Chapter 16 #2
Throwing an X in this business was like a death sentence.
You didn’t do the dreaded cross your arms and nod to the ref combo unless you were dying.
But we always knew it was there. One wrong thing, one fuck up, any moment where severe injury was sustained, kayfabe would disappear, and the match would stop.
I felt stiff the entire time we practiced. My body was on edge. It was as if it didn’t know the difference between drowning in the ocean during a category five hurricane, and being in the ring anywhere close to Callum right now.
Evan saw it. I know he did. But he hadn’t said anything to me yet.
“There’s supposed to be a really solid sushi place in uptown, you guys wanna go?” Evan asked as Cal and I repacked our duffle bags in the locker room.
“I’m game. Si?” Cal asked.
My brain wasn’t working. I felt like I didn’t hear him. It took a minute to answer, like the words got stuck. “I’m okay, I’m gonna go to the hotel,” I said sharply.
“Are you sure?” Cal asked, the concern showing through.
“I don’t have to go do everything with you, dude,” I snapped.
Cal looked at me stunned, hurt. I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me.
“Whoa, Si, calm down. He was just asking if you were okay,” Evan said, his concern jumping to the forefront.
“I’m fine. I’m leaving,” I said, snatching my bag.
“Don’t got the keys, smart ass,” Cal said, tossing them to me.
Of course, I fumbled them and dropped them.
“I’ll ride with Evan. Have fun sitting alone, man,” Cal said, venom on his words. Cal didn’t call me things like ‘man’. He hadn’t since before Miami. Since before things changed.
I huffed and stormed out of the locker room, swinging open the door as fast as I could, beelining for the rental, a shiny SUV we didn’t fucking need. I jumped in, slamming the door.
I let out a shaky, panicked breath as I viciously raked my fingers through my hair, memories flashing through my mind, the thought getting louder.
You two will never succeed if the world knows.
I drove to the hotel, much faster than I should have.
I locked myself in the silence of the room. I paced for a while, an hour, maybe two, I don’t even know. Eventually, I laid on one of the beds, curling up in a ball, and fucking cried. Sobbing. This wasn’t what I wanted.
Any of this. I don’t know if it ever was.
Hours must’ve passed, because when I finally woke up, it was evening. And I wasn’t alone in the room.
Cal was there, laying on the mattress behind me. His warmth was everything I needed, everything I wanted, but I wasn’t deserving enough to have.
I wanted to curl up against his chest, to let him hold me, to feel him take all the pain from me. But that wasn’t an option anymore.
I sat up on my side of the bed, swinging my legs over it. Cal didn’t say anything, but he moved behind me. His arms wrapped around me, his lips gently kissing the side of my neck.
I wanted to melt. I wanted to collapse. To apologize for everything. To be everything he wanted. To be enough.
But instead, I pulled away. I stood up, and the pacing started again.
“What the hell, Si?” Cal asked. “What is going on with you? You were fine this morning, then it was like—”
“Like what!” I yelled.
“Like a fucking switch flipped, Silas!” He yelled back. “I have been driving myself up a fucking wall all day trying to figure out what I did. Jesus, I even asked Evan if he knew because you won’t fucking talk to me!”
“Everything,” I said with an exhausted laugh, one that wasn’t mine.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me! Everything! You did everything!”
“How is it my fault your head is shoved up your fucking ass right now!” Cal yelled.
“Because I seem to be the only one of us worried about our fucking careers, Callum!” I shouted. “We can’t keep pretending that this wouldn’t end my career. It would, and you know that!”
Cal looked at me like I had shot him. And maybe in a way, I had.
“So this only affects you? I don’t have anything in this to lose when it comes to us?” he said.
“We never said we were an us.”
“Are you fucking for real, Silas! Did you actually just say that to me!” Cal screamed.
I clenched my teeth. I didn’t want to do this, but we had to. He needed to be set free, and I knew Cal would never allow that to be done easily.
“Callum, if I fuck up, I lose it all, I—”
“Oh fuck you, Silas!” he cut me off. “You don’t think I have anything to lose in this?
You think it’s only you? And what fucking year do you think we live in?
The nineties?! This isn’t the era of the Reed Brothers, Silas!
The world has fucking changed! The NHL has a fucking gay player that came out over the summer, nobody cares if you’re fucking men, you dumbass! ”
“Because that’s real, Cal! The NHL, the NFL, the MLB, that’s real!
Those players have stats! They have good stats, they fucking play!
We don’t! We have predetermined outcomes, we have choreographed matches, we have pushes when management thinks we’re ready.
If we don’t sell, if we don’t get over, if we don’t convince the fans, we get released! ”
“Oh, so getting railed by a man every night is going to fuck up your push? You are unbelievable, Silas!”
“No, but that would shatter kayfabe for us both!”
“Who in the actual fuck cares about kayfabe still, you fucking fossil?”
I took a sharp breath as I stared Cal in the eye. He was ready to break, and so was I. We both knew what was happening, even if it fucking killed us.
“I can’t pretend this is going to work,” I said as I walked toward my bag, zipping it shut.
“So that’s it? You get told you’re getting the push, and suddenly this doesn’t fit the mold anymore?” Cal said, his voice cracking. I couldn’t face him. I knew he was crying. I was too.
“It’ll be better for us both,” I said flatly as I walked to the door.
I went to open it, and Cal slammed his hand on it, right by my head. We were inches apart. He forced me to spin and face him.
“Walk out that fucking door, Reed,” Cal spat, his voice trembling with a rage so potent it felt like a physical blow.
“Do it. Shut down. Self-destruct like a fucking timebomb, just like you told me a million times you hated. Go out there, be the face of this bullshit business built on lies, go win your titles, go find some naive girl who’s too self-obsessed to realize her husband doesn’t want to touch her.
Go make babies. Go settle down in bumfuck nowhere. ”
He stepped closer, tears streaming down his face, but his eyes were pure fire.
“Go find a fucking bottle, and go waste away in a fucking lie you created in your head because all you want to do is erase a world you were damned to exist in. But I’ve got news for you.
I’ll always be on your fucking heels, Silas.
It’ll always be you and I fighting for that light, and I will never, ever stop that fight against you. ”
He shoved a finger into my chest.
“Even if you were sucking my dick and screaming for me to fuck you every goddamn night we’ve been on the road together for a damn year, I would never have stopped the fight.
You may have a shitty legacy to avenge, but I’ve got my own to create, and I would’ve never let some piece of ass that wanted to see what a dick felt like fuck that up for me. ”
He leaned in, his voice dropping to a terrifying whisper that chilled my blood.
“But you know one thing I can promise? When it’s all said and done… when the ashes are done falling, when the crowd stops screaming… when you’re living your sham of a life, you’ll always think of me. Of us.”
He pulled back, his eyes dead.
“Because guess what? It’s righteous fucking desires, baby, and they’ll plague your infected brain until you die.”