Chapter One #2
I used to be good at talking myself down from the ledge. Back when the panic attacks were just garden variety anxiety and not the souvenirs of systematic abuse. I tried now, struggling to find the rhythm of controlled breathing that had once been second nature.
I pressed my forehead against my knees, trying to make myself smaller.
A tear leaked from the corner of my eye, sliding hot down my cheek.
Then another. I wiped them away furiously with the heel of my hand.
I was not going to cry in this fucking corner like a child because someone broke a vase.
I was not going to be this broken thing Eric created.
But the tears kept coming, silent but unstoppable. They weren’t really about the vase or even about the flashback. They were tears of pure frustration at my body’s betrayal and my mind’s inability to distinguish past from present. And for how pathetic I’d been for so long. Now I had nothing.
* * *
I’d come to an agreement with Hannah. I helped out with housekeeping, cooking, and anything else needed in Haven, and I could stay longer.
At least, that was the agreement I proposed.
She’d smiled and told me that of course I could stay.
That there were no conditions and I could stay as long as I wanted.
As safe as I felt here, I knew it would be a long while before I “wanted” to leave.
And also, I didn’t really believe they’d let me stay here much longer.
It was past time I left. I just couldn’t make myself go.
Now, I pushed the supply caddy, which seemed to weigh a ton, its wheels squeaking as I pushed it down the hallway.
Hannah had asked me to deliver fresh towels and toiletries to the linen closet where everyone got what they needed.
A simple task, but it got me away from the sympathetic glances after my meltdown in the common room.
The building designated for Haven had been a former warehouse but someone had converted the place into a very comfortable, very soothing atmosphere inside.
I passed the small office and approached the security station that controlled access to the entire building.
The security here was insane and every security guard working here took their job very seriously.
No one got inside Haven who didn’t belong.
The door was ajar, and I slowed as I heard Hannah’s voice from inside, clearer and more authoritative than her usual soft-spoken manner.
“-- have to adjust the rotations since Noose’s funeral. We can’t leave any gaps in coverage, especially at night. The restraining orders don’t mean shit if --”
I hesitated outside the door, not wanting to interrupt but also curious about the changes happening around us.
Noose had been killed just before I came here.
He’d died in the same fire that had nearly claimed the lives of Mia and Oktober, as well as Pain and Inferno.
The Kiss of Death MC had been providing security for Haven since its founding, a fact that had initially terrified me until I realized they were the only thing standing between the women here and the men who might come looking for them.
More than once, I’d been ashamed of the way Eric had called these men criminals.
I’d learned that while most of them had killed, they’d all had good reasons for what they’d done and had taken their punishment.
I knocked lightly on the doorframe, the caddy parked beside me. “Sorry to interrupt. I have supplies for --”
The words died in my throat as I stepped into the doorway and saw who Hannah was talking to.
A large man filled the small security office with his presence across from Hannah.
The Kiss of Death leather cut stretched across shoulders that could have belonged to a linebacker.
His dark hair was buzzed short on the sides but longer on top, and a shadow of stubble darkened his jaw.
But it was his hands that held my attention.
They were large and weathered, with scars across the knuckles.
I didn’t know this man, but he obviously belonged to the club.
I froze, instinctively. I didn’t like strange men. Most of the women here had issues with strange men. I gaped at the guy, feeling like prey caught in a predator’s trap.
“Jade, perfect timing,” Hannah said, seemingly oblivious to my reaction.
“This is Rip. He’s taking over Noose’s security detail.
” She turned to the man. “Rip, this is Jade. She’s been with us about a month now and has been helping with chores.
She’s been a lifesaver in so many ways.” Hannah gave me a smile before reaching out to take my hand and tug me farther inside the office.
“If you can’t find something, ask Jade. She’ll either know where it is or if we have whatever it is you need. ”
I managed a tight nod, my throat too dry for words. This man was here to protect us, not harm us. I knew he wouldn’t be here if he were a bad person, but my body hadn’t gotten the memo.
“Rip’s going to be handling the night shift security,” Hannah explained, filling the quiet.
I nodded again, stealing a glance at the man from beneath my lashes.
I found it difficult to read the guy. His gaze was direct and penetrating, taking in everything around him.
When they met mine, I felt a jolt of emotion.
Not fear, exactly, but I knew he could see straight through to the very core of me and saw the wreckage hidden underneath the surface. His eyes were intense but kind.
The longer he looked at me, the more his gaze narrowed. He looked almost startled. He turned his head slightly toward me and rubbed the center of his chest absently as though it ached.
I dropped my gaze immediately, studying the scuffed toes of my shoes. My chest tightened with the familiar anxiety that men triggered in me. This man saw things I didn’t want him to see. I knew it like I knew my own name.
“Good to meet you,” I managed to say. I backed toward the door, eager to escape the intensity of his gaze. “I should let you get back to it.”
Rip nodded once. He still hadn’t spoken, but somehow his silence wasn’t threatening. It felt considerate. As if he understood that his voice might be too much for me right now.
I slipped out of the doorway and leaned against the wall in the corridor, breathing deeply to slow my racing heart. Through the partially open door, I could hear Hannah resuming their conversation as if they hadn’t been interrupted.
I pushed away from the wall and headed back toward the common area, my mind replaying those few moments of eye contact.
There had been something oddly comforting about the weight of his gaze.
Rip hadn’t given me the predatory assessment I’d grown accustomed to from Eric but simply waited.
Watchful in the way a guardian surveys their charge.
Strangely, for the first time since arriving at Haven, I felt truly seen.
Not as a victim or someone who’d betrayed her best friend, but as a person worth protecting.
The sensation was as unsettling as it was reassuring.
I also knew I didn’t deserve his protection.
Or anyone’s really. Maybe that was why I didn’t want to leave.
I knew once I did, I’d be on my own to fend for myself and I didn’t know if I could.
Most residents retreated to their rooms after dinner, but I found myself gravitating toward the open spaces. Tonight I sat at a low table near the bookshelves, helping Lynne, a nine-year-old with gap teeth and perpetually untied shoelaces, go through her multiplication tables.
I smiled as she worked through her homework, her tongue poking out between her teeth with the effort.
Lynne’s mother, Tanya, had started attending the GED prep classes Haven offered three nights a week, leaving Lynne in the unofficial evening childcare rotation that the residents had organized amongst ourselves.
Mia worked with the adults and the kids, but I helped with homework.
Mia and I hadn’t had a meaningful discussion yet. I tried to stay out of her way. She was nice enough, but she no longer acted like my best friend and I had no one but myself to blame. One more reason I really needed to leave Haven and Nashville altogether.
“I hate math,” Lynne grumbled, pulling me back to her homework. “When am I ever gonna use this?”
I laughed softly. “More than you’d think. Remember when we made cookies last weekend? How do you think we doubled the recipe? That’s all math.”
Her eyes widened. “That doesn’t count. That’s just cooking.”
“Cooking is science and math together,” I told her, tapping her paper. “Two more problems, and we can take a break.”
I felt a strange awareness of being observed. In my former life, Eric’s scrutiny had been a prelude to criticism or worse. But the gaze I felt now was different.
I turned my head and saw Rip sitting in the security office with the door open.
Most of the guys kept the door shut unless they thought the noise from the kids playing got too loud.
Tiny said noise meant the women needed help rounding up the “little hellions,” and he liked to watch the fun.
Rip had a small, contented smile behind his short beard, like he enjoyed watching the scene before him.
“Done!” Lynne announced, pushing her completed worksheet toward me with pride.
I checked her work, finding only one mistake. “Amazing job. I’m so proud of you!” I squeezed her hand gently, and Lynne preened at my encouragement and praise.
While she packed away her things in her backpack, I glanced back at Rip. He still smiled, but nodded at me, a small acknowledgment. Then he turned back to his work.
Helping the children here made me feel more like my former self than anything else. The me before Eric. The intelligent, self-assured young woman who would surely make her mark in the world.
And look at me. My life hadn’t turned out the way I’d wanted. I’d been beaten down and broken. Now, I had to find a way to put myself back together. I just didn’t know how to go about it.
I risked another glance at Rip’s office…
and found him staring at me intently. Though I trembled and had to fight the overwhelming urge to run, I managed to hold his gaze.
It was a risk. No man in Kiss of Death was safe.
They protected us all, but they’d all killed.
Some of them multiple times. But, to a man, they protected women and children.
Rip wouldn’t hurt me or he wouldn’t be here.
Slowly, as if trying not to spook me, Rip stood. He took several tentative steps in my direction, stopping well away from the table where I sat.
“Someone hurt you.”
I nodded slowly. “Yes. Someone hurt me.”
“Did you kill them?” His voice was soft and rumbly. The sound reminded me of rolling thunder during a soft spring rain.
“No,” I answered, my voice unsteady as memories of the last time I’d seen Eric flooded my mind.
He grunted, frowning. “Someone else kill him?”
Again, I shook my head, this time in confusion. “Not that I know of.”
Again, he grunted and continued to watch me. I watched him back, not daring to move. Not because I feared him, but it felt like something was about to happen and if I broke the spell, it would vanish.
Finally, Rip shifted and half turned to go back to his office. Then he stopped and took a breath. “If you need me to kill him, let me know. I’ll take care of him for you.” Then he went back to his office and closed the door.
I had to replay the interaction in my mind to absorb what had just happened. Rip had offered to kill Eric. Because he’d hurt me? Surely he couldn’t have been serious.
I hated violence. As much as I never wanted to see Eric again, I could never actually kill him or tell someone to kill him. That just wasn’t me. But, for some strange, godforsaken reason, I felt the corner of my lips raise in a smile. Then a small giggle escaped and there was only one thing to say.
“Oh, how sweet…”
Yeah. That was the stuff of romance novels right there.