CHAPTER 17 BEING A BURDEN
AIFE
Talon finished his truth. There was so much to unpack and process. The man had been used, cheated on, and manipulated by a woman he was deeply in love with. I couldn’t even fathom that level of betrayal. At least, not like that. Loyalty mattered to me and clearly him too.
“Aife,” Talon said quietly and reached for my hand.
It was warm and comforting against my cold palm. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Sighing, I nodded and pulled my hand from his.
Once I shared my story, Talon would view me as everyone else did: a burden. The word always made my stomach turn over. It was a vile word.
“I’ve always been considered sickly. In some cases,
it was surgery and in others, accident or injury prone. I’ve had ten separate surgeries. All unrelated. Like I said, I’m accident and injury prone.”
I paused. He would understand better if he could see the scars. Carefully, I pulled the hospital gown from my shoulders and let it flop to my waist. My breasts were exposed, but I didn’t care. Talon’s eyes widened as he stared at my chest, taking in my breasts, tats, and scars.
“Um…” He licked his lips. “Not that I’m complaining, but why?”
I pointed at my small scar on my abdomen and my tugged down belly button. “This was my second surgery for a septic appendix. My belly button also shows my first surgery for a ruptured cyst.” I motioned at the pink scar above my underwear. “This is from a grapefruit -sized ovarian cyst.”
I lifted my left knee up. There was a large scar down the inner part of my leg. “I tore my ACL, MCL, and meniscus.” Then I held up my thumb to show off the small, vertical scar. “Shattered my thumb.”
More angry now, I violently pointed out the scar between my breasts.
“I fell down the stairs and into a glass table. Surgery to remove the glass was four hours, and I was told I was lucky nothing had penetrated vital organs.”
Bitterness was clear in my voice, but I needed to push on. I had to get this out.
I pointed to my left ankle where a white scar was present. “Tore my Achilles tendon running. Nearly fell into traffic on that one.”
Talon’s eyes stayed wide. I was talking too fast for him to process fully. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to catch up to my words. What would he think of me? Would he pity me? My body was cold, shivers beginning to wrack me.
My hand motioned to my right breast. “Surgery to remove a breast mass. Thankfully, no cancer, just more cysts. Mind you, this was all before twenty-three years old. I was in school getting my master’s degree. And then during my final semester of my program, the migraines began.”
Tears filled my eyes; I never wanted to relive that time in my life. The pain I felt was unimaginable. The migraines couldn’t be treated with medications. Even a migraine cocktail did nothing. My symptoms also included insomnia. There would be times I didn’t sleep for up to three days at a time.
“They couldn’t really figure out what was going on.
They took so much blood, conducted so many tests.
By nearly all standards, I appeared normal.
Some of my blood was wonky. Nine months I was in pain and just being poked and prodded.
They did several spinal taps on me. I felt like I was losing touch with reality.”
Sobs wracked my body. I hated this. I hated that this was my story now.
“I was eventually called psycho-somatic, and I guess that was just a breaking point for me.”
My mouth went dry. This was the worst part of my story.
“One MRI found this large cyst on my pineal gland. It would need surgery. I wasn’t crazy. However, insurance deemed my surgery elective. They kept delaying it or saying I didn’t need it. I had graduated at this point and passed my licensed master social worker exam. I was on my fourth delay,
and I finally snapped.”
Talon’s hands covered mine, rubbing circles into my hands and arms. “Breathe, darling. Just take a minute.” His voice was soft, his movements slow.
Tears spilled down my face. My breathing was a little ragged.
“Talon, I lost it. It was a total breaking point. Just total breakdown. I was in so much pain. There were times I wanted to take a baseball bat to my head, and the last delay just broke me.”
This was the hardest part. Breaths hollowed in my chest, air constricting me.
“In my head, the rational decision was to end it. The pain was unbearable, and there seemed to be no end in sight.”
Taking my hands from Talon, I flipped my arms over and showed the large, pink scars going vertically down both arms.
“I took a knife and really tried to kill myself. My boyfriend found me, and I was rushed into surgery to close my wounds and get a blood transfusion.” My finger trailed one scar.
“When I woke up, Dr. Su was there. He’s my neurosurgeon. He told me my cyst is commonly referred to as the suicide cyst because of the pain. They scheduled my brain surgery. My boyfriend broke up with me, and I had my head cracked open a few days later.
“Once I had the surgery, I fully recovered. The pain and suicidal ideation disappeared. I got a job and did my supervision. After getting my LCSW, I moved here for my PhD.”
That was it. That was my sordid tale. Finally, all of our secrets were out on the table.
I had revealed my darkest 239 truths. My breaths remained shallow, my chest hollow— but the fear was gone.
Talon had tears in his eyes. Carefully, he pulled my hospital gown back into place. He gently rubbed a hand over my cheek before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. “Can I hug you?”
Nodding, I allowed Talon to embrace me. His entire body was warm, and he shook as he held onto me. He gently brushed my hair as he continued to hold me. Talon pulled away and grabbed my arms, gently touching my scars.
“Are all the tattoos to hide the scars?”
“They didn’t start that way. The only ones I want to hide are from trying to kill myself.” My voice wavered a bit as I spoke. It hurt to admit that.
Talon removed his fingers and pulled away from me. He eyed my face. “So, what happened this time?” He gently cupped my face, his warm palm heating me.
“The pain I had prior to the brain surgery came back, and I collapsed to the ground. It was so painful, I could barely breathe. I’m not really clear what happened once I hit the floor. Dr. Bowie confirmed the cyst is gone. Which is good since they took my pineal gland.
My brain has some serious scarring. MRI showed scar growth, and it knocked me on my ass apparently. He wants me to see a neurologist more frequently. It’s been six years since my surgery, but my brain is still healing.”
“Are you okay?” Talon’s eyes and face were so serious. His hand remained on my face, gentle and calming.
“Yes. I can discharge tomorrow. It’s a minor setback. They’ll start me on an anti-inflammatory. Supposedly, it’ll help.”
Nodding, Talon pulled me into a hug again. “You are so fucking resilient. Do you know that?”
Normally, I hated that word. So many people had bestowed that accolade on me. For some reason though, when Talon said it, it felt true. I’d been through a lot in my life and continued to push through. I was fucking resilient.
The hospital room opened, and Dr. Bowie entered.
“Visitation hours are over. I apologize, Aife.”
“It’s alright,” Talon said before pressing a soft kiss to my cheek. “Can I have a minute?”
Dr. Bowie nodded and left.
I furrowed my brow at Talon. His eyes traced over my face, taking me in.
“Can I kiss you?”
My heart stuttered and all I could do was nod. His hands gently cupped my face again before his warm lips captured mine—soft and quick. It was everything. TJ kissed my cheek and left, squeezing my hand goodbye first.
Dr. Bowie re-entered my room and arched a brow at me. “The scarring is minimal. That’s very good news. I’m going to get you on a medication to help some of the inflammation. All in all, you probably need to rest more.”
I nodded. “Did you come in just for this? You could have had the APP come see me.”
“I was on my way out the door. You are my best social worker, and I had to make sure you were okay. Any time you need to talk, feel free to reach out. My colleagues can take you on. I’d recommend Dr. Fray.”
“Well, thank you, Dr. Bowie. It really means a lot to me. This hospital is like family to me… well, the neuro department is.” I managed a smile.
He smiled. That was rare. It was the first smile I’d ever seen from him. “People care for you, Aife. You worried us. I’m glad you are relatively safe. Make sure to make a follow-up with a neurologist. I’ll see you Tuesday.”
Talon held the car door open for me as the nurse wheeled me to his truck.
Our entire relationship felt like there had been a major shift.
It felt lighter for some reason, but I definitely felt closer to him.
There was still a lot to explore. We still needed to get to know each other more thoroughly, and I wanted a real kiss.
“Thank you,” I said once the door was closed. “I really appreciate you being here for me.”
“It’s nothing, Aife. You’ve done this for me before.” Talon gripped the wheel a bit tighter. “I have practice today, so will you be okay on your own?”
Nodding, I smiled. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Gotta work on my dissertation anyway.”
He frowned deeply. “No, you need to rest. Are you taking some time off at work?”
“Talon, I cannot afford to take time off. I am out of PTO right now. I have medical and student debt. I have to go to work.”
“I can—”
“NO! Don’t you dare even suggest paying for my debts.” I hated that. I never wanted to be a burden. Never. “I refuse to be a burden.”
Talon pulled the car into his garage. His frown seemed to deepen. “You’re not a burden, Aife. I don’t care who told you that.”
He placed a hand on mine before exiting the truck and helping me into his condo. “You can still decline my offer, but it’s on the table, okay?”
“While I appreciate it, I’m not going to accept it.” I crossed my arms over my chest, anger settling in my jaw.
We were inside his condo now. Talon had picked up my clothes and laptop. My heart fluttered just thinking of the kind actions. He sat me on the couch and brought me some water.