CHAPTER 21 #2
But then there was Deacon too. I knew bringing him into everything would just complicate matters for us all.
What Jack, Mace, and I had was established.
Sure, it had lay dormant for years and was definitely rusty, but it was there, and we could so easily slip back into it if I gave in to them both, but my feelings for Deacon were too strong to push aside.
Since Deacon seemed to feel the same, I felt we needed to at least explore things deeper and see where it went.
We’d been texting all week but with him working and me worrying about Colt and everything else going on, we hadn’t seen each other.
I missed him. He was different to Jack and Mason.
They were so intense most of the time, and I loved that about them, but the alpha in both of them could becoming overwhelming at times, especially after I had spent ten years living alone and listening to no one other than myself.
Deacon wasn’t like that way. He worried and he was protective, but his nature was more laid-back and easier going.
He didn’t try to push me into things, or assert himself over me.
While I craved those things from Mason and Jack a lot of the time, I also just needed to be able to take charge sometimes too.
Deacon let me do that, but while also always making me feel safe and protected when he was near.
He reminded me of who I had become after the attack and before the shooting.
He reminded me of how strong and badass I had been as a detective in CPD, and she hadn’t been so bad when I remember her.
I felt like I needed them all, and since they all seemed to be willing to try it, I wanted that. To try. I just needed to get my shit together enough to find the next steps with all of them.
“Appreciate it. Thanks for your time.” I looked up at the sound of Col’s voice.
I hadn’t even heard the office door open, but Colt was shaking the hand of the club manager.
He looked just like his old self – sharp suit, perfect hair, confident smile in place and exuding his usual charm.
I didn’t know how he dad it after what he’d been through, but I wished he could teach me to hide my darkness the way he could.
It had been a week and he seemed completely restored to himself.
Was that even possible after a week at the hands of a psycho? A week of being tortured?
“Everything good?” I asked as I gave myself a shake and walked over to him, leaning heavily on my stick. I was tired after the full day we’d had, but I refused to let it show. Colt was doing an excellent job of faking it, so I would too.
“All done. Let’s head out,” he agreed with a nod of his head. He held his arm out for me to go before him, which I did, and he followed.
As soon as we got outside of the club and into the parking lot, Colt manhandled me closer to one of the security guys with us before I could even protest. He picked me up and plopped me back down again so fast I almost lost my footing and the baldheaded guy I’d been placed before barely manage to catch me.
“Colt!”
“Keep her safe. I just….one minute!” Colt called shakily over his shoulder but he was already running away from us to the side of the building and around the corner.
“The other protection guard looked to em with confusion as they both just watched him go.
“Follow him!” I yelled. “He’s the client! Follow him, damn it!” Thankfully, they both got to moving then, and I tried as hard as I could to move with pace after them. What the fuck was Colt playing at?
When I finally got to the corner of the building, breathless and shaking, I saw the two guards standing back.
I had my mouth open about to ask them what the fuck use they were to anyone and what they thought they were doing when I heard my brother, coughing and spluttering.
Panicked, I shoved past the both of them and found Colt on his knees in the tiny alleyway that ran down the side of the club.
There was a space a few feet wide lined with a fence and Colt was knelt near the end, his back to me, and he was vomiting violently.
“Watch our fucking backs!” I hissed to them both, them I started down the uneven ground down the alleyway.
When I got to Colt I dropped my stick and leaned heavily over his back, wrapping my arms around the front of his shoulders, holding him as tight as I could, just wanting him to know I was there in the only was I could get to him in the tight space.
“Bam,” he sighed as he used a tissue to wipe his mouth and sat up a little. He put his hand over mine and I could feel him shaking hard. He was gasping for breath and his skin was so cold against mine.
“I’m here,” I whispered as I pressed my head against the side of his.
“I…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize, Colt. Can you stand?” I asked him as I rubbed my hand up and down his bicep.
“Yeah. I’m alright. I just got overwhelmed I think,” he told me shakily.
“You’re having a panic attack. Believe me, I know,” I laughed lamely.
“No. It can’t be. There was nothing to set off such a thing,” he argued.
“Sometimes it’s not anything you can touch or see.
Sometimes your own thoughts can trigger you.
You’re tired and I’ll bet, in pain too. You let your defense’s down.
That’s all. It’s normal after what happened to you.
It will get better if you deal with it,” I told him, giving advice I’d never bothered to follow myself – not fully anyway.
“You’re right,” He agreed. “Maybe we should call it a day.”
“I agree. Let’s go home,” I told him as I leaned into kiss his cheek before I shakily pushed up to my full height and fumbled to grab my stick from the floor. Colt stood too and I indicated for him to go first, relieved the security had moved so they weren’t just stood staring at him any longer.
As soon as we were both in the car with eh security detail up front driving, I pulled a bottle of water from my backpack and handed it into Colt’s trembling hand.
“Drink,” I ordered, relieved when he did just that.
“How did you learn to do this, Ava?” he asked after a few moments of quiet.
“Do what?”
“Cope. Push past the shit repeating over and over in your head and carry on living your life? I just…it’s like a video of every moment I spent in that nightmare is in my head, and one moment of silence, or one thing that takes me back there and the whole starts paying in my head again. I try to stop it, but I…I can’t.”
“I’m the wrong person to ask,” I scoffed.
“But I know talking to a therapist helped me. You know, you were the one who forced me to do it first. I think if you can make yourself talk about it all, as hard as that is to do, it does get it out. It’s like talking about it makes that video fade and if you do it enough, you can make the video stop eventually.
It took time, Colt, and I threw myself into becoming a cop and getting through training, which helped. ”
“I just don’t want to fall apart. I don’t want that fucker to think he ever broke me,” Colt confessed.
“He won’t. You’ll get through this. You’re not alone. You have Ky, and the guys. I’m here for you for whatever you need. You’ll find your feet again. You already are,” I assured him.
“And what about you?” he asked.
“Me? I’m getting settled back in,” I shrugged nonchalantly.
“You’ve barely seen Jack and Mason? You all seemed very close when I woke up in the hospital. What changed?”
“You know?” I asked with shock.
“Of course I know. I knew ten years ago, bam,” he laughed.
“Thankfully, I never witnessed anything myself, but Temple is my club and I know everything that happens there. I knew you were doing scenes with Mason and Jack, and I knew you were falling for them too. I just never realized how serious it had all gotten.”
“It never got serious before. I liked them and apparently they were into me, but we never even told each other. They wanted to wait for me to finish college before they took anything further. Then everything went wrong and I didn’t want to see them again.
I was embarrassed and ashamed,” I confessed.
“Now I’m back they…they tell me they want to.
They love me Colt, and I love them too. I always have. ”
“Then what’s the problem. It wouldn’t be the first menage relationship I’ve heard of.”
“I know. It’s not that. It’s me. I worry I’m too fucked up to be with them. I can’t give them what they want. You know! After what he did to you, could you submit for anyone?” I asked.
“I’ve never been a submissive, Ava, so I can’t answer that question, but I can tell you that I am determined I won’t allow what that psycho put e through take anything else from me.
I know it will take time and probably a ton of therapy before I can walk into Temple again.
The sounds…I know they’ll trigger me, but I will find a way to face it.
Temple is mine. The sex life I choose to safely and consensually live is mine and he can’t have either. ”
“I think it’s too late for me. I already allowed him to take huge parts of me,” I sighed. Colt reached over and placed his hand over my knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. I looked up at him and he wiped a stray tear from my cheek and forced a smile.
“Then you fucking well take it back, Ava. Don’t let him have it. Don’t let him have any single part of you. You’re stronger than that asshole. We both are.”
“Yes we are.” I agreed. I wasn’t so sure I believed it, but I knew Colt needed to hear me say it.
“So you’ll call the guys, stop avoiding them?”
“I’m not avoiding them. I just needed some space, but I will call them,” I agreed. “And Deak.”
“Deak?” He asked with confusion.
“Do you know of any relationships with more than two guys?” I asked him with a smirk.