CHAPTER 7 #2
“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend you didn’t feel it back then.” Jack moved in my direction as he spoke and I turned on him, filled with bitterness and misplaced rage.
“Of course I fucking felt it!” I yelled so loud I was left gasping. “I wanted you more than I had ever wanted anything, but you guys…you broke my fucking heart!”
“What?” Jack froze several feet before me, looking genuinely confused.
“What are you talking about?” Mason demanded.
“That night…Colt told me,” I uttered as the hurt I had felt of those years ago came back and felt just as blinding as it had all those years before.
I had loved them. I’d already imagined my future with the two of them a hundred times over, but that night I had felt so betrayed.
“What does it even matter!” I cried as I pulled myself together.
“It was a decade ago. Why are we even dragging all of this up? We need to focus on finding my brother!”
“It matters because we still bloody well love you, Ava Scott. We never stopped and we’re not letting you go again,” Jack announced.
“Tell us what Colt told you. Tell us what you think we did,” Mason pleaded as he stepped up to Jack’s side so they were both right before me, waiting so eagerly to hear the answer to his question.
“He…he told me you were with another sub, okay? God, that sounds pathetic now, but I thought…we never agreed, but I just thought we were kind of exclusive, and it hurt when I realized we weren’t.
I was just a kid and I….I felt betrayed.
Then I heard you with her. I was waiting for a ride and I heard you walking her out, telling her how well she’d done.
How could you do that if you really did love me?
I know we weren’t in a relationship but I…
I thought…” I couldn’t even finish that sentence.
I knew how sad and petty I sounded. It had been so long ago and we had all grown up a lot since then, yet I was still whining about it like some heart broken idiot in junior high.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” Jack uttered as he pushed his hands through his hair and turned away from me. “Please love, please tell me that isn’t why you walked away from us? Please tell me we haven’t missed out on a fucking decade together because of that bloody night?”
“Was that the night? Was that the night you were hurt?” Mason was forcing the words out, his jaw so tense and tight it barely moved as he stared blindly at me.
“Was it?” Jack demanded as he ripped his hands from his hair in what looked like a painful move, and turned to face me once again. “Was that the night that fucker hurt you?”
“What does it matter now?”
“Tell us, Ava, right now! Tell us!” Mason barked as he stepped even closer to me and pinned me with his eyes.
“Yes!” I cried. “That was the night, okay? It was my own stupid fault. I ran from the club because I heard you with her, and I freaked out. I was such an idiot and I ran right into his hands, okay? It was my fault! Is that what you want me to say?” I demanded as I fell back against the wall behind me, exhausted and wrung out.
My shoulder hurt like hell, but not as much as my heart.
Brining back the past was breaking me win ways I didn’t even know I was whole enough to be broken again.
“I was a na?ve, idiotic, fool and I ran right into his evil twisted hands,” I admitted weakly.
I couldn’t even hold myself up anymore. I slid down the wall and landed in a heap, closing my eyes and banging my head back against the wall in shame and frustration.
This was a conversation I never wanted to have with Jack and Mason. Now Deacon was witnessing it all too, as I failed to even hold my own body up any longer. I had never felt weaker and more broken as I did in that moment. I hated never hated myself as much as I did right then.
“FUCK!” I startled at the roar that came from Mason, then looked up alarmed as a huge thud alerted me to the fact he’d just smashed his fist through the wall near the door to the office.
“Mason!” I gasped. “Just stop, you idiot!”
I was relieved when Deacon rushed over and grabbed Mason drawn back fist before he could hit the wall again.
“It was our fault,” Jack uttered quietly, but I heard him. I looked up to where he still stood above me and hated the guilt I saw all over his handsome face. His tattooed hands were pushed into his hair again and I worried he was going to tear it out with how hard he was pulling.
“Jack! Enough!” I cried. “It wasn’t your fault, so cut that shit out. I was a stupid kid who should have known better. It was my fault. Everything that happened was my fault.”
“Look, I think we all just need to take a breath, okay? Ava needs water and Mason needs ice for his hand. How about we take care of those things and just all calm down,” Deacon suggested.
“No. What we need to do is forget about all this bullshit from the past and focus on finding my brother,” I sighed tiredly.
“The past is done, guys. Yes we loved each other once but so much has changed. We need to lay that to rest. Right now Colt needs us and finding him is why we’re all here, isn’t it? ”
“The past is far from done, darlin,’ but I agree maybe we can leave the rest of this discussion until we find Colt. He’s obviously got himself into some deep shit and we need to find him fast,” Jack agreed, much to my relief, though he looked reluctant to do so.
“Did you find anything on the guy who jumped me?” I asked as I looked to Mason, desperate for him to just drop everything and return to the investigation.
I knew I wasn’t strong enough to face the past and that was the true reason I pushed dso hard to just leave it all behind.
Maybe if I could find Colt and male sure he was safe, I could then slip away from them all again before more questions arose.
I loved them. I had loved them for so many years and that was why I’d never dated seriously since I ran.
Well that and the issues I had grom the attack.
I had wanted a future with them for so many years, and deep inside I still did, If I were honest with myself, but that ship had sailed long ago.
I was a wreck now, a shell of who I used to be, empty and lost inside.
I wasn’t good enough for them a decade before and I sure as shit wasn’t now.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted a future for myself anymore and that was the truth.
I didn’t think I could stand to live with the broken body I had been left with.
What future could I even have when every day was nothing but pain and a struggle just to remain upright?
“Forensics swept the scene and found some prints on your car. I don’t know if they get any hits back yet,” Mason said.
“Forensics? You called it in?” I cried. “What the fuck, Mace? I had my gun in my backpack and no fucking permit to carry it! The last thing I need is to get hauled in on gun charges.”
“You mean this gun?” He pulled my Glock from the small of his back, under his jacket and held it up. “I checked the scene before I called it in. Grant me with some intelligence.”
“Thank fuck.” I reached for my gun, but Mason returned it to the small of his back as he shook his head.
“You’re not getting it back, Ava. Your right arm is weak after being stabbed. The last thing any of us need is you trying to fire it with your left,” he scoffed.
“You’re not leaving our sides again after this,” Deak added and when I turned to where he now sat behind Colt’s desk he rose his eyebrows as if daring me to challenge him.
“Fuck that. I don’t need a babysitter,” I hissed.
“Yeah love, you do. I’m not pussy footing around this anymore.
Your mobility is shit and you just lost use of your right arm.
Clearly whoever has, or is after Colt is coming for you, so Deak’s right.
You stay with one pf us at all times until this is over from now on,” Jack agreed and I recognized his ‘Dom’ voice and the authority in it.
Shame that no longer worked on me, though it did have a pulsing thrumming between my thighs I had thought impossible since the shooting.
“Fine. Whatever,” I shrugged. I didn’t have the energy to argue, and it wasn’t like Jack was wrong. It was absolutely not his ‘dom voice that had made me give in though. No way.
“I found something in Colt’s personal date book. He was meeting up with someone regularly, once a week. No name though. Just initials. K.M. That mean anything to any of you?” I asked.
“No. Maybe a girlfriend he was keeping quiet?” Mason suggested as Jack nodded his agreement.
“Most likely. Apart from poker nights with us and a few other guys, I know bugger all about what Colt does with his private life,” Jack added.
“He doesn’t have one. Apart from poker night, all he ever does is work,” Mason chimed in. “He didn’t say anything to me about dating anyone. I’ll request his cell phone records. Maybe that can help us find this mysterious date.”
“I found out Colt borrowed the money from an old college buddy too. It all seemed legit. He paid the whole amount back last week, so that’s not why these thugs are trying to track him down,” I explained.
“What the fuck has he gotten himself mixed up in?” Deacon questioned, and I nodded. What indeed?
“I’ll make a call to issue a subpoena for the cell records. It might be all we have to go on right now,” Mason sighed, then he left the room.
“Where is he, Jack?” I whispered as our eyes met. Tears were pushing to be let free but I blinked them back. Tears weren’t going to bring him back, or ease my terror that it was already too late and my brother was dead.
“We’ll find him,” Jack assured me, but I knew him too well to miss the worry that darted across his face before he could hide it. “Come on. Let’s make you more comfortable. Can you run down and grab some bottles of water, Deak?”
I didn’t protest when Jack lowered himself down and slid his hands under my ass and thighs.
I should have, but I was exhausted and in a ton of pain.
There was nothing I could do in that moment to continue the search for Colt, so I just gave in and held onto his shoulder with my good arm as he carried me over to the sofa.
“You feeling alright?” he asked with a smile as he lowered me down so I lay across the small leather sofa.
“I’ve had worse,” I shrugged as I worked hard not to breathe in how perfect his smelled so close to me.
“Just wonderin’ because you allowed me to pick you up without biting my head off,” he chuckled.
“I don’t bite you head off,” I defended myself. “I just….I got used to doing things for myself. I don’t need help.”
“Just because you don’t need it, doesn’t mean you can’t accept it when things get tough,” he told me.
“I’m tired Jack,” I sighed, brushing off his words. They sounded pretty, but there was no way I could get used to these guys make things easier. It would only mean everything was a hundred times harder when I found myself all alone again.
“Then rest, love. We’ll head to my gaff soon. Mason is staying there with us.”
“You gaff? I don’t know that one,” I said with a smile. I knew many of Jack’s British idioms, but that was a new one.
“My apartment. It’s the biggest and I have a spare room for you.”
“Why don’t we just stay at Colt’s place? It has room for all of us and then some,” I suggested, feeling much safer being with the both of them if it were more neutral territory. Jack’s place was going to be all him and I knew I’d find it hard to think straight surrounded by all of that.
“It’s not safe, and you know it. Don’t worry. My place is clean. I’m a well trained bachelor these days. I had to learn to clean up after myself,” he chuckled. “Just lay down and rest. We’ll wake you if we hear anything.”
The soft way he was watching me, the gentle hint of a smile on his face, emphasizing those perfect cheek bones and making his eyes sparkle, it was beautiful and filled me with so much longing for what could have been once upon a time.
He pushed his hand through his hair to get it out of his face and I marveled at his tattoos against his golden skin.
He was beautiful and so perfect. Mason was too.
They always had been and I’d been such an idiot to let them slip through my fingers when I did.
I should have told them how I felt the day I realized.
Maybe then everything would be different.
Useless fucking wishes won’t get you anywhere now, you idiot! I reminded myself.
“I’m so sorry, Jack,” I whispered in a moment of emotion that felt so foreign to me. “For everything. I should have come to you guys back then, but I was ashamed and scared.”
“You had nothing to be ashamed about. It wasn’t your fault, Ave.
None of it was your fault. It was ours. We fucked up and we need to explain that to you, but not now.
Let’s just leave it all for now, okay. Just try to rest. Everything’s going to work out.
You’ll see,” he soothed as he crouched down before me and ran a hand through my hair softly.
His optimism that everything would work out seemed misplaced, but I pushed that thought away and clung to his voice as I closed my eyes and gave in to the pull of exhaustion. The feel of him carding his hand through my hair as I drifted off felt like home and I never wanted it to end.