Chapter 27
EVERYTHING IN JOSH WAS numb, and it had nothing to do with the freezing ground.
He felt nothing, he thought nothing, he was nothing.
At that moment, he simply floated through space, willing everything around him to a grinding halt.
It was his version of meditating that he started as a kid after Eddie and Leigh Anne put him in therapy following the accident.
The therapist had helped him enter this calming state of mind where nothing could touch him and nothing could hurt him. It was one of his safe spaces that he used when he couldn’t make sense of the world around him.
Since that day, he’d developed a few different safe spaces so that he’d always have options.
One of them was this state of unfeeling; another was his happy place, where he imagined he was a five-year-old again, sitting on Bàba’s shoulders and watching the Fourth of July fireworks overhead, his Māmā at their side gazing at him with so much love.
The third place where he felt safest was in Riley’s arms.
Riley.
He’d almost forgotten Riley was here with him.
With his eyes still closed, he reached out in front of him, trying to grab for Riley’s hand but only catching air, until Riley’s gloved hand grabbed his own.
He didn’t have the strength to pull Riley to the ground with him, but he needed him close.
Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he called out to him, “Come here.”
Riley immediately settled on the ground next to Josh. They lay shoulder to shoulder atop his Māmā and Bàba’s graves, Josh squeezing Riley’s hand to ground him in the present.
Something in Josh calmed with Riley so close, like a roller coaster grinding to a lurching halt at the end of a ride.
This was what he needed, Riley by his side to keep him from dropping in free fall.
“When I lost Māmā and Bàba,” he said, his voice cracking as if he hadn’t used it in years, “I was lost, and the only time I felt better was when I was with you. I still feel that way sometimes.”
Riley said nothing, but squeezed his hand, letting him say what he needed to say.
“I’d always thought it was my fault they were gone, and now knowing it wasn’t, that they were some casualty of a government conspiracy, I’m not even sure if it’s better or worse.
It makes me wonder how many other people were affected by it, how many other kids are missing their parents because they were names on a list, loose ends that needed to be tied up.
“I’ll likely never know, but all it makes me feel is angry. I’m mad that I spent so much time hating myself and blaming myself for someone else’s wrongs. What gave them the right to take my parents away from me? Hell, we could have gone home to China if they didn’t want us here. It’s such a waste.”
Josh opened his eyes and rolled on his side to see Riley on his back, watching Josh with glassy eyes and a red nose, from the cold or from crying with him, he wasn’t sure.
“I don’t want to waste any more time, Ri.”
Riley’s brow furrowed. “Then don’t. You’re in charge of your life. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do together. If you want me there, I mean.”
Josh gave him a small smile and leaned forward to press a soft kiss to Riley’s cold lips, then he rolled over to face his parents.
“Māmā, Bàba, I miss you both so much, but Riley is here with me still, and he’s always got my back, so I think we’ll be okay.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out two glow sticks, cracking each of them and laying one on each of his parents’ graves.
“Here’s something to help you find your way, like you helped me so many times.
I hope you’re proud of me, wherever you are.
And I hope you’re okay with me being with Riley, because it turns out he’s the best partner a guy could ask for, and I think he’s everything you’d want for me.
I’m not sure how you would have felt about same-sex relationships, I guess I’ll never know, but I hope you can give us your blessing because he’s it for me.
He’ll protect me like you did, and I’ll be there for him through it all.
And maybe one day if we have kids, you’ll be there to help guide us. ”
Josh turned to Riley, only slightly worried he’d said too much, but Riley beamed at him, tears streaking down on his cheeks.
He turned to his parents. “I’m going to start taking care of him right now by getting him out of this cold, but I wanted to let you know everything. I hope you’re still proud of me.”
When he looked at Riley, he saw a snowflake fall on his knit hat, and his gaze snapped toward the sky. Snow began falling, and Josh giggled.
“I’m going to take that as a yes. Zàijiàn, Māmā and Bàba. Goodbye.”
He sprang to his feet and held out his hand to pull Riley off the ground. He jumped right into Josh’s arms and pulled him tightly against him.
Riley kept his arms around Josh, but pulled away enough to look at him. “Did you mean it? You’re really in this with me?”
All Josh could do was smile. “This may not be the most romantic place to tell you this, but I love you so much, Ri. And not like the way I’ve always loved you as my best friend.
You’re my soulmate. It’s always been me and you.
I’m in love with you, and I don’t want to be with anyone else because you’re it for me. ”
A choked laugh escaped Riley, his breath like a puff of smoke in the frigid air.
“I’m in love with you too. I think I always have been, and nothing is ever gonna stop me from loving you and from doing everything I can to protect you and be there for you.”
Josh brought his forehead to Riley’s and breathed out a sigh of relief.
“That’s all I want, you and me. Forever.”
“Forever sounds good to me too.”
A gust of wind blew through the cemetery and pushed Josh further into Riley’s embrace, drawing a chuckle from him.
“I think that’s my parents’ way of saying they approve.”
“Yeah, that and maybe to get out of the cold,” Riley said as he took Josh’s hand and pulled him toward the exit of the cemetery.
Josh took one more look at his parents, the glow sticks glowing against the stone of their graves. He’d live a good life for them, every day he could.
After the chaos of Garrett’s news, Josh had finally found some kind of peace.
With Riley by his side, he would be okay. One day, they’d have their own family to take care of, their own kids to build memories with. But for now, Josh wanted to live in the present and enjoy the journey.
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That night they had dinner with their families at the Hanson house. Everyone gathered around the dining room table covered with food.
Sophie regaled everyone with the latest gossip from the Philly Inferno. It sounded like a soap opera at times with everything they were dealing with. Rebuilding seasons were never fun for sports teams.
“The egos on this team are wild, but I think they’ll get a handle on it. They’re all so lucky they’re good-looking because they sure do act like a bunch of idiots sometimes,” she said, finishing a story about the latest trade and the conflict it had caused.
“Make sure you don’t get distracted by all that drama. I’m sure your bosses wouldn’t like it if you were fraternizing with one of them,” Aunt Allison said.
“No way,” Sophie said, curling her lip thinking about it. “Those guys are way too dramatic for me. They’re just nice to look at.”
“You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, Soph,” Uncle Zac agreed. “You could do better.”
“Better than a multi-millionaire athlete? I dunno about that, but I’ll certainly try,” Sophie said, chuckling into her chili.
Josh shared an amused glance with Riley. Whoever Sophie ended up with would need to be someone organized and calm to keep her balanced.
Since Josh had already found his perfect partner, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. He and Riley had talked about telling their parents about their new relationship, and they’d decided to look for an opening that night.
“Money isn’t everything,” his mom, Leigh Anne, said. “We did okay for ourselves but we were never rolling in the dough, and we couldn’t be happier, right, honey?”
Eddie turned to her with a dopey smile. “We’re still very happy together, but I sure wouldn’t turn down some extra travel money.”
They all laughed and nodded in agreement. Money didn’t buy happiness, but it sure made things easier.
Josh thought about his and Riley’s college days when they were scraping together every dollar they could to start their business. Times were hard, but he wouldn’t trade those days for anything in the world.
“So true, but all I mean is money is nice and it sure is helpful not to struggle,” Leigh Anne said. “But you want to find someone who will struggle with you through those bad times, someone who’ll stand by your side through thick and thin.”
“Riley and I are in love!” Josh blurted, and the table went silent, heads snapping in their direction. Josh could feel Riley stiffen next to him.
“Hell yeah!” Sophie said, looking between their parents. “That’s amazing news. You guys have always been the perfect pair. Makes total sense you’d fall in love.”
“Sweetie, you’re serious?” Leigh Anne asked, a hesitant smile growing on her face. “You and Riley are together? Like, together together?”
Josh turned to Riley for confirmation. He could see Riley's body tense but he remained resolute as he took a deep breath and answered.
“Yes, we’re serious,” Riley said, reaching for Josh’s hand on the table. “It kind of came out of nowhere, but in hindsight, I don’t know how I missed it this whole time.”
Uncle Zac clapped. “That’s great news. I always knew you kids were close, but I didn’t realize either of you felt that way. I’m gonna grab some champagne to celebrate.”
He stood and walked to the liquor cabinet on the other side of the dining room.
“Now we don’t have to worry about these boys bringing home some wayward girl who's not good enough for either of them, that’s for sure,” Eddie said.