Chapter 17
Allegra
“You can ride shotgun,” Maverick announces, climbing out of Derek’s Toyota Camry.
I laugh. I love that this is his LA ride. I love that he can still surprise me and prove how not pretentious he is, even while he’s raking in millions.
“How are you?” I give Mav’s cheek a kiss hello before sliding into the front seat.
“All good, boo. You?” he replies before closing the passenger door.
I wait for him to take the seat behind mine. “All good.”
“You sure?” Derek asks beside me.
I glance at him and try not to drool. How is his casual so hot?
Even when he doesn’t try, he affects me on every level.
Today, he’s wearing a backwards baseball cap.
A slight scruff runs along his cheeks. He’s wearing ripped, distressed jeans and a smoky gray Henley.
A new pair of Jordan’s. Nothing about his ensemble is spectacular, and yet, he gives off an energy that has my nerves scattering and my skin heating.
I rub my palms along the thighs of my jeans. Work a swallow.
“Allegra?” Derek asks, his voice low. His whiskey eyes burn.
“Huh?” I murmur.
Mav chuckles behind me.
“You sure you’re okay?” Derek repeats.
“Um, yeah. Of course,” I manage, shaking my head, as my cheeks flame.
Derek snorts but reaches over and places a hand on my thigh. I move my palm on top of his and our fingers link together as he pulls away from my building.
Our long drive is mostly quiet. Save for the music set to a low volume, just our mingled breathing fills the space. We’re all lost in our thoughts and memories. Did the guys think Levi would end up in rehab? Should I have seen the signs earlier? Pushed back harder? Would it have made a difference?
Will he be happy to see me? Embarrassed? Worse, ashamed?
I turn to look out the window.
For my entire childhood, Levi was my constant. The steady, unwavering person I could count on. Even when my desires weren’t in line with our parents’ beliefs. Even when my spirit was too rambunctious for our community.
While Mom helped cultivate my passion for social justice initiatives and Dad mentioned candidates he felt would make suitable husbands, Levi encouraged me to dream. To try. To explore and experience.
But when I worked up the courage to do that, he was too wrapped up in his own life to care. He stopped being a reliable support system. He stopped showing up for me. And when I slipped, I fucking face-planted with no one to catch me. Only myself.
Should I have noticed his pulling away sooner? Was that the first sign I overlooked?
A flicker of guilt burns low in my gut. It mixes with threads of resentment. I don’t want to resent my brother and yet, I tried. I showed up. I cared. And it hurts that he was able to discard me so easily, casually, cruelly, for a fix.
“Hey.” Derek squeezes my fingers.
I look at him.
He shoots me a worried glance. “You can talk to me.”
“I’m fine,” I say instead. What am I going to say? I’m angry with Levi? That’s hardly supportive of the guy we’re all rallying around in a rehab facility.
Disappointment shudders through Derek’s eyes before he snaps them back to the road. A minute later, he disentangles his hand from mine.
I feel his loss instantly. It lands like a sharp smack to my cheek, and I shift toward the window.
I don’t have to share my thoughts with Derek, or anyone else, if I don’t want to. The truth is, I have too many big feelings. I’m overwhelmed. Confused. Hurt. Sad. Angry.
The list is endless. I don’t know how to process them, much less communicate them.
Beside me, Derek sighs.
When I look at him again, he rests his hand back on my thigh. Gives it a little, reassuring squeeze. Whether it’s meant to reassure me or him, I’m not sure, but I don’t brush his touch away.
Instead, I settle back in my seat, close my eyes, and wait for us to arrive at the facility.
“You came,” my brother breathes out when he sees me.
His voice moves through my chest like a salve, healing emotional wounds that I’ve let fester.
“Levi,” I say as he wraps me in a hug. A big, warm, bear type of hug that swallows me up and keeps me close.
I sigh, my eyes closing, as I rest my cheek against his chest.
God, I’ve missed him. This, right here, is what I wanted when I stood on the band’s Boston brownstone stoop and knocked. It’s many months later, but right now, I feel that sense of belonging.
I feel home.
“God, A, you look beautiful,” my brother murmurs when he pulls back.
His eyes are shiny with emotion.
“You look good,” I tell him, drinking in his appearance. He looks better than good; he looks healthy.
He chuckles and clutches his abdomen. “I’ve put on a few pounds.”
“You needed it, mate.” Derek pulls him into a one-armed hug and smacks his back.
Levi’s eyes find mine over Derek’s shoulder. They’re clear, focused, him.
Relief flows through my veins. He’s back. My brother is back.
The realization presses down on me, the enormity of the moment nearly steamrolling me.
I didn’t realize, until right now, how fearful I was.
I didn’t understand the hold the alcohol and drugs had on him.
I couldn’t comprehend his addiction. At the time, I thought he didn’t want me in his life. That he didn’t want me.
To see him now, smiling and joking, causes a swell of emotion to form at the base of my throat.
Dex was right; second chances are important. In fact, they’re sacred.
Mav and Levi exchange an easy greeting.
“Come on.” Levi gestures toward a balcony that leads outdoors. “We can have lunch outside.”
As Mav falls into step beside my brother, Derek hangs back.
He gives me a long, searching look. I smile, loving that he’s concerned about me. It feels good to have Derek acknowledge how important this moment with Levi is, and care about it. At my smile, he grins.
“You hungry?” he asks.
“I can always eat,” I assure him, my voice light.
He snorts and wraps an arm around my waist. When we step outside onto the balcony, Levi shoots us a glance, his eyes narrowed as they laser in on Derek’s hold on my hip.
I pretend not to notice and take in my surroundings instead. The facility Levi is staying at has gorgeous grounds, complete with a five-star restaurant. Tables dot the balcony, overlooking a lush expanse of lawn before the ocean appears.
“This is beautiful,” I comment.
“It really is,” my brother replies.
“Take a seat,” Mav says, extending a hand.
Derek moves forward to pull out my chair.
Levi pauses, watching our exchange with interest. A spray of nerves travels over my skin. I perch on the edge of my seat as the others claim chairs, Derek beside mine.
Levi slips into the chair across from me. His eyes dart between Derek and me again as he greets our server.
We order some waters and Cokes and take a beat to scan the menu. After we place our lunch orders, Mav leans back in his chair. As if sensing the shifting energy at the table, he tries to lighten the mood. “Working on your tan, I see.”
My brother glances at him and cracks a grin. “Yeah. I’ve been spending a lot more time outside. Joined a volleyball club.”
“Volleyball?” I ask. “Remember when—”
“I tried out my freshman year of high school,” Levi finishes my sentence.
I nod, already laughing.
Mav and Derek glance between us curiously.
“There was this girl Levi was trying to impress,” I clarify.
“Rochelle Santoro,” Levi supplies.
“And she…” I trail off, shooting my brother a look as I giggle.
“She was dared to pants me by the cheerleading team,” he says, chuckling.
“And she did. During try-outs,” I add.
“Right as I went up for a spike,” Levi points out.
“She got him so unexpectedly!” I point at Levi.
“Except I freaking landed on top of her and—”
“She sprained her ankle.” I make a face.
“Never spoke to me again,” Levi concludes.
“He didn’t even make the team.” I shake my head.
“It was a colossal failure.” Levi snorts.
“But you’re playing now,” I point out.
He gives me a look. We both start to laugh. It’s the type of story that breaks the ice. Everyone appears a little more comfortable after that. Mav laughs, Derek cracks a joke, and our appetizers arrive.
Lunch is casual and more easygoing than I imagine.
My brother shoots me warm glances throughout the meal.
He briefly asks about our mom and dad but doesn’t focus on them the way he used to.
It’s more like he was asking to be polite.
Instead, he steers the conversation to my studies and inquiries about my friends.
Mav fills him in on Jameson and Amelia’s on-again, off-again relationship status. Derek mentions a few Clovers updates. No one talks about how the tour was cut short. Or that Derek launched a whiskey label. Or how I’m working at Beirut.
We keep the conversation friendly and light, sticking to safe topics.
Still, my brother gives Derek and me curious, searching glances on more than one occasion.
I know Derek mentioned he was going to be honest with Levi, but I would prefer to avoid that topic during our first meeting.
Especially when it’s going so well. The last thing I want to do is rock an already shaky boat.
Once we’re finished with lunch, Mav points into the distance. “Reign, want to check out the golf course with me?”
I hide my smile. Good ol’ Mav giving Levi and me a moment together.
Derek turns to glance at me. His eyes narrow, silently asking if I’m okay with that. I give him an encouraging smile. Across the table, Levi looks away, his jaw tightening.
Mav and Derek stand from the table. Derek places down his napkin and dips his chin, letting me know he won’t be long.
I wait for them to walk away before turning back to Levi. There are so many things I want to talk about. I want to hear about how he’s doing, if he’s made any friends here, if he has an end date in mind, what his plan is for afterwards. Before I can ask, he tosses out his own question.
“How serious is it?” His voice is harder than it was a moment ago. His eyes are focused on mine, scanning my expressions for clues as to what I’m thinking.
I clear my throat. “Wh-what?”
Levi sighs and reaches across the table. He takes my fingers in his hand and squeezes. “You and Reign. How serious?”
I let out a shaky sigh. Derek’s the one who wanted to broach this topic and now, where is he? Looking at a damn golf course.
“It’s complicated,” I reply.
Levi snorts. “It always is with Reign.”
“We’ve had a connection for a long time,” I offer.
“Since summer?” He lifts an eyebrow. “But then we went on tour and he…” He trails off, shaking his head in disbelief.
My heart thumps and my stomach clenches. He what? What did Derek do on tour? Sleep with women? Dabble in drugs? Form a harem?
My throat tightens and I focus on pulling oxygen into my lungs. I have no right to be angry, especially considering the decisions I made. Still, Levi’s words cause new thoughts to form and old ones to shift.
“Since my seventeenth birthday,” I supply. “There’s…always been something there.”
My brother’s eyes narrow and he stares at me, as if he can see straight to my soul. He used to. Can he still? Do we still have that type of connection? The unbreakable bond, the steady reliability, the love that’s greater than our family’s circumstances?
Levi sighs heavily. “I love you, A. I know I’ve been a shitty brother. I know I haven’t been here for you. But I care about you. You’re my sister. I want to see you happy, and Reign…”
“Derek,” I correct. While Clover fans and Mav regularly call Derek by his nickname, I don’t recall my brother ever doing so.
“He’s not for you,” Levi says softly. “You deserve so much more. Better.”
His words cause my chest to ache. “I care about him, Levi.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “He cares about him too.”
I sigh. He’s not telling me anything I don’t know and yet, I want to believe in this improved version of Derek.
I want to give him a second chance and feel like it could work.
“Listen, we don’t have to talk about this right now.
I’m here for you. I…I miss you, Levi. And I don’t want to be estranged anymore. ”
“Me neither,” he agrees instantly. “I never did and the only reason we were is because I didn’t nurture our relationship the way I should have. I’m sorry, A. Truly.”
“It’s okay,” I say, meaning it. I forgive Levi because I want to. Because he’s my family. “You’re my home, Levi. You always have been.”
He drops his head and swipes at his eyes. When he looks up, I can see how much my words affect him. His showing emotion, openly and honestly, causes tears to prick my eyes too. “I love you, Allegra. I’m so happy you came today. Thank you for showing up for me, even when I don’t fucking deserve it.”
I laugh lightly and clutch my brother’s hand. “I love you, too. When you get out of here, we should spend some real time together.”
“Count on it,” he agrees. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I smile. I’ve heard that before and again, I desperately want to believe it.
“Good,” I say. “That would be good.”