CHAPTER 15 JUST FRIENDS
AIFE
Chicago’s cloudy grey skies greeted me as I got off the plane.
Thanksgiving had been strange. Meeting Talon’s family hadn’t gone exactly to plan.
What was worse, though, was my own awkward family dinner.
Tensions had been high, and I had been reminded that I was still in recovery.
For every step forward I took, I seemingly got pushed back three.
Not to mention Talon left my head a mess.
My heart hadn’t been able to take my family this year.
Irritation wore me like a bad coat. I snapped at the smallest of things.
My family had a tendency to do that: frustrate me beyond reason.
They picked at all the right 212 buttons.
This year, it just pushed me over the edge.
My anger got the better of me, and Mom and I ended our dinner in a screaming match.
She used the word I hated the most: burden.
That word followed me around like a curse.
‘Burden’ was my defining character trait until about three years ago. My life was classified by pain and agony and burdening those around me. I hated the word—loathed it in fact. I hated the feelings associated with that word, and I hated thinking about the word.
Somehow, I wound up back at my apartment.
Papers were scattered around, notes for my dissertation everywhere. Anger ate at me as I continued to think of Thanksgiving. Mom still thought of me as a burden, and no one else tried to deny that accusation.
Whipping my top off, I decided to torture myself some more.
I looked at my torso. It was covered in tattoos and scars.
The tats were an attempt to mask the scars.
They littered my upper body in a similar way freckles would.
My belly button was slightly elongated from the three laparoscopies I’d had.
A thin white scar that was barely noticeable marked my appendectomy.
A harsh, horizontal pink scar peeked out of my underwear.
It marked my ovarian surgery. A jagged scar fell between my breasts from the time I fell down the stairs.
There was the scar over my right nipple that made it look like a cyclops when they removed a cyst from my breast.
Then there were my arms. Each wrist had a long, vertical, red scar from me, trying, and nearly succeeding in killing myself.
The tattoos attempted to cover all these.
Both arms held full sleeves. I’d also gotten tattoos on my sternum and hips.
While I wasn’t ashamed of my scars, I hated questions.
Thankfully, my hair covered the worst scar.
The scar that always led back to me being a burden.
The scar that made me want to die before it was even there.
That scar was the cause of my five attempts and being called a burden made me hate myself all over again.
Gently, I prodded the back of my head. I could feel the indentation from where they sawed into my head to remove a piece of my skull. I could feel the scar just left of center; it covered nearly my entire head. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that this scar had saved my life.
When I felt calmer, I looked at my left arm. The outline of a brain with the word survivor looked back at me. I wasn’t a burden; I was a survivor. I was a warrior. Illness did not define me.
Davis plopped into the desk next to me, surprisingly late.
I shot him a look but didn’t say anything.
Today was our last lecture and class. We would complete our final and then all we had to focus on were our dissertations.
It was a little anti-climatic. However, I was extremely thankful to be done with in-person classes. It wore me out.
“You okay?” I asked, pulling out my pen. “You’re never late.”
Sighing, Davis turned to look at me. Dark circles lined his under eyes, and his hair was in disarray. This was so outside his normal; Davis was almost always put together.
“Yeah, I’ve been better.” He rubbed a hand down his face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” We had some time to kill before our final started. I wouldn’t push though. I always hated when people pushed me to talk; it was extremely annoying. People forcing others to open up could be so infuriating.
“Nat and I went on a date.” Davis smiled. “It was the best date I’ve ever had. I spent the night at her place and overslept. She told me she’s unsure if we can keep dating. Something about work, I guess.”
My mouth dropped slightly. “What?”
My brain was struggling to process what he said.
Two of my best friends got together. They likely had had sex. It was slightly weird for me to think about all this because I cared for each of them deeply.
“You heard me, Aife.” Davis rubbed a hand down his face. “I really like her. Like, a lot. I want to be in a relationship with her.”
“What did she say?”
Before he could answer, the professor entered the room. It was time to start the final. Davis nodded at me, a signal we would talk when class was over. Right then, we needed to focus on our last lecture class for our careers.
“Nat told me she needs to focus on work. She likes me, but she doesn’t want to date,” Davis said as we walked to our cars.
“She’s scared.” It was a simple enough statement,
but I knew that was Nat’s actual reasoning.
“Scared?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “Natalie normally doesn’t do relationships. She fucks and dumps. Nat’s been crushing on you for over a year. She’s scared to mess things up.”
Davis nodded. “Makes sense. I’ll just need to charm her then.”
I laughed. Davis was cocky but not in an annoying or arrogant way. His confidence was probably the most appealing trait about him. He knew how to perfectly mix confidence and charm. Nat had no idea what she was in store for. They were going to be a cute couple.
“How was Texas?” Davis asked as we approached our cars. “TJ said you met his family.”
“Texas was wonderful. Though, I probably could have done without my family nonsense. Talon’s family wanted to interrogate me. He freaked when one of his brothers said we were in a relationship.”
“Not surprising.” Davis opened his car, sticking the key in the ignition to warm it up. “Melody messed him up. You guys need to talk it out, really and truly. I mean, you are definitely more than friends.”
“No!” My face flushed red. “We are just friends,
Davis.”
“Sure. Does he know… you know… about everything?”
My mouth dried. “I’m not ready to tell him. It’s my business, Davis. He doesn’t need to know about Dr. Su or Jason yet. When he tells me about Melody, I’ll open up.”
“Have you even mentioned them?” His voice was hard.
I shook my head. How could I explain my greatest traumas to Talon?
He looked at me like I was normal. No one did that anymore.
My family didn’t. Davis, Dre, and Nat didn’t.
No one in my life did. I wasn’t ready to let go of the normalcy yet.
When Talon learned my truth, he would look at me with pity like everyone else did.
I wasn’t prepared to lose him like that.
There was only so much pity I could take.
“You want him to not know?”
“Davis, when people find out, I get treated with kid’s gloves. I’m not broken or fragile.”
“You’re resilient.”
“You know, I really hate that word sometimes.”
Rubbing a finger over my lips, I sighed. “Talon treats me like I’m normal. Not like I’m just resilient.”
“I hate to say it, but you aren’t normal,” Davis said,
“Normal went out the door like three years ago. You know it, and I know it. Talon won’t judge you. He’s not that type of guy.”
I licked my bottom lip. “Didn’t you?” Because he had.
“Fuck.” He grabbed pieces of his hair. “I did, but I’m not always a good man.”
“You keep telling me to not get involved with him.
You can’t guarantee he won’t judge me. Let it be, Davis.”
“Fine, for now.” He gave me a side hug and left.
Anger rattled my body. Everyone thought they knew what was best for me, but no one ever asked what I thought was best for me.
I lived in my body. I dealt with the repercussions, and I was allowed to feel normal even if I wasn’t. I’d never be normal again.
Rubbing my temples, I headed home. I just needed to sleep. My life was getting weirdly complicated again.
My phone buzzed with a text from TJ.
TJ: Got back on the ice today.
A smile found its way onto my face. Talon had been so destroyed after his hand injury, I was worried he would never feel comfortable getting in an arena again. Pride swelled in my chest.
ME: So proud! Congratulations!
My phone started to ring. “Yes sir?”
“How did your final, final go?”
“Honestly, not bad. I’m just glad to be done so I can focus on my dissertation. Tell me about getting back out there!”
Talon laughed. “Well, congrats, Aife. As for the ice,
it was amazing! I thought I’d be more nervous than I was, but it was like I never even left.” He sighed. “My first game back is Sunday. I got tickets for you, the girls, and Davis. Will you be there?”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
The Chaos Coliseum was in rare form tonight.
The stadium seemed to shake with the enthusiasm from the fans.
Maybe they were excited that their favorite enforcer was finally back.
Talon seemingly made the game more interesting just on his own.
He was talented and seemed to always sway the game in the favor of the Hammers.
Dre slapped her hands against the glass walls,
jeering at the opposing team. Nat and Davis sat next to each other, cozying up despite all their chatter that she didn’t want a relationship.
Who was I to judge? I wasn’t meddling in their situation.
Meanwhile, my eyes wouldn’t leave Talon’s jersey.
He looked at ease on the ice, comfortable and at home. The rink was clearly his happy place.
Ice sprayed as Talon skidded to a stop before us. He greeted everyone before turning to me. The helmet he wore made him look almost boy-ish. It was a little strange to see from such a large man.
“How many goals, darling?”
“Two,” I said, confused why he would even ask me.
Was that something friends did in hockey? I made a mental note to ask Dre.
Nodding, Talon held up two fingers before skating backwards and off the ice. He was a strange man sometimes. Dre turned to look at me, cocking an eyebrow.
“So, are you guys dating now?” Dre popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth.
I blushed. “No! Just friends.” Even if my body wanted more… and maybe my heart too.
Dre sat, popping another piece of popcorn in her mouth. “Okay, sure. Tell me then, Aife, why is he asking for goals?”
My face got even more pink if it was possible.
“Actually, I was going to ask you that.”
“TJ is crushing on you, hard.” Davis broke into our conversation. “Despite me warning both of you not to start shit with each other, y’all have clearly caught feelings. Aife, just remember why you moved here. I love TJ like a brother, but he just isn’t ready to be serious. You need serious.”
I sighed. “Davis—”
“Enough,” Nat said, “You two are adults. If all it turns into is hot, sweaty sex then so be it. You two clearly enjoy each other’s company. While Davis has a point, you are still allowed to enjoy sexual and physical touch, Aife.”
My cheeks felt like they were melting off from how hot they were. It had been years since my last relationship. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with my best friends discussing my sex life or lack thereof. There were things out of my control that prevented sex, but they all knew that too.
“Do you even know the last time—” Dre started,
but I cut her off with a sharp glare.
“Let’s not go there. Health issues have prevented many things.” I gingerly rubbed the back of my head. “It’s Talon’s first game back. Can we focus on that?”
Before anyone could comment more, the teams were announced.
As they got to the Hammers lineup, the crowd became more and more rowdy.
The energy in this place was unreal; it felt like the arena was literally vibrating.
When the announcer called Talon’s name, the building practically shook.
Cheers and screams drowned out any other words that could be heard.
Talon jumped the boards and lifted his hand, a greeting to the adoring public. Somehow, the noise only seemed to increase before tapering off as both national anthems were played. Once the music faded, the boys squared off.
Despite all the hockey gear, Talon was still easy to pick out on the ice.
On his skates, he towered over many opponents.
The whistle blew, and the Hammers won the puck, easily passing to one another.
It always fascinated me how fast the puck could move.
Before I could even process it, Talon had scored.
“Way to go, Talon!” Dre and I beat our hands on the boards.
Skating by us, he flashed a smile, held up one finger and pointed his stick at me. All eyes were on me or the jumbotron where my pink face was prominently displayed. Oh god, this was embarrassing.
Dre put an arm around my shoulders and shouted in my ear. “That is like the ultimate hockey callout to say you’re his girl.”
“Just friends, my ass.” Nat laughed, flicking the tip of my braid. “He’s majorly crushing on you.”
Davis grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. “I told you he was. Didn’t need to make it such a public display.”
I didn’t even have anything to contribute to the conversation.
My cheeks were still flushed, and my heart was racing.
The limelight and I didn’t mix. Plus, I was sure I would get thousands of questions come Monday.
A professional athlete had just dedicated a goal to me.
My brain was struggling to process that.
My eyes focused back on the ice as Chris was shoved into the boards. He bounced off and kept heading toward the goal. The players’ ability to just keep going was surreal to me. Then I thought about my own ability to bounce back; they called that resiliency.
Another player stole the puck from Chris, flying towards Zeke.
Zeke caught the puck in his glove before sweeping it behind him.
A player was there to pick it up and pass it back to Chris.
Chris hopped a stick and swung a pass to Talon.
He reared back for a shot but it pinged off the side.
Clearly, he was determined. So far, his first game back was phenomenal.