Chapter 7 Derek
Derek
She looks exhausted. Beautiful.
Fucking heartbreaking.
I turn away from the hospital bed swallowing up my sweet Stellina. And fuck, I want to roar. Or run.
Restless energy thrums through my veins. It gathers and builds, rising to the base of my throat, where it threatens to suffocate me. I swallow it back. There’s no place for me to put it. There’s no place for it to go.
I step closer to the window and glance outside. It’s sunny and warm, with people milling about on the street below. Oblivious, lost in their thoughts, maybe even happy.
None of them realize that staring down at them, prowling on the edge of a precipice, is a caged lion. A fucking fallen star.
I blow out an exhale and drag a hand through my hair.
I was going to be a father. A fucking dad.
My stomach twists as my chest tightens. I pinch the back of my neck, as if to hold me tethered to this moment.
This thought. The idea is almost too ludicrous to believe.
I don’t know the first thing about being a parent.
The handful of serious connections—commitments—I’ve had, have ended in disaster. Dre. The band. Allegra.
And sure, they’re all still in my life in some capacity, but I can’t pretend that their knowing me hasn’t fucked them up in some way.
Sarah’s face, her ginger corkscrew curls, and laughing eyes flicker to mind.
My little protégé is the only person who still looks at me with open trust. Without a layer of unease.
I frown. Is that what having a kid would be like? Would they love me—unconditionally—until I fucked them up? And then what, would they despise me?
It’s a mind fuck, that’s what it is. And yet, as much as I want to run and roar and drop to my knees and beg someone—maybe that faceless God I pleaded with on the flight here—for answers, I don’t.
I turn away from the window and the sunshine and the oblivious people who are happier than me, and drop into the chair beside the bed.
I stare at the gorgeous beauty I won’t ever deserve, and something inside of me shifts. Settles. I’m staying for her and for the first time in my life, it feels right. I don’t second-guess it. I don’t wonder what if?
I know that I’m here, right now, for however long it takes, because she needs me. And hell, I’ve never not needed her.
The curve of Allegra’s cheeks, the flutter of her long eyelashes as she dreams, the purse of her lips, she’s my everything. I love her. And it hurts to know that she’s hurting. That our baby—a baby I didn’t know existed—isn’t in our future.
Why didn’t she tell me? How could she know that she was pregnant—with our baby, my baby—and tell Levi and her friends before me?
Did she think I wouldn’t show up? Or care?
Did she think she couldn’t trust me with the news?
The realization that I had no fucking clue, would still have no idea, if Levi didn’t call me twists my stomach. I feel sick about it and yet, there’s no place to put that anger either.
I can’t pile it on my Stellina. Not when she was scared and confused and uncertain. Not when I took off, unable to handle my own shit, and left her behind.
But understanding our unique situation doesn’t make me feel better. If anything, I feel fucking worse. Bitterness coats my tongue and explodes in my gut.
I was going to be a father. I roll my lips together to keep from smiling at the thought. I don’t deserve to fucking smile.
Besides, the idea of becoming a dad should scare me more than it is.
Is it because it’s no longer happening?
Or is it because I know, deep down, that with Allegra as our child’s mother, there would be hope. There would be sunshine and happiness and magic. There would be a slice of that oblivious happy-go-lucky outlook I crave as much as it annoys me.
I reach forward to brush my fingers through her hair. My Stellina. Even in sleep, she glows. And in the darkest of days, the bleakest of moments, her spirit shines.
No, I’ll never deserve her. But I’m done running.
For her, I’ll stay and wait forever.
“How is she?” Levi knocks gently on the door.
“Still sleeping,” I admit, glancing at my watch. “Dr. Davis offered to discharge her about forty minutes ago but…” I shrug, glancing at her sleeping form. Allegra must be physically exhausted and mentally drained. The rest is good for her.
“Let her sleep,” Levi murmurs. “God knows she was in that waiting room for too fucking long.” He moves to the window and leans against it, staring at me.
“What?” I ask.
Levi lifts his chin. “How are you holding up?”
“Fuck,” I bark out, unprepared for his question. I grip the back of my neck. “My head’s a mess.”
Levi nods. “To be expected.”
“Is it?” I challenge.
“This would fuck with anyone, Derek.” His tone holds more compassion than I deserve.
I lean forward in my chair, dropping my elbows to my knees. Glance up at him. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“She was scared,” he admits.
“That I’d—”
“It wasn’t only about you,” he cuts me off.
I sit up straight. If it wasn’t about me, then who the hell was it about?
Levi smirks. “Not everything is about you, ya know?”
I flip him the middle finger.
His smirk widens into a grin before he shakes his head.
“She was processing. I think she was torn, to be honest. On one hand, it was this total curveball. She’s not ready to be a mom.
She doesn’t have a plan. But part of her was hopeful.
Happy. I don’t think she knew what to think, and until she had a handle on her emotions about it, she didn’t want to tell anyone. ”
“She told you,” I point out.
He rolls his eyes. “Not much of a choice when I’m living with her.”
“She told her friends,” I remind him.
“We had to talk about that. And they would’ve thought something was really wrong if she suddenly begged off margaritas.”
“Fair,” I begrudgingly admit.
“Mate, she didn’t want to overwhelm herself any more than she already was.
And, let’s be honest, you weren’t here, and you were working through legit things.
Tell me if the positions were reversed, you’d call my sister up and drop a bomb on her fucking head when she’s already in the deep end, desperately trying to make it to the shallows? ”
I lean back in my chair and think over Levi’s words. “I would’ve come back.” I sound defensive.
“I know,” Levi gives me the out. “I think she knew too. She wanted to confirm the pregnancy first. It was important to her to hear the heartbeat on her own, and know this was happening. For real.”
“What happened?”
“When she went in for the appointment, the doctor discovered the pregnancy wasn’t viable.”
“Ectopic,” I spit the word, hating it, even though up until a few hours ago, I didn’t even know what it meant.
“Yeah. Ectopic,” Levi repeats. “I called you as soon as I hung up with her.”
“I got on a private plane.”
“Figured. I didn’t expect you to be here this quickly.” He shakes his head. “Or for her to have to wait so damn long.”
“I didn’t think I’d make it here in time for whatever the hell was going down,” I admit, recalling my desperate prayers.
“Glad you did.”
I nod and look at my friend. Really look at him, so he can see the resolve in my expression, read my intent. “I’m not leaving her.”
He stares back at me. “Good.”
“I want her to live with me.”
Levi scoffs. “That’s between you and my sister.”
“Yeah,” I agree, straightening in my chair and hunching forward.
I glance up at my bandmate. “But would that mess with your recovery? If Allegra was at my place and you were living solo?” As much as I want Allegra in my place, in my fucking bed, in my arms, I know how hard Levi’s worked to get to where he is. I don’t want to mess with that either.
Levi looks surprised. “I, uh, I don’t know. I’m taking things one day at a time. Hitting up meetings, sometimes twice a fucking day,” he admits.
I nod. “Can’t be easy.”
“It’s not.” Levi sighs and steps toward me.
“Derek, nothing worth a goddamn thing is easy. Relationships, even the one with ourselves, are the hardest. You want something meaningful in your life? Then you need people. Connections. My sister knows that more than anyone, and she knew it early on too. I’m glad you’re not going anywhere.
She deserves someone to put her first, and you and I are finally giving her what she gave us for a long time. ”
“Support?” I guess.
He smiles. “Love, you dumb fuck.”
I laugh. Levi chuckles.
He tips his head toward the door. “Go take a walk.”
I shake my head. “Not leaving, remember?”
He flips me the finger. “I want a minute with my sister. Go. Take a piss. Grab a coffee. Give me a few minutes.”
I sigh. “All right,” I say, standing. “I’m going to grab a coffee. Make some phone calls. I’ll be back in a few to check on her. You need anything?”
“Nah,” he says, sitting down in my vacant chair. “I’ll message you if she wakes up.”
“Thanks,” I say. I move toward the door and turn back to watch Levi lean closer to his sister’s side.
For months, maybe years, Allegra yearned for a real relationship with Levi. It’s good to see them healing old wounds, to witness them showing up for each other.
They remind me that I can right old wrongs, too.
Stepping into the hallway, I hit up Hendrix to arrange for studio time. I talk to Sam back in Boston. I check in with my manager, Jess, and run a few things by Aiden, my lawyer.
Then, I grab a coffee. I go outside, step into the sunshine, and move through the warm breeze until I find a bench.
I plop down. Smile and say congrats to a beaming woman who announces that she just became a grandmother. She’s fucking happy.
I pull out my phone and dial.
“Hello?” He answers on the second ring.
“Dex?” I say. Clear my throat. “It’s Derek.”
“Derek.” If he’s surprised, he doesn’t show it.
His calm demeanor sets me at ease.
“How’s it going?” Dex asks after a beat of silence.
I bite the corner of my mouth to keep from—what? Laughing? Or maybe crying? I don’t know what the fuck it is, but a bubble of emotion, a fucking squall, rises inside of me. Crashes down on top of me. I heave out a shaky exhale. “Not great,” I admit.
“You wanna talk?” he offers. And it’s such a fucking dad thing to say, devoid of the judgement I expected. The judgement I’m used to. I fight back tears.
“Can we?” I nearly sob.
“Hell yeah,” Dex replies. “You up for a Coke and a burger?”
I nod, before remembering he can’t see me. “That’d be great. Is tomorrow okay? Lunchtime?” I don’t want to take off now. Not until Allegra is settled and comfortable in her own bed.
“Lunch sounds good. I’ll text you the details to a spot I like. Noon?”
“Noon,” I confirm. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you, Dex.”
“Yeah,” he mutters. Then, “Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad you called, Derek.”
New emotions swell in my chest. Fuck, what the hell is happening to me?
I clear my throat again. “Same. See you tomorrow.” I disconnect before I do something insane, like fucking sob.
I stand and pace in front of the hospital for a few minutes.
Thoughts swirl in my mind. Emotions I’m unfamiliar with wrestle for space in the cavity of my chest. My fingers tremble with that restless need to create.
I pull in a deep, cleansing breath. Let it out.
Look around at the people milling around and smile.
Hell, maybe I can be happy too.