Chapter 20 #2
Has this song been about Allegra, for Allegra, this entire time?
“Fuck.” I crack my neck.
Have I been pining for her—keeping her high and safe on a damn pedestal—for most of my career?
Except…I’m clingy and relentless if this is how I internalized my exchanges with Allegra.
You haunt me like her.
Who? Her memory? Her ghost? She’s leaving!
I grasp the sides of my head and tug on my hair.
The front door opens and I snap the notebook closed, my mind still reeling.
I turn and watch as Allegra stumbles inside.
She’s tipsy but adorable. A smile hugs her lips, and her hair is a wild mess of dark curls.
She’s rocking tiny black cut-off shorts and a simple T-shirt.
She’s got some jeans, a trench coat, and a long flowy dress folded over her arm.
I frown, wondering what the clothes are for.
Before I call out to ask, she deposits them on a chair by the front door and laughs.
There’s nothing pretentious about her. She doesn’t try too hard, doesn’t twist who she is to fit a mold.
She’s unapologetically herself. Authentic. Sincere.
Perfect.
You haunt me like her.
Is this about the different versions of Allegra?
I tilt my head, envisioning the seventeen-year-old beauty who desired a first kiss. Blink. The sexy vixen who flipped my world upside down comes into focus. Blink. The woman I’m scared to admit I’ve fallen for — fucking crashed and burned beside — shimmers like an optical illusion.
“Derek,” she gasps when she sees me, her hand pressing against her chest.
“Stellina,” I reply, unable to stop myself. My voice catches and I clear my throat.
She’s a bright star in a dark sky.
My North Star in a morally corrupt life.
You haunt me like her.
The realization soothes something deep inside my chest and I let out an exhale, feeling some of my frustration over this song, these lyrics, ease.
She shakes her head, as if to clear away the image of me. One eye closes as her other squints in my direction. Then, “What are you doing?”
I laugh and cross my arms over my chest. “Work. You?”
She discards her purse on a chair in the living room and walks closer. “Just had dinner and drinks with Claire and Vivi and some of the girls.”
“How was it?”
She tilts her head. “Fun. Good. Makes me miss Kenny and Ivy and Nova but…I guess I’m just lucky to have many good friends.”
“And friend groups,” I point out, realizing that I only have my bandmates. And Dre. But I’ve been a lone wolf for a long time. As much as I like having a few trusted friends, I don’t need them. Not the way Allegra requires social connections.
They don’t fulfill me the way they do her; they only make me more tolerable to good people like her.
“Yeah,” she agrees, a few steps away. “What are you working on?”
I turn on the barstool, until I’m facing her. My knees part, making room for her between my legs, and she steps between them.
“Song lyrics.”
She rolls her eyes, not surprised. “Sing them for me.”
I lean back slightly, catch the look in her gaze.
She’s sober enough to know what she’s asking and yet, I want to give it to her.
Give in to her. My hands settle on her hips and I give a squeeze before I sing for her.
Just the one verse that haunts me as much as she has. As much as she will when she’s gone.
You vanished like daybreak,
Lost stars and forgotten night.
You haunt me like a shadow,
Clingy and relentless.
You haunt me like her.
Allegra presses her lips together and rests her hands on my shoulders. They slip along the material of my tank before clasping at the back of my neck. “Is it about me?” she whispers. “Lost stars and forgotten night? Clingy and relentless?”
“I’m the relentless one,” I admit. “And yeah, Stellina, it’s about you. I’m still working through it.”
“It’s beautiful. Even the haunting part,” she murmurs. “Sad, too.” Her expression is thoughtful, her voice low.
The heat from her body presses into my palms and I grip her tighter. An irrational thought plagues me. She’s leaving; she’s going to slip away. I’ve known it all along and yet it knocks into me like a crashing wave.
I don’t want to say good-bye. How will I ever let her go?
“Do you forgive me?” I ask, my voice raw.
Allegra stares at me, her expression naked, her eyes brimming with emotion. “I don’t like feeling angry,” she admits. “It’s…exhausting.”
“Sometimes,” I agree. “But it protects you more than vulnerability.”
“Maybe. In the short term,” she cedes.
I dip my head, seeing her point. She’s right and I like that even a little tipsy she can best me. “So, we’re good?” Please let us be okay.
Her eyes hold mine, piercing in their intensity. She shrugs. “I care about you too much for us not to be good. Even though sometimes I wish we were nothing at all.”
Her honesty peels back my bravado. She plucks my heartstrings and gives me a flash of those thoughts I know better than to think. When I cup her cheek, she leans into my palm. When I grip her waist, she inches closer, until her inhales drag her breasts across my abdomen.
“Don’t burn out, Stellina,” I whisper, right before my mouth touches hers.
She lifts her face in response, kissing me back with a candidness I revel in. One I admire but never allow myself to show.
Allegra will always best me. Because she’s right.
In the long term, vulnerability trumps anger.