Chapter 15
Allegra
It’s been a week since I slept with Derek. While I tried to be chill the morning after, I think I played it too cool.
Calling him a mistake was an overreach. Now, he’s not speaking to me, and Mav hasn’t mentioned Derek once in the handful of times we’ve talked or hung out.
While work is going well and the girls and I are clicking again, there’s a hole in my life. I thought I was pulling myself together, but all it took was Derek showing up in LA to light the match that burned my progress to the ground.
One night. One hot and sexy hookup and I’m back where I started.
Is he done with me? Is he thinking about me? Will I ever not be plagued by insecurities where Derek is concerned?
Sighing, I swipe on a coat of lip gloss and give myself a once-over in the mirror.
I tuck my hair behind my ears and wonder, for the first time since I made the radical change, if I’m done being blonde.
Maybe I should go back to my natural color?
Maybe I should stop trying so hard to be something I’m not?
Shaking my head, I grab my purse and leave my place. Driving to the coffee shop to meet Ethan, I listen to some throwback tunes that make me recall my first few years of college.
Sushi dinners with Nova, Ivy, and Kenny.
The cellist I lost my virginity to.
My first pep rally.
Drinking wine coolers on hot summer nights and laughing with my friends.
Those memories seem framed in innocence now. In a sweetness I no longer possess. Is it because of Derek or me that I lost that carefree, rose-colored-glasses worldview?
Does it matter?
To be honest, I’m too tired to care. Jaded and bitter and worn down. Back then, everything was new and exciting and tinted with possibility. Adventure.
I sigh heavily as I park my car. When I enter the coffee shop, Ethan is already seated. He rises when he sees me and I wave, making my way over to him.
“You look beautiful.” He kisses my cheek in greeting.
“Thanks.” I smooth my hands over my short, flirty summer dress.
“I got you a latte.” He gestures to my caffeinated beverage of choice.
“Perfect.” I sit down across from him. “How’s your week been?”
“Not bad.” He waggles his eyebrows. “I had a date.”
“Oh, do tell.” I lean closer. Ethan and I have hung out a few times now and while I know he finds me attractive, I also know he’s seeing several people. Keeping his options open.
“His name is Sam. He’s a Scorpio,” Ethan divulges. “We both like soccer and baseball so there were a lot of easy topics to get things rolling.”
“Put you both at ease early on.”
Ethan nods. “He hasn’t been with another guy before so…” He shrugs. “I didn’t want him to feel pressured or rushed or anything.”
“Right,” I agree. “You gonna see him again?”
Ethan grins. “I think so. But, you know, it’s super casual.”
I nod, knowing that Ethan isn’t looking for a serious commitment.
“What about you?” he asks. “How are things with the douchy rockstar?”
I snort. Ethan can’t stand Derek. “We hooked up.”
His face contorts. “And?”
I shrug. “I told him it was a mistake.”
“Was it?”
I roll my lips together and think over his question. “I’m not sure yet. Where Derek’s concerned, things are…”
“Complicated?”
“And confusing,” I admit.
“Just don’t let him dictate your worth, Allegra. You are beautiful and smart and talented. If you decide to get serious with a man, he needs to support that.”
I smile and reach over to squeeze Ethan’s hand. “Thanks, Ethan. You’re a good friend.”
He dips his head in acknowledgement before his eyes flit to mine. “I could be more, you know?”
I nod. “I know, but I don’t think I’m capable of more without the friendship line getting blurred.”
Ethan leans back and sips his coffee. “I get that. Not everyone can compartmentalize as well as me.”
I smile. “No, I definitely can’t. What are you doing this weekend?”
“Gonna check out a club tonight. Want to come?”
I wrinkle my nose. “I’m working but I’ll message you afterwards.”
“Yeah, hit me up. There’s usually an after party my group migrates to. Come join us if you’re not too tired.”
“Thanks; I will,” I agree. I mean it too.
If Derek isn’t going to reach out to talk to me, then I’m going to keep living my life. Whether he likes it or not.
“Good shift?” Dex asks as I lean my shoulder against the doorframe to his office.
“Yeah, tonight was lit.”
He grins and clasps his hands together. “Just the way I like it.”
I snort and step inside. “What are you still doing here?” I drop into the chair in front of his desk and lean back. “You’re usually long gone before last call.”
Dex sighs and gestures to the papers spread over his desk. “Too much damn paperwork. That’s the part no one tells you about running your own business.”
“That you’ll spend more time behind the scenes than drinking the shift beers.” I point toward the bar where a bunch of the staff are having their shift beers and talking about the funniest customers of the night.
“Exactly,” Dex agrees. “You heading home or heading out?”
I shrug, thinking about Ethan’s offer. A moment later, I yawn. “I think home. I’m exhausted.”
“How are things going with the ex back in town?”
“Confusing,” I admit.
Dex leans forward, his arms resting on his desk. “He giving you a hard time?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Besides moving me into a better apartment in a safer area?”
Dex shrugs.
“No. We haven’t talked in a week, which is probably my fault.”
“Why?”
“I tried to blow off what’s happening between us. Make it more casual than it really is.”
“Ahh.” Dex clucks knowingly. “So, you’re protecting yourself?”
I smirk. “Yeah. It pissed him off.”
“Too fucking bad.”
I laugh. “I guess. But he did mention visiting my brother in rehab. Going with me, I mean. And…” I trail off, shaking my head. I don’t know how to put into words how conflicted I feel about reconnecting with Levi.
“Do you want to visit your brother?” Dex asks gently.
“For the longest time, reconnecting with him was the most important thing. I went to Boston last summer with the intention of spending time with my brother. I wanted us to be us again, you know? The past few years have been…intense. And I miss him.”
“It didn’t go well?”
“He blew me off. Landed in rehab.” I tip my head, as if that explains everything.
“Do you believe in second chances?”
I glance at Dex, noting the dip in between his eyebrows. His question is deeper than face value and at the solemnity in his eyes, I give him the truth.
“Yes. I believe in second chances.” My voice shakes slightly.
“I have a lot of regrets, Allegra,” Dex admits. “I’ve been in rehab too.”
“Really?” I sit up straighter.
Dex chuckles but it holds an edge. “Really. Like I said, I have a lot of regrets. Too many if I’m being honest. But I’ve never regretted giving a second chance when it was warranted.
And I’ve always been grateful for another shot extended my way.
If you think you and your brother can reestablish what you once had, especially now that he’s getting help and surrounded by positive influences…
well, I’d hate for you to regret not trying.
Family is family forever, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
There’s always a connection there, even when the string is weak and frayed and tenuous as hell. Don’t give up on that.”
I roll his words over in my mind, staring at him. For the first time since Dex stepped into my life, started giving me some tough love with a side of mentorship, I wonder about his past. About his regrets. His family and his losses.
“If you were me…?” I let the question dangle.
“At my age and knowing what I know now, I’d give him a shot,” he answers instantly.
I nod, almost relieved to have someone make the decision for me.
Just so I can stop thinking about it. “Okay.” I stand from the chair and pick up my bag.
“I’ll visit him. The thing is, I’m wondering about him all the time, right?
So, why not go see him for myself? See if he’s changed or wants to change… then, I can stop wondering.”
Dex grins. “That’s another way of looking at it.”
I lift a hand in farewell. “Thanks, Dex.”
“Anytime, A. Get home safe.”
“See ya.” I wave before leaving his office.
When I pass the bar, I say good-bye to my coworkers. Luis walks me to my car and gives me a hug good-bye.
I slide behind the wheel and send off two text messages.
Me (to Ethan): Hey! I’m beat so gonna pass on tonight. Have fun!
Me (to Derek): Hey, I’ll go with you to see Levi. Let me know the details.
Then, I drive home, take a hot shower, and collapse into bed.
I fall into a deep sleep and no dreams—good or bad—follow me.