CHAPTER 11 #3
I wasn’t even thinking about where I was going as I raced out of the city and onto the highway. I just needed to keep driving. But even the driving wasn’t enough to keep me from slipping into the break down that seemed intent on swallowing me whole.
Somehow I managed to see through the tears filling my eyes enough to pull of at the next exit, and as soon as I could I pulled the car onto the verge at the side of the road and shut off the engine.
My chest was so tight I couldn’t seem to get a full breath in and I could feel a numbness spreading through my feet. Tears were falling and it was more than my hands that shook as I threw open the driver’s door and dropped out of the car, just needing to feel the cold air on my too hot skin.
The thin covering of snow on the ground sent a jolt through my body and I sat up and pushed back until my back was against the body of the car.
I was too late , was all that I could think over and over again.
Colt had been calling me, desperate to see me and I had ignored him.
I had been wallowing in my self-pity and weakness, and I had let him down.
If I’d just answered one of his calls or texts, if I’d just called him back once, he could still be here now.
He might have told me everything and I would have come.
I knew I’d have come if I’d worried about what he was getting himself into. I could have saved him.
When a hand dropped down onto my shoulder I reacted without a second of thought and hit out, shoving the person back as I forced myself to my feet.
“Ava! It’s me, love. Just me and Deak. You’re okay!” Jack called before I could take off running or start fighting – one or the other. I paused and looked around me again, a little less frantic this time and realized Jack was standing to my side, and Deacon was close behind him.
“Shit!” I gasped, still panting way too hard to just breathe. “S-sorry,” I told him as I slammed my hand over my eyes and lowered my head. I was losing it.
“What happened? Are you alright?” Jack asked as he moved around me until he was right before me, so close I could feel the brush of his soft wool coat against my hand.
“Tell us, love. Tell us what happened?” I knew Jack was worried, but his badgering was too much when I was trying so hard to just to hold myself together enough to remain upright.
I dropped my hand from my face and looked up into his face, His bright blue eyes were sparkling in the low sun light and I hated the look of pity and worry on his face.
It was the only looks I ever got anymore and I hated it so fucking much.
Those looks were why I had hidden everything!
They were why I cut Colt out and why I hid from the world.
“Just back the fuck off!” I snapped as I pressed both hands to his hard chest and shoved him. He stumbled back a step, but immediately stepped towards me again.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he told me and I saw the resolve in his face He was watching me, daring me to argue with him. “Tell me what happened.”
“No! Fuck you, Jack!” I cried as I tried to push him again, only he was ready for me this time, and he didn’t even stumble back one single step.
“Tell me,” he ordered again as he moved even closer. I could feel his front pressing into me now, the heat of his breath on my neck as he watched me intently and just waited for me to obey.
“Screw you! He’s dead!” I spat angrily. “Is that what you want to hear! Colt’s dead! He’s dead! He’s fucking dead!” The words turned to screams as I tried hard to push Jack away from me, but he didn’t move. He didn’t even try to stop me.
“HE’S DEAD!” I screamed as my shoves at his chest turned to hits and weak punches.
I couldn’t stop. Tears blinded me as I just screamed and hit again and again, my fists landing pathetically against his hard chest each and every time.
So much rage poured from me. Rage with myself mainly for failing Colt in the one time in all the years he’d been there for me, that he had actually needed me.
But I was mad at Colt too. Didn’t he know how much I needed him?
Didn’t he know how much I loved him and that I didn’t know what my life was without always knowing he was there when I most needed him?
How dare he get mixed up in something so dangerous and get himself killed!
Then I was just mad and disgusted with myself again as I realized how selfish and self-centered those thoughts were.
My voice was almost hoarse and my fists aching when Jack wrapped himself around me so tightly I couldn’t hit him anymore. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me so tight into his body that I could feel his rapid heartbeat.
The heat of his body and the strength I knew he supported me with was my undoing and my screams turned to sobs as I just literally crumpled against him and sobbed desperate howling sobs into his coat.
All fight left me and my exhausted body gave in.
Jack scooped me up when my legs gave out and supported my bottom with one arm as he continued to press me against his chest with the other.
I could hear Jack talking to me soothingly, but I was too far gone to make out the words.
Eventually I ran out of energy to even sob anymore.
Then it was just tears and the odd sniffle as the same heartbreaking thoughts continued to play on a loop through my frazzled mind.
And then one very clear one that screamed at me over the others.
If Colt was gone, then what was I even fighting to live for anymore?
Why was I even trying? I hadn’t wanted to let him down before when things got so dark I had considered just ending it all, but if he was gone then I couldn’t let him down anymore, could I?