Chapter Six
Jade
I shifted from foot to foot at the edge of the community room, counting the women who’d already gathered on the blue exercise mats spread across the floor.
Five of them, all wearing some variation of sweatpants, T-shirts, hair pulled back, and soft sneakers.
Hannah had mentioned the self-defense class yesterday, suggested I might benefit from it.
I’d nodded and smiled, thinking I’d find an excuse not to come.
Yet here I was, arms wrapped tight around myself, watching Rip and Caleb adjust the mats in the center of the circle.
Rip’s large form seemed somehow less intimidating than it should have been.
Three days had passed since our afternoon at the pier.
I couldn’t help but look to see if I caught his eye across the room whenever I saw him.
I wanted to sit and study him. Just… look at him.
Observe. He always made a point to stop and talk to me every day.
More than once. I felt like our brief conversations helped me make it through each hour sometimes, grounded me in some fundamental way.
Now he stood in the middle of this makeshift training space, black T-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, tattoos peeking out from beneath the short sleeves.
I liked looking at him as a man, as someone I wanted to be with.
Not for the sex. For security and protection.
Rip had proven he wanted to make me comfortable.
I wanted to think he felt a connection with me that made him want to keep me safe from my nightmares.
Which was totally ridiculous. I was a cheater. Who’d fucked my best -- and only -- friend’s boyfriend. I didn’t deserve someone as kind and protective as Rip. Not in a million years.
I thought about leaving. I even turned to go, but Penny stopped me. “You joining us?” Penny asked, appearing at my elbow. She smiled so kindly at me, like she truly wanted me to be there. I didn’t deserve her kindness either.
“I’m not sure I should.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them.
She gave me a gentle smile. “Neither was I the first time. But it helps. With any frustrating problem.” She inclined her head toward the circle. “Come on. You can stand next to me.”
Before I could form another excuse, she’d guided me onto a mat. Rip saw me moving to join them immediately. He gave a small nod of acknowledgment, nothing more.
“We’ll start simple today,” he said, his deep voice carrying easily without shouting. “The goal isn’t to win a fight. It’s to create space so you can get away.”
There was something surreal about watching Rip, a large and intimidating man, show so much care as he demonstrated techniques.
I’d never seen someone with such infinite patience, no matter how many times he had to explain or demonstrate something.
Caleb, too. The young man took as much care with the women and kids as all the men did.
Not for the first time, I thought this had to be the strangest place I’d ever been. And I absolutely loved it here. I never wanted to leave, but I knew I’d have to. Soon. This was Mia’s home. Not mine.
Rip and Caleb demonstrated a common hold and how to break it while injuring the attacker enough for us to get away. They moved so slowly, with exaggerated movements, before we broke into three pairs to practice.
My stomach knotted as Rip worked his way around each of us in turns, practicing the simple escape.
Some did it easily, but others needed a second try.
Rip remained patient, his instructions clear and concise.
He spoke softly as if he were aware that even practicing getting away from an attacker might give us anxiety.
Once we’d practiced with each other for the better part of half an hour with Rip or Caleb giving instruction, he called us all together to sit on the mat.
“Now, it’s time for the big test. You’re going to get away from me.”
Caleb raised his hand and Rip raised an eyebrow before nodding.
“Anyone who wants to try with me first can. I ain’t as big and intimidating as the big guy here.
” He gave us all a friendly smile. “But I’m better looking.
” That got laughs from a couple of women.
I couldn’t help but smile. Which, I’m sure, was the whole point.
Then Rip stood before me. While I’d practiced with Penny, the difference in size between her and Rip was significant.
“Ready?” he asked quietly.
I nodded, though my throat had gone dry. He hadn’t touched me since that day we’d ridden to the pier, and I found I wanted to be wrapped around him on the back of his bike like I’d been that day.
“I’m going to reach for your right wrist,” he said, narrating each step before making any movement. “You’ll twist toward my thumb and pull away. Nothing fast or hard. I won’t grip you tightly, but I want to get my hand fully around your wrist. Is that OK?”
I nodded again. “Yes.” I raised my hands as he’d shown us. I could do this. It was just practice. Just Rip. He always made me feel safe.
“Here I come,” he warned, reaching out, his scarred fingers encircling my wrist.
The first time we did the move, I was fine. The second, even. Rip went around the group and had us practice getting out several times each with increasing difficulty, wanting us to know it might be difficult but not impossible to break away, and for us to keep trying. Never give up.
The last time he stepped in front of me, I smiled up at him, my shields completely down. Then he grabbed me. The second his hand tightened, my vision tunneled. The community room vanished. The other women disappeared. All I could see was his hand on my skin, large and strong enough to snap bone.
But it wasn’t Rip’s face I saw anymore. It was Eric’s, twisted with rage, eyes bright with sick pleasure.
You’re nothing without me. Nothing!
The memory slammed into me like a physical blow. Eric’s hands pinning my arms above my head. The weight of him crushing my chest. His breath hot and sour on my face as he hissed threats and obscenities while he’d taken what he wanted from me. The sharp crack of my cheek when his fist connected…
I jerked backward violently, a strangled sound tearing from my throat. I stumbled and fell on my ass, crab-walking backward until my back hit the wall. Couldn’t breathe. My lungs seized as if trapped under concrete.
“Jade.”
The voice came from far away, from the other end of a long tunnel. Not Eric’s voice. Deeper. Steadier.
“Jade, look at me.” When I whimpered, the voice repeated, this time with more authority, though still gentle. “Jade. Eyes on me. Now.”
I blinked rapidly, the present and past blurring together. My vision cleared enough to see that Rip had dropped to the floor several feet away from me, crouching low, making himself smaller despite his size.
“Look at the exit sign,” he said, his voice low and even. “Red light. Count the letters.”
My eyes found the glowing sign above the door. “F-four letters,” I managed. The red glow pulsed slightly, or maybe that was just my vision swimming with unshed tears.
“Good girl. That’s it. Tell me where you are.”
I blinked, sucking in a breath as the vision receded even farther. “Haven.”
“That’s good. You’re doing well, honey. Now, tell me what day it is.”
“Tuesday,” I answered mechanically. The adrenaline drop was harder than ever this time.
I don’t know if it was because I’d already been active or if the memory had been that visceral, but I felt like every ounce of energy had been leached from my body in a whoosh.
I sagged against the wall, tears streaming down my face as I looked up at Rip’s worried face.
The room came back into focus. I saw the other women standing in a loose semicircle, concern etched on their faces. Penny had moved the others back, giving me space. Rip remained on the floor, exactly where he’d been, his eyes steady on mine but not demanding anything.
“You with me, baby?” he asked.
I nodded, then found my voice. “Yes. I’m sorry, I --”
“No apologies, Jade,” he cut me off gently. “Your body remembered something it needed to protect you from.”
I drew my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. Shame burned hot under my skin. “I ruined the class.”
“You didn’t ruin anything,” Rip said. “This happens. More than you’d think.”
I glanced around the room, expecting to see judgment or pity on the other women’s faces. Instead, I saw concern but also a heartbreaking understanding.
“We can stop for today,” Rip offered. “Or you can watch. Or you can try again. Your choice.”
Your choice. Two simple words that meant everything. I’d gone so long without choices that having one now felt overwhelming. I swallowed hard, focusing on the steady rise and fall of my own chest.
“I think I’ll just watch for now,” I whispered.
Rip nodded once. “Good choice,” he said, and somehow those words didn’t feel condescending. They felt like he truly believed any decision I made would be the right one, simply because I’d made it myself.
Movement at the edge of my vision pulled my attention from Rip.
Violet, Caleb’s mom, crossed the room with purposeful steps.
In her arms, she carried the same fuzzy heather gray blanket I’d clutched during my first panic attack at Haven.
The sight of it brought a wave of emotion.
My breakdowns were so frequent I had my own blanket.
Embarrassment scalded me, but when she draped it around my shoulders, I clutched the ends together, rubbing the soft material under my nose for comfort.
Violet knelt beside me. “Wrap yourself as tight as you need to,” she said simply. She offered a water bottle next, cap already loosened. “Small sips.”
I took the bottle with trembling hands, grateful when she didn’t let go until she was sure I had a grip on it. The first sip caught in my throat, making me cough, but the second went down easier, the cool liquid soothing my throat.