Chapter 11
Allegra
I snoop through Derek’s stuff while he’s in the shower. His condo is different than I imagined it would be. I’m used to the worn-in and well-loved look of the Boston brownstone.
Derek’s LA unit is contemporary and bright. Immaculate and tidy. For sure, he has a cleaner or housekeeper, but still, this place is a more polished, grown-up version than the band’s headquarters.
“What’re you doing?” Mav’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
I gasp and close the closet door. “You scared me, Mav.”
He snorts. “Snooping, were you?”
“I didn’t know Derek had an LA place.” I cross my arms over my chest, refusing to apologize like common decency dictates.
Mav smirks. “Derek has a lot of things he doesn’t talk about.”
“Like his whiskey label?”
Mav nods. “Exactly. I hear you’re going house hunting.”
I roll my eyes. “Derek’s making a big deal out of nothing.”
“Popping pills at a club with strangers isn’t nothing, A.”
I close my eyes. “It was a mistake.”
“See you don’t make it again.”
I open my eyes. “That’s it?”
He shrugs. “Who am I to judge?”
“Exactly. Thank you.” I gesture toward the closed bathroom door. “Derek’s on a fucking high horse acting like—”
“He’s worried about you,” Mav cuts me off. “We all are.” He points to my shirt and when I look down, his finger runs up my face to tap me on the nose.
I grip his finger and tug. “Smart ass.”
Mav chuckles. “I’m serious though. You’ve changed.”
“Yeah, well, having your brother, the guy you just fucked, and one of your best friends abandon you without a word, would change a girl, ya know?” I try to sound blasé. Unaffected. But my voice trembles and Mav hears it.
His expression falls and he mutters a curse. “I had no idea, A. If I did—”
I hold up a hand to stop him. “I know. It doesn’t matter now. What’s in the past is the past.”
“Not when it follows you, and makes waves, in your present,” he counters.
I shrug. “I’m here, right? Letting Derek take me to look at apartments?”
“Yes,” Mav agrees. “You’re here. And I’m so damn happy to see you.” My friend wraps me in an easy hug. “Pick the most expensive place; he’s good for it,” Mav whispers, trying to make light of the situation.
I snort. “I hate feeling like a charity case.”
“Everyone does.” He shrugs. “How do you think I felt all those years with my brother paying for my shit? And then afterwards, when everyone assumed Jameson was pulling my weight with the band?”
I roll my lips together, recalling the rumors Mav mentions. When The Burnt Clovers got their big break, haters were quick to point out that Maverick wouldn’t have made the cut if Jameson wasn’t holding it down for him. “But you proved them wrong.”
He grins. “Exactly. So can you. Be better than this, A. Be safe and smart and happy. Prove him wrong.”
The bathroom door opens, and Derek stands there, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist.
I check him out so hard I’m surprised my eyes don’t get stuck.
Droplets of water travel down his hard chest, pooling in the ridges of his well-defined abs.
My throat dries and my nether regions clench.
His hair is slicked back, made darker by the water, and a two-day old stubble gives him an edgier than usual vibe.
He’s naked, save for the thick black ring he wears on his left middle finger, and the ink that crawls up his arms and scrawls across his chest.
Mav sighs and points at me. “That’s my cue.” He moves toward the exit. “Hope you find an apartment.”
“She will,” Derek replies. He leans against the doorjamb and lifts an amused eyebrow. “What’re you doing in my room?”
“Snooping through your shit,” I admit.
He smirks. “Find anything good.”
“Yeah. Your Playgirl collection is weak sauce. Shouldn’t you have outgrown that by fifteen?” I gesture toward the pile of dirty magazines he has stacked in the corner of his bedroom.
Derek laughs. “That’s a stupid prank Mav and Levi played on me last year.”
My expression falls at the mention of my brother’s name and Derek catches it.
“You talk to him?” he asks.
I shake my head. “He hasn’t contacted me so…”
“He’s not allowed outside contact for a few more weeks.”
“Oh.” Glad Derek knows more about Levi’s life than me.
“Well, my parents haven’t reached out either so…
” As far as Mom and Dad are concerned, Levi and I have both turned out to be such massive disappointments, we might as well be dead.
At least then, they could openly mourn our loss in their community.
“Mav and I are going to see him as soon as he’s cleared for visitors.” Derek watches me closely. “You can come…if you want.”
I look around his room, trying to sort out how I feel about his offer. Do I want to see Levi? What the hell would I even say? Does he want to see me? Does he even care about me?
“Think about it,” Derek says, letting me off the hook. “No pressure.”
“All right.”
A beat of silence extends between us.
Then, “Do you mind?” He points toward the door.
I snort. “You don’t have anything I haven’t seen before.”
“You better be talking about seeing me naked and not some other fucking chump,” he tosses back, dropping his towel.
Fuck. My eyes snap shut.
Derek laughs.
I slowly crack my eyes open as he strides to his dresser, all confident swagger.
His dick swings between his legs, long and as big as I recall.
I can’t help but check him out because I’m a mere mortal who hasn’t had meaningful, sober sex since Derek.
Since summer. Since the night he told me I was his everything.
Was that a lie?
No matter what happens, just know that the way I feel for you, it’s real.
I blink away the memory. Swallow back the emotions it evokes.
Derek pulls on a pair of boxer briefs and ripped jeans. He dons his signature black T-shirt and a black baseball cap.
“Ready?” he asks.
I nod and move past him, out of his bedroom, and toward the front door. A few minutes later, we’re riding in his Toyota Camry and I finally relax.
I like that it’s simple, just me and him. No security, no intimidating black SUV with tinted windows, no driver.
I reach over and fiddle with his sound system, opting for the radio instead of a curated playlist.
One of The Burnt Clovers’ songs comes on and Derek reaches out. He changes the station.
I snort. “Not a fan?”
He grins at me. “Pick your favorite song. What are you listening to lately?”
“Nothing by you guys,” I admit. My voice is harder than I intend and Derek winces. A flicker of remorse works through my chest, but I don’t apologize. Instead, I search through my iPhone and play “Numb Little Bug” by Em Beihold.
Derek listens to the lyrics, a curious expression crossing his face. “Is that how you feel? That life’s too exhausting and you’re barely making it?”
I shrug and glance out the window. “Mostly, I’m numb,” I admit to the passing landscape.
Derek’s quiet and I turn to look at him.
“Except when you’re around,” I continue. “I feel…”
“What?” He looks at me, his eyes dark.
“Fucking furious.”
He nods, his palm slipping over the top of the steering wheel. “But that’s better than feeling nothing, right?”
“I haven’t decided.”
Derek sighs and reaches over. His hand finds mine and he grasps my fingers. He holds them tightly, so I can’t shake him off. But the truth is, I don’t want to.
For this stretch of time, these minutes of simplicity, it feels nice to have someone hold part of my broken. To keep me from bleeding out.
To remind me that I can still feel things. Give of myself. Even when I think I’m empty.
“Good to see you again, Derek,” the real estate agent, a woman in her fifties with bleached blonde hair and blue eyeshadow, greets us.
She’s one of the first women—in any age group—to not gawk at Derek and I instantly like her. She’s got this funky, throwback vibe going on and it works.
“You must be Allegra.” She shakes my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you.” I manage a smile.
“Thanks for doing this on short notice, Deb,” Derek says.
Deb waves a hand. “Of course. I’ve got three places to show you.
This first option is the largest and most expensive.
” She pauses, her gaze darting between Derek and me.
Derek shakes his head and Deb glosses over the price, launching into the rental’s details instead.
“It’s got an adorable balcony with access to a community pool and grilling pits. Come on.”
I follow her up the stairs and into the apartment. It’s a beautiful, breezy two-bedroom unit that is so far out of my budget, it may as well be a luxury penthouse.
“What do you think?” Derek asks.
“I think this is way too much,” I say gently, trying to be appreciative.
“It’s not,” he retorts.
“Well, I don’t need a two-bedroom,” I add. “Unless I get a roommate.” I pause, worrying my bottom lip. “Ethan mentioned—”
“We’re ready for option two, Deb,” Derek cuts me off.
I stifle a chuckle and follow Derek and Deb out of the apartment.
Option two is perfect. I fall in love with it the moment I enter. It’s a simple, one-bedroom apartment with an open-concept floor plan and high ceilings. Big windows give the space a lot of natural light. The kitchen is newly remodeled with dark countertops and white cabinetry.
“I love it,” I murmur, running my palm over the cute kitchen island that houses two barstools.
Derek grins. “Really?”
“Really,” I say, biting my bottom lip. “But Derek, I—”
“She likes this one, Deb.” He turns toward Deb.
“Excellent! This space also has a community pool, although it’s smaller than the last one. No grills but you’re closer to the town center, only two blocks from a plethora of restaurants and coffee bars.”
I turn in a circle in the living room. “It’s got an…energy about it.”
Derek scoffs. “No need to sage the space, Allegra.”
Deb chuckles. “Want to see the third option?”
“Sure,” I agree. If option three is decent and significantly less money, I’ll opt for it.
As much as I appreciate Derek’s concern and what he’s doing for me, I hate the thought of him—my ex-hookup—paying for my lifestyle. It makes me feel…cheap, even though I know Derek’s reasons, deep down, are noble.
Not that I’ll tell him that.
Option three is decent and less money. I sigh, knowing it’s the practical choice even though my heart is set on number two.
“I’ll give you a few minutes,” Deb says, stepping into the hallway to give us privacy.
“You like the second one,” Derek announces, correctly reading my expression.
“This place is perfect!” I reply.
Derek grins. “Allegra, I want you to be happy. And safe. And secure. I want you to pick whichever place makes you feel all those things. This isn’t charity.
This isn’t anything but a friend helping out someone he cares about who is doing her damnedest to make things work. Don’t read into it and neither will I.”
I bite the corner of my mouth. “The first one is too expensive.”
“Dammit, Allegra,” he sighs, narrowing his eyes. “Do you know how much money I earn? I’m not trying to be an asshole here, but I can buy any of these places and would think about it as much as buying you lunch from a drive-thru.”
I scoff. Imagine having that much money? That type of security?
“Pick one,” he enunciates his words.
I exhale. “I like option two the best.”
Derek smiles. A real smile that lightens his eyes and gives a glimmer of the playful personality he keeps on lock. It’s my favorite version of him.
A pang cuts through my chest and I look away.
“Good. Me too,” he agrees. “Deb, we’ve got a winner!” He moves toward the door to make the final arrangements with Deb.
I grin, feeling a lightness replace some of the heavy hurt I’ve been carrying around since coming back to LA.
These past few months, I’ve stretched myself thin. While I’m not looking for a handout, Derek’s generosity takes a huge weight off my shoulders.
He reenters the space. “Lunch?”
I nod. “But it’s on me.”
“Alle—”
“Please, Derek. Let me get lunch.” I place my hand on his arm. “Thank you for all of this. I can’t… It means a lot to have someone, to have you, look out for me like this.”
His eyes blaze, a complicated swirl of emotions, and he dips his head in reluctant acceptance.
“I’ll drop you at work after we eat,” he says softly.
“That would be great.”
We leave the apartment together, waving to Deb as we turn toward Derek’s Camry.
For a moment, I let myself imagine what it would be like if we were a normal couple. Just a guy and a girl wildly in love, picking out our first apartment, going to lunch to discuss moving in together.
I glance at Derek. Note his larger-than-life presence and the way people passing us by do double takes, looking at him for long moments with recognition flaring in their eyes.
No one approaches him for a photo, but I know that’s more luck than anything else.
No, a guy like Derek will never live a simple, normal life. And a girl like me isn’t destined for anything else.
We had no shot from the start.