that the boyfriend?” Julian asked with a tight jaw.
I stared at the call coming in and pondered whether to answer it. I wanted to hear his voice, but I didn’t think he’d take it well that I was on a spontaneous errand with another guy, so I let it go unanswered, though not without a guilty conscience. “He’s just getting off work and wanted to talk. I’ll call him back.” Even though we were navigating being just friends, I couldn’t ignore the underlying feeling I was betraying Greyson by just being around Julian.
“What does he do?”
I looked at him with narrowed eyes. “You really want to talk about this?” Telling my old boyfriend about my new one wasn’t an ideal conversation to have, but I knew he would’ve just kept on prying. “He works for his dad’s advertising company. It won’t be long until he becomes CEO.”
He scoffed. “So he’s a spoiled rich kid who works for his dad?” His dismissive tone made my face twist. “You don’t know him. He worked hard to get where he is.”
“With some advantages, of course.” Greyson was the opposite of what people thought of him, and I made it a point for them to know how hardworking and dedicated he was.
“If you’re gonna be an asshole when we talk about Greyson, then we shouldn’t talk at all.” The car grew silent as my anger rose.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Mila. You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.” I wanted to stay angry, but it was hard when I sensed his regret. “New rule. You can ask about him, but don’t be a dick about it.”
I could see in his eyes—he was being sincere. “Deal.” I had to start writing down the rules to remember them all.
“You can pull into the parking lot here.” I hesitated to stop in front of the abandoned building. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I need you to tell me where we are before I go inside.”
He chuckled. “I need help picking out furniture. It might look like a dump on the outside, but I promise, the stuff in there is way better than anything we’ll find downtown; they’ll just need a little care.” It took seeing him talk about old furniture to remember how passionate he was, even about the little things.
“What are we still doing in the car then?” He grinned and led us inside, where furniture and art pieces you only came across on your luckiest day filled every inch of the store. It was more like a graveyard for impeccable pieces people either forgot about or threw away. Everything had a personality and a unique style you couldn’t find anywhere else.
“What’s the color scheme you’re going for?” I stopped and appreciated the detail on each piece we passed.
“I was hoping you would choose.” My boots squeaked against the laminate floor when I stopped abruptly. “Julian, it’s one thing to choose the color of your house, but the entire interior design?”
“I have something to contribute that won’t come until the end. Please, Mila? If I ask Sofia, she’ll turn my house into a goddamn museum filled with expensive art I can’t even breathe around.” It was crazy, and even though I shouldn’t have agreed, I still couldn’t say no to him. “Fine, but you owe me dinner on your new table.”
A smile lit up against his tan skin. “Anything you want.”
* * *
As promised, we ate dinner on Julian’s new farm-style table I chose. We were so tired after spending three hours rearranging all the furniture, he made us grilled cheeses, but he could never do the bare minimum, so he added five types of cheese. It was the best I’d ever had.
“You should look into interior design. The place looks great.” I looked around at the fully furnished living room and swelled with pride. We’d stumbled on this white velvet couch I couldn’t leave behind, and by luck, we found the matching ottoman. I had to inhale a mountain of dust for a wooden coffee table, but it was worth how perfectly it balanced the modern farmhouse style. I always loved the concept but never could execute it in the penthouse back home, since Greyson’s family had an interior designer who decorated all their houses.
“Is this how you pictured it on your dream board?”
My shoulders straightened. “You remember that?” He was the only one who’d ever seen that board. Funny enough, I did just about everything, yet I wasn’t sure if seventeen-year-old me would be happy with how her life turned out six years later.
His lazy smile greeted me. “I thought we already established I remember everything, Mila.”
I couldn’t ignore the anguish that gnawed at me. “It’s exactly how I pictured it.” Sitting in the fully furnished house made it even harder to face that, while I was off chasing my new dream, my old one had slipped through my fingers.
I changed the subject. “Is the house how you pictured it’d be when you bought it?”
He hesitated to answer. “Yes and no.”
I sensed I needed a refill of wine before I asked for clarification. “What do you mean?”
His face dropped as if he’d been hit. “Did you ever want to come back once you left, Mila?” I chugged my glass and refilled it again. I’d been trying to avoid that conversation all week, but he gave me no choice. “A couple of times, when the city got hectic and I wanted some peace and quiet.”
“That’s the only reason?” I nodded; I wasn’t ready to let him in on the whole truth yet. A long pause grew between us as he ran his fingers over his facial hair, but when he finally spoke, it was in a fragile tone. “Sometimes, I would stupidly let myself imagine what life would have been like if you did come back.”
I could have let the conversation die—I should have—but curiosity hammered at me. “What did you imagine?”
His expression grew so tight, I thought he wasn’t going to answer. “Everything we promised each other.” My shoulders sank when I remembered a glimpse of the memory he was referring to.
“We were teenagers, Julian, and promises are easy to make when you’re that age.” It seemed as if everything was easier then, though it didn’t feel like it at the time.
“It doesn’t make what we said any less real, at least for me. What about you?” There wasn’t enough wine in the house that could unravel the ball of nerves in my stomach. Telling him the truth would’ve been betraying Greyson on some level, but not telling him felt like betraying a part of myself that once loved him with every piece of my heart. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” I felt a stab in my chest when he shriveled.
“I didn’t tell you the truth when you asked what brought me back to town after I was done with the military.” So many questions ran through my head: Did I want to know? Would it change anything? Would it make it harder to leave Willow’s Cove once again?
As I opened my mouth to speak, my phone blared in my pocket, cutting through the thick air.
His voice turned cold. “You should answer that. Don’t want Greyson to get suspicious, do we?” I watched with a blank stare as he shot up and stormed to his room while my phone continued to echo with the call. I finally snapped out of it before another one of his check-ins went to voicemail. “Hey, Grey.”
“Hey, I was worried about you. Are you okay?” A few minutes before, I would’ve said yes, but I was suddenly a confused wreck who had her face buried in her hands.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a little hectic here with the wedding in a few days.” The only chaos seemed to be in my head.
“I get it. As long as you’re okay.”
“I am, I promise.” I listened to him vent about his day, but my mind kept wandering to Julian. There was a time I wished more than anything to know why everything played out the way it did all those years before. Maybe even get closure, but things were different. I was different. As much as past Camilla loved Julian, the present version of myself loved Greyson, and I had to keep that in the forefront of my mind before the lines I was afraid of blurring disappeared altogether.