Chapter 31
Tommy
Alright, so Young-gi is right. I’m not acting like myself. Because for the first time–maybe ever–I feel really…
Good.
I’m…I’m fucking in love with him.
And that’s terrifying, so I’m also a fucking anxious wreck.
Distracted, lost in my thoughts. For the past two days, Young-gi’s been grabbing my chin and making me look at him, like he’s trying to read my mind through my eyes.
He’s as stone-cold as ever, impossible to read, but his steady presence is so comforting.
He’s been watching me, clearly knowing that something is wrong. He reads me so well.
And I hate that, love that, hate that I love it because it’s so easy to lose. One little mistake might bring all this crashing down.
I feel hyper-aware of my body. My skin feels strange, like all it wants is to be under Young-gi’s hands again. I really didn’t expect to be able to have sex with him and cum, too. It’s like he fixed me or something. I feel excited, thrilled.
And stupid and scared because of course he didn’t ‘fix’ me, so what if I can’t cum for him next time? What if that disappoints him?
And I’m sad. Despondent and melancholic, as if I’m already mourning losing this new happiness. The crushing feeling of impending doom, the knowledge that nothing really, truly lasts, is a heavy weight, dragging me down.
But goddamn, I also feel really good.
Obviously, I’m just as much of a mess as always.
But it’s a new kind of mess. I’m not stable, that’s for fucking sure, so that’s the same as always.
But I feel quiet. There’s a hollowness inside me where my bitterness and my self-hatred used to be.
Sure, it will come back sometimes, I know that.
But for now, it’s empty. And I’m almost at a loss.
What am I going to do now? What am I supposed to do without that driving force of rage pushing me forward?
Without that fuel burning inside me, how do I even move?
“Tommy?” Kira laces our fingers together, reclaiming my attention.
She’s had to do that over and over again already and the fundraiser has barely started.
My mind’s been drifting to memories of my chase and fuck with Young-gi.
It was the most profound and most intense sexual experience of my life, but other than some cuddling and his unwavering stare, he hasn’t initiated anything again.
He asked me outright in the limo how I was feeling, and I shut him down. Is he upset with me about that? I usually give him what he asks for. I just, I need time to process this, dammit.
“Tommy,” Kira says again and I force myself to listen. “I’m going to go visit with my uncle. Alright?”
“Okay.” My stomach flips just at the thought of him and my voice comes out high pitched, my throat tight. Goddamn, I want to find him and tell him how I feel. I need him to know. But I’m such a fucking coward. And so unstable.
What if he rejects me?
And he’d be right to, because I’m so messy and high maintenance, aren’t I?
An emotional wreck that’s always causing trouble.
And maybe he likes the emotional stuff–my temper, my brattiness–but I come with other baggage, too.
He might have a kink for Daddy play, for correcting me, but there’s no way his kink extends to all the other shit that comes with me.
Case in point? This blackmailer. I really think it makes more sense if it’s someone I know, from my world.
And even if it turns out to be Brian, or Gregory or Leonard, isn’t that my fault too? If they want to mess with me, it’s because I lost my temper and beat the shit out of them.
“Tommy?” Kira pokes me in the side and I jump.
“Uh, yeah, sorry. Go ahead. I’ll just,” I wave my hand at the art around me. “Look around.”
“Hey,” Kira steps in front of me, so I’m looking right at her. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why does everybody keep asking me that? I’m like, better than I’ve ever been.”
“Are you sure?”
I open my mouth, then shut it. Nah, I’m not sure.
I’m not angry right now, not feeling that volatile, toxic shit building inside me, so I feel lighter than a feather.
I could dance on air right now, that’s how light I feel.
But I’m not exactly worry-free, and this turmoil might not be violent, but it still rocks me to my core.
I’m not a hurricane anymore, but I still feel motion-sick.
I’m glad Young-gi has been keeping me close. I’ve needed his steady attention these past couple days.
“I will be. Go on,” I gently spin her and nudge her to the staircase. “Go talk with Young-gi. I’ll be here. I’ll let you know if anything happens.”
She gives me a reassuring smile over her shoulder, as sweet as always, and walks away.
Leaving me alone with my thoughts. I try to look at the art, like I said I would, but it’s weird-looking stuff that I don’t really get the point of. It’s all psychedelic shit, and if it means anything at all, I don’t know what it could be.
I bet being high here would be awesome, though. I should’ve grabbed some extra poppers from Maggie.
Pretty, fluttery, hanging tatters of paper and fabric drape over one entire wall, moving slightly in the air conditioning, drawing everyone’s eyes to the subtle movement, so fluid and hypnotic.
It rises all the way from our floor to the second-story overlook, where most of the older adults and billionaire donors are mingling, being snobby about the fundraiser and probably chatting about how much money they have.
Young-gi is up there.
I feel a lurch in my gut and sway on my feet because I want to go up to him. I want to put my eyes on him, have his eyes on me. I might be confused, I might be feeling muffled and strange, but I’ll always want him.
Although, he hasn’t made any moves in the past two days. Not since the morning he chased me. Maybe he only wanted to experiment with me, and he isn’t really as gay as he thought. Maybe now that he’s had sex with a man, he isn’t sure he wants it again.
Normally, that kind of thought would make me raging mad, ready to burn the bridge before he could. But right now? I just can’t stop thinking about the way he’s been staring at me. He doesn’t watch me like someone who isn’t interested.
But he hasn’t touched me like that again, either. Is he waiting for me to say something? Maybe I should.
Or maybe he only wants to fuck me when I’m being a brat. If that’s the case, it’s only a matter of time. I might be changing into some new Tommy, but I’ll always be a fucking brat. I know that in my bones. As soon as I’m through with this strange mood, I’ll be back to mouthing off.
I just need some time to process.
Lexie and Janessa appear from behind a sharp and pointy crystal thing, tolerating each other’s presence in a way I never would’ve thought possible at the summit only two weeks ago. They’re getting along for Kira’s sake.
Lexie’s eyes are annoyed, but not at Janessa. “The brothers are here,” she complains. “Gregory and Leonard.”
“Where’s Kira?” Janessa asks, as obsessed as always.
“Upstairs with Young-gi,” I point. “Is the dumb duo bothering you?”
“No,” Lexie scowls. “No more than usual. They’re just obnoxious. And they were asking about you, if you were here. Maybe you should go be with Kira and Mr. Sokolov. They won’t bother you if he’s around. He’s clearly protective of you.”
You have no idea. A flash of intense memory from the other day, of him grabbing me and dragging me into the dark to spank my ass, makes my cheeks heat.
I flush, smirk, frown, sigh. The girls stare at me, and Lexie clicks her tongue.
“Poor Tommy,” she pats my shoulder. “You’ve got it bad.”
“Shut up,” I chuckle, but my heart flutters. She’s right. I’ve got it bad. I’m practically sick with it. If catching feelings for someone was fatal, I’d be six feet under already.
And maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. Maybe, even though I know I love him, I don’t know how to be in love.
And it’s crazy to be in love so soon anyway, isn’t it? There’s so much about him I still don’t know. So much to learn about him. But that thought doesn’t make me feel less in love, it just makes me feel excited to spend more time with him.
See? I’m fucking terminal.
I don’t know how to love someone. Anyone. Let alone someone like him. Larger than life, with more gravity than a black hole, his draw undeniable.
I wish I could say I just loved his dick, his Daddy attitude, the way he makes me cum. But it’s more than that. It’s devastating.
“Tommy.” Janessa’s warning snaps me back to reality and I look up to see the brothers from the summit, Gregory and Leonard.
They’re as plain and boring as I recall. Nothing about them is memorable, let alone intimidating. They might be stupid enough to write out a blackmail letter, but are they ballsy enough? Desperate enough? I doubt it. That kind of desperation comes from poverty, not privilege.
They spot me and sneer, strut over, confident that I won’t start anything with so many witnesses. I’m not sure why they think that, but I guess they aren’t totally wrong. I prefer to make moves in the dark.
But they’d better not fucking push me.
“Claremont,” Gregory greets me icily. Then nods dismissively at the girls. “Ladies.”
Dickwad.
“Boys,” I tip my head to them. “You’re looking better than the last time I saw you.”
Oops. I almost wince. I was just thinking that they’d better not push me, but it seems like I’m the one who’s doing the pushing. Their faces flush red and Leonard balls his fists.
“We’re going to go find Kira,” Janessa says quickly. “Tommy?” She holds her hand out to me, inviting me to make a graceful exit with her.
But what she doesn’t know is that these two idiots are Young-gi’s suspects for the blackmail. Lexie and Janessa don’t know anything about that, but I need to give these mouth breathers a chance to show their cards. Just like in poker, they’ll be easy to read once I get them alone.