77. Chapter 77
CHAPTER 77
Cassiel
T he world skewed on its axis. Cassiel’s lungs seized with the tightening in his chest, and he struggled for air. But he kept his composure until he was out of view. Then he stumbled forward and pressed a shaking fist over his racing heart. Sweat beaded on his face as he fought to breathe.
There was no fighting through the attack. He merely had to let it pass.
His vision swam and his pounding heartbeat thudded in his ears. Cassiel heaved ragged breaths, but his ribcage splintered open and there was no sewing it shut.
He thought he knew pain.
But he was served a different kind when his mate chose another.
It was a new sort of loss. One that stole the solidity of the ground.
He leaned up against a tree and shut his eyes, fighting back the burning rushing up his throat. But it lodged there, closing all his airways, stealing his air.
It felt like drowning.
He shut away the image of her taking Raiden’s hand. He buried it. He quickly threw up a shield and another, slamming each one down, barricading himself, and blocking every shred of his misery from her.
He was alone now.
Everybody leaves.
Netanel was suddenly there, and he took him under his wing. “Breathe. You must breathe.”
Cassiel focused on his voice. He grabbed Netanel’s arm and grounded himself in the solidity of his presence. His throat became raw as he sucked in ragged breaths.
“That’s it,” Netanel said softly as he made him sit on a stone bench beneath the tree. “Keep breathing, Cassiel. I’m here.”
He shut his eyes and slowly filled his lungs with more air. Then again and again. His heartbeat slowly steadied. Then his hands stopped shaking. He looked up at gray skies as the rain stopped. Sunlight streamed through the low hanging branches dancing in the soft breeze, but he couldn’t feel it.
“And so it ends…” Cassiel rasped, and his vision welled.
Hope was for fools.
Wishes and dreams and second chances were only found in stories with happy endings. His story was already written.
But this … there was no fate to blame for this.
Cassiel knew he did this. He placed her hand in another’s. He was the only one to blame.
And damn did it hurt.
The pain tore opened his previous wounds when he had shattered their souls.
Cassiel willed the wet sting in his eyes to dry. He couldn’t afford to be weak now.
“Crying does not make you weak,” Netanel said, taking the spot beside him. “But sitting here sulking does.”
“You can go, Netanel. Return to Hilos.”
“Where will you go?”
“I don’t know…”
Cassiel only wanted to fly away. In any direction. He leaned back and looked up at the open sky. He had the urge to disappear so completely in it that even he would simply fade into oblivion. No feelings. No memories. Just gone. To a place no one would ever find him.
“You cannot give up now.” Netanel laid a hand on his shoulder. “You have a long life ahead of you yet to be lived.”
“What good is my life when I’ve lost the person I want to share it with?”
Sighing, Netanel sat down beside him. “I cannot say it will be easy, for I know the weight of that pain well.” Cassiel looked at him somberly. “Dynalya may one day forgive you, Cassiel, but whether she does or not, perhaps in time, you can learn to forgive yourself.”
His chest constricted under a sudden sharp ache, and he shook his head. “I can’t.”
“You can.”
“I cannot.”
“Cassiel—”
“Stop.” He dropped his throbbing head in his hands. “Please.”
Netanel placed a gentle hand on his back, and Cassiel exhaled a trembling breath. The one thing he knew was that there was no forgiveness for what he had done. Living with that guilt was his punishment.
He looked down at his shaking fingers. They were stained with ink and blood where his nails had dug into his palms. “I held sunshine in my hands. It’s gone now and everything is dark…”
As it had been years ago, when he stood in Hermon’s courtyard, watching a pair of white wings fly away.
“Life is like a garden,” Lord Jophiel had told him. “We cultivate what we plant, so be mindful of what seeds you sow.”
Fate must laugh at him now for wishing he had heeded those lessons. It was too late, though. This was the result of what he had planted.
“The damage was too great to atone for what I’ve done,” Cassiel murmured. “My selfishness cost me everything. I can no longer hold on, regardless of how much it kills me. The only thing I want for her is to find happiness … and it begins with setting her free.”
He had left because was afraid of losing her.
In the end he lost her anyway.
But could he go on like this? Could he survive with only the memory of what they had? The thought of leaving her in the arms of another was unbearable. He should forget, but he couldn’t bear to do that either.
Netanel mused his hair. “Well, that may be the first wise choice you have made since becoming king. I’m proud of you, you know that?”
Cassiel grunted halfheartedly at that. “I don’t know if I can go on, let alone be a good king ... but maybe I can as long as you’re here. You will stay with me forever … won’t you?”
Netanel’s smile saddened. He didn’t reply but Cassiel already knew what he would say. Nothing lasted forever.
“Cassiel?”
He jumped at the sound of Dyna’s voice behind him. She looked at him strangely, then searched the garden, but Netanel had already slipped into the foliage without making so much as a sound.
Her eyes returned to him. Cautious. Concerned. “Who were you speaking to?”
Cassiel’s first instinct was to lie. It came out of habit now. But he had a built a mountain of them and it was about time he was finally honest.
“Netanel,” he called. “It’s all right. You can come out and greet Dyna.”
She canted her head. “Who?”
Bracing himself, Cassiel got to his feet and took a deep breath. “That’s the name he goes by now. Please don’t be angry. I know I should have told you about him before, but I didn’t want to give you another reason to fear me.”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean? Who is Netanel?”
“…My father.”
Dyna stilled. “Your father?”
Cassiel scratched the back of his neck uneasily. “It was best to keep it a secret. I needed him to work for me from the shadows. Only a few know about him…”
He trailed off when her shock hit his chest like the sudden splash of ice-cold water. It hovered between them for a moment, chilling his skin. Then sorrow filled its place.
Dyna stared at him with dismay. “Oh, gods. I think...”
He frowned, confused. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
She looked at him strangely again. “I think you erased your memories after all.”
He could blink at her because he didn’t understand. The ache in his skull returned and it made his ears ring. Suddenly everything seemed jumbled.
Her eyes grew wet. “Cassiel... Your father is dead.”
Cassiel recoiled. “No, he’s not,” he said defensively. “I saved him. I stopped his soul from passing through the Gates and gave him half my lifetime.”
Her voice became muffled, trapped behind a curtain. “You couldn’t have.”
“You weren’t there.”
Dyna took a careful step toward him as if she worried he would bolt. “Cassiel, that’s not possible.”
“You’re wrong ,” he said angrily. They were all wrong. She tried to approach him again, but he backed away. “Yoel is here, Dyna. I brought him back. He’s been with me all this time.” Cassiel spun to the bushes. “Father, come out and show her.”
Only the wind answered with a gentle rustling of the still trees.
His chest heaved with the breath he struggled to inhale. “I don’t find this amusing,” he said shakily. “Where did you go?”
Dyna reached for his arm. “Cassiel?—”
“Don’t.” He moved closer to the bushes, waiting for the one who had held him together for the past three months to appear. “Father, please come out. I need you to come out.” But no winged shadows came forward and his hands shook. “He-he was right here. He’s alive . He didn’t leave me. He didn’t.”
Dyna covered her mouth as more tears welled in her eyes. Zev, Lucenna, and the others came outside. They all looked at him that same strange way. The same way his Valkyrie had.
With sympathy and remorse.
You cannot return a life that was given, son.
“No…” Cassiel shook his head, backing away. Pain lanced through his skull, and he clutched his head.
He had saved his father in time.
He gave him youth and a new name.
He had ordered him to hide and cover his face so no one would know…
That he had lost his mind.
“Please!” he pleaded, his voice breaking. “I’m not ready for this!”
Memories he had buried away bombarded him, tearing into his mind. Shattering glass. A blade of flame plunging through his father’s chest. Blood pooling on the floor.
I am sorry that I have to leave you again...
The crushing weight of reality set in and it splintered like glass. His chest rose and fell with gasping breaths as each one grew smaller. Reality struck him so hard Cassiel had to lean forward on his knees. His heart raced wildly as the world caved
No, it’s not true. It’s not true.
He desperately tried to erase it all away, but memories of the past and the present he created were surging together and taking over every corner of his being. The pressure built in his head. It grew and grew until it burst, shattering his delicate world. Cassiel simply buckled and collapsed among the shards.
“No. No. NO! ” The word turned into a wretched cry as he screamed.
Seraph fire flared out and encompassed him, scorching the earth. He rocked on the ground, grasping his head as he fell apart. Gut-wrenching sobs tore from his throat and blue flames roared around him, spiraling out of control, destroying everything it touched, including him.
It was too much.
It was tearing him apart.
Someone stepped into the maelstrom and knelt beside him on the blackened earth. She gathered him in their arms and held him as he sobbed.
“It’s all right, kohav ,” she murmured in his ear, caressing his hair. “I’m here with you. I’m here…”
He locked onto her voice, onto the shelter of her hold. With each soft assurance, his flames began slowly to extinguish. The last of his strength faded with them and his body went limp.
Not once did she let go.
He didn’t fight when her power wove into his being, cradling the scattered fragments left of him in the ash. His eyes grew heavy and drifted shut as he breathed in the sweet scent of honeysuckle.
And Cassiel knew only relief as she gently put him to sleep.