Chapter 23
Allegra
“I heard you blew Derek off,” I say to my brother.
We’re lounging outside, in the garden of his facility, drinking iced coffees.
“He come crying to you?” Levi scoffs.
“No.” I shake my head. I hate that I’m about to stick up for Derek, but, “I think he was disappointed. I think he wants to make things right with you.”
“Not gonna happen if he’s screwing you over,” Levi replies.
“What makes you think he’s screwing me over?” I ask.
Levi’s warned me away from Derek before, but other than bringing up Derek’s behavior with women in the past, he’s never had a real reason that pertains specifically to me.
Levi cuts me a look. It says, Are you for real right now?
I toss a hand in his direction, and he sighs.
“A, Derek’s a rock god. Women drop their panties for him and offer to give him babies just for breathing.”
I wince, not needing such a colorful visual.
“I fucking hate that he’s been messing with your head, behind my back, too.”
“It wasn’t really behind your back,” I clarify.
Levi narrows his eyes at me.
I shrug. “It’s complicated. Things between Derek and me started a long time ago. And since then, there’s always been this pull that’s drawn me to him.”
“That’s what he wants you to think. You don’t think he’s had a magnetism with a hundred other women?” Levi asks.
His words land like a sucker punch, and for a moment, I’m too stunned to draw in a breath.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Levi backpedals.
“I just know how Reign thinks. It’s with his dick.
You’re my sister, Allegra. I know I haven’t shown up for you the way I should’ve, but I care about you.
I fucking love you. And I hate that one of my best friends, my bandmate, would screw around with you, not talk to me about it, and continue doing it while I’m in fucking rehab. ”
I take another pull of my iced coffee. “When you say it like that…” I trail off, admitting that it sounds pretty shitty.
“Let me ask you something,” Levi states. I glance at him. “If you truly were head over heels in love with Mckenna’s brother—”
“She doesn’t have one.”
Levi snorts. “Fine. Nova’s brother. Let’s say you’ve got it bad for him, okay?”
“Yeah?” I ask.
“And it means something real.”
“Okay.”
“You wouldn’t tell Nova? You wouldn’t want her blessing or approval or anything?” Levi asks.
His words make sense, yet it isn’t Derek’s fault that we connected while Levi spiraled and then, checked into rehab. Still, I wouldn’t keep the scenario Levi painted from Nova or any of my friends. Confusion swirls in my mind as frustration settles in my stomach. “I get your point.”
“Good,” Levi says.
“But the timing with Derek was during a difficult time for you. Everything between us was uncertain and everything with you was up in the air. Honestly? I think you should talk to him,” I continue. “For the band.”
“Why do you care so much about the band?”
“Seriously?” I give my brother a look. “Do you know me at all? Firstly, I know how much you care about the band. Plus, music is Derek’s language, how he expresses himself.
Thirdly, I adore Mav. I hate the thought that I’m somehow disrupting this group, this vibe, you’ve all had going on for years.
It makes me feel guilty and… I already have enough shit on my plate to feel bad about. ”
Levi looks at me curiously. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Just working through stuff, you know? It would mean a lot to me if you talked to Derek. Just hear him out. I don’t want to come between your friendship. Okay?”
“Fuck, fine,” Levi agrees. I smile. “For you, A. And no promises on the outcome.”
“That’s fair.”
“Besides, I’m getting out soon.”
“You are?” I ask.
“Yeah,” Levi laughs. “This isn’t prison, you know. I can sign out at any time.”
“How do you know when it’s the right time?”
“I don’t yet. I signed on for another sixty days and I’ll follow through with that. Afterwards…well, I’ll talk to my therapist and the support staff. But I’m aiming for that sixty-day mark.”
I reach over and squeeze my brother’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you, Levi.”
He snorts. “Don’t be; I’m nothing to be proud of.”
“Yeah,” I tell him, “you are. I’m glad you’re back.”
“Ahh, A…” He reaches over and wraps his arm around my neck, pulling me in for a side hug. “I missed you.”
“Missed you more,” I admit. I really did.
“How’s your brother doing?” Dex asks as I tie on my apron.
I look up and smile. “Good. He’s…he’s like my brother again. Thanks for asking.”
Dex nods. He crosses his arms over his chest and rocks back on his heels. “And the ex?”
I sigh. “Don’t get me started on him.”
Dex snorts. “Pissed you off or did you dirty?”
I tilt my head, thinking that over. “A little of both. I just, I don’t know if he’s capable of changing, you know? He says one thing but always ends up doing another.”
Dex is silent for a moment. He slips behind the bar and fills up a glass of water, pushing it across to me. “You really think that? That people can’t change?”
I chew the inside of my mouth. I want to believe that Derek can be better. Do better. But every time I start to trust that, he proves me wrong. He becomes unreachable. Or says something stupid. Or straight up leaves.
“I don’t know,” I say finally.
Dex gives me a smirk. “Huh. What about your brother?”
“Levi?”
“Yeah. You said he’s like your brother again. Doesn’t that mean he’s changing? Growing? Improving?”
“I—I guess,” I say, trying to answer Dex’s question through a different lens.
One that focuses on Levi instead of Derek.
Levi has been honest and open; he’s seeking support and working through the steps.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen a profound change in him.
He’s not the same guy he was over the summer in Boston.
“What about me?” Dex asks.
I frown. “What about you?”
“I’m an addict, Allegra,” he states. “I mean, I’ve been in recovery for nearly three years. But I battle those demons every damn day. I work real hard at it.”
“You own a club,” I blurt out.
Dex laughs again. “Exactly. I’m surrounded by temptation. And yet, every day I make the choice to stay clean. To not drink. To choose better and be more. A lot of my friends, people who knew me from before, would say I’ve changed. Are they right?”
“I think so,” I say.
He narrows his eyes and looks at me for a long beat. “Do you?”
I roll my lips together and regard him curiously. What does he want me to say? What does he want me to admit?
“Changing, learning, and growing and evolving—it takes time. Takes a lot of work. Effort. Your ex, is he trying?”
I nod. I can’t deny that Derek has been showing up for me, trying to talk to me, and being more present.
“Maybe the shit he pulls is unacceptable and unforgivable. That’s for you, and only you, to decide. But I truly believe that people can change…”
“Why’d you do it? Get clean and commit to recovery?” I ask, wondering about his backstory. This guy, this larger-than-life man who has mentored me all semester, is an addict. And, until he told me, I had no idea.
Dex sighs. “A few years ago, a woman I dated a long time ago passed away.”
My hand lifts to cover my mouth. “I’m sorry, Dex.” Jesus, I wasn’t expecting him to say that.
“Me too,” he admits. “After she passed, I found out I had a son.”
“You’re a father?” I blurt out, shocked. I squint at him, as if it will help me see him more as someone’s dad. For as long and as well as he’s played a fatherly figure in my life, I never thought that he might have kids. That he might play this role for someone else.
“Apparently,” he chuckles. “I never met my kid. But back then, I knew I couldn’t.
Not unless I was clean. Not unless I was the kind of dad a kid deserved to have.
So, I got sober. I did the work. I turned my life around, bought Beirut.
” He holds his hand out to include the lounge.
“And I’ve been trying to connect with my kid.
At least now, if it works out, I can feel proud that I’ve accomplished something.
That I’m doing something real and meaningful with my life.
That when I wake up in the morning, I know my name and what I want to achieve during the day.
” He drops his elbows to the bar and leans forward. “People can change, A.”
“Yeah,” I say, seeing his point of view.
“Many would’ve said I was a hopeless case,” he tacks on.
I grin and place my hand on his arm. “So, there’s still hope for my ex?”
Dex laughs. “There’s always hope.”
Devy walks into the lounge and slips behind the bar. “What’s good, Dex? Allegra?” she asks.
Dex fills her a glass of water like he did for me and passes it to her. “All good, Devy. How’s your grandma feeling?”
I smile, watching him interact with Devy. He worries about her, knows parts of her life, looks out for her, the same way he does for me.
Dex is a good boss but more than that, he’s a good guy.
And he’s living proof that people can change.
That there’s still hope for Derek. For me and Derek.
Later that night, I receive a text that causes a new spark of hope to flicker.
Derek: I know you’re working so I won’t call until later…but will you go out with me, Allegra? On a date? A real one, where I pick you up and tell you how pretty you are and take you someplace silly and fun?
Me: Only if you bring flowers.
Derek: Tomorrow night, 7 p.m.?
Me: Yes.