Chapter Seven #2
Try as I might, though, I couldn’t feel anything other than relief, gratitude, and the need to keep him near me so I always felt protected physically and emotionally. I took a sip of my soda and tried to figure out what the fuck to do with my feelings.
After I felt steadier on my feet, I drifted toward the back of the bar near the pool tables mostly because the crowd was thinner there.
I needed a few feet of breathing room. Rip still hadn’t engaged with me, but he kept a respectable distance.
I knew he watched over me, though, and I was more grateful than he could possibly know.
That was how I ended up close enough to hear Rip talking to Knight.
Knight’s voice was smooth and low. His face was covered in tattoos, the whites of his eyes colored black so that the glacial blue of his irises stood out in a way that’d made my skin prickle the first time I’d seen him up close.
His wife, Lavender, was one of the sweetest women I’d ever met.
His daughter Brynn was a holy terror and I loved her.
Now, Knight held a beer and spoke with a calm that suggested he’d had this kind of conversation before. “Need you for a run tonight. Couple hours, quick in and out.”
I was looking at the pool game. I wasn’t trying to listen, but the music had dropped between songs and Knight had decent projection.
Rip shook his head once. “No.” He glanced toward where I stood, just a flick of his eyes, then back to Knight. “She goes home first.”
Knight’s expression softened. “Yeah, man. Sorry. I should have expected you’d want to get her home safely.” He took a pull of his beer and looked out over the crowd. “Cash can do it. He’s been wanting to do more. I guess this will be a trial run of sorts for him.”
“Good,” Rip said. “Once I get her settled, if she’s doing OK, I’ll see if he needs help.”
“No need, man. Her first night out, with all she’s been through, you take your time with her.”
That was the end of it. Knight moved away from the pool tables without another word and Rip turned and walked toward me with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, completely unhurried.
I looked back at the pool game. My face felt warm.
The thing about being treated like I mattered was that I didn’t know how to receive it cleanly.
There was a part of me that immediately looked for the hook, the place where the consideration would cost me something.
But my bullshit filter kept coming up empty with Rip.
I didn’t know what to do with him, what category to place him in, because he didn’t fit neatly into any box I’d ever imagined.
He appeared at my shoulder. “Ready to head out?”
“You didn’t have to skip the run,” I said.
He looked at me steadily, holding my gaze with his.
“I know.” He jerked his head in the direction of the door.
“Come on. We’ll ride back the long way.” Maybe the offer sounded like a come on, like he wanted to get me off in a secluded place and do…
whatever he wanted with me. But to me, it sounded like heaven.
Another thing I’d learned about staying near people like Kiss of Death -- they all loved riding.
And, if you asked nicely, one of them would take you on a ride.
Well, Rip would. If I asked him, at least. Riding on the back of a bike with a person I trusted in control made me feel free.
It relaxed me in a way nothing in my life ever had.
We found Violet near the entrance, deep in conversation with a redheaded woman. Violet turned when she saw us, and she immediately came to my side.
“Hey. Everything all right?”
“Yeah.” I gave her a small smile. “Rip’s taking me home… err… back to Haven.” I ducked my head, my cheeks heating. “Sorry.”
“Hey.” Violet reached for my chin and tilted my head up gently.
“Haven is your home. As long as you want it to be.” She looked up at Rip.
“You make her understand that, yeah?” Violet had this whole strict mom thing going on.
Probably had to do with having a teenager like Caleb to deal with.
Caleb was a great kid, but he and Riot, her husband, kept Violet on her toes.
Occasionally, she had to set her foot down.
When she did, Violet kind of looked like she did right now.
Again, it shouldn’t have surprised me but Rip grinned and gave Violet a crisp nod. “Absolutely, ma’am.”
Violet’s eyes got wide with shock, then she scowled. “If you ever ‘ma’am’ me again, Rip…”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. A genuine, heartfelt laugh.
Somehow, I ended up leaning against Rip as I laughed.
Violet giggled with me. Rip closed his arms around me and held me to him, his deep rumbling laughter vibrating through me and, oh my God, I soaked up the sensation.
Especially when he rested his chin on top of my head.
Violet leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You’re going to be OK, Jade.
” Her voice was barely above a whisper, but when I looked at her, I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes as she gave me a beautiful smile.
“You’re going to be OK.” For the first time since I escaped Eric, I thought I really might be able to be OK again.
The gravel lot outside was cooler than the bar. The neon from the sign above the door threw a red wash over everything. The air smelled like exhaust and damp asphalt coming off the highway beyond the tree line.
Rip led me to his bike at the far end of the lot, parked slightly apart from the others. The black paint and chrome caught the light from the bar sign in broken pieces across the tank and pipes. He pulled the spare helmet from where it hung on the handlebar and held it out.
“Here.”
I took it and started to lift it over my head, then paused. “Could I maybe ride without one again?”
He gave me an assessing look, then his features relaxed. “You need the wind in your hair.”
Relief washed through me. “You understand?”
“I do. Around here, we call it PMS.”
I bristled, my good humor fading in a second replaced by irritation. “Excuse me?”
Rip grinned at me unrepentant. “Parked motorcycle syndrome, baby.”
Again, a startled laugh exploded from my lungs. “OK, that’s funny. And I think maybe I understand exactly what it means.”
“Yeah.” Rip reached out slowly to brush a stray curl from my face.
“I think maybe you do.” One corner of his lips turned up in a little half-smile, half-smirk.
“One more time, honey. You good ridin’ with me?
Because I’ll get Tiny to give me the keys to the cage and drag Violet back with us if you want. ”
“No. I want this. Even if I didn’t love riding with the wind in my hair, I wouldn’t need Violet with me to feel safe with you, Rip. Thank you for giving that to me.”
He brushed his thumb over my lip, his gaze lingering on my mouth before he dropped his hand.
“Good.” He called out to one of the guys walking toward the building, tossing the helmet to the other man when he turned in acknowledgement.
He stepped back to swing his leg over the bike. “Come on. Let’s ride.”
I climbed on behind him and Rip started the engine.
The vibration rolled up through the frame and into my thighs.
For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt a stirring of desire.
Riding the bike, my body intimately wrapped around Rip’s, felt exhilarating.
Add the wind in my hair and the masculine scent of Rip I suddenly couldn’t get enough of, and my whole inside seemed to yawn and stretch and try to come alive.
I barely recognized that part of myself, but she still lived inside me.
Rip pulled out of the lot and onto the road.
We picked up speed and the humid night air whipped around me, the wind ruffling my hair.
I tightened my arms around his torso. His leather cut was cool under my palm.
Under the jacket, I could feel the solid reality of him, the movement of his breathing, the muscle in his abs and sides when he leaned into a curve.
Nashville moved past us in a parade of lights from traffic on the interstate as well as the spectacle of the Nashville skyline. I watched it over Rip’s shoulder and felt the wind take my thoughts with it.
Somewhere between the highway on-ramp and the turn toward Haven, my mind and body found a perfect peace.
Wind roared in my ears and tugged at my hair.
I rested my face against Rip’s back for several seconds, just breathing.
Existing. Embracing the peace in the middle of chaos.
Rip covered my hand where it rested on his flat, muscled abdomen, patting my hand a couple of times before taking the handlebars once again.
I tightened my arms around Rip’s torso and lifted my face into the wind coming over his shoulder. My pulse quickened and my smile grew wider. I felt… free.
Free to live. Free to find happiness. The whole concept scared me. I didn’t want to need something from another person. Not for anything major in life, like a home or a vehicle. But most especially for anything intimate or, God forbid, to actually fall for someone.
My own desires had cost me the last time I’d given in. But the want… that desire lingered whether I wanted it there or not. No matter what, I couldn’t make those feelings not be there by pretending otherwise.
We turned through Haven’s gate and the ride ended before I was ready to let go.
Rip parked and cut the engine, and the silence rushed in.
I climbed off and Rip followed. He walked beside me to the entrance and through the building to my room, unhurried and patient.
I imagined he wanted to stay in my presence as much as I wanted him with me, but that was a childish fantasy. At the door, he stopped.
“You good?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes.”
He held my eyes for a beat, checking, and seemed satisfied with what he found.
Once again, he reached out carefully to brush a lock of hair off my forehead.
His thumb grazed my cheek in a strangely tender gesture.
“You have my number. You need anything, you call. You want to chat mindlessly without having to actually talk, you text me. You get scared, have a nightmare, call me. Got it?”
I blinked up at him, trying to concentrate on his expression. “Do you really mean that? I mean, there’s always someone close. I know who to call.”
“You call me, Jade. Me.” Rip didn’t move or raise his voice, but he issued the command with every expectation I’d obey him.
“Why?”
“Because you trust me. And I need to help you however you need it.” When I opened my mouth to question him further, he placed a finger on my lips. “Don’t ask me to explain further, because I can’t. Just promise me, OK?”
“OK,” I whispered.
“Good night, Jade.”
“Good night.”
He turned and walked back down the hall, out of sight.
When he got outside, I heard his bike start, then saw the headlight sweep across the lot as he pulled around toward the gate.
The sound traveled down the lane to the main Kiss of Death clubhouse and thinned out as he went deeper into their compound.
I stood in the silence he left behind and put my hand flat against my sternum and felt my heartbeat, steady but too fast.
My body remembered how to want. It had remembered tonight, somewhere between the bar and Haven, without asking my permission first. My mind was nowhere near ready for the feelings inside my body.
My mind had an extensive list of reasons why any version of wanting anything from Rip was a terrible idea, and none of those reasons were wrong.
But my heart had other plans. As I stood in my small apartment at Haven in the dark, I realized I wanted to see what my heart had in mind.