Chapter 2
Allegra
“He won’t take the fucking money,” Levi swears and slaps down his returned check on the kitchen island.
I glance at Derek’s name, note the amount, and sigh. “Forget it, then.” I pick up the check and tear it in half.
“I’m not living in a place he paid for,” Levi replies.
“We’re moving,” I remind him.
“I don’t want his fucking money,” my brother continues.
“I know,” I say, agreeing. I don’t want to take Derek’s money either. But…I glance down at my still flat belly. For how long? When do pregnant women start to look pregnant? “Write me a check,” I say.
Surprise crosses Levi’s face. “You want the money?”
“Nope,” I say. “But…” My hand protectively cups my lower abdomen.
What is the baby? The size of a dust speck?
Or a pomegranate seed? When a girl on Ivy’s softball team learned she was pregnant last year, Mckenna told her about a newsletter that will send you your baby’s weekly fruit size.
I should sign up. “I’ll put it in an account for… ”
“The baby,” Levi fills in the blank. Snapping his fingers and pointing at me, he nods enthusiastically. “That’s a great fucking idea.”
“You’ll have to swear less when he or she arrives,” I point out, sitting on a barstool.
Levi snickers and moves to the cabinet to pull out peanut butter. “Want a sandwich?” he asks as he makes a pb and j.
I shrug. “Sure.” Why not? I’m eating for two these days.
“How are you feeling?” Levi asks.
I shake my head. “Confused.”
“Because of the baby? Or Derek?”
“Both.” I drop my elbows to the island and plant my face in my hands. “And I’m fucking—”
“Swearing!”
“Tired. But can’t sleep,” I lament, looking back up.
Levi shoots me a sympathetic glance and slides a plate in front of me.
I pick up my sandwich and take a bite. “Thanks.”
“You should tell him.”
I huff, exasperated. “Through email?”
“Call him,” Levi urges. “Allegra, Derek and I may hardly be speaking but…”
“But?” I pause, my sandwich halfway to my mouth.
“But he’s one of my best friends.”
“Funny. He said the same thing about you.”
“And he deserves to know the truth.”
“Maybe,” I agree. Deep down, I know I need to share the news with Derek. But how? “I don’t know what to say.”
“How about, you’re going to be a dad!” Levi announces, doing jazz hands like a pain in the ass.
“Or thanks for knocking me up,” I deadpan.
Levi smirks. “He’ll be on the next plane out here.”
“I know,” I agree. “That’s partly why I’m not telling him.”
Levi frowns. “You don’t want to see him? Really? Because you’ve been mopey, and I don’t think you can blame all of that on the baby.”
“Hey!” I cup my stomach again. “I’m not blaming shit—anything—on my baby.”
Levi pales. “I didn’t mean it like—”
“And, no, I don’t want Derek to come. One, it’s too hard, okay?
I love him. Am in love with him. I don’t want him hanging around me just because I’m pregnant with his baby.
I want him here because he loves me and is ready to be with me.
Truly, as a partner. And two, he’s doing well.
Working through his own issues. I’m not derailing that until I have more news to tell him. ”
“Like, confirming this pregnancy with an actual doctor instead of a pee stick?”
“Exactly.” I nod.
“And when is that appointment taking place?”
I sigh. “Two weeks.”
“Did you tell the girls?” Levi takes a bite of his peanut butter and jelly.
I sigh again. “Not yet.”
Levi grins even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “So, right now, I’m the only person in your circle of trust?”
I snort and toss a piece of crust at him. “Don’t look so thrilled by that.”
“I am, though. Thrilled. Relieved, even. I want you to trust me again, A.”
“Yeah,” I breathe out. “A lot of people want that.” By people, I mean Derek, and Levi knows it.
“Hey.” He reaches out and places his hand on mine. “I’m here for you, okay? Whatever you need, I’m here. I got you.”
“I know,” I say softly. “Thank you for sorting out all of this.” I gesture to the apartment we’re moving out of tomorrow. Levi got us settled in a newer, bigger, two-bedroom place with more bells and whistles. “And for letting me take a step back from Beirut. I don’t want you to feel—”
“A, stop with the money shit. I’m your brother. You showed up for me while I was in rehab. Let me show up for you. That’s how we used to operate, remember?”
Begrudgingly, I smile. “Yeah, I remember.”
“So, let’s be us, again. We’re doing this.” He holds out his fist for me to bump.
I pretend like I’m considering his offer and Levi barks out a laugh.
Grinning, I tap my knuckles to his. “We’re doing this.”
My brother grins. “We’re having a baby!”
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Don’t say it like that. You don’t need to feed any more gossip columns than you already are.”
Levi snorts, his eyes gleaming. “True.” Then, his gaze softens. “I’m proud of you, A. You’re going to be one hell of a mom.”
“I hope so,” I say, thinking about our mother. She’s a good woman but won’t cross our stern, strict father. Even if it means losing Levi and me.
Glancing down at my invisible dust-speckled pomegranate seed, I heave out a sigh.
Even though this is the shock of a lifetime, I already know I’ll pick my little fruit over everything.
Over my family. Over Derek. Even over myself.
The thought gives me a surge of confidence.
I can do this. I can be a good mom.
I can be enough to this beautiful surprise.
My miracle and my magic.
April 29
4:24 p.m.
Derek,
Yeah, I feel okay. Just, adjustments. Transitions. You know how it goes.
Levi and I are moving into a new place tomorrow. I know you returned his check. I wish you didn’t, but if you insist on being stubborn, I want you to know that I’m putting the money in a savings account. I don’t have the energy for this to be a thing, but in the future, it can be.
I know it’s tough. Wading through emotional things, trying to process them. It’s funny (not really) but the person who probably can relate the most is Levi. Maybe you should reach out to speak with him about non-band things? Maybe he can even help?
In the meantime, I’m happy you’re doing the work. I’m proud of you for showing up. I hope therapy, coupled with music, helps.
And I know for a fact that Dex is happy to speak with you and answer any questions you may have at any time. I don’t know if it’s too soon, but he really is a great guy. He could be a good resource for you, if you let him.
I’m going out to dinner with the girls tonight.
It will be good to spend time with them.
We’ve all been super busy. Mckenna’s been accepted to the University of Boston Law School.
She’s over the moon and sorting out her move back to New England after graduation.
Nova’s smitten with the football player she started dating. And Ivy’s busy with softball.
But, now that I’m back, I want to spend as much time with my friends as possible. Especially with graduation looming.
I hope you have a great week.
Allegra
I send the email before getting into the shower. I’m looking forward to dinner with my friends tonight even if I don’t want to tell them the truth.
I’m pregnant. I’m having Derek’s baby. And he doesn’t know.
Shaking my hair out from the clip I had it pinned back with, I step beneath the hot stream of water. I close my eyes, tip back my head, and let the water wash away my exhaustion. My fear. My loneliness.
Since discovering I’m pregnant, nothing has changed. Other than feeling drained, I don’t feel sick. There’s no nausea or breast tenderness. There’s no food aversions or dizziness.
Shouldn’t I feel something…more? Shouldn’t I feel connected and in tune with my dust-speck? Or blueberry? Or grape?
I didn’t even sign up for the newsletter.
Rinsing the conditioner from my hair, I vow to get my shit together. Now that I’m not working at Beirut, I have more time. More time to plan, to figure out how I’m going to approach this pregnancy, to get prepared.
I step out of the shower and towel off. Then, I blow-dry my hair, apply some simple makeup, and dress in a long sundress and sandals.
First, I need to lean on my support system. That means letting my friends in on the truth.
Steeling my shoulders, I swipe up my car keys and purse. I can do this. It’s going to be fine.
“Levi?” I call out as I leave my bedroom.
My brother’s head pops up from the book he’s reading on the couch.
I frown. “You’re…reading?”
He shrugs. “Had a lot of time in rehab.”
I squint at him. “Clearly.”
He smirks. “Heading out?”
“Dinner with the girls.”
“Good. That’s good, A.”
“Yeah,” I agree, moving toward the door.
“You gonna tell them?” Levi’s voice stops me in my tracks.
Turning to glance back at him, I nod. “I’m going to tell them.”
His grin widens into a true smile. “Have fun.”
I laugh. “Yeah. I’ll try.”
I don’t admit that all of it—the having fun, the telling them, the needing support—would be a hell of a lot easier with a margarita in hand.
But I’m being a responsible adult.
I’m growing into a mother just as much as I’m growing my little fruit into a baby.